Hello everyone, Mochi here! This is my first try at a one-shot, and my first real try at a crack fic. Even though Hey, can I have Your Phone Number may be considered somewhat crack…

Anyways, I'm not very good with character-centric fics, and if I make Sanada seem a little OOC, I'm very sorry. Or any of the characters.

Please R&R, I'd greatly appreciate it, and please read my other story if you get a chance.

So here it is:

Rikkai Dai Goes to Wal-Mart

[4:55 PM]

Sanada Genichiro looked up at the gray and blue building standing in front of him. The third year put his fingers to his temples and massaged them. The idea had been ridiculous. Pitiful, even. But the buchou had decided to go with it. Now the regulars team was in front of the massive superstore, poised and ready to wreak havoc on whatever was waiting inside. The fukubuchou thought back to what had caused Seiichi to make such an irrational decision.

[Flashback: A few hours ago—]

Kirihara Akaya ran around the tennis courts, hyper and shouting, "I want to go to Wal-Mart!" He rushed up to the tall boy wearing the black cap and asked, "Are we allowed to go to Wal-Mart?"

Sanada simply stated, "No."

Kirihara crossed his arms and pouted, hoping his fukubuchou would change his mind, but Genichiro stared at his ace blankly. Akaya gave a snort of disapproval before running off. Sanada watched as the second year crashed into Niou Masaharu, the trickster. He was asked the same question, and a dangerous-looking smirk appeared on his face. A hand was placed on one of the boy's shoulders, and from afar it looked like the silver-haired third year was giving helpful advice to his younger teammate. In reality, he was forming a plan to get Sanada to let them go. Kirihara nodded several times, glanced at his senpai, then went back to listening to Niou's plan.

Yukimara walked up to Sanada with a sadistic smile that read, Mess with me and you die, plastered to his face. He looked at his black-hat wearing teammate before speaking. "He's not going to listen to you."

"Huh? What are you talking about?" the assistant captain kept his gaze on his kohai and spiky-haired teammate.

"If you don't let him get what he wants every once in a while, he's going to think you're mean and hate you. Then he won't listen to you, and we lose our ace player because of your meanness," the captain explained.

"So you're basically saying that I should let him go to Wal-Mart?"

Seiichi gave Genichiro his best, Yeah, pretty much, smile.

"Alright, fine. We'll just let the kid suffer. I'm not letting him go to Wal-Mart," Sanada said firmly.

"Excellent! Team, we're going to Wal-mart!" Seiichi declared, shouting across the courts.

The black-hat wearing assistant captain grimaced. If his buchou weren't so saidistic, he'd protest, but he wasn't in the mood for the horrifying things that would happen to him if he did. He sighed and followed along.

Kirihara appeared shocked, then started jumping up and down, shouting bouts of, "We're going to Wal-Mart!" Masaharu appeared pleased with himself, probably due to believing it was his plan that caused the captain to make this announcement. Bunta's eyes lit up, seeing as he'd just run out of gum and he needed more, and Jackal just looked skeptically at his buchou. Bored, Yagyu looked up and got hit in the head by a stray tennis ball hit by a first year. He frowned, while Renji was taking mental data on the situation.

Through the rest of practice, all the team could talk about was the upcoming trip to Wal-Mart. And that was how the eight teenage boys found themselves gazing at the gigantic cement building. Kirihara had a look of wonder and awe on his face, like he was staring at the holy grail if it was presented to him on a luscious, red velvet cushion by his own personal butler. He shook the expression off his face, and marched forward, leading the way in. The regulars drank in their surroundings as they stepped into the Wal-Mart Supercenter, looking around excitedly. All except for Sanada, who was trying to make the images go away.

The greeting woman at the entrance tried to greet the boys, but Seiichi gave her one of his special smiles, and she flinched and slowly started to back up, until she tripped and fell backwards into someone's cart. The Rikkai Dai tennis players glanced at each other nervously, then quickly dispersed into the store.

[5:00]

A silver-haired teen was leisurely strolling around the bakery and deli section when he noticed a white button at the deli counter, and no cashier in sight. Masaharu glanced at the sign above the button, which read, "Ring bell for service." Without a second thought, Niou pushed the piece of plastic twenty-six times, and quickly walked over to a cart, who's user had her back turned. Grabbing the cart, the trickster quietly snuck away with it, moving a couple aisles down, pretending to examine some bagels, all while watching the cashier's befuddled, then angry expression as he searched for the sure-to-be immature youngster that rang his bell. After a split second, he was angry in general and began to yell at the lady who Masaharu stole the cart from. It was then she noticed her cart was missing, and began to yell at the employee for not caring about their customers, and letting their goods get stolen. Masaharu watched this with a smirk, while picking up a package of bagels and dropping it into the cart. After several minutes of bickering, the man at the deli counter called the manager about the customer, and stormed angrily back into the kitchen. The trickster walked calmly off with the cart, while the woman was being consoled by the worker. He ditched the cart around the frozen foods section and ran off to cause mayhem elsewhere in the store.

Meanwhile, Yanagi Renji perused the men's clothes section, making an estimate on how many clothes were actually contained in Wal-Mart. After making his guess, he prepared to spend the next hour trying to count the unsurpassable amount of garments spread across the store. Renji took out a fresh pen and began. (A/N: In other words, he's doing something boring and I'll come back to him when we get to the good part.)

During Masaharu's first prank, and Renji's mathematical boringness, Marui Bunta had managed to make his way to the candy aisle. The redhead's eyes became sparkling, glittering orbs as he gazed at row upon row of sweet, sugar-filled, nutritionless goods. The brightly colored packaging, bold letters, and decadent smells all drew him into the firm grasp of his addiction. As he walked up and down the stretch of linoleum, he didn't once think about how he now sat in the palms of the greedy, willing-to-take-a-poor-teenage boy's money, corporate managers of his favorite candy brands. He delicately picked up packages of the candies and placed them into the basket he was carrying until it was full. Marui proceeded to checkout and ended up with a final total of more than thirty-six dollars worth of candy. Unfazed by this number, like the tensai saw it on a regular basis, he paid for the candy, and sat down on one of the many benches located around the store. As he quietly munched on his candy, the redhead got jealous glares from many of the small children passing by. He smiled at them, and they just glared harder, wishing that candy could be in their possession. He even got flipped off by one girl, she couldn't have been more than six. Bunta didn't even want to know what her parents were like. From this seat, he had a view of what most of the Regulars were doing.

[5:20]

The fukubuchou had found no interest in doing anything in the store, so he just decided to wait for his team to finish. Sanada was trying to forget everything that was around him, and focus on his tennis. To say the least, it wasn't working.

Yagyu Hiroshi was in the guns section. Peering down through the glass case, he was looking at the pistols and handguns. The worker there came up to him, "May I help you?"

"If I could please, may I take a look at that one?" Yagyu pointed to a simple handgun, not big, but powerful enough to do serious damage if fired at someone.

"Certainly," the man unlocked the glass case and handed the gun to Hiroshi. The glasses-wearing regular looked it over, running his fingers over the barrel and the trigger. He flipped it over in his hands and nodded satisfactorily.

He looked up at the guy helping him, and asked, "Now, would you tell me where the anti-depressants are located?"

The mans eyes grew wide with shock, "I'm sorry, but we don't carry those here." He began to back away slowly. "I'm also not authorized to sell guns to people with mental conditions or medical disorders. I need a signed consent form from your doctor, that has passed through your insurance company too."

Yagyu sighed and handed the gun back over to the worker and strolled off. The employee just stood behind the counter, scared. He was glad he couldn't see the teenage boy's eyes behind those glasses. He probably would have been freaked out even more.

Yukimara Seiichi was smiling. He was always smiling. And this time, he was scaring the crap out of anyone who saw. The buchou of Rikkai Dai was strolling around the store, flashing his sadistic grins at anyone with the misfortune to pass by. The first teenage girl fainted, whether it was because of his grin or his charm, we will never know. Her best friend, backed up, tripped over her fainted friend, and got knocked out directly after he decided to turn his creepy smile on her. Then, he walked down the cards aisle, and a mother covered her child's eyes and briskly walked off after Yukimara tried to give them a friendly smile.

As he was about to move out of the aisle, he felt something hit him in the head. Pretty hard. When he looked over to see who had thrown the object at him, he saw something coming at him, yet again. Before it could hit him in the face, he snatched it out of the air. Seiichi glanced down and opened his palm up. Nestled inside his hand was something colorful. Something round, and it was also kind of squishy, made of rubber. A bouncy ball? he thought curiously.

That's when he heard the shouts. And the whoops. And the whistling. Don't forget the whistling. A teenage boy with a rattail was running down the main aisle of Wal-Mart, yelling, "Go, Pikachu, GO!!!!!" at the top of his lungs. To compensate for the lack of working Pokeballs, he had gathered an armada of bouncy balls and Masaharu was now resorting to chucking them in any direction he pleased.

Kuwahara Jackal, who was wandering around the hair care section, was oblivious to what was going on elsewhere in the store. He was trying to find a product that would make his hair grow…normally. The last product he had tried…let's just say the results of getting a spiky purple afro were not pretty. Bunta skidded to a stop in front of the aisle Jackal was in. He grabbed his hand and dragged him off. "What the hell are you doing?!" the extremely tan regular asked the tensai, astonished.

"Akaya and Niou have gone mad!!"

[5:35]

Sanada sat on a bench, watching the chaos in the store unfold. That's when he noticed Akaya Kirihara on top of a very tall shelf. How the demon child got onto the shelf he didn't know. He watched as the red-eyed devil looked down at his target. It was a large container, filled with colorful rubber balls of varying sizes. The fukubuchou of Rikkai stood up. If his kohai jumped into that container, it would break, and there would be balls flying all over the store.

And that appeared to be exactly the boy's plan.

Sanada ran; he was going to slap the heck out of Kirihara when he reached him, but he was stopped. A bouncy ball hit him in the head, and before he could go any farther, Niou Masaharu rode in front of him on a bicycle. He took a step backwards as the tires came extremely close to his feet. There were several store employees chasing after him, shouting for him to stop, but Niou just laughed and pedaled faster.

When Genichiro's gaze traveled back to where the black-haired teen stood on the shelf, he turned just in time to see the devil jump off his perch and fly into the air. He watched, in slow motion, as Akaya landed with a loud, "thump" in the mess of rubber balls. The sides of the container cracked from the impact, and then the entire thing burst, with its contents spilling in every direction.

While running from the mess of bouncing rubber coming at him, Sanada saw Bunta and Jackal, who were running in circles, trying to herd people away from their captain. Seiichi was smiling at anyone who was trying to stop his teammates from having the time of their life. It was working. Half the employees had either run or fainted from the deadliness of the sadist. And the rest were certainly thinking of stopping the chase.

But that's when there was the loud groan of metal doing something it probably shouldn't be doing. Like tipping over. Niou had run the bike he was riding into one of Wal-Mart's many shelves. He was fine, but the bike was wrecked, and the shelf appeared to be leaning. And not in a good way.

Sanada turned around when he heard the first crash. Items were falling out of the sky as their resting places were knocked over like dominoes. Niou smirked as he walked away from a job he thought was well done. The shelves toppled over, and the sound was deafening. Years of dust piled up on the shelves from lack of cleaning filled the air, causing everyone to cough, and a chance for the regulars to get away in the confusion.

Renji had given up on trying to find out on how many clothes there were in Wal-Mart as his team had ruined most of the store. He didn't realize that during the dust cloud, his team had escaped the supercenter. When the air cleared, he was the only one left, and an angry mob of store employees now blamed him for the mess of their building as he stood alone among the wreckage. In total, the bill for the damages was $0.05.

Atobe Keigo didn't take pity on the tennis player of his rival school; he found the fact that they destroyed a Wal-Mart entertaining. So, he paid for most of the bill, all except that nickel.

[After running from the Wal-Mart]

The team was out of breath as they reached their school. Sanada was furious. Seiichi was smiling an actually happy smile, Masaharu was laughing, and Akaya was running around, extremely hyper.

Sanada slapped the eighth grade ace to get him to stop running. Kirihara whimpered at the impact. "WE ARE NEVER, EVER GOING TO DO THAT AGAIN! TORUNDORU!" he exclaimed.

Seiichi grinned even wider, "Why do you say that? It seems like everyone had a great time."

"We ruined a public facility! Do you honestly think we'll ever be let back there again?!"

"No, but it was sooooo worth it," Masaharu chimed in.

"I got my candy," Bunta raised a bag up in the air.

"I had fun!!!!!" Akaya cheered.

Jackal added, "It was okay."

Yagyu said, "I learned that they don't carry antidepressants."

Everyone gave him a funny look. Seiichi shrugged, "See? It wasn't that bad. Everyone had tons of fun!"

"Yeah, except for me!" Sanada shouted.

"Maybe if you'd loosen up a little—" Sanada raised his hand.

"You wouldn't dare slap your buchou, now, would you?" Seiichi asked slyly.

"Uh, guys?" Bunta interrupted.

"Yeah?" Yukimara looked over at the redhead.

"Where's Renji?"

The End

How'd you like it?

I hope I did a good job. Kuma the Wolf Alchemist didn't write this, or help write it, she just helped with the ideas for what the characters should do.

So please, review! Flames will either be laughed at or put out with water, constructive criticism will be taken seriously, and compliments will be greatly appreciated.

Please read my other story, too, I'd like some reviews for that one, especially the constructive kind.

Arigatou!