Title: Life After
Author's Note: post-ep to 'Lauren', but everything up to 'Hanley Waters' is fair game.
Disclaimer: Not mine
Chapter 1-Reid
It horrifies him.
He should have known.
He should have seen.
It horrifies him that it took him so long to figure it out, put it together. It was all right there in front of him-the mysterious phone call, her distance for the last month, the bitten fingernails, her skittishness during the case. He was supposed to be a genius and he hadn't figured it out.
Not until it was too late.
He'd been so wrapped up in what was going on with him, so worried about his stupid headaches, he hadn't notice they were losing her.
Until she was gone.
His last real conversation with her had started out about her, but had ended up being about him. Here she was in a secret battle for her life, and she was honestly, genuinely concerned about him. Maybe if he hadn't been so busy dumping his problems on her, he would have realized she was fading away. Maybe he could have saved her. As it was, he never even got to say good-bye.
Soon after she arrived on their team, he had been abducted by Tobias Hankel, and had spiraled into addiction. She had been the easiest target to lash out at, the person he knew the least, the one he had the least connection with. And she had taken it. She had never lashed back, but instead remained steadfastly and resolutely concerned about him. While everyone else pretended not to notice, she wouldn't let him forget that someone did notice, and that she cared.
He never thanked her; she never expected him to.
He never apologized; she never would have asked him to.
At Liberty Ranch, she never hesitated; she told Cyrus what he wanted to hear, beat him to the punch so he wouldn't have to betray himself. While he stood there not knowing what to do, too afraid to admit who he was, she took it upon herself to save him. And afterwards, when she was the one all black and blue and bruised, she was the one concerned about him.
They became friends, but it was because of her. Because she never got mad at him or offended by him; because she knew when it was okay to joke with him and when it was time to back off; because she was fiercely protective of him when he had given her no reason to be and was just as loyal to him when he gave her every reason not to be. He misses her more than he thought it was possible to miss someone. In many ways, she was the team member most like him-geeky, but not as quite as much as he was; she didn't have his vast knowledge of random facts, but her skill at languages was incredible. She understood him in a way he thinks the rest of the team never has; in a way he thinks maybe no one else ever has.
She was the one he was closest to on the team, the one person who had always looked out for him; and the one time she needed him, he failed her. It isn't fair that she's gone, because she shouldn't be. He should have seen it long before he did; he should have looked out for her the way she always looked out for him. But he didn't and now it's too late, for so many things.
He'll never be able to thank her, and he'll never be able to apologize. He'll never be able to say good-bye.
He thinks he's going to be sick.