So, I figured that writing four stories at one time wasn't enough, so I've started a new story. The reason for this is that while struggling with serious health issues I decided I needed a less serious, angsty story - and this popped into my mind.

The reason for the title will quickly become apparent as this story is based on hundreds of others - including my own. It is rife with cliche's and old plots, but hopefully I will add something new and different. If you want me to continue, please review. I do promise to stay on my other stories - I will complete them! I just needed something light.

Hope you enjoy ...

It was a cliché of the worst sort and there was nothing Jack hated more than clichés. Of course this one was to have more affect on him than just to irritate him – this cliché was going to change his life.

It had started simply. He and the rest of Sg1 were sent to a boring planet to do the usual "check for weapons, check for nacquada, check for ruins, check for aliens, check for Jaffa, check for overdressed Goa'uld". Yup – check, check, check and then back home to watch a game or the Simpsons, to order pizza and drink beer and go to bed alone and get up the next day and do it all over again.

It showed a remarkable lack of gratitude, Jack realized, that he'd begun to grow bored with travelling to distant planets. Of course it wasn't always boring – the boredom was interspersed with running for their lives, fighting megalomaniacal aliens, a bit of torture thrown in now and then, and having to save the world. Those things weren't boring but mostly he could do without them.

What he did want, exactly, he didn't know. His life had turned out better than he thought it would a few years ago, after he'd lost –. But still, life was pretty good. He had job security – unless he got blown up, shot or zatted three times – he had good friends, his health and – he could go to other planets. It was all good – so why he'd been feeling so angsty he didn't know.

But then they'd gone to planet X3B-o-RNG and suddenly life had – changed. It was something he hadn't expected - wouldn't have imagined in a million years - and he didn't know what to do about it.

They'd arrived on the planet as usual, he'd checked the perimeter, waited for Daniel to get his gear in order, teased Carter and nodded at Teal'c. Shortly thereafter they were walking down a rough trail – probably made by animals, not by people, and, as yet, hadn't seen anything of interest. There were trees – there were always trees – but nothing in, on, above or under those trees that interested him – or any of his teammates.

Daniel hadn't seen anything to indicate people had been here, at least not for a long, long time and he quickly began to lose interest in the planet. There didn't appear to be any threats and, although Teal'c kept a close watch out, Jack could see that his alien friend was also looking rather bored.

Sam – Carter – of course kept a sharp eye out for anything unusual. She was an incredibly good officer and he knew he could always count on her to stay alert. This time he noticed that she too was appearing relatively relaxed. It looked like this planet really was boring.

"So campers, any ideas about what direction we should go?" Jack asked as they trudged down the path. He'd seen a fork in the trail ahead and they'd have to decide which one to take.

"Left," Daniel muttered.

"Left? Okay – why left?"

Daniel shrugged. "We usually go right. I thought it might be interesting to go left this time- see what's – not right."

"Funny Daniel. Alright, left it is."

"Is that a valid reason to go left O'Neill?" Teal'c questioned. "Many people believe that the right is the superior direction, the direction of the gods."

Jack sighed. "You wanna go right? Fine, we go right."

"But we always go right Jack," Daniel whined. "I thought you said we could go left this time. Come on, let's be bold."

"Yes, left is really bold," Jack sighed and rolled his eyes. Carter, as yet, hadn't said anything. "Carter, what's your opinion? Right or left?"

"Why don't we wait until we get there Sir, then we can see each of the trails and make the decision then."

Jack smiled. "That's why you're my 2IC Carter – you're brilliant!"

"Yes Sir," she grinned, knowing full well that the Colonel was already planning to do exactly that. She also knew that this whole discussion was his way of keeping himself, and his team, from dying of boredom on this – really – boring planet.

They arrived a few minutes later at the fork and all of them carefully looked down the left trail and then the right – and then repeated the process.

"They appear to be the same O'Neill," Teal'c finally pointed out.

"Yeah, I kind of got that Teal'c. Carter? Daniel? Any ideas?"

Carter was holding out one of her techno-wonders and pointing it down first one path and then the other. "I'm reading a faint EM signature Sir," she said, a slight frown on her face. All of them knew that that frown was not one just of concern – but rather one of excitement and "ooh goody – a new piece of technology to find, investigate and beg the Colonel to bring back to Earth".

Jack considered carefully. Carter had a way of convincing him, against his better judgment, to do just that. But he was learning – no one could accuse him of being slow. Taking back alien technology often had a way of going FUBAR – just ask him. Spending a day hanging on the gate room wall, like a particularly large bug, had taught him a thing or two.

Still, they were out here looking for technology to help them fight the Goa'uld… He sighed. "Which path Major?"

"Uh – both Sir," she replied.

"Well that doesn't help us," he scowled. Decisions, decisions! Heck, that's why he made the mediocre bucks and why it said Colonel on his uniform.

Jack considered for a few more moments and then finally made up his mind. "Teal'c, you and Daniel check out the left path and Carter and I'll go right. Keep in radio contact and we'll meet back here at," he looked at his watch, "1400 hours."

"Good, we get to go left," Daniel smirked.

"We may regret it Daniel Jackson," Teal'c answered ponderously as he moved to their left. "We will see you shortly O'Neill, Major Carter. Be cautious."

"You too Teal'c." Jack watched as the two men wandered off down the left hand trail and then turned and grinned at Carter. "Come on Major, we're off to see the Wizard!"

"Yes Sir," she smiled and followed her CO, feeling a sudden urge to skip.

They'd been walking for almost an hour with Sam enjoying the view of her CO's six and allowing herself to daydream – just a little bit. She was almost startled then when the Colonel stopped suddenly and whistled softly.

"Oh Danny's gonna be ticked," he said softly.

Carter looked around the broad shoulders of the man in front of her and wanted to whistle as well. "Oh yeah Sir," she breathed, "really ticked." For there in front of them was what looked almost like a fairy tale castle – at least it was white and big like a castle although even Jack could tell the architecture was not anything like the castles of Europe.

"Whatya think it is Major?" he asked after staring for a few seconds.

"Uh, no idea Sir." She held up her instrument. "There are EM readings coming from inside."

"Dangerous?"

"No, they don't appear to be. They're relatively low level."

"So, do we chance going inside?" O'Neill mused. Carter didn't say anything knowing that the Colonel was speaking mostly to himself.

He pulled his radio out of his vest. "Teal'c?"

"I am here O'Neill."

"Carter and I found some kind of building. We're gonna check it out. We'll check back in 30 minutes."

"Roger that O'Ne –"

"Hey Jack," Daniel's voice interrupted Teal'c and Jack could picture Daniel snatching Teal'c's radio rather than actually bothering to use his.

"What Daniel?"

"What kind of building is it? Can you tell what type of architecture it is? Is there evidence of Goa'uld influence? Is there any writing -"

"Daniel," Jack practically shouted into the radio. "I don't know, which is why Carter and I are going to check it out. No, no and no, not that I can tell. Now we'd like to actually go look at it now."

"Okay Jack but can you take some pictures? Maybe I should come – Teal'c!"

Jack heard low mumbling and higher pitched whining and then Teal'c came back on. "I am sorry about that O'Neill. We shall speak with you in 30 minutes."

"Thanks Teal'c. Over." When he had put back his radio he glanced up to see Carter with a huge grin.

"Poor Daniel," she said. "This has to be killing him."

"Mmm hmm," Jack returned her grin. "And Teal'c is quietly gloating over the fact that Daniel insisted on going left! Now come on – let's go take a look."

They approached the building carefully, keeping their eyes open for any dangers including aliens or booby traps.

"Looks good so far Sir," Carter commented.

"Mmm hmm – which means something's bound to pop up and bite us in the ass. I never trust it when things go too well."

"No Sir," she nodded. What he said was unfortunately too often the truth. For that reason she stayed alert.

They arrived at what appeared to be the front door – although the door itself was long gone. In its place was an archway leading into a small courtyard, now overgrown with various plants. There was also evidence that some kinds of small animals had used this place as a sanctuary or even a feeding ground.

Jack looked at his watch and realized it was time to check in with the others. He contacted Teal'c and informed him that everything was "hunky dory."

"That is good O'Neill. Everything is fine here as well. We came across a small structure. It has writing on it."

"Oh – so Daniel is happy?"

"Indeed O'Neill, as a pig in -"

"Teal'c! Where did you hear that expression?"

"Is it not correct?"

Sigh. "Yes, it's correct. In Daniel's case very correct. Well, enjoy – or tell him to enjoy and you watch him carefully. I'll radio back in one hour."

"I will await your call O'Neill – anxiously."

"Everything okay Sir?" Carter asked.

"Just fine. Daniel found a building with writing on it."

"So he's happy."

"As a pig Carter, as a pig." He shared a grin with his 2IC and perhaps for the thousandth time wished – what he had no right wishing. He took a deep breath and looked around.

"Okay – door one, two or three?" the Colonel asked. There were three archways breaking off from the courtyard and nothing particularly distinctive about any of them.

"Well Sir, Teal'c may be correct that right is usually the way to go."

"Fine Major, door number one on the right it is." He moved carefully towards that doorway, his eyes constantly sweeping the area for hidden dangers.

Sam watched him, doing much the same thing, and couldn't help but acknowledge that there was no one she'd rather do this with than the Colonel. There was no one with whom she felt safer. He was the best officer she'd ever seen and she was constantly grateful she'd been assigned to his team.

O'Neill was now poking his head through the doorway, a slight frown on his face.

"What is it Sir?" Carter asked.

"Uh – I don't know. It looks like some kind of – bedroom or something. Come take a look." He stepped back and allowed Carter to look into the room.

She could see a raised dais in the center of the room with elaborate carvings all around the base. She looked at the carvings and was startled to see graphic depictions of naked men and women doing - things – together. "Uh -" she glanced at the Colonel who had a smirk on his face.

"I think we may have come across the alien equivalent of the Playboy Mansion," he said, staring at the dais. "Daniel is going to be really pissed!" He considered for a moment. "So is Teal'c, for that mater. So, any ideas Major?"

She looked at him, startled, her mouth hanging open. It took her all of five seconds – and the Colonel's quizzical look, to realize he was asking her for her thoughts on the room, not about what she'd like to do. She felt herself go red and turned back to the room, praying that the Colonel hadn't figure out what had gone through her mind at his question. She stalled for a few seconds – and tried to get her breathing under control, while she perused the room more carefully with her eyes.

She frowned and pointed to the walls. "Look at that Sir. It doesn't exactly fit in with the uh – bed thing."

Jack turned in the direction that Carter was pointing – a humorously flustered Carter – and carefully studied the wall.

"What are those things?" he asked after a few minutes.

"I think – babies Sir," she said, looking at the gilded carvings on the wall.

"Babies?" He tilted his head to the side and considered the carvings all along one wall. "That's kind of – sick, considering what's over there."

"Maybe it's supposed to be Cupid Colonel. You know, the God of – uh – love." She glanced towards the dais and grimaced.

"I know who Cupid is Major – and you're probably right. It's still kind of – creepy."

"It is Sir."

"So, no ideas?"

"About the room? Well, I do know that many cultures used – uh – sex as part of worship. I mean – uh – look at some Earth cultures and art."

"Yes, well, I try not to. I guess we need Daniel here. But first, let's take a closer look."

Sam eyed the Colonel thoughtfully; pretty sure she heard a note of – glee – in his voice. She shook her head. Men. Well, at least it was no longer boring. "Yes Sir."

"And check your thingamabob to see if there's anything going on in here."

She approached the dais carefully with her "thingamabob" as the Colonel called it, held out. O'Neill was slightly behind her, his weapon drawn. As she grew nearer she noticed that the dais had some kind of cover on it, although she hated to think what might be living in it after all these years. She also realized, as she grew closer, that it looked more like a bed than any kind of altar, although she didn't want to say that to the Colonel. She could only imagine his response. Other than the dais or bed, the only object in the room was a metallic globe, which hung from the ceiling over it.

She frowned at the globe and then lifted her monitor. "Sir, the EM readings are coming from that."

"From the disco ball?" he asked, peering at it closely.

"Uh – yes," she said, trying not to smile.

"What the hell is it?"

"I don't know Sir. Do you want me to take a closer look?"

"Mmm – yeah, I guess so – just no touching."

"Yes Sir." Sam slowly walked towards the globe, her hand monitor held out in front of her. She frowned as she watched the readings change. "Something is happening as I move closer Colonel."

"Then stop Major!" he told her. He held up his weapon and looked carefully around the room. "It could be a weapon."

"I don't think so Colonel," she said looking at the readings in front of her. "There doesn't seem to be that much power."

"Well then, what the hell is it?"

Again she knew the Colonel wasn't really asking her because he knew she had no more idea than he did. He was staring at it as if he could force it to start talking.

"Sir, can I move closer?"

"Slowly Carter – and if the readings start to go crazy you get out of there fast, okay?"

"Yes Sir." She slowly took one, two, three steps forward and stopped. The power was increasing, but not to any great extent. It was strange because the globe didn't appear –

"Carter! Watch out!"

Sam glanced back at the Colonel, who had his weapon pointed at the alien object. She immediately looked up, just in time to see the globe separate and a beam of light come out and –

"Carter!" Jack saw it happening, almost in slow motion. He had noticed the globe start to separate as Carter was looking down at her instrument. Before she'd had a chance to register what was happening or to move, the light had hit her square in the chest.

Jack didn't even stop to think. He threw himself forward, practically tackling his 2IC and shoving her out of the way.

At least that's what he tried to do. Instead of moving her, he found himself stopped cold as if he'd run into a brick wall. He let out a great "ooph" and the next thing he knew he was frozen next to his 2IC, his arms out on either side of her and his body pressed right into her.

He couldn't move – could barely breathe – and the only thing he could see was Sam. She was looking at him in – wonder? Her face was turned towards him and even though it was obvious she too was frozen, there was something in her expression that startled him – hell, that scared him to death.

He tried to speak, tried to ask what was wrong, but nothing would come out of his mouth. They continued to be stuck and Jack had a whimsical thought that maybe this was a fairy tale castle and they'd be stuck like this until some prince came along and freed them. Better not be with a kiss though, he thought. He'd shoot any guy who tried to kiss him – or Carter, for that matter.

That thought was followed swiftly by the memory that Daniel and Teal'c were close by. If they didn't report in on time the two men would come and check things out and would find them – and hopefully save them.

He glanced down again at Sam – thank god his eyes seemed to be working – and was startled by the look of – longing that was on her face. Rather than his usual caution and sense of no way in hell can we go there unless we want our asses Court Martialled, he felt a responding sense of longing and desire begin to grow in him. And interestingly, that wasn't the only thing that was growing. So, not everything was frozen, he realized.

There was a brief second flash of light and then they were both unfrozen. Jack went to step away from his – from his – "Carter?" he breathed, suddenly getting a whiff of her clean and very sexy self.

"Jack," she murmured. The next thing he knew she was trying to undo his vest.

"Uh – Carter?"

"Yes," she asked as she continued to press up against him.

"Let me." The next thing either of them knew, weapons and vests, radios and packs, monitors and everything else went flying haphazardly around the alien room.

"Oh God Jack," Sam breathed, practically ripping his t-shirt off his body. "Hurry."

He was fumbling with her bra – who the hell invented sports bras? In frustration he simply yanked the thing over her head. There, that'll teach you you –

"Oh my God," he breathed as he caught sight of Sam Carter's naked breasts. He reached up and tenderly touched them – and that was the last bit of tender anything as they both grew more frantic.

His mouth was full of breast and he was pushing her back up against the Playboy bed. He could feel her fumbling with his belt and he pushed her hand away and undid it himself. If he didn't get his pants off soon, he was going to be in real pain.

She did help push them down his legs although his damn boots got in the way. He growled – it was taking way too long to divest themselves of all their equipment and gear. Military wear was not meant for a quick tumble in the hay – or in alien temples.

"Here, let me," Sam breathed. She slithered down his body – he was in heaven – her mouth trailing along and kissing him everywhere, especially -

"- oooh," he groaned.

She finally got to his boots and quickly unlaced them and helped him take them off. His pants and boxers quickly followed. Now it was his turn.

He got distracted on the journey down to help remove her boots – and both of them enjoyed the slight delay. But eventually he got her boots off and then her pants and panties.

"Sam," he groaned as he lifted her onto the dais – neither of them even thinking of whether it was sanitary or not. Her legs wrapped around him and he was sure that he'd ascended because this was not an Earthly experience.

It took him only a second to bury himself inside her and he wanted to shout with the ecstasy that filled him. He'd never felt anything like it before. She was wrapped around him, as close as it was possible to be. He could feel her tremble and then her body tightened around him and began to move.

He had no idea how long they were lost in the throws of passionate sex. At one point they'd climbed up on top of the dais, allowing for a whole new position and experience. In fact, Jack was pretty sure – somewhere in the deep recesses of his mind – that they'd pretty much tried every position known to human beings.

He was more relaxed than he could ever remember being in his life. He felt a soft warm buzz throughout his body and decided he was going to stay here – wherever that was – for the rest of his life.

If only that irritating bug would stop buzzing! He went to swat it, although he barely had enough energy to lift his arm. He dropped it down – on top of something soft and warm, and smiled.

The buzzing continued – and slowly began to morph into something else.

"-Nl."

"O'N."

"O'Nl."

"O'Neill!"

O'Neill. Wasn't that his name? He considered it for a moment. Yup, he was pretty sure that was his name. But why would a bug be saying his name? It was confusing and he would much rather just sleep with his very warm, cuddly teddy bear.

"O'Neill!"

Damn. He groaned and opened his eyes. That bug was not going to let him rest. He was going to have to get up and squash it. He took a deep breath and felt his eyes begin to close, but then forced them open. The bug was coming from somewhere across the room.

He squinted, wondering why there was stuff spread out all over. He shrugged lightly and decided to go investigate. He forced himself to sit up – and heard a groan to his right. He glanced over to see a naked body beside him.

A naked body beside him. Holy Shit! He sat up suddenly and clutched his throbbing head. Oh god, oh god, oh god!

"O'Neill, are you there?"

The bug – damn it, his radio was somewhere across the room where he'd obviously thrown it when –hell! He pushed himself to his feet, practically falling over in the process. He glanced down at himself and then closed his eyes. Things were bad, really, really bad. He spared one more glance at Carter and groaned again. He then launched himself across the room and grabbed his vest with the radio. Fumbling around – he was particularly uncoordinated – he finally managed to snag his radio.

"Teal'c," he grunted, his voice sounding not at all like him.

"O'Neill? Is that you?"

He tried to clear his throat and then spoke again. "Yeah Teal'c, it's me."

"Is everything all right? We have been trying to get in touch with you for almost an hour."

"An hour? Crap. Uh – yeah – things are – well, sort of okay. I mean, we're not hurt but something – uh. Where are you?"

"We are on our way to your location. Based on your arrival time at the structure we believe we will arrive in approximately twenty minutes."

Twenty minutes? He looked around the room and closed his eyes. Crap! "Uh okay Teal'c. Just wait outside the building and we'll come out. Do not come inside – repeat, do not come inside."

There was a pause and then Teal'c answered, concern in his voice. "We will wait outside."

"Jack, Jack – it's me."

"Yes Daniel – I assumed it would be. What do you want?"

"Did you find anything interesting? Did you take pictures?"

Jack glanced again at the room and quickly at the sleeping woman. "Uh no Daniel, I didn't."

"Well, I can take some when I get there. I think they worshipped some kind of sex or fertility gods based the writing in the small temple we found. The writing is a derivation of -"

"Okay Daniel – can we discuss this later?"

"Oh yeah – sure. See you soon Jack. And if you can, take some pictures."

After he'd signed off Jack stood for a few seconds, his mind blank but knowing that things had definitely gone FUBAR – in the biggest way possible.

Knowing they didn't have long he began to dress quickly. "Carter," he called, once he had his pants up, "wake up."

He heard her groan and then sigh – and then that was followed by a screech.

"Oh my god!"

"That's what I said Carter," he told her over his shoulder. He was collecting all his things – and Carter's – and trying to quickly organize them. "The guys are coming – they'll be here in ten minutes so I suggest you get dressed quickly. "Here." He walked backwards, his arm held out behind him, his hand holding a bra, a pair of panties and her shirt. Her pants had fallen by the dais and she could find them herself.

He felt her take the clothes and mutter a soft "Thank you."

"Let's just get dressed and organized Carter. We can talk about this – figure out what to do later."

"Yes Sir. Uh – what about Daniel and Teal'c?"

He sighed. "I don't know. We may have to tell them. I don't think we can hide this. It'll be pretty obvious when they do our medical."

There was silence and then he heard her gasp. She must have taken a look at herself. If she looked anything like him – and he was almost positive she did - there was no way in hell Janet and her nurses wouldn't figure things out. He was literally covered in hickeys and scratches. God – his career suddenly passed before his eyes.

"It wasn't our fault Colonel," Carter's voice interrupted his despair. "It was -"

"Alien influence – I know."

Suddenly he heard a giggle – the sound so surprising that he couldn't help but turn around. Sam was standing by the dais – almost dressed – with tears trailing down her face and a look of panic buried under the laughter.

"What?" he frowned. What could possible be so funny?

"Aliens made us do it Sir," she choked.

He looked at her blankly at first and then it hit him. He felt the laughter build and within seconds both of them were laughing hysterically.

Yup – his life was officially a cliché!