Hey, kiddies. Guess what? It's time for a little…MARY SUICIDE.
Ha, I'm so witty.
Disclaimer: Everything is copyright to Disney. Except the Sues. If anyone cares to trade for a kitten, let me know.
Hercules Sue
Meg and Hercules were just minding their own business, hanging out at a café with Phil and Pegasus nearby. They never asked for anything. But the poor, poor souls of copyrighted characters never do.
Meg had been talking to Hercules about some weird crap that no one cares about. "So then, I like, told that whore, Tom Cruise that he should get the frick off my new sofa—"
Crunch.
Hercules crushed a goblet in his hand.
Meg blinked. "Er…I hope you have the cash to pay for the cup along with everything else…"
"Huh? Of course I do—didn't you see the movie, Meg?"
"Pardon?"
"Uh…Forget it," he coughed. "But…I just had the creepiest feeling…" He shivered.
Meg put her hand on his arm. "Hey, you gonna be okay?"
"…I think we're all doomed.
Oh, Hercules, how right you were. And our strength-endowed hero was not the only one feeling strange premonitions.
Up in Olympus…the Gods were having a party! R.S.V.P. only fangirls. Well…it was, as we shall soon see.
So, anyway, Zeus was gettin' down with his bad self and a crapload of other gods were doing the worm and…random crap. Then, out of no where, Zeus turned around and punched Poseidon in the face.
The party was pretty much trashed, after Poseidon started bawling like the little baby he is, and practically washed out all the crap in Olympus and drowned Apollo's horse and stuff. So Apollo ending up threatening a lawsuit, and Athena volunteered to be the lawyer—dude, it was a MESS. Later when everybody was gone, Hera thought it would be a brilliant idea to ask Zeus why.
"I just…have the funkiest feeling, H-Baby." He shivered.
"Okay, seriously, hon, I know you're going through some weird-ass God midlife crisis, but don't revert to gangsta; nothing's worth that."
"Shut up! You just don't get me! You'll never understand! I wanna divorce!" Zeus ran away crying.
Yet, AGAIN, someone felt strange.
Hades punched a wall out in the underworld. "Okay, seriously, why do I have the sudden creepy, and slightly pedophilic urge to kidnap American teenage girls in miniskirts?" All was silent. "And why do I suddenly feel that there was a party that I was not invited to?"
The authoress decided to toss herself into her own fic for the sake of getting an imaginary signature from her favorite Disney villain EVER. You don't know who it is, you suck. Anyway, Lallyzippo was for whatever reason having trouble getting into her own fic. This defies all the non-existent logic in the fanfic-ing world, so she was beginning to get a little concerned.
"Um…where am I?" Lallyzippo looked curiously around inside her own fanfiction. "This is just WEIRD man."
"Like, what's weird?"
Lallyzippo turned around—
"AAAAAAUGGGGHHHHH!" She fell to the ground and clutched her bleeding eyes. "WHY? MOTHER EFFER, IT'S NOT LIKE I WASN'T NEAR-SIGHTED ENOUGH!"
"Like, what? What's your (insert swear word) problem, (insert swear word)?"
"Ugh… I'm feeling woozy…" Lallyzippo held her head. "Oh—Oh crap, am I really gonna have to write a physical descript—"
The girl who stood before her wore fishnet all over her body. She was short enough to look cute, but tall enough to be a supermodel. Of course, she never really wanted to, because that was lame. Anyway, her long, luscious hair was black like a raven's wing, with highlights that changed color all the time, but were mostly black. Her eyelashes were spider legs. She ate a lot but she never needs to do anything, because she never gains weight—
"That's impossible!" Lallyzippo screamed in agony. "Besides, that description—It's horribly written! It's like mocking my own writing!"
Oh, yeah and she's a goddess.
"…That just sucks man."
She's just as strong, if not stronger than any man. Her name is—
"Lemme guess," Lallyzippo panted, drooping her poor, defiled hands, "…Persephone?"
"Woah! You're good!" she laughed.
"I hate you."
Per…Per…SUE looked at Lallyzippo with anger. "No one hates me. You hear me, NO ONE!" Grabbing Lallyzippo by her collar…or necklace or whatever the crap I'm wearing in this fic. "EVERYONE WILL LOVE ME!"
"…Security issues much? You can't be loved by everyone, it's impossible."
"Oh, really? I (insert swear word) think (insert) that (swear) you're (word) wrong. I made a (swear word) deal."
"With who?"
"WITH ME!" Sakura jumped out of the shadows. "Haha, what now Lallyzippo?! This is what you get for killing me!"
Then a plot hole opened up and a bullet shot through it and nailed Sakura in the forehead.
"Woah, Kocoum! How did you dodge a bullet aimed at you point blank?" could be heard as the plot hole closed the dimensional rift.
"Well…like, you know she always comes back, right?" Sue turned towards Lallyzippo after several moments of uncomfortable silence.
"…I think that's what I hate and love about her."
More silence.
"Wanna Fanta?" Sue held it out.
"…HECK YES I DO!"
Lallyzippo grabbed it from her and began to gulp it down. She did it too quickly—she never realized it until it was too late.
"Uh…that wasn't a Fanta was it?"
"Not anywhere close, (insert swear word)."
"You (swear word)!"
She covered her moth. It waz the first sine of sue-ness. Swearing, and noone caring. Not only that, mor speling errors were oquurring.
"No…! You…You can't do this to me! Not in my own fic!" she backed up against a wall. "You didn't…!"
Sue held the bottle out, and ripped off the covering. It was just as Lallyzippo had feared: it was Sue-In-A-Bottle.
"You know, it's weird that you thought this was a fanta…seeing as how the bottle is a milk carton."
"It was your evil sue powers, (swear word)!" Lallyzippo could feel changes already occurring: her hair color was changing in two different ways, her waist felt clenched, and she felt…dizzy. So she passed out, not caring to see any more transformation.
"Okay, ladies and…Phil—" Phil grunted "—I believe what we have is a typical Emo-Sue, on the loose!"
Meg raised her hand.
Hercules sighed. "Yes, Meg?"
"Uh…does this mean that you're gonna fall in love with a sue? Because if that happens I will officially kill myself. Again."
"Don't do that!" He grabbed her by the shoulders. "If you die, then we can't have anymore cute fluff moments for the sake of cannon and fan shipping! And what about fan art?!"
Phil slapped his head. "Dude, whoever is writing this fic is a NERD."
"AM NOT!"
The party turned around to see…
"AUGGGG!" Meg fell to the ground clutching her eyes.
Woah. Déjà vu.
"…It's really that bad?" Lallyzippo's eyes watered.
"…Are you wearing a sombrero?" Meg, who had quite quickly recovered, arched an eyebrow.
"I thought it would distract from the sue-ness."
"I still think you're beautiful," Phil sniffed.
"…Darn it."
"Don't worry, that's normal," Hercules waved it off.
"Oh, right."
"So you overcame sue-ness with…retardedness?" Meg cocked her head to the side.
Lallyzippo shrugged. "Desperate times call for desperate measures."
"Touché."
An explosion was heard.
"That sounded bad," Phil poked Hercules' tummy.
"Eheehee…stop I'm ticklish."
"…That's not creepy at all," Lallyzippo rolled her eyes.
"WHHYYYYY…"
Everyone turned their heads up to see Hermes flying in on them. He would have made a graceful landing, if Sakura's dead body hadn't dropped out of the sky for no apparent reason and crushed him into the ground. Everyone just kind of watched, amused, as Hermes gasped for breath and struggled under the enormously sue corpse.
"Shouldn't we help him?" Lallyzippo asked with concern.
"Nah!" Hercules waved. "He's a GOD, remember? He can't die."
"Oh, that makes it okay, then. Uh, what is he the God OF, exactly?"
"Piano and awesome shades," Hermes wheezed from under the…thing.
"Works for me." Meg shrugged at Lallyzippo's comment, and used her own subdued sue powers to move the body.
Hermes stood up and took a deep breath. "Man, she's gotta lay off on the bulimia. I think she forgot to throw up that last bit before she was off'ed."
"Um, ew." Meg shrugged once again at Lallyzippo's last comment. CoughShesecretlytrieditbeforecough.
"Psssst, Phil," Hercules whispered, "what's Bulimia?"
Hermes, apparently not picking up on the fact that everyone was ignoring him and trying to explain Bulimia to Hercules, continued. "Guys we got MAJOR problems in Olympus, man! There's this emo-sue on the loose, and now everyone is running around in emo clothes, writing horrible poetry, hating their immortal lives, eating Count Chocula with blood, 'cause it's hardcore, and worst of all, all the Gods are making atrocious spelling errors!"
Everyone gasped.
Hercules fell to his knees. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! WHY TONY JAY? WHY?!"
Frollo popped out of no where. "Because you're all dirty sinners!" Then he disappeared.
Silence.
"Well, that hurt MY feelings," Meg crossed her arms.
"Let's go to Olympus!" Hercules pointed. "FORWARD MEN!"
"Yeah!" Hemres raised his arms.
"Sorry, bub. You're a no go."
Hermes glared at Phil. "Why the heck not?"
"Because, well…to put it simply, you're a minor character. You won't stand two seconds up against a sue."
Hermes drooped. "Yeah..."
"Don't worry Hermes, you'll always be the God of Piano and Awesome Shades in my heart!"
He sniffed. "Thanks Lallyzippo."
TO BE CONTINUED…