Fun House

The door swung open with a loud bang as a gust of wind and a tornado of snow billowed into the doorway. I shivered as I stepped through the door frame and shut it quietly behind me. The howling noise of wind stopped instantly. I brushed off fallen snowflakes from my shoulders and hair and kicked the snow off my boots. The room was dark, and smelled of dank wood. It was different than the earthy smell of soil and bug bedding. This building was definitely not Agitha's anymore.

I stood in a dimly lit room, the same red ambience from outside lit the area. To my left was a shabby looking counter with an old silver bell and some miscellaneous papers scattered on top. Straight ahead of me was a pair of swinging doors, the open space underneath was obstructed by a hanging black cloth that was nailed crudely to the frame. Behind the door I heard raucous laughter and the faint smell of strong liquor. Perfect.

My footsteps creaked against the loud wooden floorboards as I made my way to the counter. Despite being inside, it was still freezing. My cheeks stung and my nose ached. There wasn't a fireplace in this oddly plain room. The walls were dark and the woodwork was morphed and rotting. My eyes soaked in the surrounding area as they grazed about the room. No photographs or tapestries on the wall. A poorly crafted wooden chair sat behind the counter and an unattended cup of Hylian black coffee sat forgotten in the corner. Drips of brown liquid laced the papers on the desk and counter and leaked out of the side of the cup. Messy…Then, plain as day, there was a sign in the corner that read, "Please Ring Bell For Assistance".

I picked up the cracked silver bell tentatively and swung it back in forth like a pendulum. The bell inside clanged against the silver and made a tiny jingling noise. At first nothing, and then a ruckus from behind the black veil.

A frightened teenage girl stepped from behind the black curtain. Her small bony fingers struggled to tie the strings of a skimpy pink robe around her waist. She was barefoot and disheveled looking. Her long brown hair hung in a messy ponytail with many strands lying loosely against her face. Her eyes grew as big as saucers when she saw me.

"Nayru! You nearly scared the whole damn place. What, with those bothersome guards sticking their noses in here and whatnot." She untied her robe and let its thin material separate to reveal a pair ginormous knockers mashed up together like a pair of angry melons. She straightened her posture and stuck out her chest haughtily. "Wait, you're not a part of the guard are you?..." she self-consciously folded her arms over her breasts as she eyed the sword that hung by my waist.

"Well…" I paused. Technically I was part of the guard. Best not to say it. "No, I'm not." My eyes glanced to her chest almost like a reflex.

She caught me staring and unfolded her arms slowly. "Then you needn't ring the bell. You must be new here. The bell is more of a… precautionary thing." I nodded my head in a slow agreement as I tried to peer beyond the black curtain. "Do you know where you're at sweetie? If you'd like, I can show you around." She bit her lip provocatively and batted her eyelashes at me.

"Whore house. Red light I get it. And no, I want someone a bit…fresher." I said as I eyed her ruffled hair and lopsided boobs. Her playful kitty cat face turned as if she had just drank sour milk.

She heaved her shoulders and sighed heavily. "Well let's fucking go then because it's cold in here." She slinked behind the black curtain and I followed like a stray dog that had just been given a bone. "Since this isn't your first time in a fun house, I'm sure you know the standard rules. We don't double up on girls and we don't have any homosexual males…." She turned a watchful eye on me as she said this. The lighting was better in here and I could see her face for clearer. For a young face she looked rather matured. When she talked I could see lines of concern, worry, and in her eyes was a dead, tired look.

She continued babbling about the rules and I tuned her out as I looked around the area. This was definitely not Agitha's anymore. The golden bug tree was gone and the hole from where it had been was covered with a cheap south eastern rug. The room was colored a deep crimson red and paper lanterns hung decoratively from the ceiling in an uneven pattern. Whoever decorated this place was not concerned about the overall appearance. Everything was placed haphazardly and looked disorganized. The building had been renovated since I was last here. More rooms were added and black curtains hung in the place of doors. This room still smelled like the dank wood. It was also had a hint of sweat mixed with sex and diluted with the numerous perfumes of the various girls in the house.

"If you need me at all, my name is Lettice. Can I get you a drink?" she finished her talking and my ears twitched excitedly as I heard the word drink. Of course that wasn't the only reason I came here, I liked the company of a beautiful woman just as well. I just liked to be a little sauced when meeting strangers.

"Ahh…whatcha got?" I licked my lips. Two brunettes giggled as they passed by. A thud sounded from the upstairs room.

"We have wine, ale, or if you want something really strong my dad supplies the moonshine for this place. We also have kava extract to numb your senses, but that will cost you." I tried not to grimace when she mentioned her father. Tough times for everybody apparently. A rupee was a rupee.

"Moonshine, and mix the kava in with it. Do you have any redheads?" I slipped off the outer coat I was wearing and a petite half-naked blonde came scurrying over to grab it before I had even fully removed it.

"Kili. She's on our upstairs unit so she's a bit pricier. Is that ok?" The same petite blonde haired woman sauntered over to me and handed me a mug. The light brown liquid sloshed about in the exchange and I already felt more at ease. I took a sip and it burned instantly down my throat. Bitter, pungent, and very potent.

"Sounds perfect. And keep these things coming. Add more kava next time." She made a face at my request. Kava tasted like absolute shit. It was an earthy, damp kind of herb. You can't smoke it but you can make an extract from it. It tastes harsh and bitter and has a vicious after taste. I like it though, it numbs the body without clouding the mind. I prefer the woozy buzzing of alcohol for my mind.

Lattice led me upstairs. I had odd ghostly memories of Agitha as we walked around her abandoned home. Her living area upstairs had been completely renovated. Instead of one large living space it was sectioned off rooms, organized by color and sizes. All her little trinkets and collectables and bug artifacts were gone. They were replaced by cheap wall-hangings and cheaply made trinkets that a shady traveling salesman would peddle.

The hallway stretched out and then turned right to reveal another halfway and another curve right. These hallways had more of a purple light to match the dark almost black walls. Lattice did not go down the entirety of the horseshoe shaped passage, she stopped short in the middle of the second one at a closed door frame. She placed her fingers on the doorknob and turned it shyly as she ushered me inside. "Kila will be right with you." She whispered cunningly as she winked and ducked behind the door.

A freshly washed bedspread stood to the right on a waist high bed. I tried not to take notice of how much the mattress had been sunken and worn in. I took another big gulp of the mixture and shook my head as it bit at my throat. I turned and caught my reflection in the mirror by the bed. It looked flat, as it usually did. My hair lay flat and unkempt against my face. I needed a haircut, I couldn't remember the last time I had seen the barber. The blonde hairs tickled and obstructed my eyesight. I pushed it over to the side and then felt silly for trying to impress a woman I was paying for. My eyes looked a dull azure color and my face looked pale and taunt. Deep circles underneath my eye sockets, I hadn't been sleeping well lately. Nightmares again… I laughed at the reflection and it sneered back at me. "Fuck you." I hazily mumbled. I took another great swig and finished the rest of my drink.

I felt the buzz of the alcohol instantly. I felt light headedness and the strange giddy enlightened feeling that only alcohol can bring. The kava hadn't kicked in yet, it usually took a couple minutes. As the ice swirled around in my cup, the door opened and I saw a wave of red hair sweep into the door. I felt a jab at my stomach, but that's what I get for picking redheads all the time.

Her face was turned away from me as she went to close the door behind her. In her left free hand stood another drink for me and a wet cloth for cleaning up afterwards. I sat down in the lone chair in the corner trying to make myself comfortable. Its material had once been plush was now hard and worn out. I felt jittery and tapped my foot continually as she situated herself.

Her fiery red hair hung a little past her collarbone in tight springy curls and lay loosely around her cheeks. She was wearing a very thin, translucent looking negligee that covered only half of her buttocks. The other half peeked out playfully, a creamy milk white color that jiggled when she stepped.

"Would you like the light off?" her voice was smooth and sultry. She glided across the room and placed the drink in my hand. Her chest was covered still by a thin piece of material. Her nipples poked out of the cloth playfully. Something down below throbbed, along with my arm. I took another drink, ignoring the itchy skin on my hand.

I nodded slowly as the kick of alcohol ran down my throat. The extract was starting to kick in finally. My legs felt numb and heavy, my arms relaxed and slow, my groin itched and tingled in a sick twisted sort of way. The alcohol was starting to blur my thoughts and make things seem fuzzy and fun. She blew out all but one candle and sauntered over to the chair. My legs were spread at this point and my lips were curved up in a perverse, animalistic smile. I looked at her clearly for the first time. Pale, milky skin, flushed cheeks, a cherub shaped face and pouty pink lips. Her eyes were brooding and amber in color. Something about her looked familiar… I grabbed the negligee to get a look at the rest.

She gasped and let out a tiny giggle as she puffed out her chest for me. She placed her arms around my neck and I pulled them down forcefully. She looked startled but I ignored her and continued to untie the string between her breasts. I shoved off the material heatedly and a look of self-consciousness crossed her round face. She caught my gaze and went to remove her undergarments as well. I smacked her arms away again and she looked at me abashed, as she awkwardly shuffled her arms back to her side. Her breasts were perky and supple. I grabbed one firmly and she let out a slight moan as I squeezed. Her moan didn't faze me. I could never tell if they were real at these kinds of places. The alcohol buzzed through me freely now as my groin pulsated and throbbed. My subconscious mind screamed dirty. My other side said to forget about it.

I squeezed again harder and pulled at her red hair. I felt nothing in doing so. It wouldn't ever be what I wanted to feel. She bit her lip and laughed in a nervously as she thrust her body into mine. I felt slightly annoyed and let go of her hair. I forced her panties off and she gasped in mock pleasure and/or surprise. It was a slight disappointment. She was unshaven and unkempt and her lips dangled a little too low for my liking, she giggled as I slipped her onto the bed. She grabbed my hand in delight, and instantly it pulsated as if on cue.

Instantly she stopped giggling. Her body that had once been so willing and pressing against mine, suddenly became rigid and stiff. The ditzy dumb broad look disappeared from her face and suddenly, underneath all the make-up and newly developed adult body was Kili. I thought I had recognized the name but it had been so long along. Kili used to hang outside the Star Academy booth with two of her friends. She had been a little girl then…the tingling sensation from my penis abruptly stopped and fell soft. She stared at me with the same abashed expression.

"Oh my Din! It's you! It's you Link! Oh I had the biggest crush on you and now you see me like this? Oh my goddesses!" she fumbled quickly to put on her meager clothes. I couldn't help but look at her boobs as they knocked back in forth as she pushed them into the cloth. I downed the rest of the drink.

Her face turned from embarrassment, to shock, to happiness all in one sitting. "Everyone thought you weren't going to come back. Were you out looking for the intruders? There have been so many rumors since you've been gone. The king hasn't been telling us anything and Princess Zelda doesn't talk to the public anymore. And what is happening to your arm? Is that a sign?" The happy spark in her eye soon faded as she gazed at the glowing symbol on my hand. It shined brightly in the dark and demanded attention.

"It's something." I was in no mood to sugar coat anything. I had been wondering why it acting up so profusely the past couple of weeks, I suspected danger myself. My tone was rather morose and I saw her face sink in disappointment.

"So the rumors are true." She said slowly as she sat down at the edge of the bed. It had only been a few years since I had last seen her, but she looked much older than she actually was. Her eyes were deep and sunken with worry and her lips were rigid and strained. "The one about the dragons." He eyes looked wide and fearful.

I positioned myself in a more composed posture. I had heard nothing of any dragons before. I had only been gone from Hyrule for a few weeks. What was happening out here? Part of me didn't care to know, the other part begged for information. "What's the rumors about the dragons?" I prodded, feeling awkward. I wasn't used to having conversations with these kinds of girls.

"They say someone has brought them back. There have been rumors of sightings beyond the realm of Hyrule. Out west, past Death Mountain and over the sea. They say they come bearing sickness and death with them. A curse of some sort." Her voice was soft as she fiddled with her fingers nervously as if afraid to speak. Even though my mind was still strumming with alcohol, I focused in on her words.

I had only seen one dragon in my life. It was a small one up in the Sky City. It was a Nardobrear, the flame winged dragon. It was very young and half demented however. I had only heard stories of the monstrous dragons of seas and stars. In fact no one had seen a dragon for centuries. People suspected they were extinct.

"And people are saying they are back?"

"People are scared." She stammered. "Your hand is glowing and Hyrule is already beginning to show signs of the dark age. This has been our longest winter to date. Our bridges are crumbling, the royal kingdom is no longer informing their people. There is so much crime here, and thieves and people are turning against each other." She sighed heavily and relaxed a little bit. "But you'll save us again? Won't you?" her voice was cheerful, but I heard the doubt as well. After all we were sitting together in this brothel. I'm sure the hope she had for me was dwindling quickly.

I went to prod her further but suddenly a bang resounded from downstairs. I heard the shrieking of several girls and instinctively I grabbed the hilt of my sword and stood up suddenly. The sudden change in elevation made my head rush as I took a stumbling step forward. Kili sat there frozen in shock as I ambled out the door.

I pushed my way through the hallway and had to catch myself against the wall. I was feeling the full effect of the potent concoction from earlier. My vision was blurred and hazy, the kava weighing me down like lead blocks as I stepped. Another thud from downstairs and angry shrieks of girls. A man's voice sounded out and I was surprised when I heard my name.

I lowered my grip on the sword when my vision came into focus. It's weight pulled it down heavily to my side. My shoulder leaned with it. At the end of the hallway stood one of Zelda's decorated servants. I recognized the embroidered Hylian markings anywhere.

He was an older gentlemen and he glared at me with a twisted frown. His eyes were bugged eyed and mortified as he avoided eye contact with every naked female there. Kili came running out of the room to see what was going on.

"Uh hem hem…" he cleared his throat aggressively as he stared me down. "Are you Link?" I stared at him blankly as he gazed at the sword in my right arm. The symbol in my hand pulsed again. He gazed upon in in wonderment as I struggled to gain composure. He shot me a disgusted look when he saw the state I was in and clicked his tongue in disapproval.

"The princess requests you're arrival at the castle immediately. I suggest you get your things and leave." I said nothing and stared at him with dead eyes. I sheathed the sword back into its casing and it made a sharp shink noise.

I stepped around him, and he glared at me once more as he waved awkwardly goodbye to the women. I grabbed my coat from downstairs and waved adieu to the girls before stepping out. They chatted excitedly and I heard them gossiping.

When the door shut I heard them scurrying about and talking in hushed tones.

"That was really Link." Kili said astounded as she walked down the creaking steps.

"Was he any good?" Lattice asked boredly as she picked at a nail. The girls who weren't working crowded around the door in a huddle, whispering excitedly. Kili tipped her head, wondering if she had been able to see anything through his pants. Her lips parted as if to say something, and then she quickly snapped her jaw back shut.

"I guess I'll never know." Kili sighed.

"Did he even pay you? Was that even him?" Lattice snorted as she closed the black flap that seperated them from the fake front office.

"Aye it was him. I'd recognize that face anywhere. And come to think of it...he didn't. Some hero of Hyrule." Kili shook her head and snuck away back to her bed chambers to await the next customer. Times were tough...for everyone.