Disclaimer: CDPR own the witcher video games Sapkowski owns book series. I own pretty much nothing, except my doubtful skills in writing crappy fan-stories.
A/N: wow, it went different way than I imagined. It was suppose to be more of a character/relationship study. It ended up being… cracky "race study" with addition of personal headcanons… I think… I hope you'll enjoy it. Somehow.
A/N2: Spoilers ahead! (for Iorveth's path)
Love makes the world go round
By your-biohazardous-friend
"Well now, we call this the act of mating
But there are several other very important differences
Between human beings and animals that you should know about
I'd appreciate your input"
[bad touch/ bloodhound gang]
Saskia was enchanted by humans. She could watch them for hours as they run around narrow streets of Vergen. Always in motion! always in a hurry! Always so late! So many things to do, so little time! Just eighty years to live but less than half of that time could be really spent on sole, conscious living at it's fullest.
For elder races thirty or so years was like spit on a sidewalk.
After the establishment of free Pontar Valley Saskia couldn't help but notice non-humans in quite different light than she previously viewed them - especially after Iorveth tagged along. She knew what he wanted to be to her and what he wanted her to be. The ex-guerrilla was as obvious and oblivious in concepts of love as the elven love was different from human emotions, which led to difference between elven females and their human counterparts.
Human women of all shapes, sizes and sub-races have standards – very high ones. Most of them wished for young, tall, handsome men with impressive… appendages. Of course, they knew that not all of them would have such dream guy, thus had several fail-safe standards. They could marry short, wimpy old man with small prick, yet with giant sum of money and a lover on the side, which was more to their liking. Human females thought more selfishly or, to be more precise, more about well-being of their possible offspring. So what they really aimed for were either impressive genetics or high status quo. They were like animals on this level – it was survival of the fittest at it's finest.
Female elves were transcendental. They had ten, up to twenty, years in-between each ovulation. All elves were equally beautiful, equally sensitive. They had less variety to choose from. Thus elves were bored to extinction. Children among them were sporadical at best - not only because of those 'technical difficulties' as Yarpen once put it - elven females were less eager to go through pregnancy, which ended with bloody and painful labour. They viewed children as parasites that right from the conception were sucking vital minerals from their beautiful hosts. The idea of possible loosing of teeth or sight was too earth bounding to make any efforts, thus even at the bring of extinction, elven females just couldn't force themselves to find anything lyrical about it at all, unlike humans who made a cult out of fertility. For them it wasn't a burden but a blessing in which they believed wholeheartedly.
Just as any other race elves liked exotic features. Surprisingly, what that particular elder race found exotic were uneven teeth, tangy smell of sweat and, especially, hairy just about everything on a body that resembled elven built. Elves were so jealous of human body hair just as passionately as the latter hated it and tried to get rid of it with blades, wax, ointments and, even, magic. To sum things up what elves really wanted was imperfection. Well… the grass was always greener on the other side of the fence.
Vergen was a challenge for them - eventually elves had to get out of their timeless comfort zones to compete with all those hairy monkeys and disgusting cockroaches that constantly tried to woo to bed pretty much everyone no matter of size, race and age. In exchange they were not that impressed by long, metaphorical poems and hand holding that non-humans had in store for them.
"it's for good of our non-human neighbours" the people were excusing themselves in front of their ruler "mages said themselves that human smell and pheromones make elven females more… fertile, right? So we, as species, smell and pheromone all right. The point is that at the climax of our meetings we just take care that… ehmmm… sword match the sheath and there are four pointy ears in a pair… that's all, m'lady"
"Elves don't mind" someone from the crowd added hurriedly.
"we don't mind as well" another brave soul shouted from the back.
"we're talking about orgies…" Saskia retorted flatly.
The human representatives looked embarrassed. Ah yes, for her citizens she was still the virgin of Aedirn.
"could you also explain to me the demand for sweaty shirts?"
"it's like with newborn babies, m'lady" the man started again "it's a well known trick: when a mother has to work she leaves her nightgown in the child's crib so the baby remains calm. So we came with that idea, because you know the mages claim that the smell and pheromones affect elven femal-…"
"ok, I- I get it now"
Truth to be told, the Dragonslayer didn't know how to respond to this trend: to be disgusted or delighted by the way how humans can be so selfishly-considerate. But hoping for a change of heart was like expecting erotic stories to have a multithreaded plots and well developed characters. However Saskia did appreciate human's resourcefulness in lovemaking. Elves never had so many pure-blooded newborns at the same time and place for centuries, so maybe she should put a blind eye for all those orgies and shirt swapping.
"for the good of our non-human neighbours" she murmured, thanking gods she didn't need to borrow anyone's shirt.