What Her Heart Requires
Hermione scratched a heart into the wood of her desk with the point of her quill, lost in thought. Normally she wouldn't destruct school but she was confused at the moment. In the last six months her life had been turned upside down in ways she hadn't thought were possible. She was seventeen years old now and this past year had been full of so many firsts.
She'd had her first kiss.
She'd had her first broken bone.
She'd been tortured for the first time.
She'd killed for the first time.
Hermione didn't let herself think about that. The evil man deserved to die, anyway. She'd fallen in love for the first time and that was probably the most insane thing that had happened.
Professor Snape was hovering over her with a sneer, but she wasn't paying him any attention.
"Why are you defiling my desk, Miss Granger?" He hissed, causing her head to snap up. The only noticeable sign that he'd faced death was a faint puncture scar on the left side of neck. It was hard to believe she'd saved this man's life. She almost regretted it now. He knew she was upset and still had to pick on her.
"I'm sorry, sir." She whispered lowly, praying he would leave it at that. Of course he couldn't.
"Sorry? I asked why not for an apology. What is this? A heart, Miss Granger?" He taunted and that was the last straw for Hermione.
"Yes, sir, it's a heart. Not that you would know anything about them seeing as you don't even bloody well have one!" Hermione snapped coldly and was slightly amused when hurt flashed in the man's eyes.
"Leave my classroom." He shouted and Hermione let out a bitter laugh.
"Gladly." Hermione threw her stuff haphazardly into her enlarged bag and knocked over her chair in her haste to leave the room. She thought she might suffocate if she stayed any longer.
Not even three seconds after she left, remorse flooded through her. She'd saved the man's life and this was how he repaid her? But she knew he was too proud to let his feelings show through to anyone. Severus had become a friend in her mind in the last three months. Now Hermione felt stupid, because of course they weren't friends. How could they be when he was a King Slytherin and she was the Gryffindor princess?
She recalled the numerous talks they'd had and Hermione felt her eyes tear up. God forbid but she'd actually thought of Snape as a father for a moment. Hardly. He didn't want anything to do with her. She found herself wandering out to the lake. It was December but for once snow was absent from the grounds of Hogwarts. She was glad because all she had to do was charm the ground around her and she could sit comfortably and stare out into the lake's black nothingness. It was soothing in a way.
Hermione took a deep breath and glanced around the grounds, but there was no one. She was alone. It was strange because she had been alone for almost sixteen years of her life, until he came along and now she couldn't stand it. Loneliness hadn't been a problem until he left her. There was another thing she regretted, letting him go and never telling Severus about him. He would have made a sarcastic remark but at least he would have listened.
"I FOUND HER RON, BY THE LAKE." Hermione panicked when she heard Harry's deep voice yell. She grabbed her stuff and ran as fast as she could up into the castle. Harry had turned around and was confused. Hermione caught her breath and made it inside the castle before Harry could spot her.
She'd been avoiding her best friend all year. Being a seventh year they thought they would make this time count, but Hermione couldn't do that. She was too afraid of their inevitable rejection. How could they ever forgive her? She'd kept so many secrets and told so many lies.
"Miss Granger, is there a reason you're crying outside my rooms?"
Oh, dear. Why had she come here? What was wrong with her? He was angry with her and-
Severus took her arm gently and pulled her inside his rooms before anyone could see her tears. Hermione let herself be led to his sofa, one she'd sat on many times before, without a word.
Severus sat down next to her and summoned the tea. They couldn't talk without tea.
"What was that display in my classroom earlier, Hermione?"
Hermione wiped away her tears, "I'm sorry." She said. Severus rolled his eyes.
"I know you are, but I want to know why you reacted that way. You know I can't treat you any differently. The uproar would be horrendous."
She scowled, "I don't want to be treated differently. I just… it felt like you were picking on me." She said lamely.
Severus just stared at her, "I've done that in all the time we've known each other. I'm guessing there is something you aren't telling me because of the comment you made."
Hermione paled, she'd almost forgotten about it. What had possessed her to say something so horrible?
"I'm so sorry-
Severus shook her arm sharply, "I know! Obviously you of all people know I have a heart, but I want to know what you're hiding."
Hermione started to cry again. "You'll hate me."
"I can't be bothered to hate anyone, Hermione." He scoffed.
"Even the girl who slept with your Godson?" Hermione whispered and too horrified by her words, burst into tears once more.
Silence met her declaration but Hermione had expected that. She was just waiting for him to recover from the shock.
"Why did you do that? I don't believe Draco has the balls to force you." Hermione let out a laugh; because of course he would say something so inappropriate.
"Last year, he…I don't know how he did it, but I fell in love with him. Everywhere I went he was there and he listened to what I said. Harry and Ron have been wonderful friends, but they never actually listened to my ideas or what I believed in. I knew Draco was marked, I saw it, obviously. He said he had no choice and that he had to protect his mother and murder his father. I…fell for it. I was so stupid. He was just after what he couldn't have."
Severus shifted uncomfortably, "Surely you could have resisted his…charms?"
Hermione looked at him with a raised eyebrow, "Maybe, but I didn't want to because I loved him. I wanted nothing more than to sleep with him. I had no idea; I mean I didn't think he would put so much effort into sleeping with me. He waited seven long months and I never saw him impatient with me. How could he hide it so well?"
"Because, despite Draco's past, he is much smarter than anyone has ever given him credit for." Severus sounded angry.
"When did this all happen?" He continued, and Hermione swore his cheeks were pink.
"The room of requirement. I…woke up the next morning and he was gone. That was the last time I saw him for the rest of the year. I've avoided him at all costs this year. I don't understand! He… just screwed me and left! Why?" Hermione was too upset to feel embarrassed about talking to Severus about sex. It wasn't at the forefront of her mind.
"Don't be so crude." He said Hermione took one look at his face and burst into laughter.
"I can't believe this embarrasses you. Think about me!" Hermione said miserably. This was too much. She wiped away her tears again and promised herself she wouldn't cry again for the rest of the night.
"Hermione, I'm not embarrassed, I'm angry. I never suspected anything like this. I am very close to Draco, though I see now that you did not know that."
Hermione jumped to her feet, "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have come here. I don't know why I came here!"
She grabbed her bag off the sofa, but his hand caught her wrist.
"Why did you?"
Hermione bit her lip and willed the tears not to spill. She'd promised. "I don't have anyone else. Harry and Ron won't ever forgive me and they don't even know yet. I haven't spoken to them in months."
Severus's eyes widened. "Come see me next Friday after class, Hermione, I'll get some answers. I can help you sort this out. "
Before she could realize what he meant he had ushered her out the door.
Hermione stood outside his door for a moment longer, feeling very alone, until she headed to her room. Hermione should have been head girl this year, but she felt she couldn't take it, not when Draco might be headboy. It was a good thing she hadn't, because Draco had become headboy.
Ginny, Pavarti and Padma were sitting on one bed when Hermione reached her room. She saw Ginny stare at her curiously for a moment before she ducked inside her bed and closed the curtains. Ginny was harder to avoid, as she kept coming to the room she shared with Lavender, and Pavarti.
"Excuse me for a moment, girls." Ginny said and Hermione turned around when her curtains were thrown open. Ginny closed them behind her and sealed them shut and cast a silencing spell so the other girls couldn't hear.
"I want to know why the bloody hell you think you can just up and stop being my best friend and I want to know now, Hermione. I've put up with this all summer and now most of this year. When you come to the burrow-
"I won't be." Hermione blurted before she could stop herself. Ginny's eyes narrowed, "You always come for Christmas, and you have ever since third year!"
"Well, I can't this year. The…boys don't want me there." Hermione whispered. She felt horrible, especially after spending hours crying. She was too tired to deal with this.
Ginny sank down onto Hermione's bed, clutching her wand tightly.
"What did they do to you?" She asked angrily. Hermione sat down next to her. "They didn't do anything. I messed up and they cant forgive me and if you knew you wouldn't forgive me either. It's just best if we drift apart now. You can make new friends. All of you can." Hermione explained and perhaps Ginny would understand, but Hermione wasn't sure she could handle her rejection.
"Tell me what you did, Hermione. I deserve an explanation!" Ginny snapped, turning to face her. Her eyes were tearing up and that broke Hermione's decision.
"I…slept with Draco Malfoy. Willingly." Hermione's heart was racing and her face heated up. Merlin, she should have kept her mouth shut!
"Oh dear. How could you?" Ginny cried and Hermione recoiled away from her as if she'd been slapped. She'd known Ginny would react this way, but having it actually happen was still unreal.
"Go away. We're done." Hermione breathed and even though she'd promised not to cry again, tears spilled down her cheeks again. She hurriedly wiped them away, hoping Ginny wouldn't see how much she'd hurt her.
"I'm sorry, Hermione, but why did you…?"Ginny asked softly.
"Because I loved him, but he tricked me. It wasn't real. So he won, I lost everything. I don't want to hear you yell at me, so just leave and please don't tell the boys. I don't want them to hate me." Hermione sobbed.
Small arms wrapped her in a hug and Hermione cried harder. Was Ginny forgiving her?
"I am so sorry, Hermione. I wish it hadn't happened, but I don't hate you and the boys wont either. I promise." Ginny pulled back and watched as Hermione cleared away her tears.
"But what if they don't, Ginny? Ron and Harry hate Draco." Hermione said, but her voice was hoarse.
"Then I'll be there for you. You didn't have to hide this and be alone, Hermione. Did you tell anyone at all?"
"Not until today. I told Severus-
Hermione broke off, her eyes widening with panic. Ginny sighed exasperatedly.
"I'm guessing that's another secret. Why are you calling Snape by his first name? Are… you with him now?" Ginny asked without hiding her disgust.
Hermione glared at her, "I'm not a whore, Ginny. I was the one who went back and saved him during the battle. He…he's really the only adult I have in my life." Hermione could barely stand to say it, could hardly believe it was true.
Ginny frowned and crossed her arms, "What about your parents?"
Hermione couldn't believe it. They didn't know her parents were dead? She'd found their bodies two days after Harry killed Voldemort, brutalized by death eaters. The dark mark had hung in the black sky and the house was burning. They hadn't just killed her parents. They'd killed the whole street. The kids she'd grown up with. Little Kylie that was six years old and lived across the street was hanging from her bedroom window. Hermione had spent three days cleaning up the street and letting the ministry know they had to deal with the deaths. She couldn't cover up the whole thing.
How could they not know? "Ginny, my parents are dead. They were killed. Severus…he's the closest thing I have to a father now. He still doesn't like me much, but he always says, 'I cant be bother to hate anyone, Hermione.' So I guess he can tolerate me."
"Oh Hermione! I had no idea, why didn't you tell me! I could have helped you."
Hermione looked down at her feet, "I just thought I was better off alone since you would leave anyway. I'm sorry, but I had Severus. He knew what happened."
Ginny cocked her head, "Did he really not know about Malfoy?"
Hermione shook her head, "Draco's his godson."
Ginny nodded her head, not surprised, "I guess that makes since. Will you come with me please, and tell the boys. They've really missed you and Harry keeps telling everyone that you're just really busy." Ginny snickered and Hermione joined in.
"Okay, but if they get angry you have to hold them off while I make my escape." Hermione warned and they headed down to the Gryffindor common room.
Hermione felt like she was walking to her death as Ginny led her down the stairs. Harry was playing chess with Ron and they were smiling and laughing. She knew they wouldn't be in a few minutes.
"Boys?" Hermione spoke up softly. The whole room went silent and Hermione cursed herself. Why did she ever fall in love with him? Why?
"Hermione!" Ron breathed and grinned at her. Harry frowned and crossed his arms over his chest.
"You ran away this morning. You've been running away all this time. That's not the Hermione we know and love, is it?" Harry whispered and Hermione shook her head with a guttural sob.
"I'm sorry; I just didn't know how to ask you guys for help. I really messed up, guys. I'm-
Harry stood when tears started falling down her face and she was pulled into a group hug. Hermione closed her eyes and took deep breaths because finally she felt peaceful. There wasn't any nagging pain in her heart. The guilt was gone and she could breathe again.
Only now the heartbreak set in. The blonde boy everyone hated was the one she loved more than anything. She would give anything for him to love her back. Anything.
The pain rose and washed over her in waves but she never drowned, it seemed like whenever she was close something pulled her back. She could die and move on to something else, but how could she ever be anywhere where he wasn't?
It was like he was trying to kill her and save her at the same time. It was horrifying; it was like living a nightmare, except it was real. It was really happening.
Hermione woke to the sound of voices. Angry voices.
"What the hell were you thinking? That girl is…worth more than you'll ever know! Draco! Look at me!"
Hermione clenched her eyes shut and fought the urge to cry. She wanted to hear what he had to say.
"She didn't love me. It was just a relationship and I didn't want any commitment. It was…I mean I…I'm sorry."
Hermione took deep breaths, "Get the hell out of this room, Malfoy." She didn't open her eyes. She didn't want to see his face. She didn't love him? She loved him more than anything.
"Severus? Why am I in the hospital wing?"
"You fainted is what I was told. Draco, I think its best you go." Severus said softly. Hermione heard the door open and shut. Her heart restarted and she focused on breathing. In and out.
"I love him so much." She whispered and finally opened her eyes. Severus stood awkwardly next to her bed and Hermione reached out to grab his hand. He was all she had now or maybe not.
"Have Harry and Ron come by?" She hoped Ginny explained to them what happened. That would save her the pain of telling them herself.
"They were here a few hours ago. You slept about twelve hours, you know. Draco was searching for me that's why he was here. I was trying to get him to leave before you woke up. He told me everything and you left a lot out, Hermione. You're parting wasn't exactly his idea was it." Severus said gently.
"He treated me like a whore. I wasn't going to put up with it. You think I should have?" Hermione asked angrily.
"What did he say?" Severus took a seat and waited expectantly.
"He said, 'Well you were better than I thought you would be.' Isn't that sweet?" Hermione snapped, hurting all over again.
Severus sighed deeply, "I don't have any excuses for him, but you could have worked it out, you didn't have to leave him. He loves you too, you know, but he thought you hated him and that you were using him."
Hermione glared at him, "Well that's it then. I'll get over it."
"It's been months now and I would say you're exactly where you were when you both separated. Hermione, I know I'm not your father, but I feel responsible for you a lot of the time and Draco isn't a horrible person. Just a careless one, sometimes. Talk to him and see if you can work things out."
Hermione meant Severus's black eyes with worry, "I don't want to."
"I know, but you should anyway."
She closed her eyes tightly, "Okay. Where is he now?"
"I would guess his personal headboy chambers." Severus said instantly.
"If this goes horribly wrong, I'm blaming you forever." Hermione warned and climbed out of the hospital bed.
The walk to the headboy chambers was long and cold. Hermione rubbed the length of her forearms and forced herself to keep going. She'd been hurt by him once, so this time wouldn't be as bad, right? Hermione feared it would be worse.
She raised her hand and knocked on the blank door. For a few moments nothing happened, but then the door swung open and Draco stood there looking irritated. The moment he saw her standing there his irritation turned to anger.
"What do you want, Granger?" He asked impatiently. Hermione almost turned and ran all the way back to her bed, but summoned the last of her courage.
"Let me in." She said and pushed past him. Draco hurried after her, "What do you think you're doing? You can't barge in here-
Hermione paused, looking around the room in shock. It was trashed! Clothes, food, spread everywhere and on everything. She turned back to him and rolled her eyes.
"You never could clean up after yourself. Why not ask a house elf?" Hermione said with a grimace.
Draco rocked back on his heels, looking anywhere but at her. "What do you want?"
"To ask why you let me leave."
Draco's eyes snapped to hers in shock. "You didn't want me. It was just fooling around, right." He didn't sound so sure.
"No it wasn't, Draco. It was everything." Hermione whispered and stepped closer to him. He glared down at her.
"But you…you left me after…
"You treated me like a whore!" Hermione argued.
Draco turned red, "I didn't mean it like that. I didn't know what to say! I never know what to say around you." He threw up his hands and started pacing.
"How about I love you? Things would have turned out so differently." Hermione blurted.
Draco froze completely and in an instant he was pressed against her, his lips fusing with hers. Hermione let out a moan of surprise and clutched him to her tightly. She'd missed his kisses so much.
"I'm sorry about your parents. I wish you would have said something." Draco said once he pulled again. Hermione nodded sadly.
"I wish I had too. I'm sorry I didn't give you a chance. We were together for seven months and I just let it all go."
Draco stroked her hair away from her face and inhaled.
"It's okay. It all worked out and I know better now."
Hermione smiled, her heart feeling light and free, and she thought that he did know better now. That they both did.
A/N: There might be more to this. Review!