A/N: Sorry but the plot bunnies have been listening to my mp3 player again. Just a short one shot set in the grave yard in Swan Song after... well, you know. *Spoilers* R&R always welcome and appreciated!
Disclaimer: Don't own the boys or the song. The boys belong to Kripke and the song belongs to Phil Collins and Genesis.
Since I Lost You
Genesis
CD: We Can't Dance
It seems in a moment, your whole world can shatter
like morning dreams they just disappear
like dust in your hand falling to the floor
how can life ever be the same
cos my heart is broken in pieces
yes my heart is broken in pieces
since you've been gone
I know we talked about this. I know we agreed. I know it was supposed to end this way. I know all of these things but it doesn't make this any easier. I never really believed that you would be gone…forever. But, in that one moment, I saw eternity. I saw the surrender in your eyes and I knew…
In that one moment my whole life changed. Everything I have ever done in this life was for you. Every breath I've taken was to make sure you lived to take your next. Every tear I've ever shed was for you…including the ones that are falling now… I don't know how to leave this place, to leave you…to pick up and move on as you wanted…as I promised.
It's all too easy to take so much for granted
oh but it's so hard to find the words to say
like a castle in the sand the water takes away
but how can life ever be the same
cos my heart is broken in pieces
yes my heart is broken in pieces
since I've lost you
This wasn't how it was supposed to go you know. You weren't supposed to have to do this...say yes. You were supposed to be safe, protected…that was my job. Why didn't you let me do my job? What's my job now? I never thought ahead to a time when you wouldn't need me there to take care of you. I never imagined…I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do now.
I know you know…everything… Everything I wanted to say…everything I never said. It wasn't our way to find the words. It was our way to just be. Together. Family. Brothers. Forever…but not forever…not anymore. It wasn't our way and I'll always regret that I didn't make it our way…that I didn't tell you, every day…how much you meant to me…how much I loved you…I needed you.
oh now you'll never see
oh you'll never know
all the things I planned for you
things for you and me
I can't believe you won't be here. There are still so many things I thought we would get to do. So many experiences that I thought you would have the time to enjoy. There's a list in my pocket. A list I've been making since I got back. Things I wanted us to do…together. Things we never had time to do. Every single thing I ever heard you wish for…
You won't let me come after you. I promised. I never broke a promise to you. So now…this list is pointless. It's just a reminder of what could have been. What should have been. What will never be. It's just a list of regrets and broken dreams. My regrets…your dreams…everything shattered when you left me.
Held your hand so tightly
that I couldn't let it go
Now how can life ever be the same
cos my heart is broken in pieces
yes my heart is broken in pieces
since you've been gone
I'm sorry I never let you grow up. I'm sorry I never let you stand on your own. I couldn't. You were all I had left and I wasn't about to let you fall. You didn't need me to take care of you. You haven't…not for a long time. I know that. But…I couldn't admit that…couldn't let you go. I was so afraid of losing you, losing me…what am I without you?
I'm sorry that I let you grow up. I'm sorry that I picked now to let you make a stand. I shouldn't have. You were all I had left and I let you fall…alone… You needed me to be there for you so I stayed by your side and watched…for the last time. Now I'm the one who's alone. Who am I without you?
cos my heart is broken in pieces
yes my heart is broken in pieces
since I've lost you
cos my heart is broken in pieces
yes my heart is broken in pieces
since you've been gone
It's only your strength that is going to push me on. Your promise that will move me from your side. Your faith that all of…this…is worth it. I still don't know if I believe. It's asking an awful lot of me. I've spent so long knowing that we were alone in this. So long knowing that the only thing holding back the darkness was us…
But, right now, I want to believe. I need to believe. So, for you, I'm saying this prayer: Please God, if you can hear me, I've never asked you for anything before. I'm asking you now. But not for me…for him. Please…if you ever cared about this world then care now about the one person who had the courage to do what you wouldn't… Please God…help him find peace.
I'll see you again Sammy…I promise…