A/N: This fic here is pretty much a headcanon-palooza. I was just sitting there one night thinking about the guys and some stuff I've written previous and i was like, hey this is a good idea. Pretty much everything in here is my headcanon, but I thought it would be fun to look a little deeper into the guys at 51s and maybe what makes them tick a little. Some of the stuff here I've put in other fics, but you don't have to read them to know what's going on.
I'm fairly prolific with posting of late as I've had a death in the family and have given up on real work for a time. This is my way to decompress and keep (mildly) sane.
To be a fireman requires a certain amount of trust. A man has to have trust in his fellow firemen, has to trust they will be there for him, to protect him, to save him, listen to his problems. Those who can't trust don't last very long. Still, every man has his secrets, and while he may share some with his brothers, there are some secrets to be kept hidden.
Nobody need know that Captain Hank Stanley feels his heart jump into his throat whenever he sends his men into a fire, worrying that this will be the day one doesn't come out, that he'll have to make that call to someone's wife or parents and tell them he failed to keep their loved one safe. They don't need to know that every once in a great while, when one of his boys gets seriously injured, he'll hide in his office under the pretense of doing paperwork and let his tears fall. They don't need to know how much he hates having his boys injured, hates seeing them in pain, hates watching them fidget in the hospital bed, hates hearing the doleful tone in their voice when they talk about how long it will be before they can come back to work. They don't need to know how much he loves being their captain, their Cap, loves being someone they can look up to, loves being someone they can trust, loves knowing he can trust them, loves their pranks, their stupid jokes, their childish bickering. They don't need to know they're his boys and he just loves them.
Nobody need know that Marco Lopez loves cooking for the crew because he went hungry when he was a child, that he watched his parents and older siblings skip meals so he and his younger siblings could eat, that he began skipping meals with them when he was old enough. They don't need to know that he lost his eldest brother to gang violence, lost a younger brother to drugs, lost his father to a stroke that took several years to kill him, that Marco himself almost went to jail when he discovered his sister's boyfriend was hitting her and beat him to a pulp. They don't need to know he cried when each of his children was born, cried every time he held them for the first month of their lives, cried more than his wife did when she had a miscarriage. They don't need to know he's so utterly devoted to his children he would die for them, would kill for them, wants nothing more than their happiness no matter where their happiness comes from. They don't need to know that when his daughter tells him she wants to be a firefighter when she grows up, he tells her to be sure to exercise and eat well so she'll be strong enough for the work, tells her to talk to Dixie about being a candystriper when she's old enough when she tells him she wants to be a paramedic like her tios John and Roy, tells her she can be anything she wants to be. They don't need to know he tells his son he's proud of him when he prefers singing and music to sports, works overtime to make sure his son gets the best music lessons possible, sits as close as possible during his recitals, comforts him when he comes home from school crying that the other boys said awful things to him.
Nobody need know that Roy DeSoto worries he won't be a good enough father for his children, that he's always worried he's not good enough for anything or anyone, that his father always made sure he knew he wasn't good enough, that he worries he may become his father one day. They don't need to know that he didn't mourn when his father died, that at age nine he didn't even cry, that he was almost happy when the awful bastard was shot in a bar because he would no longer come home and drunk and smack around Roy and his mother and his little brother. They don't need to know that his stepfather was the greatest thing to ever happen to his family, that his stepfather was the one he called 'dad', that he was the one to tell Roy he was good enough, smart enough, loved enough. They don't need to know he almost quit the fire department when his newlywed buddy was killed on scene, that his wife convinced him to stay, that she convinced him to become a paramedic, that more than anyone she was the one to make sure he knew he was good enough for her and anything he wanted to do, that when she almost died after their daughter was born he thought he would die, too.
Nobody need know that John Gage didn't actually want to be a fireman until his late teens, that when he was a child he didn't like firemen, that he partially blamed firemen for his parents dying in a car accident when he was seven because they should have been able to save them, that he made up for his childhood attitudes by being the best fireman he could even if it meant behaving recklessly. They don't need to know that even though his parents died in front of him he was a happy kid, that he thrived on his aunt and uncle's ranch, thrived on the reservation, that he was once ready to take over the ranch and be a cowboy, that he once had hair long enough to wear in a braid, that he wished he could braid it once more. They don't need to know that John almost enjoyed taking the extraordinary risks he did because it meant the others didn't have to, that he wanted to make sure Roy and Marco and Cap could go home to their kids and wives, that Cap wouldn't have that on his conscience. They don't need to know that he loves the men he works with so much he's almost happy to die for them, to be injured in their place so he doesn't have to see them suffer, that he feels crushing guilt whenever they're hurt whether it's his fault or not. They don't need to know that he loves them as his own kin, that he never even stops to wonder if they love him in return because he knows they do.
Nobody need know that Chester Kelly wasn't always a happy goofball, that he was pretty chubby as a kid, that the other kids liked to poke fun at him for being fat to the point of bullying, that he developed the Phantom to get back at his tormentors, that even at age nine he was such a good Phantom no one could prove he was behind the mischief. They don't need to know he still counts the day of his baby sister's birth the best day of his life, that he watched over her like a guard dog whenever he could, that he loved her over his overcautious elder brother or his strangely quiet younger brother though he would never say so, that at thirteen he was the one to watch over his six-year-old sister when their father was killed at the factory. They don't need to know his younger brother died in Vietnam, that fell into a cycle of alcohol abuse and marijuana use his then-fifteen-year-old sister had to pull him out of, that alcohol is still his drug of choice when he feels low, that he's aware he could very well end up in the hospital or worse when he binges like that but he can't stop himself. They don't need to know that he tells stupid jokes and plays pranks to keep the men he works with happy, to make them laugh, that he picks on John because he likes him best, that John is like the little brother he wishes he had. They don't need to know that when he stands or sits too close it's only because he loves them and wants to be sure they're real, that they won't just disappear into thin air because good things don't tend to last for him.
Nobody need know that Mike Stoker wanted for nothing growing up, that he never went hungry, that he was always loved and cared for by his parents, that they gave him everything within reason, that he feels guilty when anyone mentions being poor growing up. They don't need to know he had to redo his first responder training because the sight of blood makes him sick, that he began studying to be an engineer from his first year as a fireman, that he received the highest score on the engineer's exam for a first attempt and for someone so young, that he felt bad whenever Chet took the exam and couldn't quite score well enough to be an engineer like he wanted. They don't need to know he never talks about his love life because he hasn't got one and never has, that he's never even so much as kissed anyone, that he's always felt broken because it feels like he's the only one in the world who isn't interested in sex. They don't need to know that while Mike loves nothing more than being an engineer, he hates being so far away from his brothers when they're in danger, hates knowing there's nothing he can do, hates being helpless, hates seeing them hurt as much as anyone else. They don't need to know that after a particularly rough call or shift Mike will lay awake a little longer than everyone else, just listening to them breathe, that he just wants to be sure they're all alive, that they're all still with him.
Nobody need know that all their secrets will come out in due time, that they will spill their hearts to each other in dire moments, that the men they call their brothers will not be horrified by these secrets.
Nobody need know that when John is out with the 'monkey flu', Mike goes into Cap's office and finds him with tears rolling down his cheeks, that he simply shuts the door behind him, that he is sure to comfort his captain, that he assures him it's alright to cry no matter what anyone else thinks.
Nobody need know that John goes almost out of his way to tell Roy how great he is, that Roy is a great paramedic, a great father, a great husband, that he wants nothing more than for Roy to see how wonderful he is, that he wants Roy to know it's how he sees him, sees him as good enough for whatever he wants, that he's good enough for them.
Nobody need know that whenever John is in the hospital, Chet is his most consistent visitor, that Chet knows John hates hospitals because he hates hospitals, that he knows John's family lives too far away to visit and he wouldn't call to worry them anyway, that he knows John gets lonely too easily and he doesn't even want to think about a dejected John, that he loves John and John knows it because John loves everyone, especially them… especially him.
Nobody need know that Roy deliberately goads Marco into long conversations about his children just to see how his face lights up, that he knows Marco is the best father in the universe, that he knows Marco works hard to provide the kind of life for them he never had, that he always lets Marco know where the best OT opportunities are to help him out.
Nobody need know that Cap indulges Chet's seemingly random health food kicks that crop up whenever someone makes a crack about his weight or a girl dumps him, that he lets Chet get away with a lot because he knows Chet needs it to stay upbeat, that he knows Chet doesn't seek attention for attention's sake but only wants to keep everyone happy, that he lets the young lineman stand a little too close after a scary run because he needs it as much as Chet does.
Nobody need know that Marco goes out of his way to make Mike feel comfortable, that he sees the guilt in his eyes when the guys talk about rough childhoods and not having enough, that he sees the helplessness in his face when someone is hurt, that he knows Mike is different even if he isn't sure how but doesn't care anyway because Mike is the best engineer in the county, that sometimes he would lay awake for a bit, too, and let the absence of one man's quiet snores and soft breathing hang over him like a cloud, that he knows Mike is good at pretending to sleep so no one knows he's awake because Marco is good at it himself.
Nobody need know that each of them men on that shift loves the others, so much so that each of them would gladly walk into Hell for any of the others and demand to take their place, would demand it of the Devil himself.
Nobody need know that each man feels a shiver crawl up his spine at the thought of the day they would move on from Station 51, away from those they love, of others being in charge of protecting these men, that they would try to rid themselves of these thoughts as soon as possible.
Nobody need know all these things… but everybody does.
Quick note: I just saw an episode the other day where Marco goes on date with Daisy. I dunno why, I've just always felt Marco was married, so here he's married. I hadn't seen that ep before just because I haven't had the chance to sit and binge watch yet. Chet as a chubby kid getting picked on is inspired by the ep of Dragnet Tim Donnelly is in where he steals movie posters. And I think it's fanon that Mike hates blood. I feel like I've read fic by a few different people that have him a bit squeamish.