(A/N) I've read a lot of stories on here which have Susan come home pregnant at the end of PC- they are good but none have been historically accurate and so I took it on myself to make it historically accurate and quite sad. Hope you enjoy it, feedback much, much appreciated!
For those reading Caspian XI I'm sorry but my heart just hasn't been in it and I don't want to Wreck the next few scenes of it! Thanks for being patient, love you all!

Mum liked to get letters from us when we were away to school, she liked to hear about the awards and test results and the bother that Edmund had got himself into. I was generally the one who wrote and it was more urgent since Lucy had just left the comforts of a local school to come to St Finnbars. I knew that Mum worried about the bravest and most adventurous of us all. Lucy changed a lot after our first trip to Narnia, she became so brave and so much stronger and wiser than any eight year old girl should have been. Mum had found it so strange how much we had all changed, we no longer argued and were so much more supportive of each other.
She put it down to the war, to our father leaving to fight. She would never know the truth.
The first letter that was sent to mother at the beginning of Lucy's first term wasn't concerning her at all, but me. My time of the month had never came along. It was late and that was odd, I'd expressed those concerns to my mother and she had sent her reply 'not to worry, sometimes there is confusion Susan dear. And remember to watch Lucy, the curse should start for her soon.'
She was right, I thought, I was just a little confused but a week turned into six and then two months had passed with still no sign, in fact Lucy's began before my lost one appeared.
I remembered her coming up to me at the end of breakfast, wringing her cardigan in her hands, and explaining that she had seen blood in her knickers. I quietly explained the situation to the matron of our house and she gave me a pat for being such a good sister and excused me and Lucy from our first lessons of that day. I dragged her back up to the dorm she slept in and say her down for a chat, beginning to back up what Mum had began to tell her when she was given her first bra a few months before hand. Lucy, as Lucy does, asked endless questions, her little cheeks flushed a bright rouge. She asked the key question when I helped her strip her bed, the questions that explained the point of that dull ache all young women are familiar with. She asked me what it meant if they didn't come.
It meant you were going to have a baby.
A baby.
I froze my fingers gripped tightly to the sheet that I was holding onto.
Lucy had looked up at me, commenting on the colour of my face,
"Susan you're awfully white, what is it?" I couldn't answer that one, my curious sister would have to wait. I suddenly felt nauseous, whirled and ran from the room.
I couldn't be expecting, that was something that happened to married people, to adults. I wasn't even sure how it happened. Was it a kiss, or hug or touching bare skin that did it? I had done them all on that night with Caspian. Was it the other actions that felt so unimaginably pleasant even though he insisted he hadn't performed as well as he would have liked to. Was that what made a baby?
I wasn't sick, not that time. I ran back to my own dorm and gulped in thick gasps of air from the window. I felt tears grow in my eyes and fear rage and taunt inside my stomach. I couldn't have a baby, that was wrong. I knew it was wrong.
A girl from our parish had disappeared during the summer and her mother would not say where. Mum confided in me that the girl, Angelica, had committed a real sin. The girl had been sent away to give birth to a baby she shouldn't have expected.
Would I be sent away? Had I done something wrong? Baby; the word taunted and squirmed in my brain, frying all my thoughts. I couldn't be having a baby. I could not. I was just a child, just a girl and I was not able to have a baby. I was too young for this but still I knew, deep back there, that it was true.
I didn't know who to tell, it wouldn't go away- I wasn't so stupid to believe that. I knew babies sometimes died inside their mother's stomach but the baby still had to come out. It would have to grow up and come out even it if was a dead little blue and red baby like the one our neighbour delivered during an air raid. I didn't know what to do, I wouldn't be sent away from home, I begged it not to be happening. But it was and I was.
A further letter from my mother asked if my monthly's had returned. I pretended to forget that question. I knew by then, a few weeks before the holidays, that I was expecting no doubt.
"Susan your getting awfully podgy," Mary Carmichael commented when we got changed one night for bed, her eyes had narrowed in suspicion and she went to poke my stomach before Tabitha Thomson interrupted,
"Just leave Pevensie alone, she's just having a growth spurt, that's all." I knew from the look in her eyes she knew more. Tabitha was in running for head girl even though she had a large mixture of a family history behind her. Tabby was brought up in the east end till her aunt took her in when she was fourteen- she'd seen everything a girl should never see. If there was anyone who could help me it would likely be Tabitha. Luckily for me I didn't have to sake for her help, she came to me first.
"Susie P," she called on me the final Sunday before we traveled home. On Sunday afternoons we got time to ourselves, I'd promised Lucy I would take her into town since the junior girls had to have a senior with them. Tabby grabbed my hand as the other girls filed from the dorm with their coats and gas masks.
She dragged me to the far end of the room and took me by the shoulders, she was only a little taller than me and even though she was smiling softly I felt intimidated.
"Look, don't deny it Susan, I know you've got one in the oven and I know your folks won't be 'appy. I won't ask who 'e is or what 'append but I know a gal who can get you outta this mess."
I didn't know what she meant, how could there be a girl who could help me, once you were expecting you had to have a baby, didn't you?
"Susan, all they have to do is get a hook and pull it out, that's all. It hurts a bit but once it's out then its over and your body will go back to normal."
"Where, where do they hook it out from?"
Tabby laughed as if I'd said something stupid,
"Obviously the same way it got in,"
I presumed she meant through my... through there and said nothing more.
"Will it hurt?" I asked, speaking quietly- a strange thought for someone who had been in battles.
"I don't know how much but to be honest it can't 'urt much more than losing your innocence did, huh?" I nodded, thinking for a moment. My heart was pounding and I felt very wrong. I felt like I was doing something very bad, it was the one memory I'd always have of the handsome young king who sired it, I didn't know if I could do it. I had to do it. I couldn't go home like this, I would be a total disgrace and mum would have to send me away to a home, she would have to for my safety as well as the rest of the family's. I would give my baby away and then I would come home and pretend nothing happened.
"When?"
"We can go right now, we'll catch the bus in with the kids as long as we walk fast."

We did walk fast, Tabitha positively dragged me down the bustling streets. I felt I shouldn't have left the younger girls but there was so much worry and anxiety bubbling inside me that I felt my heart could short circuit. I didn't know what was happening and I didn't want it to happen, it was like living in a bad dream, like being an accidental murderer. I was going to be a murderer. I had killed people before, it shouldn't have been a problem to do it again. But they were different, they weren't good people, they were out to hurt, to kill my family and I wasn't about to let that happen. This thing inside my body, it was my family. The baby was my own flesh and blood, it was Narnian royalty of the highest and purest and yet this had to happen.
The streets got closer and smellier and busier. We rushed down back street after backstreet, each darker and more taunting than the one before. I felt very sick. I gagged once or twice but Tabby took no notice ruthlessly dragging me,
"It's only wee," she explained, exasperated, "the boys always wee in the streets round our way- well what was our way," Tabby carried on but I wasn't listening. I didn't even want to walk on the ground here it was so filthy, an open gutter ran down the middle of the street filled with paper bags and cigarette ends. There was dog mess all over the place and children played in too big clothes. I though we had it bad with the war at home. I could now understand why Tabby had always been grateful for the likes of carrot fudge.
Eventually we reached our destination even though it was just any old house, I knew that this mustn't be a legal thing to do but I had thought up a picture of a little doctors practise, clean white walls and a red-lipped receptionist. This building was far from that.
The first room smelled strong and metallic, it was black as pitch when we walked through the front door. A small candle burned in one corner and a row of statue like women leaned against the wall. Other than the candle which sat in a saucer on a rickety table there was no furniture. The room was small and its windows boarded up. I felt my skin prickle- this was definitely not right.
Tabby shoved me in ahead of her, holding onto my shoulders with a vice grip like the claws of a lion.
I could almost hear my heart leaping and bouncing around in my chest, desperate to escape. I tried to stay still and calm, I tried but there was a noise.
A sharp scream filled the air, piercing the bubble of silence that had surrounded me. An earth shattering scream, and it continued. On and on and on. The cry belonged to a girl, not a woman. I felt my heart break away and I went with it, turning and following it out the door.
"Susan!" I heard Tabby yell after me but I couldn't. There was so much pain. So much death. Needless slaughter went on in that house. I felt sick but I knew I couldn't stop or Tabby would catch me. Tabby would persuade me to go back. Tabby would make me kill it. I couldn't kill it, I couldn't.
I ran and ran until I was lost and disorientated in an alley. I stopped to breathe in desperate gasps of air as my legs burned from exertion. I threw up, tasting the vicious acid in my throat, I was sick once more from the putrid taste and smell combined.
It was hopeless, everything was totally hopeless. I was going to have a baby and I couldn't kill it and I'd ran away and I couldn't have a baby and Mum and Peter and Edmund and Lucy and school and Tabby and-. My head was spinning with all my thoughts, they flew from my head in the form of tears and I just stood there. I stood and wailed like a lost toddler, hoping and praying things would and could get better somehow.
I found my way back to the bus stop eventually, I knew I'd missed the bus back to school, I knew there were only three a day and the next one was too late. Catching the last bus home meant a punishment when you got back there, punishment enough was missing super for many of the girls but I hadn't been very hungry the past few weeks. I had been taunted by Mrs Metcalfe that I ought to eat every piece of food I was offered, that there were people who weren't so lucky as to have the combined rations of all its pupils and I knew she was right- few families contained enough people to make a pastry where as the school managed it easily. I thought about the stringy pie we had been offered last night and the memory of the smell and chewing that fatty stuff which squeaked between my teeth made me feel sick. I had gone off food. That was a plain and simple fact, no dodging it. On the other hand I didn't really understand it all. I had some vague memories of Mum being very ill when she expected Lucy. I wondered if it was part of being with child. I shook myself mentally for thinking about it because as soon as I did I felt the worries filter back into my head. I hadn't done anything wrong, not really- not deliberately and now Tabby was going to be fed up with me too, she'd twisted many arms to get that sorted. I hadn't had it sorted and sitting at that bus stop in the cold I realised how much there was that I needed to sort.

"Susan? Susan Pevensie ! Are you listening to me?" Mrs Highlander was yelling in my ear the following day in biology class. I wasn't even aware I was half-asleep until she was glaring down at me, her left eye twitching as it did. Lucy had said her eye was a visual of the wireless signal on a windy day and every time I saw her I had to try not to laugh. I hadn't been able to sleep at all the night before, thoughts of babies and horrified parents. When I did sleep my dream was an odd one.
I could hear a baby crying and I ran through a big house searching, desperate to make the baby quiet. The house became the home of Professor Kirke and I soon came face to face with the wardrobe from last years adventures. I rummaged through all the fur coats and mothballs, searching for the baby. I began to crawl and then the wardrobe door shut. I was locked in and helpless with a crying baby.
"Well, Susan? What is the name of the bone from the shoulder to the elbow?"
I opened my mouth, my brain running at top speed to find the answer but I was so tired it just would not come to me at all. The ruler was suddenly whipped from behind her back and crashed down on my knuckles. I was so shocked tears flooded into my eyes. It hurt, I could feel the bones wringing and complaining. I had never been struck by a teacher before.
"On you feet! Three strokes for not paying attention! Hand!" I had no choice at all but to obey her and stood holding my hand out in front. She pulled my arm straight, painfully twisting my wrist over to expose the blue lined underside.
Whack, whack, whack. I watched the wooden ruler rise and fall, biting my lip against the pain. I wanted to cry, I knew I couldn't but I really wanted to. I had too much pride to let her see she'd hurt me. I heard a voice reminding me that I was queen of Narnia, that she should be kissing my feet. It helped a little with the pride but not as much as I'd have liked with the pain.
"Sit, and pay attention girl." Mrs Highlander all but growled at me before she turned and strode back through the rows of girls to the front of the room.
A girl called Miriam who sat across from me tapped me with her pencil, handing me her handkerchief for the raw skin on my wrist. I offered her a grateful smile but knowing I was being speared with sharp eyes I didn't speak. There were no cuts on my wrist, I'd heard the belt they used on the boys often cut them. All there was, was a slight burn and some humiliation. I had never been struck by a teacher before, Mum would be so upset to hear it. I was so tired that I just couldn't pay much more attention. I really could not.
"Well that concludes that some of us have been paying sufficient attention to our last lesson. Today we move on to the topic of reproduction." With those words the entire room began to shuffle uncomfortably in their seats. No body wanted to admit that they were a little interested in this. No one wanted to admit this was all new material. An image of something like a pear appeared on the projector screen and she explained this was the womb, each of us had one inside us. She said that I was around the size of a real pair but it expanded if a baby began to grow inside it. I struggled not to let my hand drop and feel this pear shape, see if I could feel a bigger sized lump. She explained that an egg passed through these tubes and into the womb where a married woman could have it fertilised by a man'a sperm. The baby would then grow from the two cells. She disconnected the projector and before I could stop my thinking, my hand shot up.
"Yes Susan," Mrs Highlander snarled again- pulling a face like a mangy dog.
"How long does it take before the baby is ready to come out?"
"Nine months, is your mother expecting another child?" She must have presumed that was why I wanted to know and so I nodded. Nine months. It had already been three, the baby would come in the spring- April. It seemed so far away but it wasn't. It wasn't when the baby wasn't allowed, it wasn't when I would have to hide it and then give it away. I needed to sort it, I needed advice and that had to come from my best advisor. Peter.