For the past 4 ---- almost 5 ----
years I have been known as "Beecher", sometimes the ex-lawyer, sometimes
the crazy fucker who shit on Vern Shillenger's face and bit the tip of
Robson's dick off and used to dance around in circles and spit out crazy
nursery rhymes, sometimes known as Kareem Said's other half, his sidekick...
and even sometimes I was known as Christopher's Keller's love and oh no
let's not forget when I was known as the official "OZ" slut... no we could
never forget about that experience.
But now I am Tobias Beecher again,
well some people call me Mr. Beecher, god whenever I hear someone call
me that I expect to see my father emerging from behind me, but no they're
talking to me, it's weird.
And you are probably wondering, what
the fuck is going on? Well to make a long, and believe me... a LONG story
very short... I got paroled. And just to clarify all your minds... it wasn't
Katherine that finally got me out of OZ, nah she couldn't help anybody
even if her life depended on it and plus I didn't want to have to owe her
something, debts are the worst kind of things to have... why don't you
ask Christopher Keller. Well anyhow, me and Said worked our asses off to
get me parole, actually just to get the judge to hear me out, and in the
end, all our hard work was good for something, because after months and
months of waiting, the judge finally agreed to let me out on parole, he
said that I have proven that I am more then worthy to be let out.
That day, the day when I was finally
released from OZ, had to be the longest day in my life... I was finally
leaving this shithole but god there was one moment, where I actually didn't
want to go. Now don't get me wrong, I was more then happy to get out this
hell hole but saying goodbye to Said and Sister Pete had to be almost as
hard as when I had to say goodbye to Keller. God when I think about it,
I didn't even think of Keller that day, he would be proud; I had thought
about how much Kareem Said had changed my life, and how much I was going
to miss him, and at one time I thought I wouldn't be able to go, but he
made me go.
"Leave Beecher. Go. Leave OZ and
never come back."
Never look back, he told me, and
I did exactly what he told me... well the leaving part. I did look back
quite a few times; I still do look back. I have been out of prison for
4 months now, and things are just starting to get back to normal, my parents
finally can look me in the eye without being ashamed, my baby girl can
be near me now without thinking of Gary and I can finally sleep without
waking up in the middle of the night, sweating from the horrible and frightful
nightmares.
But even though, I am finally starting
to get my 'normal' life back together, he always seems to slip into my
mind at night. While I am lying in my big bed at night, me eyes wide awake,
my body stiff, and my heart closed up, he enters my mind and for that split
second in time, things are good. But see that was the best thing about
Keller, he always made things better, yes he did his share of making things
bad, but Keller always knew how to make me feel good after a REALLY bad
day. And no I'm not talking about sex here... I'm talking about emotion;
I'm talking about how he would crawl up behind me on my bunk, how he would
wrap his legs next to mine, how he would casually start to rub out all
the tense muscles in my back, kneading his warm and soft hands in my neck...
but what got to me the most was how when the neck rub was over, he would
lean his face against my back and just let it lay there until a hack came
by and told him to back off.
Those were the precious moments where
I knew that Christopher Keller, loved me with all his being, those moments
where he would touch my back, just to feel my skin, I knew that he loved
me, even if he didn't know that I knew.
Tsk Tsk Beecher, you're not supposed
to be thinking about him. Remember? You're living your own life now, no
regrets, no looking back and that means no thoughts of Keller.
Play cards, read a book, take a walk,
play some Nintendo with Harry, god even write a letter to an old family
relative or friend.... But don't think of him. It's not like he's thinking
of you while spending his life sentence in Cedar Junction... he's probably
already working his magic on some other guy, using the same lines, giving
them the same look, kissing them the same way he kissed you... you're too
trusting and loyal Tobias Beecher... that is what makes you weak.
Oz didn't make you a bitch;
you were born one.
Maybe there was some truth to what
he told me that day, maybe I was born a weakling and that was all I could
ever amount up to. The weak chain, the doormat, someone else uses for their
benefit.
You're crazier then I thought....
Crazy. Hmmm shall we say Tobias Beecher
for $200? Damn, sitting in my lonely and dark room, waiting for the sun
to rise, I am given the time to think about some things and damn I was
fucken nuts back then. Of course I'm crazy Vern and we have it all to thanks
to you... hmm Vern, I heard his parole came up, he didn't get it, serves
the asshole right... I knew even the cruelest judges know that Vern Shillenger
isn't fit for the outside world. God even Johnny Cochran wouldn't be dumb
enough, to help Shillenger get out, and Johnny Cochran was the biggest
dumbass in the world, but he was indeed a terrific lawyer, yes scheming
and wrong in every way, but the man has moves, even I Tobias Beecher couldn't
deny that.
Beep. Beep. Beep.>>>
Ah yes, the very familiar sound of
my digital alarm clock going off, any minute now that annoying news broadcast
woman is about to come on.
Hello, this is...>>>
I turn off the radio every morning
at the exact same spot in her routine; can we say Groundhog Day? It's not
like she has anything important to say, she's just reading the little notes
some poor pathetic slave boy wrote for her, and in the end she will be
the one that is loved... shit that's life.
I hop out of bed, I grab my black
bathrobe and wrap it around my body as I walk out of my room and down the
stairs, heading towards the kitchen. I yell for Harry and Holly to get
dressed and come downstairs to the kitchen, I get out the eggs and bacon
and proceed to make them breakfast. Hmmm eggs and bacon? Yes, that is on
today's breakfast menu, yesterday I cooked them animal shaped pancakes
with skittles for eyes, noses and smiles... so today would be the tradition
eggs and bacon breakfast with one little cup of orange juice for both of
them.
"Morning daddy"
"Morning dad"
And those would be my wonderful children...
the one that called me daddy would be, yes Holly, daddy's little girl.
I smile at them and point to the kitchen table, motioning for them to sit
down as I start to pour the already fixed breakfast on the plates. I walk
over to the kitchen table with one plate in each hand; I drop the plates
down in front of them and then grab the cups of Orange Juice and place
them next to the plates. I watch them eat with this intense look in my
eyes, these are my children and I love them, I turn my head though, when
I hear the mail man.
"Be back"
I tell them as I get up from my seat
at the table and walk outside and greet the mailman with a happy smile
on my face.
"Hi Stew"
"Toby."
He smiles back.
"Any mail?"
I ask. There isn't usually any mail
for me.
"Yes, actually there is."
"Bill?"
I ask, but then more shock enters
my body when he shakes his head no.
"Letter. Here"
He hands me the letter and waves
goodbye, seeing that I am engrossed into the letter to acknowledge him
leaving.
I tuck the letter under my arm and
walk back inside the house, just in enough time to kiss Harry and Holly
bye before they leave for school. Once they are off to school, I sit down
on my couch and open the letter... I looked down at who is the sender and
my eyes instantly glow.
"Kareem Said"
I tear the letter and begin to read
it:
Dear Beecher-
How is the free life treating
you? Good I hope. Sorry it has taken me so long to finally write you, but
things have been busy in Oz. As you know, Shillenger was refused of parole
and he has been on everyone's case about it since, he even came to me begging
for my help, saying he really wanted out of Oz. How low can this guy get?
O'Reily is now running the drug trade ever since Morales died, suddenly...
oh Pacamo is dead too, people are saying that it was a black inmate that
did it, but who knows in Oz? Wittlesey is back in Oz and her and McManus
are getting back to what they used to be... some habits die hard. And me,
well I miss you. You never know how much someone means to you until they
are gone from your life... without being able to see you everyday, has
been real hard, I miss talking to you, a person that has proven to be my
best friend. Sister Pete, misses you as well, she says she hopes to see
you this Friday, whatever that means.
And attached is a letter from
somebody special, that didn't know your forwarding address... maybe there
is a little hope in this world after all... well keep in touch.
Peace be onto you my brother.
-Said
I smile and take out the 'attached
letter' Said was talking about, I unfold it slowly and read it to myself:
Dear Toby-
It's me Keller. I didn't put my
real name on the letter because you never know what Shillenger would do
if he saw a letter from me to you. So, how has Oz been treating you? I
miss you. I know that you probably would never have guessed that from our
last conversation, which was such a long time ago but I do, honestly I
do Toby. And if you never get this letter, that means you got parole and
if you did, I am so happy for you... if anyone deserves it, it's you. This
new prison isn't all that bad, not up to Oz expectations, but hell that's
because you're not here. I made a few new friends, but I mostly keep to
myself... I think about you a lot, I wonder how you are doing, if you are
surviving in Oz or on the outside world... but then... I start getting
this feeling that maybe you're not surviving, maybe Shillenger killed you
and that scares me. You dying scares me... don't die ok?
Yo, listen up ok? I don't have
a lot of time to write this, because all these damn hacks are annoying
the hell out of me and bothering me but I gotta answer you something. You
asked me if you were the first and at the time, I kinda didn't know what
to say but here it is:
Yes and no.
No you are not the first man,
I have slept with many gay men and killed them afterwards, and you know
that and shit if anyone besides you finds this... I'm a dead man. BUT YES
you are the first man I have ever loved the first HUMAN BEING I have loved
unconditionally and I thought you needed to hear that. And if I know you
Toby, which I do, you are probably thinking I'm with someone else... you
never learn do you?
I'm only with you, even when I'm
not. Only you. Shit gotta go.
Love ya
Keller
I fold the letter back up, holding
back the tears, god he knew me too well. The letter represented everything
that I wanted to say and right there and then I knew what I had to do...
I had to get Christopher Keller on
parole and I was just the man to do it.
I knew what he told me, I knew that
he said to stay away, to just keep away from him and live my own life and
never look back, never think of him again... but as Christopher Keller
should already know... I never listen to what people tell me to do. I'm
a very stubborn person, and I don't follow rules, anybody's rules or demands
or even pleas.... so I decided, that I was going to bring out the lawyer
in me and get Christopher Keller out of prison and into the free world
and once I did that, I was going to tell him I loved him.
See when I left Oz, I thought that
just maybe what me and Keller had, our relationship, if you would call
it that, was just some desperate prison experiment gone wrong... but god
now I know, with all my heart and soul, that it's so much more then that...
I really do love Keller and I really do believe what we had was a relationship
and actually one of the best ones I have ever had and if I never got him
back... then I would be living my life in regret.
But before anything... I had to call
a friend, the only one I knew that could help me.
I walked over to the phone, took
it off it's cradle and dialed a number and smiled when I heard the friend
pick up.
"Tim, hi. Yeah it's really me. Things
have been great, I'm starting up the law business again, yep I know. Look
I am supposed to meet Sister Pete for lunch tomorrow, you think you could
come too? Oh that would be great. It's about my newest client... okay see
you tomorrow"
