I miss him.
I say these words now, gazing out my window. Gray drops are pelted at the clear window. I miss him.
It's been a while, when I really think about. Almost a year, since we broke up.
I can still remember it, when he asked me to dance, with those gentle, loving eyes. And, feeling just a bit reluctant, I agreed, and went to his arms, for what I knew, would be the last time.
He didn't.
"Jyou," I had whispered into his year, his navy blue hairs tickling my nose, as I inhaled a bit, smelling that sweet shampoo he always used. "Jyou..I need to talk to you.." He looked down at me, questioningly. I looked away..I couldn't bear to look him in the eye. Not for what I was going to do.
We broke up, that day.
We were both standing underneath an oak tree. Carvings of, "Tai + Sora," and "Takeru + Kari," and such, were embedded in the bark. I stood in a spot, across from Jyou. A carving of "Jyou + Mimi" was written right between us. That day.. I felt tears well up in my eyes. I couldn't believe what I was about to do.
"Mimi.." He said, looking into my eyes. "You wanted to talk?" He gently took one hand from me, tracing my palm. I looked at the grass.
"Yes.." I swallowed. "Jyou, I - I..goodbye." I squeezed my eyes tightly. I could sense his confusion. "What I mean is…we have to break up. I can't..I don't... I need… Jyou, it's over.."
There was a frozen silence. Then, in a swift sudden movement, my hand was dropped from his, and landed with a dull thud against my hip. I dared to open my eyes, and look at him. When I did, I wished I hadn't. His face had gone from his usual pale, to an alarming chalky appearance. He was staring at me, in disbelief. His eyes..his eyes, I can never forget them. The bright brown, which had twinkled with laughter with me for so long, were slowly fading. Horrified, I watched as the brightness faded to a dull fog, and the brown grayed to a colour, that could hardly even be known as colour.
But I couldn't take back what I had already said. What was done, was done.
Everything about Jyou, suddenly faded at my words. Even his hair didn't look blue any more. It was as if, I had been his brightness, and without me, the brightness was gone.
He suddenly looked so lost, standing
in the low setting sun, one hand on the tree, to steady himself. Like a
lost poor soul, standing by himself, so lonely and sorrowful. I couldn't
stand to see it, so I leaned my head forward, letting my pink hair blind
my sight. Later, that wouldn't be the only thing, blindind my sight.
As soon as the depressing sorrow
had come, it left. It was replaced with a tight, annoying anger. But now,
I know, that it wasn't really anger. It was just a small mask, to cover
the shattering within his chest, and the unhealable pain he was feeling.
"I guess so," He had said, his words clenching around me, like heavy steel
chains. I dared once again, to look at him. His eyes had darkened, or was
it just the sky? His hair was blowing in the wind - and where had such
wind come from, on such short notice? - and he suddenly had a daibolical
look to him. A dark, heavy feeling, settled on him, giving off an eerie
aura. "See." He took a paper clip out of his pocket.
I remembered he always like to carry useless things in his pockets. "You never know, when they'll be useful," He had told me, when I had tried to look for something in his pockets, and come up with a handful of scraps of tinfoil, paper clips, and more.
..And he was right.
You never did know when they become useful, and it was just my luck, that they had chosen that day, to become useful.
He slowly unbent the paper clip, and in one sudden great movement, slashed it ferociously across the tree. I have to admit, I was shocked. Kind, gently, loving Jyou, who had never raised a violent hand to anyone, or anything, was now completely defying that trait. Maybe that's what he longed to do to me, shake me, shake me, shaking me until my thoughts collected together, and I would realize the wrong doing I had done. But, unlike me to him then, he loved me. And even a slight shove, would be like murdering me in his opinion.
So he took it out on the tree. Or rather, or carving, from long ago. He had slashed it, down our symbol. What had once been 'Jyou + Mimi' in a cute little heart, now had a jagged line, seperating our two names from eachother forever. Then, he simply stuck the paper clip, right in the middle of the line, right between our names, and left. Not a goodbye, no nothing.
I think about it now, 6 monthes later, hugging my knees to my chest, while staring out my window. Rain slides off my window, like the tears slide off my face.
Jyou..I sob inwardly, to myself.
Although he had never shaken me to realization then, I wish he had. Now, monthes later, I finally realize what I have done. The horrible, incorrect, ever so wrong words I had said. I wish I could snatch up those words I had said. Tear them away from his brain, and memory, and away from his ears. Forever banish them, forever throw them away, to never haunt my mind again, and to echo in my ears for eternity.
I might be spending this gray, afternoon, sitting with him, in his arms, watching yet another episode of 'Bugs Bunny' and laughing at the coyote.
And that hateful line between our names would be gone.
It's that hateful line, the crooked
slash that is forever buried in our memories, that is forever going to
keep us apart. It's a sort of reminder, of what happened. And I wish I
could destory it, cover it up somehow, and wish it had never been there.
And yank out that paper clip.
It's been there for so long, that
it's rusted to the bark. Even if I tried, I couldn't get it out.
I wonder if Jyou did that on purpose, so that he would always remember. What had happened. What I had done to him.
Guilt surrounds me, but I deserve it. All the pain I caused. He was never that strong, and he always sort of depended on people, wavering between that thin line trust and doubt. With me, he trusted me so fully, trusted me to catch him when he fell.
And what did I do?
I had stepped aside, and watched, unmovingly as he crashed headfirst into the ground. I didn't even try.
Now, as I stare, unblinkingly out the window, as the rain continues to fall, as long as my tears, it feels like the whole world is crying with me.
Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.
It's a loss that cannot be
Replaced at all
I thought you said
You would catch me
When I fall
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