By the way, I still don't own the digimon series (I'm workin' on it!). Satan Claws and the Very Evil Hat of Doom do belong to me though, and trust me, you wouldn't want them.
Warning! This fic has lots of yaoi (kensuke or daiken, can't figure aout which..), togas, and things that make no sense at all. Be afraid. Oh, and in case ya'don't know, yaoi means that there's gay stuff in here. If you don't like, the exit is right over there (*points at door*).
Nefarious Tails, Book Two:
Ken, Satan Claws, and the Very Evil Hat of Doom!
By Raven
Once upon a time, there lived a boy named Ken. Sure, I guess his life was normal enough ( come on, people, who hasn't been an evil dictator at one time or another?), but for the sake of this story, the gods ( not me, really...) have decided that he shall be a citizen of Thebes. It's that city in Anitgone takes place in ( ya' know, that old Greek tragedy with inbreeding and death).
*BOOM!* He's now in Thebes.
Now, after a mere five minutes, Ken was already getting bored with Thebes (Even though he was wearing a toga. What could be better than that?). So, he decided to go on a mystical quest. Since the author had neglected to create a Theban (?) family or house for him, there was nothing to stop him ( Hey! He better be thankful I remembered the toga...).
Slaying and/or confusing a horrible beast sounded like a good start to a quest, and there was supposedly a sphinx on the edge of the city. It took an amazing three days to get out of town, though, because of all the weirdos flirting with him ( hey, he's hot, okay?). Well, ye olde Theban outskirts contained lots of...screw it, I lost my train of thought...
Oh! The Sphinx. Right. Well, he searched for the sphinx for the longest time, till finally a weird old man informed him (after he stopped flirting that is...) that the sphinx had gone to Egypt to have a sex change and a nose job. A real shame too, because Ken just knew that he could have defeated it...
Heading north suddenly sound like a good plan ( to the drunken...um, perfectly sober author, not to Ken). So off he went. (*Ken shakes his head no and won't move*) Hmmm, okay, I have a plan!
Out of nowhere, an old woman in a tiny car ( a car completely void of beer, thanks to that ferret in book one...) grabbed Ken and drove to the North Pole. She then returned to the 7 3/4 octogon of heck ( wait, isn't it 9th circle of hel...what, kids might see this? Dammit...) to have a baked potato.
Well, Ken just stood there freezing, praying for something to happen. And what do ya' know, a tiny elf (EEEKKK!) showed up and led him to a rather sinister looking house made of candy canes, and even offered him a pair of pointy shoes ( the elf's way of flirting, I think...). Ken politely declined ( Ha! More like, "No way in hell will I take your evil elf shoes!"). The elf shrugged and went away.
Standing there in his toga in the ominous entryway of the candy cane house from hell, Ken felt more than a little out of place. And then, just as he was about to go back out in the cold, he heard the harsh sound of high heals on the hard floor behind him.
A very tall and scary woman who bore a strong resemblance to Kathie Lee Gifford stalked into the entryway. This resemblance was terrifying enough, but he nearly screamed when he saw what she was wearing.
Leather. Bright red leather, painfully tight I might add, and the way she was sucking on that candy cane was just....wrong.
Ken gave a frightened 'eep!' and backed up against the door hoping to melt into it. The woman smiled and walked very close to him in a rather...interesting manner (*coughcoughwhorecoughcough*). She introduced herself as none other than *lightning, thunder, and electric canopener sounds* Satan Claws!
She informed Ken that she had learned of his disapointment at not being able to find the sphinx and planned to make it up to him (*Ken gives the author an evil look* What? You think I told her?). Knowing full and well what she meant by 'make it up to him', Ken informed her that he didn't like girls (especially slutty ones that look like Kathie Lee...no offense to her, really...).
Angry, she told him that she had meant a challenging game of chutes and ladders ( yeah, whatever...) but since he had insulted her, she was going to ask him a question. If he answered wrong, she would have her way with him , but he could go home if he answered right. Being pretty sure he could answer any question she could throw at him, this plan sounded pretty good, as he was quite ready to get out of Raven's fic. And here's the question:
Baby corn: is it 3/4, 10%, or D. I like almonds?
Well, even though Ken liked almonds as much as the next person, he knew that wasn't the right answer. Giving it two more seconds of thought, he gave her the correct answer ( ya' wanna know what it was, huh? Too bad, I'm feeling evil today...).
The old whore..um, slut...I mean...leather clad prostitute was true to her word and sent him home. To Thebes *evil grin*.
Ken came to the horrible realization that he was probably never going to get home ( I suggested he click his heels together, but he just flipped me off). Standing there in the middle of Thebes and being hit on by every weirdo in sight, the gods (who still aren't me. honest.) took pity on him, despite his rude gesture from before.
*POOF!* He now had a house, complete with mini-bar (...as well as Minnie Mouse and Mini-Me...), really big bed, torture chamber, and blue play-doh (...and MONKEY CHOW! Sorry... lil' bro made me watch Toy Story 2 with him again...). He approved of having a torture chamber, but wondered why he had such a big bed...(*evil smirk* I'm getting to that...)
The gods also decided that he needed...(*dinner roll please* ...thanks, I just love these things...) a sex slave! Ken immediatly protested, telling the gods they were perverts (this made them giggle). Now, who do we know who would make a good sex slave? (Ack! Not you, Satan Claws!) Well, what do ya' know, the gods chose...Daisuke!
*POOF* He appeared out of nowhere and landed on the bed.
At first, Daisuke was just happy that he wasn't in that were-ferret story with Grandma Ralph again ( ooh! I smell a sequel!). Then, much to his embaressment, he realized the gods *perverted giggles* had neglected to issue him a toga. Or, for that matter, any clothes at all.
Quickly, he made the bed sheet into a make-shift toga (damn...) and stared questioningly at Ken who had been standing there in a daze ever since Daisuke appeared. Now, even though they would have both been quite happy to get it on right then and there, they knew the gods were watching (are not! *runs and hides behind a small house plant*). They both agreed to check out the torture chamber first, and...play...later ( ooh, can't wait to see that! *pervert giggle*).
The torture chamber looked more like something out of kinky porno flick rather than a place of, well, torture. Oh, and the author had nothing to do with this. Honestly. After staring wide eyed at the...devices... for a good thirty seconds, their attention fell upon a rather ratty looking santa type hat with something written on it in magic marker. It said: Warning! Very Evil Hat of Doom!(copyright 2001) Property of none other than...Satan Claws!
Funny. It didn't look like an evil hat. Still, there had to be something important about it. After all, it was mentioned in the title...then again, so was Grandma Ralph in Book One, and what did she do? Be evil? (ha! I bet that stupid hat does nothing at---)
Suddenly, the hat (and not just any hat, remember. It's the Very Evil Hat of Doom!(copyright 2001)), getting sick and tired of being so unimportant grew to an enourmous size and swallowed up both boys!
*SQUEEKY!* ( Squeeky? *runs over to sound effect machine and sprays some WD40)
*KA-BOOM!* ( close enough )
The next thing they knew, Ken and Daisuke found themselves back in Tokyo. Oh, sure, the togas earned them a few stares ( What? And appearing out of thin air didn't surprise anyone? Hello? What the hell?!?). Needless to say, they were both very happy to be back home (and far away from me...so they think...). Remembering their planned....playtime...together, they quickly checked into the nearest cheap hotel and finally got it on, far from the prying eyes of those pesky gods ( thats what they think *perverted giggle from barely open closet*). And they lived happily (very happily, mind you) ever after. ( as a side note, so did the sneaky pervert gods...)
The End
Author's notes: So, what did ya' think of book two? Insane? Perverted? And are you wondering the answer to Satan Claws question? Please tell me what you thought!
Oh, and I'm now halfway done typing my really long (still nameless) Gundam Wing fic. I've also got about twelve pages typed of my Digimon fantasy-type story (with lots of YAOI!!!). Stay tuned, and I'll see ya' later!