Goodbye or i'll see you later

This is a "clean" version, meaning it has no references to stargate although it was written thinking of it and sam/jack.

it's after "lost city"

mostly Sam POV

I have to say goodbye now.

And i know it's not forever.

I know i'll see you again.

But that doesn't make it any better.

Doesn't stop the tears from forming behind my eyes.

But i will not cry.

I have to be strong.

And crying would be weak right now.

We have other things to focus on.

In the military you learn everything has it's moment.

And mourning, crying and other admissions of sadness or defeat its the last thing you can do.

You have to worry about the enemy. About getting out alive, not about those who will not come out.

You leave no man behind, and that includes you.

No one can know.

How much it hurts to be here without you.

I don't want to continue.

I don't know if i can.

But i have to.

I don't get a choice.

Because if i did, i'd make the worst one right now.

I won't give up

I know you're counting on me

To bring you back

And, i'll do it. Somehow.

I'd do anything fo you.

I have.

Somethings i never thought i was capable of.

I probably wouldn't even have been able to do it if it weren't for you.

I hear you, in my head.

I hear you telling jokes

Trying to cheer me up

Telling me not to work so hard

To sleep

To eat

To go home.

But i am home. And you know it.

This is our home

Our apartments, they are just empty places.

We rarely spend any time there.

We go to sleep some day , to change clothes,to get civilian clothes..

I think it's hard to say whose house it's more abandon.

We have lived the greatest part of our lives here

And we will most likely die here.

We are lucky people in a way

We love our jobs.

More than each other.

I love you but im not willing to give this up

And neither are you.

Not knowing it could turn out really bad and we will have lost everything.

But somedays i wonder if it's worth it

Somedays i wanna send everyone , everything to hell

Just to be with you.

But it's just a fantasy. I could never do that.

The guilt would just be too much

If we have survived this long is only because we have always placed ourselves last.

This is no place for selfish people

You have to be willing to give everything up for others

People you will never know, who will never know what you have done.

But the ultimate sacrifice it's not giving your life.

That is easy.

If giving up on your life. Put it on pause and never press play again.

You can find love here.

I have, and so many others.

But this love cannot blossom with the threats hanging over our heads.

We keep it hidden.

It grows in our hearts, but no one knows it.

I feel it and i see it in the rest.

None of us are happy.

We can't afford to be happy

We live on hope.

We know that they will be gone one day.

Maybe we won't defeat them

Or the people after us.

But they will die.

You bring out the best in me.

It's for you i've worked the hardest i have ever worked.

Always having to save you

Each time i think i'll lose you and then somehow, you're back.

You know me better than anyone

It's scary and wonderful at the same time.

It's in your arms i long to be, to wake up every morning and see you

But they have also become a feared place

It's so comfortable i don't ever wanna leave

I feel safe in your arms but i can never enjoy it fully, knowing it can't last

I fear one day i won't be able to leave

I'll come clean and everything will be ruined.

I would tell you i love you

And you would say it back

But then we'd have to forget it ever happened

Because i know, i couldn't work side by side with you, knowing and not being able to be with you.

They say knowing is better than wondering, but i don't wanna know.

I don't wanna know that i could have you but you're off-limits.

I'd rather live with the hope one day the limits will broaden to fit you.