Author's note: Hello everyone who write and who read Excel Saga Fanfiction, I was reading one of your excellent works when this idea suddenly popped in my head, I hope you enjoy it!
Disclaimer: I don't own Excel Saga, although Koshi Rikudo might say I do, I own my original characters, which there will be a few of and all their connected rights belong to me...
On a personal note I really really really need to know the name of the director of the Peace Assurance Agency thingy, its important to the next chapter, I could find it easily by looking at the episodes I have of the show, but I'm lazy in that regard...
P.S. I'm new to writing slapstick comedy, so there might not be much of it in there, I'm going to try my best to make parts of this zany and wacky as the show, but I am much more used to writing serious works with death and complexish plots soooo.... we'll see how this plays out in a Excel Saga fanfiction, I hope you enjoy...
P.P.S I really don't know weaponry... I am sorry....
This is perhaps the darkest thing I have ever written... but for those truly in love with despair, you may be disapointed...
Price of Conquest
Chapter One: End
Present Day, July 5, 2003
The sewers... pools of the discombobulated dregs of society jostling about in the containment of the sickly underbelly of modern city life. The dripping water and squealing of countless rats a constant reminder of ones close proximity to this wasteland of metropolis.
ACROSS, the super secret organization for the cleansing of evil and depravity and the domination of the world, lay within this cesspool but despite this remained unchanged. The gnawing rats could be heard as well as the dripping water, but these minor annoyances seemed distant and inconsequential in the awe inspiring presence of Lord Ilpalazzo...
"Hail Ilpalazzo-sama!"
"izo..."
The loud and energetic, and alternately near death voices of his two most loyal subjects greeted the great Lord Ilpalazzo. He gazed from a report in his hands, the light from the great chandelier above reflecting off his rimless glasses as his eyes came to rest on his two agents. He snapped the report shut casting it aside as he stood, his cloak jostled by the movement floated behind him as he came down a step from his throne.
"Wari-wari ACROSS, we will achieve total domination of the world so that it may be cleansed of all its inherent depravity..."
"Hail Ilpalazzo!"
"izo..."
A large screen cascaded down from the impossible heights of the ceiling. Lord Ilpalazzo's hand shot forward billowing out his cloak to reveal a small device in his hand.
"Oh! What is our mission today Ilpalazzo-sama!? Are we watching a movie? Or going swimming in a lake of ice water? Or climbing the heights of Mt. Everest? Or flying around in space? Or preventing the great takeover of the planet by Puchulikewhatchamecallits? Or standing in the way of worldwide Microsoft takeover? Or countering some blitzkrieg style offensive? Or going for a picnic? Or harnessing the power of linseed oil? Or traveling to the pyramids? I hear they are very nice, but too hot, Could we go swimming then because its hot? Or travel to the north pole? But then it would be too cold so we'd need jackets, Can we get some jackets? But I wouldn't need them now so we would need to eat curry... but wait if we ate curry we'd get all hot so we'd have to go to the north pole, can we go to the north pole? But then we'd need jackets..."
The chattering continued in and endless verbal loop for another five minutes before the orange haired ball of wiry energy finally collapsed to the ground, "anyways, Hail Ilpalazzo!" she finished breathing heavily, her face turning a fine magenta.
"Yes..." Ilpalazzo's gaze turned from Excel to Hyatt who stood this whole time, an amazing display of fortitude that he would be sure to note. "Hyatt, the mission of which I am about to assign you is of utmost importance..."
"hai... Ilpalazzo-sa"
The Lord of ACROSS sat back in his throne in thought, "hmm, she even managed to say my name almost fully..." he stared at the blue haired princess before him for a moment, "I'll have to remember this day..."
Excel looked from one to the other in complete jealousy, "Why is Ilpalazzo-sama staring at Ha-chan so much!" her mind plagued her with images of the two of them together... "No! Ilpalazzo-sama is my Ilpalazzo-sama!"
She stood from the ground, "Hail Ilpalazzo-sama! You care about me best don't you! Because I love you more than anything! Please say you care about me most! Then we can go on dates! To the mountains, and streams, and rivers of molten lava! And that cake place down the street! And then I can get a new dress thats all frilly and sparkly like this one!"
The young Excel surrounded in sparkly dream land prancing about in a multi-piece wedding dress of sorts. "What do you think of my dress Ilpalazzo-sama!" she smiled brightly staring at her beloved through the many sparkles and roses imagining her life together with him...
Ilpalazzo stood for his part staring out at his hyperactive employee, "Excel..."
"Hai Ilpalazzo-sama!" she returned to her spunky self in her semi-revealing coat/shirtish combo.
"You mentioned before that you wanted to go swimming..." a rope unrolled from the ceiling, it swayed back and forth casting long ominous shadows on the floor and walls. Excel stared back at his unwavering gaze, apparently without noticing the accursed rope that had been etched into her memory on so many occasions, "Hai Ilpalazzo-sama!" she responded cheerfully...
"Well then..." Ilpalazzo placed his hand on the rope preparing for the slight tug required in such circumstances as this. The chandelier above flashed red. Blaring sirens, jingling bells, whooping alarms, chiming chimes, clanging metal pans, and the stomping hooves of many large animals sounded in a calamity of noise that enveloped the large cavern that was apart of ACROSS. Lord Ilpalazzo took his hand from the rope as it slowly rose back into the indiscernible heights of the ceiling, "Perhaps later..."
"Bud" "Weise" "Er"
Ilpalazzo turned to see the three enormous bullfrogs standing in the corner, "Bud" "Weise" "Er" He continued to stare at them confidently.
"umm, Tzo-sama what are those for?"
"What's going on with all the sirens and noise and blaring? Is it a nuclear war? Are we going to be destroyed? Is my pizza ready? Oh no it's right here.. Oh! It's hot, hot, hot! Too hot!" The orange haired girl downed a gallon of water, "ahhh! That's much better, but why haven't those sirens stopped and what's with those frogs, Ilpalazzo-sama!"
Ilpalazzo held up his hand for silence as the frogs continued their eulogy, "Bud" Weise" "Er", "Bud" "Weise" "E.." Ilpalazzo's eyes shot open wide as a great alligator emerged from the shadows, consuming the poor creatures in a single gulp. Lord Ilpalazzo stood, readjusting his spectacles, "Excel, Hyatt..."
"Hai Ilpalazzo!"
"tzo..."
He billowed out his cloak, "It would appear we have an intruder, he has breached our first defensive line... investigate his whereabouts and terminate him"
"Hai Ilpalazzo!" Excel dashed from her spot dragging the pure white princess at high speed, "hai, Ilpalazzo-ma"
Ilpalazzo leaned back in his chair, he removed his spectacles placing them on an arm of his throne. He tented his hands, resting them on the bridge of his nose, "She is getting better at saying my name... perhaps one day she will make a better agent than I thought possible"
"This is my chance to prove to Ilpalazzo-sama that I am the one he should care about! Oh Ilpalazzo-sama! I'll kill the intruder and then you'll like me! And we'll be friends and then more than friends and then loveydovey together, hehehehehehehhehee! Hail Ilpalazzo-sama!" she giggled childishly as she dashed at 60mph or more through the dark channels and halls of the underground organization. Hyatt flew through the air behind her, held loosely by Excel, she banged against walls and the ground, waded through dust and water, squeezed through small pipes and channels. What was enough to kill a normal person did not kill Hyatt, although she was never bettered by anything that might help a normal person achieve a normal standard of health, so in that sense it was a draw.
"We're here!" Excel called, "Though I don't know where here is? It could be some kind of missile defense silo? Or maybe a nuclear supply dump? Or an ice cream parlor?"
Hyatt's arm appeared before her, covered in various amounts of blood, dust, and ooze. "don't think... was.. ice cream..."
"heh? Why not Ha-chan?" Excel asked curiously only to see Hyatt's hand point forward, "hmm?" she leaned in closer...closer...closer...
"Umph! Ow that hurt why did I fall to the ground, could it be a national conspiracy, or what the heck is that!" Excel stared forward from the ground to see a large sign before her, "ACROSS Anti Intruder Defense Control Room" she read from the large wooden planks. In a rare move of understanding possibly of a more serious mind that was hidden deep below the hyper exterior Excel's smile widened to an almost feral grin, "We're exactly where we are supposed to be Ha-chan..." she picked herself from the floor. Dragging Hyatt from the floor, she placed her on one of two chairs that sat before a group of large monitors and a console of glittering buttons, switches, and levers. Excel, being a naturally hyperenergetic person so much so that it hurts, seemed restrained as she stared up at the six monitors. They were each split into four smaller screens representing a dizzying array of security cameras strewn about the facility in a myriad of places.
"Excel-san"
Excel snapped out of her funk as the low tones of Hyatt's voice reached her ears. She turned her head to see her partner slumped over on a console that wrapped around her chair, "What is it Ha-chan?"
"mite..." she pointed at one of the center screens, in a mammoth effort she held her arm aloft while simultaneously pressing a small red button on her panel. In a flash the screen changed to that of an iron gate, broken into many pieces, the iron bars splayed outward in all directions. The screen flashed once more to reveal a fake wall, the screen flashed to reveal a blur of darkness, the wall was reduced to white powder in an instant. Excel watched as the dust cleared to reveal a figure standing in the darkness, "Who is that? What is he doing destroying our defenses?! Why did the camera just go all fuzzy! Ha-chan What's going on!"
The screen turned to a flurry of black and white specks before flashing to an empty channel, countless gallons of sewage flowed down into a great intake at the other end. A blur of darkness came storming through the hallway just before this camera was destroyed once more, Excel was close to pulling out her hair, "Ha-chan what's that! Something's coming through! What is that! Why are the pictures going away! What's with the fuzziness! I want Ice cream! Where is my ice cream!"
"Excel-san"
Excel bounded from her chair at the sound of Hyatt's inch from the grave tone, "What is it Ha-chan? Do you know what's going on? Do you have to use the bathroom? I don't know where it is, but it might be over there... or over there? Or there? But don't yet because you have to tell me what's going on!'
"Excel-san please...press...button..."
"heh?" Excel stared down at the console before her, "which button? This one? Or this one? Or this one?"
She began wildly pressing buttons, flipping switches, and in general causing calamity throughout the entire console, labeled WEAPONS.
Throughout the expansive sewer system the rats were in a state of chaos. Weapons in all shapes and sizes, forms and makes, models and types appeared. Disrupting their normal happy dark and dank existence were lasers, great flashing lights, and flamethrowers that sprouted from the very walls, ceilings, and floors that they had come to love. A man wearing black pants, shirt, and a great black cloak strode confidently through the abundance of noise, light, and fire. Four grenades launched from the ceiling, they landed just before him exploding in a torrent of fire and rusty nails...
Excel held Hyatt's head up as they both gazed at the great conflagration before the monitor. "We got him! I think he's dead! Now I can go back to Ilpalazzo-sama and he'll say I did a good job and we'll be friends and then more than friends and then!..."
"Excel-san..."
"What is it Ha-chan? We did get him right!? He's a bloody corpse on the ground right? God Rest his Soul! Why did I say that!? I'm not religious what do I care? Oh well I said it there is nothing I can do about that now! Hail Ilpalaz!...oh"
The orange haired girl stared through the darkness to see the figure walking calmly through the smoke, his cloak flapping wildly in the breeze, his feral smile glinting in the muzzle flash of the nearest M-16 as it was cut asunder, "Too easy..."
"Ahh! How could this be!? Why isn't he dead!? Ha-chan we have only one thing left to do!"
"Excel-san?" the eternally weak woman pulled her head from the console, gazing at her far more energetic companion,
"We have to use hand to hand combat!" Excel called out, "Suit up time!"
In a flash the young woman stood in the spotlight, she dashed through a large rack of armaments, guns, knives, bombs, lasers, explosive implements, precision equipment the likes of which the world had never before seen. She emerged with three M-16s and an AK47, the guns dangling from about her neck by the straps. Ammunition hung about her in long rolls, grenades dripped from all possible sides, a pistol hung from each hip, ankle, and arm. She grasped two of the M-16s and held them before her, testing the aim, she let them fall to her chest. She brought her hands to her face pushing back her hair into a ponytail, her face looked serious as two dark lines of paint ran across her cheeks.
Hyatt looked much the same except for the fact she was standing and holding a 9mm Glock.
Excel brought two of her M-16s to her hands, "Ha-chan, let's go!"
"Hai..." she nodded weakly before bringing the gun to eye level, she brought her other hand behind it and slowly drew back the bolt...
Before the clicking sound of the weapon even reached the outer halls Excel had dashed through them, "This is my chance to prove myself! With this Ilpalazzo-sama will like me and only me..."
They stopped outside a large entryway, the various weapons and explosions still rang throughout the sewers casting their ominous shadows about. Excel's gaze shifted nervously from one corner of the channel to the next, with a flash of flame and light, a large shadow appeared down a middle channel that flowed toward them. "Ha-chan! Over there..." the orange haired girl pointed to the middle channel, she turned to see her friend nodding in understanding, "wow, Ha-chan seems full of energy today..." she couldn't help but think as her gaze returned to the sewer before her.
They stared outward as a dark blur found its way to the end of an equally dark corridor, the dark aura that surrounded him dissipated. As they watched the figure casually walked from the end of the long expanse of sewer channel, drawing ever closer to them. "Who are you! What do you want with us? Do you want to destroy ACROSS? Or are you here to destroy us? Or just Hyatt? That wouldn't be so bad maybe... at least not hard... anyway who are you?!?" Excel called out to the darkness, the figure stood a few hundred feet away. From beneath the depths of the flowing sewage waters a long chain of lights cast their light down the long channel. The figure was revealed to be a boy in his mid teens, younger perhaps than Excel and Hyatt, wrapped in a long cloak, pants, and shirt all as black as the deepest night.
He raised his head opening a set of dazzling green eyes to stare at the pair before him, "Shie..." the words emerged from his feral smile, he dashed forward revealing a great sword from his cloak as it flapped in the wind.
"Alright Hyatt! It's time to prove ourselves..." Excel brought all four of the great assault weapons she carried forward... "Hail Ilpalazzo-sama!"
With that all four of the powerful weapons blasted forward at full auto, Excel was blasted back a few inches by their combined force, her expression was set forward at the mass of smoke and light that continued forward. The cloud stopped a few yards away as the last few bullets exited her weapons, she hurled them to the ground. She turned from the scene to see Hyatt standing stoically behind her, holding her pistol casually to her side, "I think we got him! Wai! Now Ilpalazzo-sama will congratulate me and then we will be..."
"Excel-san..."
"eh? Ha-chan why are you sounding so serious? Your usually sounding dead... or are dead... or perhaps both, can you really be dead and not? Perhaps zombies... Ah! I hate zombies..."
"Excel-san"
It was then that the orange haired girl noticed her hand pointing forward, she turned to see the man standing where the cloud once was, without a scratch on him...
"Ahh!" she screamed drawing two long Magnums from her hips, "Bakemono! Youkai! Ghost! Demon! Monster!" each phrase that signified some horrific creature of the unknown was poigniated by another shot from the immense pistols. She stared in fear as each bullet came an inch from the man's chest, before deflecting around erratically, into the walls, ceiling, and floor. The last one launched forth, only to crumple in midair an inch from the man, as if it had hit a brick wall. Excel continued to press the trigger, the magnums continuing to click as she kneeled on the floor with them. The man continued to advance slowly, drawing out his broad sword.
"I'm not done yet!" Excel called out, jumping back a few yards she pulled the pins from two of her grenades. She threw both as hard as she could at the man as he continued to walk forward. The grenades bounded forward, bouncing on the concrete walkway. They reached the man as he continued his casual stroll, his gaze widened as did his feral smile. In a swift motion he brought his left hand forward, easily batting away the first grenade. Before the second grenade came close a flash of dark aura surrounded him, the grenade stopped in midair before this barrier, it bounced back. Excel followed the grenade as it twirled in the air, it bounced once on the ground before landing in her hands...
"eh!?" before she could react the grenade exploded in her hands, she was fiercely knocked to the side wall, collapsing to the ground.
"Excel-san..." Hyatt called out as loudly as she could, barely getting her voice above a normal conversation level...
The man stood on the other side of the river of sewage that separated them, he closed his eyes, his short black hair whipping about wildly as if it were caught in a breeze. He floated a few inches from the ground as the dark aura that surrounded him grew in intensity, he flew past the sewage landing gracefully on the other side. His gaze turned to the young woman laying against a column that projected from the wall. Several cuts and bruises adorned her body as it writhed on the floor, achieving a kind of sitting position against the column. Excel stared out through her shining green eyes that had lost some of their shine, her body was racked with pain from what must have been numerous internal wounds. The man approached her casually staring at her through his dazzlingly green eyes, his expression uncaring of her current condition. He went down on one knee bringing his left hand to her chin, he lifted her head up to meet his eyes, "It's good to see you again Excel..." her ears twitched painfully at the sound of his voice, it was an indescribable mixture of apathy and amusement, a voice that could laugh whilst its owner committed unspeakable crimes...
She struggled to speak, she found it difficult to open her mouth, "I don't...know..you..ahhh!" she suddenly felt a great pain race through her body, touching every aspect of her being. She tried to struggle, to move, but every movement only seemed to increase the pain... the man stood over her, watching her agony until she finally settled down laying against the column, her face a mixture of sweat, tears, and blood. Her hair matted down before her, stained a kind of orange red by the blood that continued to trickle from numerous seen and unseen wounds.
The man brought his sword forward, "Of course you don't know me... but I know you, I know you better than you know yourself, which is why I do this..."
Without a second word he brought the broadsword forward. "Ahhhhh!" Excel screamed a bloodcurdling cry in agony as the weapon pierced her chest, and then lodged itself in the wall. His broad smile turned broader as he witnessed her body go limp against the stone.
"Shie!" the man turned just as a bullet flew past his right cheek, he saw Hyatt standing weakly before him. She held onto the Glock for dear life as it rattled and bounced about as the tremors ran through her arms and hands. Her face turned even paler as she pulled the trigger for a second time, the bullet flew harmlessly into a wall some yards away. The gun fell to the ground as her knees buckled beneath her.
"Hyatt..." the man walked casually forward, "do I really have to waste time killing you?"
Hyatt, the anemic alien princess with long blue hair, lay against the ground, "no...I..sup...not.."
She cried out feebly as a sword plunged through her neck. The man pulled the blood soaked weapon from her wiping it off with a flick in the other direction, "I just have to be sure you won't wake up again, Hyatt-san"
The man looked back at the young woman with orange hair, "I suppose you still have some life left to live... Excel, don't die until I see papa once more, give me at least that much..."
He smiled ferally, a dark laugh filled the sewers as he departed from the scene. Throughout the sewers life seemed to grow darker, as the blood streamed through it of two good hearted people...
Ilpalazzo-sama took his glasses from the throne where he had left them, "they have been gone too long... even for Excel this is embarrassing"
"If it is okasan you are looking for you won't have to wait long, otosan"
An unfamiliar voice rang through the cavernous throne room, Ilpalazzo didn't turn around, "You seem to have me confused with someone else, my name is Ilpalazzo-sama"
"Oh, I don't think I am mistaken, mainly because my name is Naraku Ilpalazzo"
Ilpalazzo turned swiftly, his cloak billowing in the sudden breeze, he held a revolver in both hands. He stared briefly into the bright green eyes of the boy who stood before him, "I do not know you, or how you managed to breach our defenses, but ACROSS will triumph..." he shot off two quick shots,
He witnessed the barrier of darkness appear around Naraku, the bullets swerved erratically to either side. The great Lord Ilpalazzo grit his teeth as he tossed the revolver to the ground.
Naraku smiled broadly as he stared at Ilpalazzo, "I know you don't know me, but get ready anyway!" he drew his broad sword dashing forward up the few stairs between him and his prey, "Shie!" he cried out as he brought his sword down...
Clank! The great wave of sound blasted through the great throne room as metal clashed against metal. Ilpalazzo stood, holding a great broadsword almost identical to that that Naraku wielded. His arms shook against the force of the attack, before he brought his arms forth with all his strength, knocking Naraku back...
The man stood a few yards from Ilpalazzo breathing heavily, "I see you have the kind of strength I would expect from a younger you..."
Ilpalazzo gazed down at the man, "you say strange things that make no sense to me, it will be a pleasure to rid myself of you..."
Naraku stared up at him before he buckled to the ground, "ah! I can feel it now... I guess Ma couldn't hold out... I can feel it... it's as if my whole life is disappearing before it ever was..."
Ilpalazzo stared at Naraku, as before his very eyes he seemed to crumple into insanity, he laughed insanely as he grasped his sword. He stared upward madly at Ilpalazzo, he lifted his left hand, Ilpalazzo could feel the sword wrench from his hand as it lodged itself in the wall behind him....
"One more thing to do now, one more thing!" Naraku raised from the ground, he launched himself forward at great speed. Ilpalazzo could feel the point bury itself within him, he lurched forward, blood trickling from his mouth as he struggled to breathe.
Naraku pushed his sword from him as he fell to the ground, he stared from the wound in his chest to the man who stared down at him. Blood dripped from his sword as he dropped it to the ground. He fell to the floor as tears fell down his face, "it's finally over... finally... all of you are dead, and my life can finally end!" his cries were followed by a peal of laughter that seemed to shake the whole world to its foundations. He lifted his gaze to the sky as the dark energy surrounded him, the darkness grew darker and more intense as it spread out beyond him, beyond the city, to the final expanses of the universe. All was consumed in darkness, and in the end all ceased to exist.
It is in this way that the story begins with its end. In time to come what has transpired here will come to be known, and the future, the past, and all that transpired to reach this point will be revealed for all to see...
---------------
Chapter One: End end
Very Very dark fic for me to write, but I hope you enjoyed it, I wrote this out of a whim within me, that started from reading an interesting fanfiction regarding the rape of Excel by Ilpalazzo.
I hope you all enjoyed it thusfar, I'm not sure whether I will continue it, I probably will... but no one can truthfully be sure what the future holds... anyway I should mention this involves the ExcelxIlpalazzo pairing, although it probably won't be rape...
anyways...
Next Up! Chapter Two: Mission Start