All the Family I Need
It had been two days since she had gotten him back, two days of trying to pretend everything was normal, two days of not letting Noah see how scared she was, two days of slowly beginning to breathe. He wanted to go to school that morning but Liv just could not bring herself to take him, it was just too soon. Their visit to the fruit stand had all but sent her into a panic attack, she felt the tightness in her chest grow stronger every minute they were away from the apartment. She knew she needed to call and make an appointment with Dr. Lindsrom but that would mean leaving Noah and she just was not ready for that yet. There was someone she was ready to talk to though, she reached into the pocket of her sweater and touched the handkerchief he had given her the other day. She didn't have a good reason for why she had kept in on her since then but she had nonetheless.
His phone barley rang when she called him as if he had been waiting for her call.
"Hey, how are you? How is Noah?" He asked immediately.
"We are making it through." She paused briefly before continuing, "If you aren't busy tonight maybe you could come over? I could really use a friend to talk to."
"If I was busy I would cancel whatever it was." He assured her. "Should I bring dinner?"
"No, I promised Noah spaghetti." She said feeling the first smile cross her face in a few days.
"All right then, I'll see you when I get out of this meeting." He told her.
"Thanks Rafa."
"See you in a bit."
An hour later with sauce simmering on the stove Liv and Noah were busy building with the robot kit he had gotten for Christmas. Liv jumped when she heard the knock at her door and Noah rushed to answer it.
"That's Uncle Rafa!" He yelled
"Hold on Noah let me answer it." She reminded him even though she was sure it was Rafael on the other side. She was surprised though when she peeked through the whole and her squad was standing in on the other side.
"Surprise!" Carisi said shuffling the pizza boxes he was holding.
"These two thought you could use some company." Finn explained.
"Jessie has been asking to play with Noah." Amanda offered sheepishly.
"Jessie, come see my robots!" Noah exclaimed takin his friend by the hand into the living room.
"Thanks guys, it's good to see everyone. ' She said stepping to the side to let them in, she took the pizza boxes into the kitchen and turned off the sauce figuring she could save it for another night.
When she returned to the living room everyone was all gathered around Noah and Jessie as they built robots, before she even had a chance to sit down there was another knock at her door.
"That's Uncle Rafa!" Noah exclaimed again, "He was going to eat sghetti with Mommy and me, but now we all get to have pizza!" He explained to the rest of the group.
Liv didn't wait to see if anyone cast a questioning look in her direction she simply went to open the door for him. Seeing him standing at her door dressed casually she felt her body relax a little as she leaned against the door. She stood there for a minute a rush of words falling from her mouth when he asked her how she was. She had not realized just how badly she needed him. She felt self-conscious after she said everything that she did but he simply smiled at her and told her he was there to listen to whatever his friend needed to talk about.
"So is she going to ask me in?" He asked with another smile and she stepped aside as he made his way into the apartment. If he was bothered by the presence of her squad he did not show it. He discarded his jacket and made a joke about jay walking deer with Noah as he settled into play. She stood there for several minutes watching the exchanges feeling immensely grateful for this group of people in her life.
"Mommy, I'm hungry. Can we have pizza now?" Noah asked, drawing her out of her thoughts.
"Yes of course." She told him shaking her head a little trying to clear it, "Rafael can you help me?"
"Of course, Noah don't let Sonny mess up my robot all right?" Rafael instructed the boy.
"Ok, Uncle Rafa." The boy answered with a laugh.
When they were in the kitchen Liv lowered her voice, "Sorry, they all just showed up." She explained.
Rafael placed a hand on her shoulder, "It's all right Carisi texted me asking me if I wanted to join everyone. He said they weren't going to stay long so I can wait around if you still want to talk" He offered with that same soft smile.
"I would like that." She told him as they plated up pizza and carried it back into the living room.
Sure enough shortly after the pizza was finished her team gathered their coats and Amanda bundled Jessie up to leave. If anyone thought it strange that Rafael was staying behind they did not voice it. Noah went to get his pajamas on as Liv began to gather up the dishes. Rafael stopped in front of her taking the dishes from her hands, set them on the counter and pulled her to himself. To his surprise she did not resist at all in fact she allowed her body to fold into his burying her face in his neck as one of his hands stayed on her waist and the other stroked her hair as it had the other day. They both stepped back as they heard Noah returning neither saying a word about that moment.
"Good night, Amigo, I'm going to clean up while Mommy puts you to bed." Rafael told the boy with a smile.
"Night Uncle Rafa, can you come back tomorrow so we can eat sghetti?" He asked.
"I would love to Noah." He answered with a smile.
An hour later Rafael had cleaned up all the remints of the impromptu gathering and poured them each a drink. He flipped through his phone for responding to a few text and emails while he waited. He began to wonder if she had fallen asleep with him so he made his way silently to the back of the apartment slowly opening Noah's door. Liv was not asleep but rather sitting on the edge of Noah's bed looking down at him, seemingly unable to move.
"Liv" He whispered, when she did not answer she walked carefully across the room placing a hand on her shoulder. She jumped back and he crouched down next to her. "Hey, it's just me. Come on." He took her hand gently pulling her to her feet, wrapping an arm around her and guiding her to the living room.
"I poured you a glass of wine." He said placing it in her hand as he settled on the couch next to her.
"Thank you…for everything." She said as she took a sip from her wine.
"It's the least I can do. Tell me what you were thinking sitting there watching him." He probed gently.
"That I don't know if I will ever be able to let him out of my sight again. That if anything ever happens and Lucy can't watch him, I will probably retire because I will never be able to trust anyone else with him. I don't know how to go back to normal life, or if I can." She confessed fighting back the tears.
Rafael moved in close to her wrapping taking her hands in his, "Liv you are not alone in this. Did you see all of us here tonight? We aren't going to let you go through this alone. Liv, do you remember the day you finalized Noah's adoption?"
"Of course, it was the happiest day of my life."
"Do you remember the toast we made?"
Liv nodded, "To family"
"That's right, not just you and Noah but all of us are your family Liv, yours and Noah's." He moved one hand to the side of her face, "Do you understand me Liv? I am not going anywhere."
Olivia covered his hand with her own and moved to rest her forehead against his, "The truth is, I've never really known what a family is so I guess I didn't recognize that I already have all the family that I need."
"I love you Liv." He whispered before he knew the words had even left his mouth. He panicked waiting for her to pull away but she didn't she just remained there joined with him on her couch.
"I know Rafa." She whispered back squeezing his hand as her other one rest on his leg, when she realized the tears she was feeling were no longer just her own she pulled back slightly to look at him.
"I'm sorry Liv, I'm here to comfort you and I'm a mess." He said as he reached for his handkerchief out of habit. She smiled as she pulled it from her sweater pocket.
"Looking for this?" She asked handing it to him with a smile, "Please don't' apologize for anything you've done…or said."
He nodded as he regained his composure he took a good look at her and recognized just how tired she was, "Liv, if I stay on the couch so that you know someone else is here will you sleep?"
"I can't ask you to do that." She protested.
"Family, remember?" He reminded her gently, "Besides if you decide to take Noah to school tomorrow it might be good to have some support."
"Ok, yes to staying but I'm still not sure about school." She answered him, "Let me get you some blankets and pillows."
She returned with the blankets and pillows and they stood their awkwardly for a few minutes.
"You should go to bed Liv. I'm a big boy I will be fine." He said with a smile.
"Good night Rafael." She said placing a soft kiss on his cheek and retreating to her bedroom. It did not take long for her to crawl between her sheets and feel herself begin to drift off with the security of knowing someone else was there to keep Noah safe. The last thought she had before falling completely asleep was that Rafael Barba had told her he was her family and that he loved her, when she was a little more rested she would need to think about those things some more.
TBC