Author's note: So one night, me and three friends stayed up. Very late. Around 3:00 AM, I decided to write a ridiculous entry in my journal, beginning with "I met this totally hot dude." And we just went off from there, passing the journal around, adding more to this story. Sleep deprivation + already crazy people scary-plotless-weird-wth?-random story. Yes, this is most definitely a parody. So enjoy :)

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Dear Diary,

Today I met this totally hot dude named Edward. He's a drop dead gorgeous vampire hunk of a man. He gave me a beautiful bag of blood. Except I also met another boy named Jacob. Jacob is a werewolf, and he gave me an arm of bloody meat. He called it Grendel's mom's arm. How romantic!

I think I'm in love! I'm going to seduce both of them! Because I'm totally going to win them both with my mystical powers. But today there was this terrible tornado named Hurricane Fabio that blew up my house, so I needed to find a place to stay. So I decided to go to Edward's house.

His dad, an 80 year old man, opened the door and invited me in, gladly. What a nice man! Then Edward came down the stairs and ripped off his head. How terrible!

"I love you," he said, smiling sweetly at me, gazing in my eyes.

"Let's go eat burgers!" I suggested.

"Ok! Let's do it! But I only eat blood, because I'm a vampire. Pay for me!"

Psh. What a stingy guy. 'Whatever,' I thought. I got mad. So I left and went to Jacob's house.

When I arrived, he was not home. But his mom answered the door. She said, "Would you like some cookies?"

"NO THANK YOU!" I screamed viciously. "Where is Jacob?" I then asked.

"I killed him!" said his mother.

I gasped. "How dare you!"

"Just kidding! They went to the burger shop!"

"...they?" I asked in confusion? Jacob and Edward??

I ran, to the burger shop. It started raining raviolis and the smell of meat and tomato pounded my beautiful, but forlorn face.

I decided to be emo, so I opened my mouth and ate raviolis that fell from the sky. It splattered on my face, and looked like blood. It fit perfectly with my emo image.

"AH! My beautiful face!" I screamed. I lamented because Jacob will never love me with raviolis over my face.

But suddenly the wind blew my hair into my face and then a branch fell on my foot. My heel broke! I am sad. Jacob will not love me without my sparkly heels!

Suddenly a loud scream vent the air! I turned and saw Jacob, who screamed so high he shorted out the fuse box on the telephone pole.

"EEEEK!" It's a BLOODY MONSTER!"

"Oh, Jacob, I'm not bloody; I'm Bella!" I cried as I attempted to leap into his horrified arms. Unfortunately, since my heel was broken, my shoes threw me off, right into a pile of dog poop. "Oh no! My nose is RUINED!"

Jacob's scream disappeared into the night as I struggled to relinquish the grasp of the dung, which had begun to come alive. The dung said, "Oh Bella, please be my wife!!" very loudly. I slapped where I thought was its face but it might not have been really.

Jacob then proceeded to kick and claw me, because he said he needed to practice his werewolf kung fu on living poop. Oh no! Just my luck! So he began to scream, "Hi-ya!" at me, but the poop bit his finger!

I felt so bad that my potential boyfriend would hate me, so I tried to rip the poop off, except the poop threw up glitter onto my eyes. Then I became pretty! (Not that I wasn't pretty before...Ok, maybe I was pretty ugly).

I was a bombshell: gorgeous lips, a nice butt, and the PERFECT left foot. Dazzled in my newfound beauty, I started taking my newly acquired shoes (pink with blue glitter) off sexily. Jacob could not resist the fresh sent of mint that emanated from my exquisite limb.

All of a sudden, Jacob threw up in my face. My awesome and glamorous outfit was RUINED AGAIN!! I couldn't bear it a second time so I found more ravioli and stuffed myself since I was DEPRESSED.

I became a balloon.

And died.

-Bella