I'd just like to say that I do not own any of the characters, worlds, techniques, t-shirts, memorabilia, or anything else in this story except for Mary-Sue Perfectson and The Author, who is based on myself. I wrote this story as a free-write when I was bored; therefore, don't judge it too harshly. Also, this is my first submission to this site, so please go easy on me. Above all, I hope you have as much fun reading this as I had writing it.
The Death of Mary-Sue
There once was a teenager named Mary-Sue Perfectsen. She had long blonde hair and beautiful blue eyes. She had abusive parents and every male, regardless of age and marital status, was attracted to her. She had loads of money that seemed to just fall at her feet. However, she was never happy. She had read the entire Lord of the Rings series and seen every movie. She convinced herself that the only way that she would be happy was to be a Middle-Earther herself. So, using her mighty IQ of 4,000 (did I mention that she was a genius?), she began to work on a machine that would teleport her into Middle-Earth. When the machine was done twenty minutes later, she put on her skimpiest clothes and went to Middle-Earth to get some of that coveted adventurer love.
Upon arriving in Middle-Earth by falling from the sky into Rivendell, she was greeted by Elrond as if she were an old friend. "Greetings, Mary-Sue," he said warmly, embracing her like a long-lost daughter, "I trust you are well." "I am, Lord Elrond," replied Mary-Sue, flashing a smile so white that it blinded half of the people in the immediate vicinity. "I was hoping you could tell me where the Fellowship is. I need to…erm…'speak' to them." "Right this way," replied Elrond, showing her to the rooms in which the members of the Fellowship were staying. "Which one will I see first?" Mary-Sue thought excitedly. She decided that she would go straight for the big fish first: Legolas. Not caring to knock, she opened the door leading to his room.
Legolas's room was beautiful, with a huge bed-perfect for lovemaking. She found the Elven prince with his shirt off, looking towards the door as if he had been expecting her. "Many days have I longed for you, Mary-Sue," the Elf said in a quiet tone. "As have I, my prince," the dumba-I mean, uh, teenager replied. "I can stand it no longer. I must have you!" With that, Mary-Sue flung her arms around Legolas and kissed him. However, as soon as their lips met, Legolas recoiled back, as though something was wrong. "Hey! What the hell's wrong with you? We should be gettin' it on by now!" Mary-Sue shouted at the prince, who was writhing on the floor and twitching slightly. When he had stopped moving, Mary-Sue poked him a few times to make sure he was alive. Legolas, responding to the prodding, rolled over. It was then that Mary-Sue saw what had happened: Legolas, the once-handsome prince of Mirkwood, had become Brian Peppers. Mary-Sue screamed in fright and ran out of the room with the deformed prince chasing after her for ruining his chances of even getting a blind girlfriend.
Mary-Sue, with Legolas Peppers (C WUT I DID THAR?) hot on her trail, ran into Aragorn's room. "He's not Legolas," she thought, "but he's still pretty good." "Mary-Sue!" Aragorn shouted, startled at her sudden presence. "I was wondering when I would get to see you." "Here I am, big boy," Mary-Sue teased, "come and get me!" "With pleasure," replied the ranger. The two kissed for about a half-hour, with Legolas Peppers pounding on the door and screaming obscenities at Mary-Sue all the while. However, when Mary-Sue and Aragorn were about to go even further, a strange beam of light came through the roof and hit Aragorn. He jerked and twitched violently, rolling onto the floor. "Dammit," Mary-Sue said, "not this again!" When the beam retracted, Aragorn sprang back up, but now he was wearing a kilt and tunic and had flaming red hair, as well as a mustache and beard of the same color. "The blancmanges! They've turned him into a Scotsman!" (No offense Scottish people, this was just meant to be a little joke.) Mary-Sue ran from the room screaming, this time with Scotsman Aragorn and Legolas Peppers chasing her.
Next, she ran into Gimli's room. "Oh crap," Mary-Sue groaned. "Let's get to it, lass!" Gimli shouted, ripping off his clothing. "Not if you were the last man in Middle-Earth!" shouted Mary-Sue, tearing out of the room. The group chasing Mary-Sue now consisted of three people wanting revenge against Mary-Sue: Scotsman Aragorn, Legolas Peppers, and Gimli.
Lastly, she burst into the room of the four Hobbits. Merry, Pippin, Frodo, and Sam seemed to be performing a strange ritual in the room that they shared, involving the torture and sacrifice of small animals before a statue of what appeared to be a giant birdman. They rubbed the blood, entrails, and feces of the animals upon the statue while reciting evil-sounding chants. When Mary-Sue burst in, the four wheeled about. "The girl has seen our secrets!" shouted Frodo. "Kill her! Sacrifice her to the statue!" cried Sam. The four then began to chase her with their sacrificial daggers drawn. Mary-Sue bolted from the room and out of Rivendell altogether.
Mary-Sue had been on the track team in her High School, and she was even able to outrun Usain Bolt by a good three seconds. However, the seven men behind her were so hell bent on revenge that she wasn't able to outrun them. Miles and miles she ran, and she could only manage to stay a few steps ahead of them. As night fell, however, Mary-Sue's pursuers stopped in their tracks and knelt. Looking over her shoulder to see why they had stopped, Mary-Sue saw a blinding light out of the corner of her eye. Looking ahead once more, she saw the outline of a man in the center of a sphere of light on a rock in front of her. Could it be Gandalf when he returned as Gandalf the White? The figure stepped from the sphere of light as Mary-Sue's jaw dropped.
The figure in the sphere was not Gandalf; rather, it was a young man with a big nose, glasses, and a ponytail wearing a Pink Floyd t-shirt, blue jeans, and sneakers. "Who the hell are you?" Mary-Sue demanded of the young man. "I'm Gandalf the fucking White. All us wizards have ponytails and love Pink Floyd, dumbass," replied the young man sarcastically. Mary-Sue looked at him with disgust. "I'd never date a nerd like you, even if you WERE a wizard," she said coldly. "What the fuck happened to that IQ of 4,000 that I gave you? I'm not REALLY Gandalf, nubcake. Learn some sarcasm. I'm the author of this story," the young man replied with a look of disgust. "Look, I gave you those good looks, high IQ, athletic skill, and abusive parents for a reason: so you'd do good on Earth, not harass the fine people of the Fellowship! There's only one way to fix my mistake. I have to kill you, Mary-Sue."
"Really? And how, pray tell, are you going to do that?"
"Don't make me angry, Mary-Sue. I put you into this world, and I can take you out of it. If I were you, I'd be begging for mercy right about now."
"I'm shaking. What're you going to do to me? Hit me over the head with your air guitar?"
"This is your final warning, Mary-Sue. I both can and will kill you."
"DO it. I dare you." With this, Mary-Sue flicked The Author's huge schnoz. "Bring it on, big-nose."
"That's it! I warned you, but you just can't take 'no' for an answer, can you? Time to die, Mary-Sue!"
The Author reached out in front of him and grabbed two points in the air. He stretched his hands apart until a small tear appeared between them. He kept pulling and stretching until the tear became a huge, sucking hole. The hole swallowed the screaming Mary-Sue whole, and only when the last strand of her blonde hair was through the hole did The Author close it.
The Author sighed. Tearing dimensional rifts into the Realm of Eternal Torment wasn't easy. "Come, my friends, and I shall cure you," the author called to the seven who had chased Mary-Sue. "Legolas, my friend," said the author, waving his hand over Legolas's disfigured face, "you are cursed no more!" With that, Legolas looked like his old self again.
Moving on to Aragorn, The Author did the same thing. In the blink of an eye, Aragorn was his normal self again.
The author skipped Gimli, since there was nothing wrong with him, but called all four of the Hobbits over to his side. "You little bastards are too sick to be left alive. What the hell were you thinking? You sick fucks are going along with Mary-Sue. May God have mercy on your fucked-up souls!" cried The Author, tearing open another portal.
Only after teleporting Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli, and himself back to Rivendell did The Author realize his mistake. "My friends," he wailed, "I've just realized! Tearing holes into other dimensions, curing people of their maladies, teleportation-I have become the very thing I set out to destroy! I've become a Mary-Sue!" The Author collapsed and pounded his fist on the floor. "Dammit!" he shouted. "All that effort wasted!" The Author turned to Aragorn. "Aragorn. Your sword," The Author said with a grim look on his face. Aragorn, against his better judgment, handed The Author his sword. The Author committed hara-kiri, which was a bad idea on his part, for without an author, a fanfic cannot exist.
All the inhabitants of Middle-Earth watched in terror for a split second as the Middle-Earth of this fanfic imploded.
In the end, however, who really won-Mary-Sue, or her creator?