Title: Dance amongst the fireflies.
Author: darkwolf5
Spoilers: all episodes aired (to be safe. Mainly series 5), set directly after the most recent.
Rating: Hard R/Nc-17 (Just to be safe...)
Wordcount: Around 2,000-ish words
Pairings/characters: Dean/Cas, sam
Warnings: Angst, attempted suicide, tiny mentions of drug use, and a tincey bit of homemade poetry.
A/N:I needed to write something after episode 5.14. It was meant to be shorter.
Summary: Dean is broken, Cas is there for him, and Sam says yes. How the future came to be, in short little bursts of writing.
A/N2: I can't believe how much the last episode affected me, TV NEVER affects me, not at all, I don't think I've ever cried at it before. Except in Bambi but that's beside the point. I think my heart cracked in two when Dean was there all broken and and and *bursts into tears again* So this is a place to pour it onto paper. I think I accidentally wrote something meaningful. I should never write poetry but I needed a divider between the sections...I had to re-watch the last scene of 5.14 and episode 5.04 about a billion times to keep the emotion going. I think I broke myself. Wrote this at about 1.00 am so I blame all mistakes on that. Read on to see if there's a happy ending or not ;). I tried to get a friend to read through it but they haven't got the time so I really have no idea of the quality of this story, and I am not very good at seeing whether something I have written is good or not so uh, constructive criticism is very welcome.
Dance amongst fireflies.
Dance amongst the fireflies.
Weep for your loss,
Bury it deep where the emptiness hides.
"I need some help...Please." No one comes, no one ever comes. His mother isn't here to sing him lullabies or hey Jude anymore, her voice isn't there to sooth him to sleep, dad isn't here to tell him to keep strong and keep going. And then there was Jo, and Ellen and...He is running out of the people he cares about so fast it hurts or...it should hurt it should hurt so much he can't walk or breathe or bare to keep going except...it doesn't, how can he be hurt by what he is already numb to. He wants to scream at the heavens to help he wants to get angry and break something, a window, a car, a face, anything just to feel. He thinks for a second about breaking himself then laughs bitterly. He doesn't need to; someone else has done it for him. Somewhere in a basement far from prying eyes Castiel weeps for the hunter, for Dean, because he can see his sorrow, feels it in his bones, and for a small moment Castiel thinks all is lost. Dean isn't dead inside just broken, and broken things can be fixed. Castiel just doesn't know how.
Let the angel fall from grace,
And dance among the fireflies,
Let their brightness stain your eyes,
Let them burn away your sins.
Dean stands high up the sea roaring below him. His eyes burn in the wind and tears well up at the corners. He contemplates his two options, jump and let it all be over or say yes. He is shocked to find neither option really bothers him much. Once he would have been sickened or angry or both now he just feels a slight twist of guilt in his gut and the urge to jump. He wonders for a second whether he should even bother saying no anymore, it's not like he'll live to see the consequences, his body maybe, but not him, and he doesn't care what Michael says, because he'll be damned if he trusts the bastard. He knows Castiel is there when a hand touches his shoulder, warm and comforting. The angel doesn't say anything just waits patiently, questioningly. Dean nods and Castiel takes him back to another crappy motel room, Sammy isn't there, he doesn't really hang around Dean much since he lost hope. The hunter wishes he'd jumped because really, why shouldn't he. He knows somewhere in his heart that the future he had been trying so hard to avoid is quickly becoming reality.
When the darkness claims your soul,
And you drown in darker thoughts,
Dance amongst the fireflies,
Listen to the angel's song,
A twisted lullaby of sleep.
Sam says yes to Lucifer on a warm summers evening. It's not when Zacharias's future predicted or where, they've changed enough to make sure of that, but it's worse because Dean is there. Sammy looks at him, and dean sees he is broken too, it doesn't hurt, nothing does anymore and he isn't sure whether it's because he has detached himself or just because he can't hurt. His brother says sorry and then he says yes. Dean doesn't try to stop him, because he doesn't know how to anymore, and hell that scares him, when had he and Sammy grown so apart? Lucifer looks at Dean for a long time, a mock look of pity on his face. "So sad" He laughs quietly and then he is gone too, along with Sam. Dean falls to his knees on the hard, cold concrete and sobs. He opens his mouth to say yes but a warm hand presses over it. Castiel tilts his head, blue eyes sorrowful, so deep Dean feels like he's drowning in them and he can't stand it. Dean struggles to get away but Castiel drags him close and holds the hunter in his arms. Deans gives up and presses his face into Castiel's neck. "I can't." The words are barely a whisper. The reply is simple."I know..." They don't speak for a long time after that. Dean wonders how much more quickly he would've given up without Cas.
Dance among the fireflies,
They dance like fallen stars around you,
Let blood seep into cold ground,
And listen as sleep claims you.
Dean attempts suicide seriously for the first time in a grungy motel bathroom. He doesn't know any other way to feel alive other than when he's dying. He has thrown himself from hunt to hunt, battled against all odds, but Lucifer still wins, he really does. Dean breathes deeply. He knows he shouldn't be doing this. Castiel needs him now, just as much as he needs the angel. He feels strongly for Cas its one of the few things he has left, yet it's so distant he can't bear to call it love. He thinks this numbness can't last forever, and thinks he understands why Cas started the drugs. He pulls the knife down his wrist in a swift fluid motion, the blood is warm against his skin, he feels, but before he can take the knife to his opposite arm Cas is there, just as he always is at times like this, he looks tired and his hair is flat, his trench coat has a tear in it, the angel doesn't have mojo spare to fix it and Dean feels terrible for doing this, making Cas come, draining his grace even more. Cas throws him against the wall away from the knife and pins him there, he presses a towel against the wound to stem the blood flow, Dean can do nothing but keep it in place. Castiel finds what he needs in the hunters bag, stitches and bandages Dean's arm using his grace to dull the pain, and far too soon for Deans liking it is time for him to go. The angel places a soft kiss on the hunter's lips, and Deans stomach does a back flip, Cas has never kissed him before. When Castiel tries to leave nothing happens. Cas becomes human before he can find god. The angel gives Dean back his pendant.
Break the cage bars and tear away the pain,
Drown yourself in all you can,
Pleasure and pain and all that you can feel,
Human confines burn your skin,
As you dance amongst fireflies.
The first time they make love it's not what Dean expects. He expects loving tender romance and rose petals and all of the things best suited in a chick-flick, and hell, it might have happened a long time ago, when Cas was still an angel. It starts off with a kiss, then another and then Castiel is pushing him onto a bed. It's not slow and it's not romantic, it's need and lust and it's fast and rough and neither of them can stop. It is dean though, who flips them over, it's Dean who ends up inside Cas, who relishes in the noises the other man makes as he pushes slowly inside. The ex angel writhes underneath him and Dean feels and it's amazing, every noise Cas makes drive him wild. It is body against body, grasping hands and hungry kisses. It doesn't take long for them to come, Castiel tensing around him and for a moment he forgets the apocalypse and all that exists is him and Cas . It is Cas who whispers I love you when they curl up together afterwards, seeking as much comfort as either of them can gain from this, Dean knows he isn't meant to hear it, he can't say it back anyway. That night the Croatoan virus spreads everywhere, it's the night Cas loses faith.
Is there any way to stop this fall,
Into perditions grasp,
Is there a way to quell the pain,
When nightmares plague your thoughts,
Night falls as you dance amongst the fireflies.
When he sends Cas and the others to their death he doesn't feel guilty, he doesn't really feel anything anymore and he doesn't give a damn anyway. He doesn't expect to kill the devil, not really and its better this way, for them to die without having to know he failed, that all was lost. He knows Cas understood, even though he didn't question it. He never could say no to Dean. The devil dies that evening, turns out if the colt was used with Ruby's knife its far more effective. He says his goodbyes to Sam and walks away, he doesn't look back. When he finds Cas the angel is the only one left the room is full of bodies. Relief floods Dean and he recoils slightly because he hadn't expected it. It's been a long while since any emotion has hit the surface. Cas speaks quietly. "It's over?" There is blood seeping through his shirt, Dean looks into Cas's eyes for the first time in months, and sees something he never believed would appear again. Hope. Dean gives a half smile because there's a hell of a lot of anger and betrayal there too and that doesn't really give room for joy. "Yea...I guess it is..." And it is oh fuck it is. Cas looks like He's about to say something but Dean doesn't care because it's finally over, He falls down like a puppet whose strings have been cut, the emotion that's been dwelling locked way for god knows how long bubbles over and he falls into Cas's arms and just sobs and sobs and sobs. The ex-angel looks shocked, but doesn't push Dean away. He just wraps has arms around the hunter, like he used to, and holds him tight. Cas buries his face in Deans hair and breathes in deeply. He has missed this so much; no amount of drugs, no amount of sex could ever fill the hole in his heart where Dean used to be. It takes Castiel a little while to realise he is crying too.
Is there hope here where it is dark?
Is there time for belief and faith?
Can the past be forgotten?
Can the future be started anew?
Dance amongst the fireflies
And you may find hope yet.
Dean and Castiel sit on the hood of the impala. Dean wants to fix her when they get the chance, restore her, he doesn't know how he let her get this bad in the first place. He doesn't know how he let a lot of things get this bad. Maybe one day they can fix themselves to. Its early morning, and it's still dark, the breeze is cool against Dean's face, a swarm of fireflies floats past, dean swats at them in annoyance, but as the sun rises they blink out of existence. The sky fills with oranges and salmon pinks edged by velvet blue and black. The Croatoan virus left with Lucifer, they have time to do this now. Warm fingers intertwine with his and warm blue eyes meet green, Dean smiles and Cas smiles back. He doesn't smell of smoke anymore, he's kicking the habit, all the habits, or trying too. Dean thinks maybe things will turn out alright after all, and for the first time in what seems like forever, he is hopeful too. "They're coming back..." Cas mumbles it quietly leaning into Dean. The hunter nods nervously before asking the question he dreads the answer too. "Will you be going back to heaven with them?" Castiel doesn't answer for a while and then sighs. "Maybe..." Dean's stomach lurches and he opens his mouth to say something but Cas cuts him off. "But I'll always come back." Dean smiles. "Love you Cas." The angel freezes against Dean then relaxes. "I love you to Dean." They are silent after that; they sit in the warm sun fingers intertwined Castiel leaning into the hunter. For the time being there both as close to happy as they can get.
END
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