Title: Not the Same
Author: D (pleasefuckoff)
Rating: M
Disclaimer: Not mine, not mine, not mine. :[ So don't rub it in.
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The memory of her lingers on my skin every night like a ghost. I haven't spoken to her since that night at the doorstep, at least not in public. It's been nearly three days. Three unbearable days. I've kept none of the words I'd given her that night. I've since then run. I don't know why I ran. I just did. It's a losing battle though. I feel like I'm going through withdrawal, she's so addictive.
"At it again are we?" I jump at the brisk voice that settles next to me, leaning against the battered and dented lockers in the same fashion as me. There are people bustling loudly about, hurrying to get to their class, or whatever have you.
"I dunno what you're talking about." Play it off cool, I tell myself, but my eyes don't waver. Better not blow my cover by [i]not[/i] staring at her, I think to myself sarcastically. The bright yet dull eyes of Effy Stonem stare at me with little humor. She doesn't know what I'm thinking. She doesn't know what's going on.
"Right." She says cleanly, kicking her leg up behind her against the lockers. She knows everything. Effy's mastered the skill of saying everything by saying nothing, and her nothing is telling me she knows everything. Her arms are folded in a way that tells me she's expecting something from me. I've gotten pretty good at reading people despite what many people may say.
"What do I say to her?" I don't look over at Effy because I know she has an unamused look painted all over her face. What shouldn't I say to her?
"Words." Are all she says before she turns to leave just as the bell rings. Before I turn to go, she looks at me. It's only a glance.
Emily.
God. What have I done. Like the coward I am, I just watch as she and the rest of her group pour into class. Compose yourself, Naomi. What's happened to you? What's happened to the girl who couldn't give a fuck if she tried? How'd you get so invested? I'm concentrating so hard, I literally jump as Cook stumbles past me, slapping JJ upside the head a few good times with JJ scrambling to defend himself.
Class. With a sharp exhale, I prepare myself. No use delaying the inevitable, now is there? When I fully step into the classroom, there is one thing that becomes blatantly obvious: there are no empty seats.
Well, that's not entirely true. There's one empty seat. Fuck my whole life upside down. I look up to the ceiling thinking God is going to pop out, point, and laugh. When he doesn't, I shake my head and sit down next to Emily, dropping my bag on the floor between us.
The teacher tries her best to settle everyone down to start class, but it's still a ruckus. "What, you get a better view now and suddenly you can look at anything [i]but[/i] me?" Her husky voice is even lower than usual as she whispers to me.
I shut my eyes and briefly try to memorize the sound. "Naomi? Will you look at me?" She thinks I don't want to?
"It has been three days, Naomi," I love when she says my name, "Three days! I'm not some toy to be tossed around, you know and I'm not about to have you walk all over me lik-" She stops her quiet (but harsh) rant when I put my hand on her thigh under the table.
"Can we..." I'm quiet as well. The teacher is speaking, and hardly taking any notice to the two of us. "Can we please... talk about this later? Right now I just..." I can't seem to put things in the right words. It's like putting a square peg in a circle.
Emily puts me off edge and there's a flood of relief when I feel her hand cover mine. The tingling from our hands radiates up my arm making my elbow shake with intensity. Moments later, she laces her fingers through mine. We're holding hands. Under the table. In class. Best of all. She's smiling.
I don't bother taking notes for the rest of class. Partly because Emily won't let go of my right hand.
When the bell rings, I'm a little broken hearted because it means her hand is no longer in mine. Emily gets up wordlessly and begins to pack her books. I expect her to say something to me, anything, but she doesn't. Instead, she joins the current of students rushing out of the classroom. As she's ready to leave, she looks over her shoulder at me. The look in her eyes is screaming at me to follow her, to chase her. Because she's chased me enough already. Because I'm the one who has mucked everything right up.
I'm ashamed to say I have to take a moment to debate whether or not to actually follow her. I'm afraid of the consequences. I'm afraid of losing her, but I'm afraid of having her at the same time. It's what's caused me to run: what it means to have Emily Fitch.
Adjusting my bag over my shoulder, I head off in the direction I watched her go, around the corner and to the left. She's like a damn goldfish as she bustles through the sea of students. I'm having a hard time catching up. Nearly lose sight of her twice.
I manage though, as I open the door to the janitor's closet. I look around as I slip in, making sure no one sees me. I feel overwhelmingly guilty at feeling guilty about being with Emily. It's all very confusing.
The room is cramped and dark. It takes me a moment to adjust enough to see her. What I thought was Emily Fitch was actually a mop. "Talk." She says to me with an expectant tone. Right. Words, like Effy said.
"I was afraid." I begin, because I'm afraid now and I've been afraid these past three days. Terrified. "I mean, are we suddenly lesbians or something?" Probably so. "And do I have to... I dunno, do you now, I mean the way you did me? I don't have the slightest how to do any of that... I'm no good with oils!" I may be getting a little hyperstimulated because I find myself breathing very hard, as though I'm hyperventilating.
Emily hasn't responded. Instead she's looked to me like I've sprouted an extra head. "You ran away because you... thought that you had some sexual obligation to me?"
"Well, now it just sounds completely stupid when you say it out loud." I calm a bit even though she's still looking at me like I'm the dumbest person in Bristol.
"Naomi, I've said this before." She sounds utterly exhausted with me, with my ridiculousness, I'm sure. "My first thought when I look at you isn't 'I want to fuck that girl', I like being with you. That's all. Not like I've all this experience or anything. And I don't expect conventional. You're welcome to make any of your own rules. I'll let you know how I feel about them." I hate that she's reasonable.
I just scowl because I feel so very stupid now.
"Why didn't you just come and speak to me about it?" Instead of being ridiculous and making a big mess of things, being miserable for three days, having your friends think you're an insane stalker? Because I'd miss all the fun.
"I was just afraid you'd want something from me... something I couldn't give you." I mutter quietly. She steps closer to me, her hand against my arm.
"I just want you, Naomi. Whatever you want to do, I'll go with you on it." If only everyone in school could see how confident and reassuring Emily is, how she cares about everything, absolutely everything.
She smiles at me, the hand that's on my arm, stroking up and down to try and calm me, leaving goosebumps in its wake, having the opposite effect on me. I've missed her so much, and the contact of her fingers against my arm are things my dreams have been made of for the past three days.
"I want to kiss you." I whisper, almost ashamed. "Can I... can I kiss you?" Her smile widens as she takes another small step closer to me, and I can feel her stomach brush against mine and her hands slide up to grasp behind my neck. How I've missed the feeling, I'll never be able to fully explain to her, to fully describe.
I can't hold back any longer. My lips are on hers. I wrap my arms around her waist like I've been wanting to, and I pull her close to me.
"It really hurts when you run from me." She mumbles against my lips. She's so vulnerable, it shatters my heart.
"I'm sorry." I say, still breathless from her kiss as I dive in for another. "I'm sorry." I say again before continuing to kiss her. I don't mean to run. This is all very scary though. Very. She kisses me harder and I forget why I'm afraid. We're losing control and I think she knows it, but I don't think she cares. The door jiggles a bit as the doorknob turns, not by either of us.
We jump apart as light spills into our dark closet.
"Thomas!" Emily squeaks out, her lips bruised and swollen, her hair a mess. Thomas merely looks between the two of us innocently.
"Hid one of these here when I first came," He said, passing us by into the janitor's closet as he picks up a pack of gum. Thomas has a thing for sweets. As he's about to leave, he looks at the two of us again, and this time, he frowns.
"What are you two girls doing in the closet?" I purse my lips and glance over at Emily.
I really... really don't know how to respond to that.