Disclaimer: I am not J.K. Rowling (damn).

Setting: Some time after POA.

A/N: Out of canon cause I refuse to kill Sirius.

Remus,

I love you. Know that above all things. I will always love you. But for the longest time now I have felt like I am breaking apart. Falling into shards of dull glass. I have tried so hard to hold together for you, for us. But I know now that I cannot stay. I cannot continue the way I am now.

That night when they died I realised how fragile life is, and how I've been ignoring the way things truly are. To lose them was the start of an avalanche of understanding within me. It felt like I'd finally recognised that something was broken inside me and that it had been broken for years.

It was my denial of that recognition, fed by my revenge of their deaths, that led me to the dark. I was so caught up in those feelings that I forgot to think. I forgot to consider the consequences of my actions. The pain it would cause me not to have you by my side every night. Not to see your smile, or be able to touch your skin. Not to feel your kiss or caress.

I lost more than my sanity in the dark, I lost everything I'd ever been. The man I am now, now that I've come back, is not the man who fell in love with you. Who you fell in love with. You knew that, and yet you still welcomed me back with open arms. Even at my worst you did reject me. You made me believe that the darkness had no hold over me.

You have helped me stay whole for so long now. But in my heart I know I have been cheating you of what you truly deserve. You need someone who is whole, not broken. Not a shadow of a man you once loved. The years you waited should not have been. I know that now.

That one night of loss did more damage to me than all those years. In the dark I knew the damage had already been done.

All those times I have turned away from you, know that it was not to hurt you but to save you from my lack of reaction. I can not feel anything now like I used to. Even my love for you does not feel the same as it once did.

So I'm sorry, but I have to go. I cannot hold on to the shards any longer. I cannot continue lying to you at every moment. I want to love you like I once did. But that has been taken from me. I am broken inside, and nothing can heal that. The wounds go too deep for spells or love.

Please forgive my reticence. I did not mean to wait so long to tell you. I only hoped that the distance would fade with time. That we could go back to what we had before. Before their deaths. Before our world was broken, and my soul with it.

Do not blame yourself, I know you will try to. Don't. This is not your fault, you were never to blame. It could never be you. It never will be. I wish this could be different, I wish I didn't have to write this. But I am world weary and only hope that I can rest easy.

Never forget that I love you. I will miss you with every breath I take, every beat of my heart.

I love you.

Sirius.

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