Life Without You

By Shattered Tenshi

Part One

Echizen Ryoma didn't know how to cry. Ever since he could remember, he had never shed a tear. Instead of shedding tears, all of his emotions were expressed through tennis. And that was why he won all his matches - he cannot lose.

But at the same time, he lost all his matches because he cannot win.

Ever since he had left Japan for good, even though he had played several great games, he would never consider them his best. Not since Tezuka Kunimitsu had pushed him away for the last time.

"Become the pillar of Seigaku."

Ryoma lay on his hotel bed, his eyes blinking as he stared up at the unfamiliar ceiling. He had had a long day, facing one opponent after another in a tournament held in New York City. He knew he should go to sleep as the finals would be held the next day. But there was no way that could happen though.

He hadn't been able to sleep properly for five years now.

This time, it wasn't going to be any different.

Every time he couldn't sleep, his mind would wander back to those times.

"Echizen, become the pillar of Seigaku."

Between the two of them, he was always the one who initiated things. He was the one who showed up at Tezuka's apartment one day when he first entered university. He had taken in the look of shock on Tezuka's face, held tight onto his bag and breezed into the apartment.

After that, Tezuka had never bothered kicking him out.

The first few days, there was a polite atmosphere between the two of them. Ryoma was getting use to university life while Tezuka was getting use to coming back home to someone waiting for him. They shared a few words every now and then when needed and ate their meals together in silence.

On the fifth day, Ryoma proceeded to seduce his former buchou by launching a surprise attack while Tezuka was in the shower. He was going to laugh when he felt Tezuka literally jump into the air when he hugged him from behind under the running water, naked. Then he decided that would totally ruin the mood, so he continued with his plan. He teased Tezuka until the older male decided it was time for him to take control.

From the shower, they stumbled into Tezuka's bedroom, not the guest room Ryoma was staying it. They didn't care about the amount of water that was dripping onto the floor. All they wanted was to feel each other. In their hurry, they knocked down a lamp and created a long scratch on the wall.

The wall, to the present, had not been repainted.

"Ryoma…"

He would never ever forget Tezuka's voice when the older man had called out his name.

Ryoma could still remember the awkwardness after the passion had died down. Neither male knew what to do. Should they treat it like a one-night-stand, or should they snuggle together and declare their undying love for each other? They had lain beside each other, arms slightly touching, as they slowly regained their normal breathing pattern. After a few minutes, Tezuka reached out and held Ryoma's hand.

When they woke up the next day, Ryoma found himself snuggling up to Tezuka. The moment their eyes met, they shared a small smile. The awkwardness had disappeared and the comfortable silence had left them with a mutual understanding.

After that day, the guest bedroom was left vacant.

Ryoma flung off the blanket and sat up in bed. He took in deep breaths as he felt his heart constricting from the memories that were swarming his mind. He ruffled his own hair in frustration and let his feet touch the carpeted floor. Slumping into the chair beside the window, he stared out at the still-awake American city.

"Buchou…"

"I haven't been your buchou for quite some time now, Echizen."

"Tezuka.."

"…Ryoma…"

"…………………….Kunimitsu."

Ryoma knew how he looked like right now. The dark bags were heavy under his eyes, and even though he could still smirk and provoke his opponents, those actions no longer had life in them. He only did them because it was his style to do so. His hair has lost his shine and if it wasn't for his manager, he would have lost his sense of fashion as well.

"I…I really like your eyes, Ryoma."

Once. Tezuka told him that once. And the golden-eyed male had treasured those words for a very long time, because he knew he might never hear Tezuka ever say them again. He wondered what Tezuka would think of him now. Those once-beautiful eyes of his had turned dull and lifeless.

They were happy together for a time. Then the public found out about them. They weren't sure how word got out, but it had been revealed that the two tennis players were living together and were involved in a serious relationship together. Some people were supporting, but there were also damn reporters who wanted to know every single strenuous detail about their lives. Each day, there would be reporters outside the door, waiting for the moment they would walk out to bombard them with questions. Every now and then, they would get hate mails from either Tezuka's fans or Ryoma's fans, cursing them, wanting them to separate. After the first time reading one or two of them, they had never bothered opening the rest.

At first, it wasn't hard to ignore. They had the support of their friends and family, though it took forever to convince Echizen Nanjiroh that he'd never see Ryoma bringing girls home, but it was bearable.

Then that happened.

After that, came an invitation for Ryoma to become a professional player in the United States.

"You should go."

"I've already refused it once when I was in high school. I'll refuse it again."

"You should go."

Ryoma understood Tezuka's thought process. He watched as Tezuka slowly became more withdrawn, pushing him further and further away. Tezuka was trying to be selfless, not wanting to get in the way of Ryoma's future. He was suffering from the constant hounding from the press, and he blamed himself for allowing that to happen.

It wasn't long till Ryoma figured out Tezuka's plan. He knew about Tezuka's meetings with both Fuji and Atobe. He knew that Tezuka was going to use them, both of them, as an excuse to push Ryoma away, to his so-called glorious, opportunity-filled future.

That was why he spent his time wandering around the apartment when Tezuka wasn't home to memorize every single detail of it. He knew soon, he would never see the apartment again.

He had sat on the bed, the bed they had slept together on for so many nights. He could remember one of those nights when their lust had got the better of them. He could still remember how surprised he felt when Tezuka had blindfolded him and tied him to the bedpost, causing him to writhe and beg.

"Kunimitsu…ah! Stop that. Just…just take me already, damn it!"

He had buried his head into a pillow, one that smelt of Tezuka and refused to let go. In his mind, all the memories on that bed, their bed, flashed through his mind, mocking him. The times they had sex, no, made love in passion, in lust, in frustration, in gentleness.

The opening of the apartment door had shaken him out of his flashbacks, and he had reluctantly let go of the pillow and pretended nothing had happened.

Now in his hotel room, Ryoma hugged his knees close as he felt his body shake. He could barely remember how Tezuka smelt, yet he could still imagine Tezuka's hand caressing his skin.

"Mine".

"Yours."

Then it finally happened. It was on a cloudy day, raindrops threatening to fall anytime. Tezuka had told him how his feelings for Ryoma had faded. That he should leave for America for a better future, than one with him. Unlike what Ryoma had expected, Tezuka never mentioned anyone else's name. Ryoma didn't say anything. He had realized he no longer wanted to see Tezuka suffer because of him. He was the one who dragged Tezuka into all this after all. So he had remained silent. He had quietly walked towards their room and packed as Tezuka watched him.

Before he left, Tezuka handed back the key chain Ryoma had custom-made for him. It was suppose to be part of a set. One was a model of his own racket while the other was the model of Tezuka's racket. He had kept Tezuka's racket while Tezuka kept Ryoma's. Now he was handing it back to him.

"I don't need this to remind me of us."

Ryoma wondered if Tezuka knew how much those words had hurt and haunted him over the years. In his hand, he held on to the same key chain. He squeezed his eyes shut, as if to push out the memories.

He had always thought of himself as someone who can survive independently no matter what happened. That he could always move on with life no matter what.

But that was before Tezuka. And he realized, without Tezuka, he couldn't do anything at all.

"Yours."

"Mine."

Perhaps, it would be better for him to cry. To let go of all those feelings that had been suppressed in himself for so long. He blinked his eyes rapidly, trying to squeeze out the tears, but none would come. He really didn't know how to cry.

A knock on the door disrupted his trail of thoughts. He looked out the window again and realized that morning had arrived without him noticing. A tired look appeared on his face and slumped deeper into the large chair. He didn't want to reply to his morning call. His manager would understand. Another louder knock was heard.

Maybe not.

"I don't want to go."

He could feel Tezuka watching him, his eyes judging his reactions. Suddenly, he wanted to turn around and try to find a glimpse of Tezuka in the small hotel room. Yet he knew, he wouldn't be able to find anything he wanted there.

"Are you scared?"

He could hear Tezuka's voice asking him that. In the tone of a captain, someone who could push him to his limits.

Ryoma couldn't respond. Not even in his mind.

"Become of the pillar of Seigaku."

The words from a long time ago vibrated through his mind.

He had succeeded in becoming the pillar and Tezuka had pushed him away so that he could exceed even that.

"Conquer the world, Ryoma."

"I don't want to."

He could still remember the blank look Tezuka gave him when he gave him back the key chain. He had clenched it tight, gave his lover a final look and walked away. He had never turned back once.

"Show me your tennis, Echizen."

Ryoma clenched the key chain in his hand once more. He slowly stood up, slightly unstable.

Despite the brokenness and emptiness he felt, Echizan Ryoma prepared himself to face the world again.

Author's Note: looks around nervously De...dou? How was it? No matter what my beta said about this being good, I can't help feel a bit apprehensive. I think this is my first time writing proper angst... Hope I did a good job. This will have either another two more parts to wrap it up...or if I feel up to it, five parts in total.