Even If It Kills Me

by alwaysbringback-up

A close call during a case brings raw emotions to the surface. Will Kate finally tell Castle how she feels? Just how much will it take for them to wake up to the undeniable attraction love that exists between them? Will be Caskett through and through...

Title: Even If It Kills Me (based on the song and lyrics by Jason Mraz)

Category: TV Shows - Castle

Rating: T (just to be on the safe side)

Disclaimer: Sadly the amazing shows that is Castle and its amazing, priceless characters do not belong to me!

Spoilers: Through the end of Set-up and Countdown.

A/N: So in all truth and honesty, this is a story that I wrote a while ago, but never got around to post it. After searching around on my hard drive and sifting through the hundreds of files (I'm not kidding. I have an insane number of documents in my fanfiction folder) in my documents folder I came back across this. Over the last couple weeks I've gone back and forth about posting it. In the mean time, I altered it a little bit to fit with the current storyline of the story. Now, I almost feel like it's stronger and fits in with the events of this season better than for the period of time I originally designed it for. Anyhow, it has a bit of suspense, drama, and towards the end a little light at the end of the tunnel. With the incredible response I've received in conjunction with my other stories, I can't help but want to post this. I'm hoping you will find it enjoyable and give me feedback. I'm still working on my other story, Ask Me How I Love You (I'm about halfway through the next chapter) and hoping this will tide you over. It looks like I just might have some time this weekend to hash out the rest of it. I really hope you guys enjoy this.

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"Kate!" Castle's loud voice boomed throughout the subway platform as they cornered their main murder suspects, two of them actually. Rick and Kate had figured out that both had been working together in a string of killings in the city. Most of the murders had happened on subway platforms themselves. And now they were charged with the task of finding the two men before another completely innocent person died. Kate had just reached the bottom of the stairs, and leapt over the turnstile with ease. Castle was only a couple of steps behind. Kate was shouting after their suspect, trying to get people to clear the way. He could see a glint as the light reflected off of the silver weapon as the man pulled it out of his jacket. Only Kate didn't see it because her eyes were already on a second person shoving their way through the crowd. A man they knew to be the second killer. Castle knew that by the time she realized that a bullet was headed her way, she wouldn't be able to do anything. Before he could even think about the matter a moment longer, Castle jumped the last few stairs and leapt over the turnstile just as the shot rang out. Air was pushed out of both of their lungs, as their two very solid bodies connected in a full on tackle and they tumbled and rolled over the concrete floor. They winced as the friction of the roughened concrete scuffed the flesh of their exposed hands, and put new holes in their clothes. For a moment Kate wondered what the hell had just happed.

Then suddenly, as her eyes and ears took in her surroundings everything came back in an instant. Another shot rang out as the man fired another shot into the air, threatening to harm those around him. Screams echoed in the air around her as Kate frantically looked around. Her eyes darted to Castle, who was slowly pushing himself off the floor. She locked eyes with him, holding his gaze as she got quickly to her knees. She hesitated briefly, and Castle noticed this. He knew that he would only slow her down. And getting the man was obviously more important, so he made the choice for her.

"Go!" the single command made her decision for her. "I'll be right behind you!" He assured her. Her gun was lying feet from her now, contrasting wildly with the grimy, stained white concrete. Her heartbeat thundered in her ears as instinct took over and she darted for the gun, scooping it up off the concrete as she took off after the shooter. Ryan and Esposito were scrambling down the opposite staircase, trailing after Kate and the two hostiles. No one seemed to notice the man stumbling to get up from the floor.

One of these days the ground will drop out from beneath your feet

One of these days your heart will stop and play its final beat

One of these days the clocks will stop and time won't mean a thing

Castle felt dizzy as he tried to take one rasping breath after another. At first he thought that it was simply because he hit his head after the main impact of hitting the floor. His temple throbbed from where it had struck the concrete, but then another ache quickly overshadowed the other. It wasn't an ache, but felt like the left side of his body was on fire. When he tried to for the first time, his legs gave out on him and he sank back to his knees as sweat pooled on his forehead. He reached out for something for support, anything to hold him up. His heartbeat was thundering deafeningly in his ears as he looked around, struggling to make sense of what was happening. He felt strange. Something was wrong, only he hadn't figured out what it was just yet. His thoughts were no longer ordered and precise like he was used to, but rather, they were all jostled around. He was left grappling for words and adjectives to describing what was happening. He knew that he should be going after Beckett but after a long moment of contemplation he realized that he had no recollection of where it was that he was or where exactly Beckett was. A white-hot pain in his chest had him reaching for it as a grunt escaped his lips. His eyes searched frantically for familiar face that he hoped might offer him some comfort, but Kate and the Ryan and Esposito were already lost in the sea of people below. Thickly, he swallowed over the large lump in his throat as he encountered dampness. He knew what he would see when he pulled his hand away from under his dress coat, but nothing could quite prepare him for the sticky, viscous deep crimson substance now coating his hand. He sank back to the floor, as dizziness overtook him. His hands shook uncontrollably they darted for the pocket of his coat. Help. He needed help. He pulled out his phone, trying to dial three numbers. It took all of his concentration to do so. Ultimately, he pressed the three numbers. He was trying to hit the call button when the phone slipped from between his fingers. A muffled cry fell from his lips as the device slipped from between his fingers and onto the concrete.

"No…" Castle muttered in frustration as he tried to pick up the phone without making any large movements. He sank lower to the ground. He grunted, nearly screamed, as he shifted and another white-hot pain shot reverberated through his body. Blindly, he groped for it, as his fingers slid over roughened concrete.

"Sir?" a breathless voice came from his left. He heard quickened steps and then a moment later she appeared. It appeared to be a good samaritan, dressed in light purple scrubs. She rushed over as he tried to get up again. He made it to a seated position, but could make it no further. "Are you all right?" Castle swallowed as the woman touched him gently on the shoulder. Her voice was a mellow drone in the back of his mind, as he turned to face her. The sudden rush of sensations left him confused as his body became hyperaware of everything around him. He could feel energy leaving him, as if it were being sucked away and was dissipating into the air around him. Lights and colors blurred together as he struggled to form words. The young woman gasped as she saw the blood staining his expensive dress shirt for the first time. Suddenly, she was helping him out of his jacket, and was pushing him down to the ground. Meanwhile, she was crying out to those around her for any assistance. Clearly, she was someone who thrived on pressure, and Castle was grateful that she seemed to know exactly what to do. She lifted his feet from the floor, trying to increase the blood flow to his head as he was catapulted into the first phase of shock. She picked up Castle's suit coat from the ground next to him and bundled it into a ball before pushing it down over Castle's wound. She put all of her weight into it as she tried to apply pressure. She had to stop the bleeding somehow. Castle couldn't help but scream out, as hands forcibly pressed down, like a white-hot iron on the left-hand side of his chest. So much blood was seeping from beneath her hands as she tried to stem the blood flow, but she seemed completely unbothered by it. He closed his eyes, wanting to drown out the deafening sound of voices and cries filling the space around him. He was growing tired. His body quavered on the floor as the woman kept talking to him.

But it's alright

Yeah it's alright

I said it's alright

"Someone call an ambulance!" the woman cried loudly, hoping that someone was already on it. She knew it would be a matter of time. If the ambulance couldn't make it there in less than 10 minutes Castle would bleed out.

"Are you a cop?" the question, made Castle feel sick to his stomach, as he was forced to answer in the negative.

"N-no, I... just a writer," Castle choked out as his limbs shook in response to the sudden waves coursing through his body. Adrenaline coursed through his body, in a surge as it entered fight or flight mode. Chances are, his heart and brain were already processing the level of damage in his body, and his heart was working harder just to get blood to his brain. It is strange how the body works, and its inner workings are a mystery to many. You ever wonder why is it that the body reacts to massive trauma in the ways that it does? The answer is simple. The body is designed to do one thing. Live. And when it feels threatened it will do everything, and I mean everything to do just that. As pressure in the system drops, the parasympathetic nervous system is inhibited and the Sympathetic takes over. Norepinephrine and Epinephrine (Adrenaline) are released on cardiac and smooth muscle all over the body. The heart rate increases, trying to increase cardiac output, in order to compensate for the severe decrease in venous return. In all senses of the word, the cardiovascular system is meant to be a closed system. And in cases, where there is a leak in the system, it is devastating. Think about what a leaky pipe can do to a basement. That's why in localized areas of trauma, blood vessels constrict to reduce or cease blood flow to damaged tissues, instead choosing to reroute it to more vital areas of the body. It tries to keep the system closed. It tries to maintain arterial and venous pressure as high as it can.

At that precise moment, Castle felt like he might be able to have move a mountain. Only, he knew that before long that feeling would be gone. He closed his eyes for a long moment taking a deep breath. Only he felt like he was hardly breathing. His body wanted more oxygen, always more. He felt so cold. The concrete felt like ice underneath him, sucking up all the warmth from him as his blood spilled out around him.

"That was a downright brave thing you did," she commented. "I saw you tackle that woman." Castle expelled a weak breath as he willed his body to relax. Sound was distorted. It was so strange. He could hear her, only she sounded so far away. He felt like he was watching everything happen with detached interest. Perhaps it was just a bad movie he was being forced to watch. A nightmare he was being forced to dream through. "You probably saved her life." He tried to ignore the pain. As time passed moment by moment, Castle focused less and less on the pain in his side and more on the fatigue that was overtaking him quickly. He groaned as the woman shook him over and over again in small intervals. She was gentle.

One of these days

I bet your heart'll be broken

I bet your pride'll be stolen

One of these days

"What's your name?" she asked. "Can you tell me your name?" Rick swallowed as he struggled to breath a reply.

"R-Rick," Castle grated out, "It's Rick…Castle." He coughed multiple times. He felt like he couldn't breath and the pain was making it impossible on its own. His lungs didn't seem to be filling with air. And the more he strained to breathe, the more agony he was forced to endure.

"Okay, Rick," she breathed calmly as she checked his pulse, her brow furrowing in worry as it was thready and rapid. "I'm Kaylee. I…I'm going to stay with you until the paramedics get here." Rick tried to nod, but failed miserably. Rick's head rolled back and forth on the floor, as he tasted iron for the first time, and thus, felt like he was about to be ill. "You're going to be okay, Rick. But I need you to do me a favor. I need you to stay awake for me. Do you think you can do that?" Castle tried to mutter in the affirmative, but it was getting harder to focus. Black seemed to encroach on every dimension of his vision as he struggled to stay conscious.

Meanwhile, Kate chased the perp across the platform, shoving her way through the smallest of spaces as heads turned after her, wanting to witness the excitement. She muttered insincere apologies as she refused to take her eyes off of the man in front of her. It was personal this time. She was going to make him pay. Her heart raced, and her breaths deepened as she struggled to fill her lungs with oxygen. She refused to give up and reached him just as he rounded on her. Using one of her well-practiced maneuvers she'd perfected during countless hours of sparring sessions she was disarming the man nearly twice her size. He grunted as she threw him headfirst into a stopped train, before spinning him around and throwing him to the concrete with little regard for his safety. The second his body impacted the unforgiving concrete she was already on top of him, fastening his wrists in a shiny pair of cuffs. Her eyes darted around, expecting to see Castle approaching. Graciously, she saw, Esposito tackling the second of the two perps to the floor just as gruesomely as she had. He even threw in a punch for good measure as the other man fought back. Kate's heartbeat picked up in her chest as Ryan rushed over to her and pulled her off of the suspect, before pulling him up from the floor. Kate's eyes darted around, frantically searching for a ruggedly handsome middle-aged writer. Her eyes darted back to Ryan as her partner tweaked the man's shoulder, forcing him to cry out.

"Where's Castle?" Ryan was the first to voice as he too noticed the man's absence.

"I…" Kate felt as if the floor had fallen out under her feet, "I thought he was right behind me." Just as suddenly, a chill shot up her spine. Esposito and Ryan watched the color drain from her face, as the realization struck. "He… He was…. Oh my god." And just like that, she was telling Ryan to take the suspect and was turning away.

"Kate!" Esposito shouted after her as she was already sprinting back the way she came. This time she was shoving people out of her way without apologies. She wasn't aware of any of her surroundings, and only focused on getting back to the other side of the platform as fast as humanly possible. Her muscles ached with exertion, but she ignored it. Nothing mattered. Nothing else mattered but him. My god, if something happened to him she would never forgive herself. He had seen what she hadn't, and had saved her life. And she hadn't even checked to make sure he was okay? Thoughts raced through her mind, countless memories that seemed to run through her mind like a mini-movie. From the first moment they met. To the first time he'd saved her life. To the first time he'd surprised her with his sensitivity and thoughtfulness. Each thought, each memory, spurred her on. It wasn't supposed to happen like this.

"Do you have any family, Rick? A wife? A daughter? A son?" Kaylee asked trying to engage him in conscious thought.

"D-daughter," he muttered in a raspy breath. He tasted iron again and coughed. This time he was sure the taste left in his mouth was not a good sign. "Alexis."

"Alexis," she smiled, happy she had found something she knew she could keep him talking about. "Tell me about her." Rick's eyes drifted shut.

"Rick. Please tell me about her," the woman pleaded, "Tell me about Alexis." She could tell he was slipping fast. The bullet had entered high in the abdominal cavity just underneath his ribs, and there was no exit wound through his back. There was a chance that he was bleeding internally and in serious danger of bleeding to death. There was a chance that he had no chance to live at all.

"She-She's beautiful," Castle whispered, grunting, "Smart. B-Best daughter anyone could ask for."

"Good," she breathed, "That's good. Tell me more." It was getting harder for him to speak. He couldn't breath. His breathing rate increased as less oxygen made it into his lungs. His breathing was raspy, and he struggled with every breath he took.

He continued to struggle to breathe. Kaylee could see his chest, rising and falling as he struggled to breathe in and out. He wasn't getting enough oxygen. Finally, he stopped. His chest stopped moving up and down, as Castle couldn't take the pain any longer.

"No," Kaylee spoke forcefully. "Breathe, Rick. You need to breathe. Come on…" Her voice cracked, showing its first emotion.. "In. Out," she coached. "Come on. Don't give up. Don't you dare give up!" Castle's eyes closed as he struggled to pull in enough air. He just wanted to go to sleep.

"No," she protested, shaking his body. "You can't go to sleep either."

"So t-tired," he choked out weakly.

"I know. I know you are," Kaylee replied. "But you can't..."

As Kate reached the far end of the platform, her worst fears were confirmed when she saw a crowd gathered at the bottom of the stairwell. She felt her heart skip a beat, as she shoved her way through as fast as she could, tears already threatening to slip from her eyes. When she broke through into the center of the small circle and saw the blood staining the concrete, she thought she was going to be sick. She gagged. She'd never been one to be squeamish when it came to the substance. After all, she'd seen the worst of the worst when it came to crime scenes, but she'd never ever been prepared to see so much blood leaking from someone she cared about so much, someone she loved. Suddenly, Kate realized that she needed to do her job. She barked into her radio for help, only to be informed that the ambulance was still a couple of minutes out. She stared at the sight in front of her, and tried to hold back her most overwhelming emotions. All she could keep thinking was that this could not be happening. She couldn't lose him. Not now. Not after she'd finally figured everything out.

"Castle," Kate's voice was distraught. "Oh god, this can't be happening. W-Where did you get hit?" The woman tending to Rick whipped around, her eyes locking with Kate.

Kate rushed the last couple of feet and dropped to her knees.

"You know him?" The woman asked quickly as Kate pulled off her jacket, and slipped it over Castle midsection. His body was shaking so violently it was hard to take in.

"Y-Yes. He's…He's my partner," Kate struggled to speak. "I'm Kate..." She choked on her own name, as tried to keep herself composed. She swallowed, and tried again. This time her voice was a bit steadier, "Kate Beckett. With the NYPD."

"He said he wasn't a cop," Kaylee's brow furrowed.

"Whatever he said…" Kate shook her head. "He-He's one of us. He works with our unit." The young woman nodded.

"I'm Kaylee," the woman breathed. "I…I'm not going to lie to you, Kate. It's bad." Kate nodded, grateful for her honesty. "He…He took one to the upper left quadrant. There's no exit wound, and he's having trouble breathing. I...I think it perforated his stomach, and may have even nicked his liver."

"W-what can I do to help?" Kate's voice quavered. "Let me help."

"He's losing a lot of blood," Kaylee tried to keep her voice calm. Kate could see that the young woman was putting all of her weight over where she was applying pressure, and yet, blood was still leaking out from beneath her hands. "His blood pressure is dropping fast. I need you to try to keep him calm, but more importantly try and keep him up and talking. I'm trying to apply as much pressure as I can. But he's still losing a lot of blood." Kate nodded. Her hands shook as she took one of his shaking hands in hers, holding it in a vice grip. He was her anchor, her everything, and she needed to hold onto him. She knelt forwards, trying to see his eyes. She was so scared that she was going to lose him. In a mantra, she told herself over and over that it was going to be okay. Castle was deceptively strong. He could make it through this. She just needed him to hang on.

"Rick," Kate tried to say in an even and calmed voice. "It's okay. It's gonna be okay. Just stay with me, Rick. Don't leave me. Please don't leave me." Kate's voice broke at the end, and that was when Kate truly lost it. Kaylee pushed down harder, more determined than ever to stop the bleeding. She could see how much Kate loved Rick, and wasn't going to let him die. She just wasn't going to let it happen. Kate clearly wasn't ready to let him go. Castle shifted on the concrete, and nearly screamed. Another grimace took over his handsome features. "I know. God, I know. I'm sorry," Kate apologized quickly, "I know it hurts." Even with his eyes closed he must have heard the helplessness in Kate's voice, because he opened his eyes again, and tried to reassure Kate, without so many words, that it was going to be okay. Never mind that Kate is the one who was supposed to be reassuring him His eyes fluttered closed again, and he passed into blackness. Kate tried in vain, to get him back for several minutes.

"Rick?" the familiar voice seemed to register somewhere deep in his mind. Although it wasn't until he saw her sea-green eyes swim into his vision that he realized who it was. He let out a ragged breath as she reached out to caress his pale face. Castle studied her expression carefully. It was rare for her to appear so rattled. And yet, she still looked like an angel. Castle's eyes drifted closed. He felt at peace, knowing that she was there with him. All he wanted now was for the pain to ease, and to drift off into a calm peaceful sleep.

One of these days your eyes will close and pray you'll disappear

One of these days you will forget to hope and learn to fear

But it's alright

Yeah it's alright

I said it's alright

"No," a panicked voice was loud as he was woken up another time. "No," Kate's voice quavered traitorously. "Rick," Kate pleaded as she grabbed his hands. "Hey. I need you to stay awake. I need you to stay with me. Stay with me."

"Kate," the sound of her name passing from his lips and the finality in his tone scared her to death. It was barely more than a whisper. It was the best he could muster and it pull at her heart. "I swear you have the most beautiful eyes I've ever seen. Have I ever told you that?"

"No," Kate choked back the tears threatening to fall. "Never so eloquently."

Her touch was gentle as she framed his face with her hands, looking into his dimming eyes. He tried to speak again only words failed him. He coughed as he took in a breath only to feel as if he was suffocating. His mouth opened as a fair volume of blood pushed its way past his lips. He was choking.

"Kaylee!" Kate's voice sounded panic as she jumped back in alarm. Her heart was pounding and her hands shook more as she struggled to take in the sight in front of her. "He's choking!"

Instinctively, Kate turned his head, trying to get him to spit it out onto the concrete so he didn't drown in his own blood. Her hands shook and her body seemed to feel as it were under extreme duress. It was the fight or flight instinct at work on her as well. It was almost too much to take emotionally. Her body was telling her to run. But she would never leave Castle. She couldn't.

Castle struggled to lift his head. He wanted to know how bad it was. He wanted to know where it was he was hit. He was afraid now. He was afraid he was going to die, and Kate could see that fear in his eyes as he struggled to sit. Kate gently pushed him back down.

"No…" her voice was gentle, "Don't…Don't look at the blood. Castle, look at me. Hey, look at me. It's going to be okay."

Don't say it's alright

Don't say it's alright

Don't say it's alright

"It…It's bad isn't it?" he coughed again. Castle let out another moan as he started clawing at his own chest. Kate grabbed his other hand.

"No," she soothed, "Don't do that." She looked into his eyes. Tears slipped forth as she feared the worst. She could hear each rasping breath he was sucking in. He was fighting with everything he had, and still, he was choking on his own blood.

"God, does anyone have some…" Caste whined, before finishing the last word with a fresh cough, still more blood came out, "M-Morphine. Just give me s-something. P-please…"

"Shh, don't speak. Save your energy." Kate soothed, leaning down to brush her forehead against his, "Castle, I know it hurts. Just try to relax. I'm right here. I'm right here and I'm not going anywhere."

"K-Kate," he managed to choke out. She turned her head slightly as he tried to say something to her.

"Shh," Kate breathed. Though her ear hovered just above Castle's lips. She knew that if there was something he wanted to say that he would try to do it anyways.

"A-Alex-is," he managed to choke out. "T-take care of her for me. P-Please."

"Don't you dare," Kate nearly sobbed. "Don't you dare die on me, Castle. Rick, I need you to stay with me, please."

"P-Promise me," he pleaded back. "I need y-you to p-promise." Those were the words that broke her into a million pieces.

"You know I will," Kate promised as she cried, "I love her like she's one of my own, Castle. You know that."

"G-good," Castle replied.

"Castle," Kate caressed his face with her hands, running her fingers over every contour as she tried to memorize the feel of it. "This… This is not how it's supposed to end."

"We're losing him," Kaylee's rattled voice announced, as she checked his pulse again. "He's going into shock." Kaylee could hardly feel his pulse. "He's not getting enough oxygen. We need to roll him on his side. He's still choking." His pulse was weak, and he'd already lost a high volume of blood. The human body pumps its entire volume, nearly 5 liters of blood in a single minute. When blood stops reaching vital organs such as the brain or the heart the body attempts to reroute the blood to where it is needed most. This is where shock comes in. The body recognizes that the heart, lungs, and brain are not getting enough blood, and so it starts rerouting higher volumes of blood to these organs. Castle was in shock because he'd lost too much blood. They had no way of knowing which vessel had been hit, but the sheer amount of blood loss indicated a large artery had been nicked or severed. Kate acted quickly. Together, Kate helped Kaylee roll him onto his right side. It was almost impossible to maintain pressure on the wound this way, but the fact that the blood was in his airways or his stomach, meant that gravity was now their best friend as they tried to keep him from suffocating or choking to death. She took over trying to apply pressure as Kaylee struggled to hold him on an angle so that he could breath a little easier.

"T-Tell me how it's supposed to end," Castle breathed weakly as he looked into Kate's shimmering eyes. He knew that it must be bad for her to appear so distraught. She thought he was dying. Each rasping breath was a struggle and Kate could see him doing everything he could to cope with the catastrophic damage to his chest cavity. She could see the agony in his expression as he gritted his jaw together to prevent the screams that would have otherwise escaped. He couldn't take his eyes away from Kate's. The light green eyes made Kate look like a sea goddess. Her beauty took his breath away. He only that wished he didn't have to leave her.

"You're the writer, not me," Kate cried, unable to hold back her tears. "You know the ending."

"Tell me anyways," he winced as he shifted. The words gurgled in his throat. "Katie, please."

"Okay," Kate's voice shook as she saw two paramedics barreling down the stairway towards them with a gurney and a backboard. She just had to get him to hang on a little longer. "We…we go to dinner." Kate spoke in a panicked voice, "It's supposed to be the result of one of those stupid bets we always make. Only…. you wind up taking me to this upscale four-star restaurant and somehow, what was supposed to be a casual date, becomes something more. Then, when you drop me off back at my place, a touch, nothing more than a goodnight kiss on the cheek, turns into something of a whole other intensity. Before I know what's happening, I'm kissing you and taking off your clothes as I realize just how much I've loved you all this time."

"Kate," Castle's voice was pleading as he tried to get her to stop, but her name was barely audible. It was too much. The amount of emotions he felt seemed to be too much to bear. Somehow, she was inside his head, reading his thoughts. She seemed to know exactly how he felt, and now she was saying all of these beautiful and perfect things to him. Kate felt her heart clench painfully in her chest. He probably thought that she was saying all of these things purely for his benefit. But what he didn't realize was that she was doing it for herself as well.

"We carry on a low-key relationship with one another for a while, and try to keep it under the radar at work. So naturally, everyone there knows about our relationship," Kate breathed softly. "With all of the cases we work together, we have our ups and downs. But the more we go through together, the more that I'm sure that I love you and that you're the one I'm meant to be with the rest of my life. On our anniversary…" Kate choked up, not sure she could finish. "On our anniversary, you propose. Like a writer designing a perfect plot, you plan everything out to a T, and thus, you make it impossible for me to say no. You drop to your knee in the middle of the precinct after a particularly taxing case, and ask me in front of everyone to marry you. Needless to say, I…I accept, and the next fall we get married up in the Hamptons on a perfect day in late August. Afterwards, you decide that you want to make things a little more official and apply for a position at the academy, so we can be true partners. You pass through with flying colors and become one of us. Then, before we know it, another couple of years pass and there are a couple of mini-Castle's running around our apartment as they play laser tag with their dad. Alexis, who I already love as one of my own, gets a law degree from Columbia…" Kate reaches up to brush away her own tears. She's in shock herself. None of it seems real, and she's scared to death. "Rick… I need you. Please…"

"I…," Castle rasped, as his body relaxed slightly. "I don't think that I could have written it any better myself."

"Rick?" Kate watched something flicker in his eyes, it was like a light going out, and the shadows left in them had her scared to death. She had to do it now, "Castle, I need you to look at me." His eyes drifted closed for longer intervals. "Please," the depth of emotion in her voice had his eyes opening one last time. The crystalline, vivid, stunning blue eyes had her head spinning as she looked into their depths. They were seemingly bottomless. "I…I need to tell you something," Kate confessed.

"I already know," Castle managed to choke out, though it was barely audible. "Always follow your heart, Kate. Josh is a good man. Just…be happy." Castle reached out for her hand, trying to give it a reassuring squeeze, only the attempt was futile. He had no more strength left in him. In another breath, his eyes were closed and his body went limp.

"No!" Kate shook Castle violently. "Castle. No! Don't you dare do this to me! I love you! Do you hear me? I love you!"

Kate knew Castle thought she and Josh were still together. She hadn't told him about the split yet because she'd wanted to make sure she'd had plenty of time to move on before she told Castle how she truly felt.

"It's just you," Kate whispered between sobs, stroking his face. "I broke it off with Josh three weeks ago. I was waiting for the right moment to tell you, but I was afraid I wasn't ready. Rick, it's only you in my life. Please…you can't leave me like this."

"Miss," she cried out as arms wrenched her away from him and paramedics took her place.

"He took a bullet to the left upper abdominal cavity," Kaylee told them quickly as they placed the bright orange backboard behind him and with utmost care rolled him onto the backboard. Kaylee held his head gently in her hands as one of the paramedics slipped a neck brace around Castle's neck. "His pulse was weak and thready, about 160 the last time I counted. He was having trouble breathing..."

"Thank you," he offered to her gratefully. "We need to get him out of here. Eric, you ready to lift him?"

"Yeah," Eric nodded as he grabbed the backboard. "Get ready to lift in 3...2...1..." Kate watched as they lifted him onto the gurney. Kate watched in horror as the younger looking EMT with brown hair much like that of Castle started strapping him down to the gurney.

"Caleb," Eric spoke as he listened for breath sounds, "He-He's not breathing."

"We can't perform CPR here," Caleb replied quickly. "He's in shock. If we don't get him to a hospital now, he's not going to make it." Kate noticed the look of distress in the man's eyes. What was more important, starting CPR, or getting him up into the ambulance? "We need to get him up the stairs," Caleb's eyes darted towards the stairwell. "You ready to run like you've never run before?"

"Yeah. Go!" Eric replied. In a split second they were sprinting up the stairs as fast as humanly possible.

Kate chased after, watching as the man running alongside tried to keep pressure over the wound. There was blood everywhere and she felt faint as she reached the top of the stairs. They were already loading him into the open bay of the ambulance. She attempted to climb in the back with them, and was denied.

"I'm going with," she barked without question as she flashed them her badge. "He's my partner. He's also the only reason I'm alive right now." The paramedic she knew now to be Caleb nodded, pulling her into the back of the ambulance just as the doors were slammed right behind her. She was thrown back a little bit as the ambulance accelerated from rest to about 80 miles an hour in only a couple of seconds. She watched them scramble around, as they hooked him up to a heart monitor and I.V. almost immediately.

"I'm not getting any breath sounds on the left side," the paramedic announced. "It's got to be atelectasis. The bullet must have caused it to collapse. I need to insert a chest tube." Kate watched as the man took out a needle. She couldn't pull her eyes away as she watched him palpate the protrusions that were apparent from Castle's ribs. He was trying to find the correct intercostal space between the cartilages, connecting his rib bones to his sternum. Kate forced herself to look away as the man plunged the needle deep into Castle's chest pulling out a large volume of blood. He continued to do this before inserting a catheter. That was probably the hardest thing for her to watch. An audible whoosh could be heard as the lung partially reinflated. Unfortunately, Castle was still unable to breath on his own. Halfway into the next minute they intubated him. Time seemed to slow down until it seemed to stop altogether. It seemed to span out infinitely before them. Kate was transfixed as his chest rose and fell with each squeeze of the bag. They were already in the process giving him a blood transfusion, due to the sheer extent of his blood loss, but he still looked a deathly pale. If she wasn't currently touching him, and verifying his existence for herself, Castle looked as if he could have been a ghost. And finally, Kate was asking the question that she knew would mean everything for her.

"Is… Is he going to make it?" Kate tried to keep her voice calm, but it broke under the sheer amount of emotions inside of her. She couldn't breath as one of the men looked her in the eye and held her gaze for a moment. "Is he? Look, I need to know if my partner is going to live!"

"I…I'm sorry. I just don't know," Caleb answered honestly. "The position of the entrance wound is ominous in itself, and there's no exit wound, suggesting that the bullet is lodged somewhere in his thoracic cavity. It could have nicked his heart, or given the appropriate angle could be lodged in his spinal column." Kate swallowed, nodding. She jumped as alarms started going off in the back. They were loud, and their meaning spoke for themselves.

One of these days your heart will stop and play its final beat

But it's alright

Easy for you to say

Your heart has never been broken

Your pride has never been stolen

Not yet not yet

"He's asystolic!" Caleb yelled up to the driver in front.

"We're two minutes out," the man yelled back as Kate watched them scramble for the paddles, "Try and get him to hang on for two more minutes." She jumped back out of the way as she realized what was happening. Castle's heart wasn't beating. He wasn't alive. That fact, crashed over Kate like a ton of bricks, and a monstrous wave of emotions left her drowning in the possibility she might lose the man that she loves, and that he might never know any differently.

"Charge 360," Caleb called out. Kate's hand was pulled away from Castle, as the word "Clear" reverberated through the back of the ambulance. Kate watched as Castle's chest shot up in the air. "No response! Again!" Kate jumped back again, wishing more than anything that she wouldn't have to live through this moment again. And yet she knew that she would relive it over and over again for years to come.

The next few minutes passed in a blur. Paramedics screamed back and forth as they struggled to get Castle's heart to beat again. By the time they were running him into a trauma room, Kate simply felt numb.

She could only just stand there, in the middle of the emergency room, staring at the place where he'd disappeared. She stood like that, completely still as one minute ticked by into another. She'd been standing there nearly a half and hour when a touch had her reeling, and whirling around.

"Kate," Josh sounded shocked, confused, "I haven't seen you or talked to you since…" Josh cleared his throat as he realized that was an inappropriate way to lead the conversation. "What…what are you doing here?" Josh felt panic as he noticed the blood all over her hands and clothes. "Oh my god," Josh breathed anxiously, "Are you okay? Kate, are you hurt?"

"Oh…" Kate gasped, "You mean the blood?" Tears were already seeping from her eyes as she said. "No. It's…It's not mine. S-Something happened…"

Josh grabbed her gently by the shoulders as he led her to a chair to sit down. He knelt down in front of her, trying to hold her gaze. Her hands were shaking and she had a haunted look in her eyes that he had never once seen in them before.

"Kate," Josh breathed softly. "W-what happened? Who got hurt?"

"C-Castle," the name came out in a broken sob. "He got shot. He was protecting me. There…there was so much blood. It was everywhere. They…they took him to trauma, and won't let me see him." Kate's head dropped down into her hands, as she tried to conceal her own tears. It was hard for Josh to watch as her body convulsed in sob after uncontrollable sob. Josh had never seen Kate like this. Ever. And he had no idea what he was supposed to do or say.

"Kate," Josh tried softly, "Katie…" Kate squeezed her eyes shut.

"Damn him," Kate sobbed, "This is what happens when a civilian sticks himself in a place he doesn't belong."

"Kate," Josh hardly dared to breath. "What can I do?"

"I…I have to know if he's okay," Kate pleaded as she looked into Josh's eyes. "His-his heart stopped. Please…I need you to make sure he's alive."

"Kate," Josh sighed. He couldn't believe the look in her eyes. It broke his heart to see her the way she was. He knew it was because she was in love with him. And as much as he loved her, he knew he needed to let go. The only thing he wanted was to ease her pain.

"Please," the one word was enough to tip the scale.

"Okay," Josh said finally leaning forwards to kiss her on the forehead. "I'll be right back. Kate, you need to call Esposito or Ryan. You… You shouldn't be alone right now." Kate nodded. "I'll be right back," he stressed again before he stood up. Kate watched as he practically sprinted through the lobby in his dark navy scrubs and white lab coat. With trembling fingers she pulled out her phone and dialed her boss' number. It seemed to take Montgomery to answer.

"This is Montgomery speaking," he spoke into the receiver. Kate squeezed her eyes shut, trying to keep the tears from falling. She struggled to find the right words to speak next.

"C-Captain? It's Beckett," Kate spoke thickly, her voice a low, deep alto.

"Kate! Oh thank god," her boss breathed into the receiver. "Ryan and Esposito said you and Castle went missing at the subway station… We've been trying to get a hold of you ever since."

"Cap…" Kate breathed into the phone, the pain in her chest is nearly unbearable. "Castle and I are at Sinai. He…He's been shot."

"What?" Montgomery sounded just as shocked as Kate had felt upon realizing what had happened herself. It was as if the floor had just been taken out from under him. "No one called it in…"

"I called it in," Kate choked out. "It happened at the station," Kate's voice shook. "I…It's my fault. I…I should have known the suspect would be armed. I didn't see him pull the gun, but Castle did. He…"

"Kate," Montgomery was jumping out of his seat, "Calm down. It's not your fault."

"It's bad. He…He could die," Kate cried, "Captain..."

"Hey. We're on our way," Montgomery spoke quickly. "Kate we'll be there in twenty minutes."

"What about his family?" Kate inquired. "God. S-Someone has to call Martha and Alexis."

"I think they'd rather hear it from you," Montgomery breathed, "But given the circumstances, I don't think you should talk to them. "Kate…. we'll take care of it. You just hang tight." Kate nodded as her shoulders shook with suppressed sobs.

She stared into the fibers of the carpet at her feet. She was numb. When she woke up this morning, she had no idea that it would turn into a day like this. She could scarcely breath as she started to hyperventilate. She was used to close calls. She had gone through a number of them in the last few years, but never…never had she prepared herself for this scenario. Castle had always been very cavalier when it came to all of the danger they faced. He seemed to just be able to shrug it off. What scared Kate the most was that he wasn't afraid like most when it came to matters of life and death. He seemed to view himself as invincible. Only he wasn't. He was human. And Kate was afraid she was about to lose him. She closed her eyes, flashing back to a night just a month ago.

Kate sat across from her best friend on a rare night out in the city. Lanie had insisted that they take a girl's night out, and Kate had jumped at the chance. She felt as if she needed to clear her mind as much as possible. She took another sip of her drink as she looked around. She liked to be aware of her surroundings, wherever she went. Perhaps it was the cop in her always at work. Finally, as she completed her sweep of the room, her eyes looked up to meet Lanie's. She set down her glass and sighed. She hadn't entirely realized what the night was going to be like until Lanie had asked her the million-dollar question.

"So, how's Josh?" Lanie asked softly, swirling her straw around the inside of her own margarita.

"G-Good," Kate stuttered, "He's good." Kate took a deep breath. "Busy," she corrected a second later. "He's been working a lot of hours."

"I kind of gathered that," Lanie replied. "But that seems to be working out well for you, isn't it?"

"I'm sorry?" Kate's brow furrowed, "I'm not following…"

"I just meant that it's convenient for Castle," Lanie said finally, not the least bit shy about addressing the truth. "You two have been spending a lot of time together lately."

"Lanie," the tone of Kate's voice held a bit of a warning to it. "Don't even go there."

"Kate," Lanie asked as she looked her friend deep in the eyes, "Just what is it that you think you're doing? You have a perfect boyfriend who loved you enough to stay and instead of being completely elated about it, you are miserable…"

"I am not miserable," Kate replied defensively. "Look, just because I don't gush about Josh like you talk about your boyfriends doesn't mean that I don't love him, Lanie."

"Don't you dare think you're going to get away with that one," Lanie lectured. "The thing is, I'm not even sure if you realize what you've been doing. First it was a movie here and there, now it's dinners and late night poker games. Kate… You need to tread carefully here, or someone is going to wind up getting hurt. Namely Castle."

"Lanie," Kate shook her head, "Look, I know what you're thinking, but it's not what you think. We're just friends. And for once, we're both on the same page."

"You really expect me to believe that?" Lanie asked seriously. "Kate, do you still have feelings for him?"

"No," Kate replied indignantly. "I got over that a long time ago."

"Really," Lanie mumbled, still unconvinced, "And sharing three near death experiences hasn't changed your feelings for him at all?" Kate swallowed and looked away as she realized Lanie had struck the nail on the head with that one. She could still remember how close she had come to telling Castle she loved him, while they were in the freezer. She could also still remember wanting to kiss him after he pulled the wires and disabled the bomb. Her heart still raced from time to time while she was in his presence. But never once did she cross the line she'd put in place for herself. She had come close to it last weekend when she'd had one too many drinks at his apartment, but had managed to restrain herself before it happened.

"Ah," Lanie hummed as she saw the flush work its way up Kate's neck.

"Kate," she breathed, "If you do then…. then you need to figure this out before things get out of control." Kate still had to deny it. "He's single now. I'm sure that boy still has feelings for you."

"Nothing is going to get out of control," Kate argued. "I'm smart, Lanie. I know where the boundaries are. Look, I….I'm not going to cheat on my boyfriend. I…I'm happy right now. I'm happy to be with Josh." She closed her eyes. "Even if I do have feelings for Castle, it's become obviously apparent that dating him would be a disaster. He has the worst possible track record when it comes to women. I…I want something stable. I want commitment. And Josh? He can give me both of those things."

"So you're never going to act on your feelings," Lanie sought to clarify.

"No. Absolutely not." Kate replied emphatically.

"What about the kiss?" Lanie asked.

"That was to maintain cover, and you know that!" Kate raised her voice defensively.

"Really," Lanie clicked her tongue, "So it didn't give you butterflies? It didn't make you want more?"

"Lanie," Kate groaned, trying to rub at her temples. "Can you please let this go? Please?" Kate sighed, "This is supposed to be a girl's night out. Now all it feels like is an interrogation."

"I'm sorry," Lanie apologized, "I'm just trying to make sure that this doesn't turn into a big problem. Castle…well, he nearly left the last time. And you both wound up getting hurt because you couldn't admit to how you feel."

"Lanie… I'm telling you that there is no way that I'm going to act on any impulses I have." Another lie. She was all about denying her feelings for him, but deep inside she knew. She knew her best friend was right. She wasn't in love with Josh. She was in love with Castle. And no matter how hard she tried not to be, she couldn't help it. Kate struggled, "It's just… We've been through a lot together Lanie. He…he understands me. He knows what I've been through, and what I go through on a daily basis. He's my partner. He's my friend…and I'm not going to stop seeing him just because you think I'm crossing a sort of boundary."

"Please just be careful, Kate," Lanie sighed. She would never admit it to her best friend, but she still found herself rooting for the two of them, Castle and Kate. As peculiar a couple as they would be, and as convinced, as Kate was that they would never work, Castle and Kate were perfectly matched in every sense of the word. They were equally passionate about what they did, and had a lot of the same interests. Lanie could understand Kate's fears about Castle's ability to commit, but at the same time, Lanie was convinced that Castle had grown up quite a bit since his last two failed marriages. She also knew that the man would lay down his life for her, and that was something that spoke for itself. No. She had no doubt that Castle would be able to commit to Kate and that he would never be unfaithful. "You may think that you're both sure of one another's intentions, but just because you think he doesn't have feelings for you doesn't mean that he doesn't." Then she added. "And just because you swear up and down you don't have feelings for him doesn't mean that you don't have feelings for him too."

"Kate?" Josh gently shook her as he tried to get her to look at him. "Katie?" Kate jumped as suddenly she blinked and she was back in the waiting room.

"Kate," Josh dropped down in front of her. "He's in surgery. He's alive. They got him back, and have stabilized him for now. They think the bullet missed his heart, but it… punctured his left lung. At this point, they're talking millimeters. He really lucked out, Kate."

"He's going to make it?" Kate's voice was weak as she looked Josh in the eyes. She knew he wouldn't lie to her.

"Barring any major complications, he has a chance," Josh replied. "Kate," he sighed, "I'm not going to lie. There's a chance that he might not make it. He lost a high volume of blood, nearly a third of it."

"When will we know?" Kate breathed; she looked down to her hands to find they were still shaking. Josh took them in his gently, trying to calm her. Her hands were sticky, with stale viscous blood.

"We won't," he replied honestly. "At least not until he's out of surgery. But we can give him pretty good odds if he makes it through the next twenty-four hours." Kate nodded as a fresh sob broke its way out of her throat. Josh watched her look down at their twined hands.

"Josh," Kate's voice was thick with regret as she pulled her hands away.

"Kate," Josh breathed softly, his eyes looking at her stained clothes. She still looked like she was in shock. "We should really get you cleaned up." Kate nodded. He pulled her up from the chair. Together, they walked slowly down the hall. She could feel everyone's eyes on her as she passed. He led her to the physician's locker room, which was empty most likely due to the fact that it was in the middle of the shift. He sat her down on the bench as he walked for his locker. Kate, still acting quite catatonic, just stared into the bleached white floors, listening to the locker rattle as Josh opened it. In another moment he was pulling out a spare pair of dark blue scrubs. He shut it and turned around. He pulled her up and led her into an adjacent room. Kate swallowed as she realized the room's purpose. It was a shower room.

"Josh…" the name caught in the back of Kate's throat.

"It's okay. No one will be in here. I'll even stand guard outside," Josh reassured her. "Kate, it'll make you feel better. It really will. I promise."

"You'll wait outside?" Kate's voice inflected slightly as she looked into Josh's sympathetic, soft brown eyes.

"Scout's honor," Josh replied quickly. Kate flinched noticeably. Josh's brow furrowed as he wondered if he'd said something wrong. He took a step forwards. "I'm sorry. Did I say something wrong?"

"No," the way Kate's voice broke under the word, spoke enough in itself. It was clear that something had upset her. "It's just…he…Castle always used to say that when I told him to stay in the car. Then…he'd show up inside and claim that he was never a boy scout. It's…It's just a stupid memory. I'm sorry."

"Kate," Josh cleared his throat. "You don't have to be sorry. I…I'm the one that's sorry." Kate nodded. "Before I forget, avoid using the second stall if you want any warm water. The faucet seems to be broken." Kate nodded, walking for the third stall. She set the scrubs Josh had given her on the stool outside, and walked in, pulling the curtain shut. Josh stayed where he was for a long moment, until he heard the creak of the pipes and was sure she had turned the water on.

Inside Kate stripped out of her clothes tossing them onto the floor at her feet. As much as she tried to keep it together, sobs wracked through her body. She held out her hands in front of her, watching as the water diluted the thick, sticky substance coating her hands. The water pouring into the drain was a deep red and Kate closed her eyes. She struggled not to see the place where it had happened. She never wanted to see it again. And yet, she knew it would haunt her for years to come. It was so much like her mother's murder. The blood had been everywhere. She'd thrown up the first time she'd viewed the crime scene photos from her mother's murder as a first year cop. Kate threw out her hand to hold herself up as another sob wracked through her body. She pushed herself under the scalding water of the faucet, hoping it would take away all the blood and the terrible memory of this day in particular. She reached over to the dispensers, and started cleaning herself until she was rubbing her skin raw. The water felt like tiny needles on her skin. She finally calmed herself a little as she started washing her hair. She opened her eyes, and stared at the wall in front of her, wondering if Castle was even still alive at that point. She squeezed her eyes shut again as she rinsed off one last time, and then cut the flow of the water.

She rung out her hair as an eerie silence took over the room around her. She wondered how far Josh had truly gone, and poked her head out the side of the curtain. It hadn't occurred to her up until this point that she would need a towel to dry off with. Much to her surprise, her eyes fell onto a crisp white towel neatly folded on the top of the scrubs. She was grateful to Josh for his kindness. She dried off methodically, drying her limbs first, and then her torso before finally ruffling her hair and drying her shoulders and back. She reached out and grabbed the scrub bottoms inside. She slipped them on first, followed by the scrub top. Her shoes were ruined.

She nearly laughed as she caught sight of the little footies lying under the stool. Josh had thought of everything. Kate pulled them on and walked out. She couldn't bring herself to touch her clothes, which despite being diluted by water, were still saturated with Castle's blood.

"Hey," Josh's voice had Kate jumping and turning around.

"You feel better?" he asked sheepishly.

"Much," Kate swallowed, averting her eyes. "Thank you." It wasn't that she was uncomfortable. Josh was being nothing less than amazing. It just felt awkward because she used to be intimate with the man standing in front of her. And he was being so wonderful to her even though he knew very well that it was Castle who had ripped them apart. "I umm…I left the clothes in the stall," Kate breathed feeling weak and embarrassed. "I just…I couldn't bring myself to touch them." Then she added. "I'm sorry." She walked to the nearest bench and sat down. He noticed that although she looked a little more put together, the look in her eyes was still there.

"No," Josh breathed, "Don't be sorry. I'll go grab them." She watched as he grabbed a biohazard bag and walked over to the stall. He stuffed her clothes into it and threw it into a special basket in the back of the locker room.

"Thank you," she barely whispered as he returned.

"Kate…" Josh sighed. "It's nothing. I hope you know that I would do anything for you. I still care about you."

"No," Kate said emphatically. "Don't shrug it off as being nothing. I mean it. Thank you. I…I would still be standing in the middle of the ER, looking like an idiot if it weren't for you."

"I don't blame you for feeling lost," Josh swallowed. "Kate, we all have our breaking points. Even those of us that deal with stuff like this on a daily basis have trouble with certain cases. It…It's a lot to take in. I mean…I nearly fainted the first time I saw a cadaver in med school." He shook his head. "To have someone you love hurt that badly… I can't even imagine what it would have been like if you had gotten hurt." Josh looked away as realized he was probably saying too much.

"I uh… checked on him while you were in the shower," Josh swallowed. "Kate, I have to be honest with you, it's really touch and go at this point." Kate nodded.

"Kate," Josh breathed. "I'm so sorry."

"I never even told him," Kate spoke with her head cradled in her hands. "Can you believe that? Another chance missed. He…He thinks that we are still together." Josh's brow furrowed.

"Why didn't you tell him?" Josh asked. "Kate," Josh sighed. "I mean…we broke up three weeks ago. And the last he knew…I was planning on proposing."

"He thought you were what!?" Kate looked slightly shocked.

"I didn't mean to...it kind of just came out," Josh said defensively, "If you want to blame anyone, blame Ryan and Esposito. They bailed out on us at the last minute, leaving us to suffer through one awkward minute after another."

Castle drew small circles around the top of his glass. He wondered how he found himself in this precarious situation. Somehow, getting drinks with the boys at the old haunt had turned into something entirely different. Esposito and Ryan had bailed out at the last minute, leaving Castle to suffer through one awkward pause after another with the man who stood between him and his one true love. Castle looked to Josh out of the corner of his eye, wishing more than anything that he could be somewhere else. He should have known better. This night was bound to turn out as a disaster.

"So…" they both spoke at the exact same time, trying to break the ice. Castle swallowed as he took a long sip of his beer. "How's life as a cardiologist?"

"Good," Josh replied, "How are things going at the precinct?" Castle tried not to look surprised.

"Kate hasn't told you?" Castle's brow furrowed.

"She has," Josh nodded, "Only I have a feeling that she omits some of the more gruesome parts. I mean…I didn't even know about the dirty bomb until I heard it from Esposito." He shook his head. "Kate can make it…"

"Difficult to get to know her," Castle finished for him. "Yeah. I know."

"Sometimes I wonder if she's ever going to let me in," Josh shrugged. "All I know is that I love her, you know? So…until she's ready I'm just going to try to be there for her in whatever capacity she needs."

"Despite any doubts you might have," Castle spoke honestly, "She really cares about you Josh. She does. I know it. It's in the ways her eyes light up when she talks to you on the phone."

"I've actually been thinking about proposing," Josh said quietly, "Only I'm not sure how to do it."

"Proposing," Castle repeated, "Wow… I uh…I hadn't realized that things were that serious."

"It's not like that," Josh said finally, "I just want her to know that I'm committed. Sometimes, I think she's afraid that she won't come first in my life. Perhaps, she even thinks that my job is more important to me than she is. But…I love her. I thought that staying here might prove that, only I think she's still waiting for the other shoe to drop. She's waiting for me to change my mind." Castle nodded.

"Josh, I think you should go for it." Castle spoke. "Really. I do."

"I just have no idea how I'm going to do it," Josh confessed.

"Well," Castle cleared his throat, "Do something intimate. You probably know by now that Kate doesn't like a fuss. In fact, she's made it clear she doesn't like the spotlight at all. You could propose at the precinct or take her to a baseball game. She's a big fan." Castle clapped his hands as a thought occurred to him. "Oh…Oh… Or you could do it here!" Rick's eyes lit up as his imagination got the best of him. "It would be perfect. You could turn it into something extremely romantic. Put a song on the old jukebox, scroll a classic movie on the big screen behind the bar. You two could have the whole place just to yourselves for a whole night."

"You'd do that?" Josh sounded surprised.

"Yeah," Castle replied quickly. "I mean why not? Kate is practically family to me, and I just want her to be happy. And you…you make her happy." Castle finally understood what true love meant...love meant that you care for another person's happiness more than your own, no matter how painful the choice you face might be . He was willing to step aside so long as he knew Kate was happy. And yet his heart still pulled him back and forth.

"Thanks man," Josh said, clapping him on the back. Castle merely nodded. He felt like he had a lump the size of a golf ball in his throat. Kate had once told him that she was a "one and done" kind of girl. What if this was it? What if he had truly missed his chance, and lost out on his chance at true love. Castle's phone started going off in his pocket, he pulled it out and looked at its face. Kate's number told him it was her calling. Discreetly, he hit the ignore button and slipped it back into his pocket. Somehow, in the back of his mind he felt guilty for how things had been lately. Kate and Castle had been going to dinner, movies after work. He blamed himself for disillusioning himself. Deep in his mind, he'd hoped that she might realize that he was a permanent fixture in her life, and that he wanted her. But she just didn't have feelings for him in that way. Now Castle felt guilty for even trying. He felt guilty for trying to get in the way of Kate and Josh's happiness.

"Well, I'm afraid I've got to go," Castle said as he stood up. "Alexis has got to wonder what is keeping me." He shifted his coat tight around his shoulders. "You coming?"

"Actually, I think I'm gonna stick around just a little longer," Josh nodded."I'm still hoping Kate might show. I left a message for her on her phone. I'm still trying to figure out why she hasn't called yet." Castle swallowed thickly. Hoping the guilt he was feeling in that moment didn't show in his expression or his body language.

"Alright," Castle replied as he turned to the bartender behind the bar. "Well, you take care of him, Sam. Give him anything he wants…on the house." Castle nodded, bidding the man goodbye as he stalked outside.

"I think that was the first wake up call," Josh breathed, "You know, when I asked him for advice and he gave it to me? I realized that he knew a hell of a lot more about you than I ever did." Kate let out a deep sigh and closed her eyes, thinking back to the afternoon Castle had brought up the topic. She'd already ended things with Josh at that point, but did a good job of concealing that fact. Emotions were still raw at that point. She was still wondering if she'd made the right choice.

"So," Castle cleared his throat as they drove through the city nearly a week after the night at the bar. The sun on his face felt warm. He draped his arm casually out the window, propping his elbow on the frame of the cruiser, while he drummed his fingers against the top of the window paneling. It was uncomfortably quiet. Kate had the air cranked up so the only sound going flooding the cabin was that of the air conditioning. He nearly groaned as they got stuck in New York City Traffic. He'd been avoiding her calls ever since that night at the bar and he was sure she knew it. It wasn't easy, holding all of his feelings inside. And frankly, the more he avoided her and her presence, the more painful it became. He loved Kate, but over the course of the last week he'd realized that he loved her enough to try and step aside. She was happy with Josh, or so Lanie had reassured him when he asked her for advice. Lanie had been bluntly honest with him when he paid her a visit. Lanie told him that Kate had said nothing about having feelings for him, and that it would probably be best for him to walk away this time before he could get hurt.

Castle heard a deep sigh as Kate shifted in her seat. He looked at her out of the corner of his eyes. She was gripping the steering wheel tightly and looked as if she were frustrated.

"So," she spoke as she expelled another deep breath, "What's up with you this week? You've been so quiet."

Castle was quick to answer. "Nothing." He swallowed. "I thought you'd like some peace and quiet after the month we've had."

"Well, I appreciate that except for the fact that now it's too quiet," Kate's stomach lurched as she thought about all of the times she'd called him and hadn't gotten a reply.

"Right," Castle breathed. "So what do you want me to do, Kate?" Castle decided to ask bluntly. He was tired of tip-toeing around Kate and her feelings. For once, he just wanted her to tell him what she wanted.

"I don't know," Kate shrugged with a non-committal expression. "Ask me a question."

"A question," Castle repeated lamely. "Okay... So…how do you feel about the notion of marriage?"

"As in…?" Kate looked over to him.

"As in… Have you thought about it? Do you consider it to be a possibility?"

"Who do you mean? Because I thought we covered this already, Castle," Kate joked, "I have no desire to marry you. Mainly, because I have no desire to get divorced, and I know that the alimony wouldn't be worth the torture I'd have to endure for however long it lasted." Castle flinched, trying not to let her words wound him too much. He swallowed. He could feel her eyes on him, and stared at the storefronts like his life depended on it. "I'm sorry. I was kind of joking. Was that too much?" Kate asked sheepishly.

"No," Castle lied, closing his eyes as he tried to calm himself. "I think that it's obvious by now that you want me… " A weak, fake smile plastered itself on his face as he added. "Frankly, I think it's only a matter of time before you jump me."

"Uh huh," Kate replied feeling a blush overtake her neck as very explicit images of her and Castle crossed her mind. She quickly shook her head, trying to not feel like an awful girlfriend. She'd told Lanie she was happy. Only…she wasn't. Not even close. There was a part of her that just wanted to know…needed to know what it felt like to be with Castle.

"So in all seriousness," Kate said, turning to look at him again. "Why are you asking?"

"Just curious," Castle replied. "It seems like you and Josh are getting pretty serious. I guess I was just wondering if you'd considered the possibility."

"Not at all," Kate replied honestly. "I mean…we've both been so busy lately that we've hardly seen one another."

"So if he asked you would tell him…"

"I would tell him it's too early," Kate replied honestly. There was no need to tell Castle that Josh had already tried asking that question, or that the evening had ended with their imminent break-up. "Gosh, my head and heart are really kind of messed up right now. Doctors are like a whole other breed, Castle. They work crazy hours, get calls at all hours of the night."

"Hmm," Castle teased, "You mean. He's like you?"

"Oh shush," Kate swatted his arm, "I may work crazy hours, but they're still nothing compared to the number of hours that man works in a single week. I mean… I know he tries to be there, but still, we hardly ever see eachother."

"I… I felt like I needed time to make sure that my heart was in the right place," Kate breathed. "How wrong is that? God, why didn't I just tell him when I had the chance?" Kate cried.

---

"Kate," Josh tried again. "Just try to stay calm. You're still in shock."

"I…I need to find Ryan and Espoito," Kate said as she stood up. Her face was blotchy from all of the tears she'd cried. "And A-Alexis and Martha."

"Okay," Josh breathed, "Then let's go." He held out his hand. Kate looked pointedly at his hand and kept her hands at her sides. If he was wounded by the rejection, his expression concealed it well. Instead, Kate beckoned for him to lead the way and started following him. Kate acted detached from everything and everyone around her as Josh led her back to the ER. He grabbed her a blanket and a coffee along the way. For some reason, she couldn't stop shaking.

"I'm sorry," she apologized as her shoulders kept shaking, while she was huddled in a chair in the middle of the emergency room.

"Kate," Josh just shook his head. "Stop apologizing. It's okay. Really. Just try to stay calm. Take nice deep breaths." She nodded, and did as she was told. She closed her eyes and tried to relax for a few minutes.

"Isn't that Ryan?" Josh's voice had her eyes opening and her head whipping towards the door. Her eyes confirmed what Josh had spoken aloud. Ryan was finally here.

Kate jumped up as several figures rushed into the ER. Two of them were Martha and Alexis, and the other was Kevin Ryan. Their eyes fell on Kate immediately. Kate let out a sob of her own as Alexis launched herself into Kate's arms. Tears were streaming down the girl's face.

"Is he going to be okay?" Alexis asked only a breath later.

"We're still waiting for the official word," Kate told her calmly. "Alexis, I am so sorry."

"I told him to be careful!" Alexis cried.

"It was my fault. He was protecting me. I'm so sorry," Kate apologized her heart heavy with guilt. They embraced again. Neither could let go.

"Kate?" Alexis spoke finally. "Are you okay?"

"I…I'm fine," Kate's voice quavered.

"Are you sure? You're shaking," Alexis looked worried. Kate took a step back and stumbled. Alexis had her steadied immediately. "Come on. Let's go sit down." Kate let Alexis lead her over to a chair, trying to get her to sit before she fainted. Alexis watched as a fresh wave of emotion overtook Kate and she was left sobbing all over again. Alexis just wrapped her arms around her. Martha sat down next to Kate and did the same.

"It's okay, sweetheart," Martha soothed, "Just let it all out." Kate hiccupped as she struggled to replace all of the air in her lungs. Her head ached from all of the crying and the inconsistent concentrations of oxygen that were reaching it..

"I'm just so sorry," Kate apologized. "If…If I had just done my job, none of this would have h-happened."

"Kate," Martha spoke softly, acting wise beyond her years. "It's not your fault. Richard simply did what he thought he needed to do."

"At what cost?" Kate asked. "God, if you lose your son because of me…" Kate couldn't hold back another sob.

"Hey…" Kate choked on a breath as Alexis buried her face in Kate's neck. "Kate," Alexis said slowly, "As… hard as it is for you to understand why he would do such a thing. We understand it, Kate. Look, my dad loves you. And…as much as it hurts right now, I…I'm glad he did what he did. It's just painful because he had to get hurt."

"He…He does?" Kate pulled back a little in order to look into Alexis stunning eyes. They were a crystal blue just like her father's. And for a moment she felt like she could have easily been looking into Castle's eyes. A fresh shiver shot up her spine.

"Kate," she squeezed Kate's hand. "I would think it would be obvious by now. Yes, my father loves you. More than I think he's ever loved anyone." Kate let out a broken laugh as she wiped tears from her eyes. It was happiness and pain mixed together in one.

"Man, I really don't think I've ever felt so pathetic in my entire life," Kate whispered.

"Oh, honey," Martha hugged Kate again.

"I don't deserve you guys," Kate breathed, "You're so amazing. Both of you."

Josh came rushing up. Kate hadn't even noticed his absence, over the last few minutes. "Good news. They um…they got the bullet out. It had passed through the superior lobe of the lung tissue and wedged itself in connective tissue. It avoided his heart and spinal cord altogether. They've given him a lot of blood, and his pressure has come back up a little bit." He took a deep breath. "They're just a little concerned because his blood isn't clotting as well as it should. And…he umm…He won't be able to breath on his own for a while."

"What does that mean?" Kate breathed.

"Just means we're going to have to keep a really close eye on him, that's all," Josh elaborated. "If you want, I can take you up to a private waiting room." Kate looked down at her hands to see that they were still shaking.

"Yeah," Esposito breathed. "I think a private waiting room would be good." Kate looked up to see a large crowd now filling the rather small space of the emergency room. Tears sprang to her eyes as she realized that nearly 50% of the 12th precinct was there, standing behind Esposito. They had all come for Castle. The thought made Kate's heart swell.

"Alright," Josh nodded. "I'll take you guys up." Kate nodded, watching numbly as a large group followed Josh and headed for the elevator. She wasn't ready to move just yet. She stayed where she was. Esposito, who hadn't gone anywhere, knelt down in front of her.

"Hey," Esposito breathed, "You okay?" Kate shook her head, wiping away more traitorous tears.

"Ryan and I wanted to apologize," Esposito looked deep into her eyes. "Kate, we should have had your back."

"We're sorry, Kate." Ryan punctuated.

"You couldn't have known," Kate replied, looking back into her partner's eyes. "Sito, there's no way. Everything just happened so fast." Kate swallowed, "I didn't even realize anything was wrong until Ryan said something."

"What happened?" Ryan asked softly.

"We were coming down the stairs," Kate said as she recalled the memory. "I was preoccupied by Davies. I didn't see Jackson pull a gun. Castle…He jumped over the turnstile, and he was tackling me to the ground before I even realized what was happening."

"I looked back," Kate, breathed, "I looked him right in the eye, Sito, and he told me to go. He told me he'd be right behind me." She sniffled. "I don't even think he knew he'd been hit yet."

"Kate, there's no way you could have known something was wrong," Ryan cut in.

"No?" Kate's inflected voice held her indignation. "He saved my life and I couldn't take one second to make sure that he was okay?"

"Kate," Esposito sighed, "You can beat yourself up about it all you want, but it won't make a difference." He took another breath, "And you know that he wouldn't want you to be doing this."

"I should have been there," Kate said, "From the beginning. By the time I found him he was already in shock and losing consciousness. I…I don't even know if he knew I was there. He…kept saying my name. And there was so much blood. God, so much…"

"Come on," he said, "Let's head upstairs. He'll want you to be at his side when he wakes."

Kate stayed through the night, crashing at some point when all of her fatigue caught up with her. All of the tears she shed over the course of the last eight hours, combined with the state of shock she was stuck in for an extended period, left her without any energy. She fell asleep, her head resting on Esposito's shoulder. They were still waiting on the official word, and were still waiting to find out if Castle made it out of surgery. Esposito, breathed shallowly, afraid to wake his partner.

"She going to be okay?" Ryan asked quietly, observing Kate's deceptively serene expression. Every so often a name would fall from her lips and break through the silence. She shifted slightly as she whispered Castle's name again.

"Hard to say," Esposito replied. "She blames herself for letting her guard down. I think that as long as Castle makes it out of this alive, she'll be fine." Ryan nodded, fidgeting as he leant forwards. He was sitting in a chair across from them.

"I feel guilty too," Ryan spoke softly. "We...We should have put on our vests, Bro. I mean...I get that it would have taken us an extra two minutes...but we should have done it. Especially given the circumstances..."

"Yeah," Esposito nodded. "You're right. We should have." He swallowed. "We made a bad choice. Getting those two men became more important than our own safety."

"I've thought about it, you know," he swallowed, "I've had dreams where you got hurt or Kate got hurt and I couldn't do anything. i think Castle's braver than I am."

"You wouldn't take a bullet for me?" Esposito's brows rose on his forehead as he stared into his partner's eyes.

"You're kidding me right?" Ryan asked. "I trust you with my life, bro. I hope that you'd do the same. I'd take a bullet for you without hesitation."

"No one else is getting shot," Kate's very stern but sleepy voice had them both jumping slightly. "Ever. You two understand me?" Kate looked into Ryan's eyes and leaned away before staring down Esposito."

"Yep." They both answered at the same time. She sighed as she stretched out a kink in her back.

"Ugh," Kate groaned, "You let me fall asleep in a hospital chair?"

"Hey," Esposito stared her down. "You needed it." Kate rubbed at her neck as she shifted again.

"We get any official word, yet?" Kate asked softly, through she knew that they would have woken her had anything major happened. Kate jumped as a man in light blue scrubs entered the room, followed closely by Josh. This time she could tell they had something concrete. Thankfully, Josh directed the man towards Kate, the boys, and Martha and Alexis. Martha woke Alexis as the man approached. Kate stood up, her expression anxious. She fidgeted, scarcely breathing as she waited.

"I'm looking for the family of Richard Rodgers?"

"That's us," Martha spoke as Alexis and Martha took their place at Kate's side.

"He made it out of surgery," the man swallowed, "There was a lot of internal damage to his left lung but we managed to stop the bleeding, and get him stabilized. We're moving him up to the ICU now."

"Is he going to be okay?" Alexis' voice filled the space around them.

"It's hard to say until he wakes up," the man hedged. "There was a short period before they managed to resuscitate Richard, and it's hard to say whether Richard's brain received enough oxygen during that period of time."

"You think he might have brain damage?" Kate's voice quavered. She was struck by the thought.

"As I said before," he looked uneasy, "We won't really know the extent of the damage until he wakes. But there are reasons to be optimistic. He seems to be demonstrating normal brain activity."

"H-How long do you think it will be until he wakes?" Montgomery's voice cut in as the man approached. Kate noticed that Montgomery looked as if he had aged several years. She expected that he had been doing a lot of damage control since the shooting.

"It's hard to say. It could be anywhere from 10 hours to 48," he locked eyes with Kate. "If he makes it past the 24 hour mark we can give him better odds."

"Odds," Kate repeated. "I thought you said he was doing well."

"He is," the man replied quickly. "But he lost a lot of blood. In any case of severe trauma there's always a chance that he might not fully recover. I just want you to prepare yourselves for that possibility." He paused again. "For now, we will remain optimistic."

"Can we see him?" Alexis spoke, her eyes shimmering with unshed tears.

"Of course," he replied. "He's up in the ICU. Unfortunately, at this point he's still on oxygen and is sedated. The sedation is meant to help with the pain." Heads bobbed up and down in the small group. No one wanted Castle to be in pain. "At this point, it would probably be best that only a couple see him at the same time." Kate nodded and swallowed. "I'll take you up to see him." Kate held her emotions back. Martha looked to her. Alexis had already stepped forwards ready to see her father.

"Kate?" the young girl's voice remained composed.

"You guys go," Kate's voice cracked. "He's your son...your father."

"He'd want to see you," Martha stressed.

"I'll see him," Kate replied. "But you should see him first."

"Okay, dear," Martha gave Kate a hug before she and Alexis disappeared. Kate walked back to a chair and sank down. She didn't realize she was crying until Esposito's strong arms wrapped around her. He kissed the top of her head.

"You know that you're like a sister to me," he whispered.

"Yeah," Kate swallowed, "I know." She took a deep staggered breath. "Thank you."

"Anything for you, girl," Esposito replied. "You okay?"

"Y-Yeah," Kate hiccuped, "The truth is, I'm not sure I'm ready to see him just yet."

"Kate," Esposito sighed gently.

"It's my fault. He's like that because of me," Kate's voice broke. "I love him, and it took a bullet for me to tell him that."

"Katie," Ryan's voice was soft. "You can't continue to blame yourself. He's going to make it. Just promise me that you won't wait another three years to tell him how you feel." A sob broke out of the back of her throat and she nodded. It took a short amount of time for her to calm down.

Another couple hours passed before she ultimately decided to face her own demons and headed towards the ICU. She paused outside of his room, her breath catching in her throat. The blinds were open, giving her a first glimpse of Castle. He looked so pale, and so many tubes and wires were running to and from his body. It took hew another few minutes before she could ultimately muster up enough strength and courage to enter the room. Her legs felt unsteady beneath her. She sat down, in the chair next to the right side of his bed and held his hand. It felt so cliched, but it was all she had to give. Before she knew it, she was talking to him. She was talking about everything and anything. She told Castle all of the funny childhood stories that she remembered. She wanted him to know that she was ready to let him in. She told him that she loved him, and she begged him to come back to her. She begged him to be himself when he woke. Time passed quickly. Before she knew it, another 12 hours had ticked by. Josh gave them access to the on call room on the floor so that they could doze intermittently. It was clear that Kate, Alexis, and Martha did not want to leave his bedside until he woke. As time passed they became more anxious. Kate wanted him to be okay more than anything.

The lights were dimmed but Alexis was reading her physics book. Kate expected the girl was trying to keep her mind off of the given situation. What better a distraction to have than a constant stream of equations to explain motion in every definition of the word. There was probably even an equation in the monstrous book that corresponded to the conservation of momentum that takes place when a bullet leaves the chamber of a handgun and enters something else. A shiver worked its way up Kate's spine at the thought.

She looked up as a doctor walked into the room. Castle was still on oxygen, but no longer intubated. A chest tube ran into his left lung, to aid his breathing in the mean time, oxygen under his nose aided him in breathing pure oxygen. She watched his chest move up and down in a somewhat steady rhythm. Every once and a while his breathing would hitch a little and she would hold her own breath as she waited for one of the monitors to go off. Only, it never did.

Her eyes grew heavy as more seemingly endless time ticked by. She tried to work on some reports. One would have to be filed in response to a consultant getting injured while in her presence. Alexis got up to get something to get something from the vending machines. Kate could only figure that the girl must be exhausted, but some agreement seemed to be reached by all of them. None of them were going to leave Castle's side until he woke. There was still some question as to whether adequate blood flow reached Castle's brain during the minutes of unconciousness, due to the severe blood loss and the decrease in blood pressure. Oxygenated blood is considered vital to all tissues, hypoxia, or inadequate oxygen flow to tissues causes cell death.

Kate's heart threatened to jump out of her chest as Castle mumbled something as he shifted restlessly. Suddenly everyone's eyes were on Castle. A groan escaped from his lips as they parted again. Kate jumped up from her chair and was across the room at his side in the fraction of a second.

"Dad?" Alexis was the first to speak, she brushed her fingers along the inside skin of her Dad's forearm. Kate looked on impatiently at the interaction. She jumped again as she noticed Castle's forefinger twitch.

"Did you see that?' Kate asked excitably. She reached out to squeeze Castle's knee. "Castle? Can you hear me?" Castle's head rolled slightly on the pillow. Castle's left torso was covered completely with thick bandages and his arm was immobilized. So unfortunately she could not grab his hand. They all jumped again when Castle mumbled something under his breath.

"Dad," Alexis announced, "Can you hear me? Are you awake? It's Alexis. I'm here." A beat. "I just want you to know that I love you" Castle mumbled something that could not be discerned. "I…I'm sorry. I can't make out what it is you're saying."

"I love you too, pumpkin," Castle managed to rasp out weakly as his eyes flickered open.

"Oh thank god," Kate breathed, as relief washed over her. Seeing his eyes and hearing his voice was amazing.

"I was also trying to say that I'm never shooting another main character in any one of my books," Castle grunted. "Why did no one ever tell me how much it hurts?"

"That's why you are supposed to avoid getting shot, Castle," Kate replied sarcastically. She swallowed as she met his eyes. Seeing them again was extremely comforting. He looked like he had some of his strength back. His gaze was as soft and warm as she remembered. "How are you doing, partner?"

"Pretty good considering," Castle replied honestly, "The morphine is serving its purpose well." He swallowed, closing his eyes for a long moment. He was still so tired and felt so weak. He opened them again, wanting to cling to consciousness with everything he had.

"You know," Kate sighed, "I really wish I knew what you had been thinking."

"You do?" Castle asked.

"Mmhmm," Kate replied just as honestly.

"Okay, well I was thinking that I jumped over a turnstile and subsequently got shot," Castle said finally, "And then I was kind of wondering whether it was karma, or if it was just a really unfortunate coincidence." It was his best shot at lightening the mood. Unfortunately it did little to take away from the seriousness of the situation. He had come within a hair's breath of dying. And was lucky he was even conscious right now. The doctors had told Kate, Martha, and Alexis that it could be 48 hours before he showed any signs of life. Here they were, eighteen hours after the surgery and he was already up and talking. It felt like a miracle.

"Dad…" the weight of emotion in the young girl's voice had him pulling her in for an embrace. For a while, Kate wasn't entirely sure that Castle would ever let the young girl go.

"Alexis," he said earnestly from the hear, "I'm so sorry if I scared you. I never meant for anything bad to happen."

"Dad, scare doesn't even begin to cover it," Alexis started to cry. "You promised to stick around, remember? You have to always be around in order to scare off my boyfriends with decapitated heads, before you ultimately settle for one and walk me down the aisle. You…can't do stuff like this to me. Three close calls in two months… It's too much."

"I…I know," Castle wheezed, "I'm sorry. Forgive me?"

"I will," Alexis replied, "God, I'm so glad you're okay." Tears slipped down Alexis' cheek and like any father would, Castle reached up to try and wipe them away.

"Me too," he swallowed. His eyes briefly flickered over to Kate's. "How long have I been out."

"About eighteen hours," Kate answered truthfully.

"Did you get them?" his eyes made it clear who he was asking about. His memory appeared to be in tact.

"Yes," Kate breathed. "We got them. They'll never see the light of day again."

"Good," Castle rasped. "That's good."

"Hey Dad, I'm going to leave now, now that I know you're okay," Alexis whispered into his ear as she kissed him on the cheek. Her voice grew quiet as she spoke the last part, "And you are finally going to stop beating around your feelings and tell Kate how you feel. I would stay but I really need to get some actual sleep before my A.P. Western Civilization exam tomorrow morning."

"But…"

"There are no buts allowed, Dad," Alexis said emphatically. "You took a bullet for her. I think you can man up enough to tell her about your feelings. Now, Grams is going to take me home. I'll be back tomorrow morning, depending on whether I can weasel out of school. I figure that I'm leaving you in capable hands."

"I'll take care of him," Kate promised after only hearing the last part of the exchange. Alexis nodded. She kissed her father on the cheek one more time before departing. Kate's eyes flickered from the door back to Castle.

"So…I guess it's just you and me now?" Castle's voice inflected slightly. As soon as they were alone, Kate reached around the back of his head and smacked him slightly.

"Oww," Castle whined, "What the heck was that for…?" The words were hardly past his lips before Kate was crashing her lips against his. And as much as he tried not to enjoy it he couldn't help but kiss her back with everything he had. Castle moaned as he reached over with his right arm, pulling her harder against him. Finally, Kate released him.

"First of all," Kate panted, "That was for being an ass." Kate's eyes flashed as her emotions swelled up inside of her. "You could have gotten yourself killed. Do you realize that?" She took a breath. "And secondly, that was because I wanted to kiss you."

"Did you now?" Castle's brow wriggled playfully.

"Oh shut up," she said, tempted to hit him again.

"In all seriousness, Kate, if you think that I was just going to stand back and let you get shot," Castle said thickly, "Then you are sorely mistaken." Castle's expression was completely readable as he continued. "What gives you more of a right to get shot, then I do?" He asked accusingly.

"Because I'm the one that signed up for the job and the dangers come up with it, Castle," Kate's voice boomed through the small room. "Me! Not you!"

"Kate," Castle's voice was suddenly apologetic. "Look, I…I couldn't stop myself. I…" Castle wanted to tell her so badly. He wanted to just pour his heart out. He wanted her to take it. It was already hers anyways. "I can't explain why…"

"Yes you can," Kate said slowly. "It's because you were compelled. Your heart made you do it… You pushed me out of the way because you couldn't bear the thought of me getting hurt. You decided that a bullet would hurt less than me getting hurt or losing me."

"You have a life, Castle. Did you ever once think about how I would feel? Or how you'd be leaving Alexis without a father, Martha a son. And God, if I had lost you…?" Kate's voice quavered. "You have no idea what would have happened to me. I…I already can't bear the sight of blood. I don't know how I'm supposed to go back to work and be okay."

"I just had to protect you. Lanie told me that you thought that you were…" Castle squeezed his eyes shut, mumbling the last part.

"S-She didn't," Kate's voice shook. "She did not tell you that. I…I swear that if she did, I'll kill her."

"Kate," Castle's eyes shot open. "It-It doesn't matter. I…I understand that it's probably not the way you wanted me to find out about it, but it's good that I knew."

"C-Castle," Kate's confused expression looked strained as she cut him off, "What the hell are you talking about?"

"She told me you thought you might be pregnant," Castle said meeting her eyes. As soon as the words were spoken aloud, Kate blanched and nearly passed out. She reached out to grab the railing of Castle's bed. "I promised her that I would make sure nothing happened…"

"I cannot believe that she did that," Kate breathed. "C-Castle. I…I'm not. I'm not pregnant. I…I had a scare, but that was it. I was a couple weeks late and it freaked me out a little bit is all. I….I never expected that she would ever tell you something like that." Kate struggled to calm herself as she took a deep breath.

"It doesn't matter, baby or no baby," Castle confessed, "I would have done the same thing either way. Kate, I care about you."

"Hey. So, if it wasn't that…" Castle's brow furrowed, "What is it that you thought she told me?" Kate let out a deep sigh, forcing herself to meet his eyes.

"Castle," Kate took another deep breath, "I…I broke up with Josh three weeks ago."

"What?" the shock and confusion on Castle's face told her all she had to know. The man had truly no idea about any of it.

"I broke up with Josh," Kate repeated very slowly for emphasis.

"No…I got that much," Castle replied quickly. "What I don't understand is why. I thought you two were really happy together…"

"Because I…I realized I had feelings for someone else," Kate breathed slowly. God, why couldn't she just spit it out? She needed to just say the words and get them out into the open. Castle, I love you. But every time she tried to say the words they stuck in the back of my throat. "Man, why does this have to be so difficult?"

"I'm sorry? I don't know if it's the morphine or what, but I'm kind of confused." Castle's brow furrowed. "Kate, who is it that you have feelings for?"

"Really, Castle?" Kate asked in a rebuttal, "I mean really? You seriously have no idea? I'll give you a clue, Castle. They're in this room."

"Where?" Castle's eyes suddenly twinkled with bemusement as he looked around, "Cause from where I'm sitting, it looks like there's no one else in here."

"God, I want to kill you," Kate shot back. Castle nearly laughed at the usual look of frustration on her features. It seemed that he was really good at pissing her off. "I…I'm trying to tell you I love you, you idiot," Kate breathed. "And I was trying to tell you that before you passed out at the station. You nearly scared me to death in the ambulance, Castle. I kept trying to tell you that I was in love with you, and you couldn't hear me."

"You-you what?" Castle suddenly looked Kate straight in the eyes. He had been joking before, but this was no laughing matter. Kate just told him she had feelings for him. He pinched himself to make sure that he wasn't dreaming. "So you're being completely serious? You're not just messing with me?"

"Do you really think that I'm that cruel? Do you really think that I would mess with you in that way after what you did for me today?" Kate asked. "The fact is, that I broke up with him a few weeks ago." Kate explained. "The only reason I didn't tell you right away, was because I…I wanted to make sure that I didn't rush into things with you. I….I kept trying to tell you, but then you kept asking how he was and I…I couldn't bring myself to tell you." She took a deep breath. "By the time I was ready to tell you, you were already ignoring my calls and I figured you were angry with me or that I had done something wrong."

"You hadn't," Castle reassured her. "I was just trying to keep my distance. I didn't want to take away from your happiness. That's really all I've ever wanted…is for you to be happy. "Kate," Castle breathed. "I…I really wish you had told me. I mean… Those two things are kind of important."

"I…know that…" Kate looked extremely flustered. "Look, I…I'm not exactly good at this, okay?" She held Castle's eyes. "I'm not good at sharing my feelings. I…I don't mean to be so difficult…it's just who I am."

"I know," Castle smiled good-naturedly. "And as much as it's gotten in the way, I think it's safe to say that it's one of the reasons I fell for you in the first place." Kate nearly choked on the air in her lungs. She just stared at him for a long moment. "Kate?" Kate shook her head, as she suddenly realized he'd spoken her name more than once.

"Yeah?" Kate's voice sounded breathless. "You think you can come a little closer so I can get my kiss now?"

"Depends," Kate's lips turned upwards in a smile, "What do I get?"

"What? Was taking a bullet for you not enough to earn me a kiss?" Castle asked sarcastically.

"You forget," Kate wriggled her eyebrows, "I already kissed you. Once."

"You're so mean," Castle fake pouted. However, before he could sulk too much Kate had leaned over, and was currently pulling him into a deep, lingering kiss, during which she thoroughly explored his mouth and sucked much of the air from his right lung. When she pulled away, she licked her lips as her eyes held with Castle. Before much pause, Castle was pulling her in for a second, this time he was the one in charge. Kate moaned into his mouth as his right hand slipped up behind her neck. When she pulled away a second time her chest was heaving.

"Wow…" Kate breathed quietly.

"I know right?" Castle reciprocated.

"So…" Kate spoke softly ruffling his hair slightly as she brushed her forehead against his, "Was it worth it?"

"Was what worth it?" Castle asked just as lightly.

"The kiss for the bullet," Kate specified.

"You have no idea. Kate," Castle shook his head lightly. "Just for the record? You're worth the entire world. I would do anything for you if I could."

"I mean it you know," She breathed as she kissed him softly again. "I love you." Then she added. "I want to be with you." She swallowed. "But I need you to promise me something…"

"What?" Castle breathed softly.

"Never ever do that to me again. Because I don't think I'll live through that a second time. I can't lose you. You mean too much to me." Kate said earnestly. "Castle, please."

"I can promise to try," Castle replied. "But I'll be honest with you Kate. If something happens, or if you're ever in danger? I'm going to try and protect you every time. Because I love you and that's just the way things are." He swallowed. "I should probably add that…I love you too."

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