The Wrath of Mr. Woofy!
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Disclaimer: We don't own these characters. However, Yezo does own Mr. Woofy. Please, if you want to use him in your 'fic (so, if you fall out of a tree and sustain severe head trauma), please ask for permission first. ^_^ Or else, our fake-armour-wearin' penguin lawyer will sue you. He isn't a real lawyer, but his armour (and his little webbed feet) is real! ^_^
Just kidding. And now that we've left you fearing what this story may hold, read on! ^_^
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Chapter 1 – Who Can Tell the Motives of a Madman?
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It was a lovely, sunny day deep in the bowels of the barren wasteland that is the future. Bunnies were not bounding all over the place, the last bunny having been eradicated from the earth fifteen years ago.
There were plenty of rats, and if one had been truly insistent about having a bunny, one could glue a pair of plastic ears onto a rat and have a sort of makeshift pseudo-bunny, but it is almost certain that neither the rat nor the child to whom the pseudo-bunny was presented would have thanked you. It is not commonly known, but still very prevalent in scientific thought, that rats have no desire to be bunnies.
At any rate, all of this is beside the point...which has been quite forgotten beneath an avalanche of silliness.
Let us get this story back on track, shall we? Fun as it may be, meandering side-rhetoric does not a tale make.
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"Hmm...another one of those bunnies," Captain Power noted. "We should get Mentor to check this out. I'm pretty sure bunnies haven't existed for at least fourteen years."
"Fifteen," Hawk corrected.
Scout blinked.
"Well, then, what was that?" he demanded, gesturing toward the pseudo-bunny. "Some sort of...rat...with plastic bunny ears glued on?"
"What a crazy idea!" Hawk scoffed. "Surely the rats would have been eradicated along with the bunnies! Don't you remember the great woodland creature purge of 2133?"
Scout frowned.
"Was that when Dread ordered all 'cute, fwuffy wittle' creature destroyed because he had one too many kids leave the Dread Youth in the pursuit of bunnies?"
"Now, that's a motivation I never thought of," Pilot reflected briefly before snapping back into character...or not. "Hey, wait a minute! I thought they left because they were human scum working against the glory and perfection of the machine!"
"You've really gotta stop believing everything you hear," Hawk sighed.
"Hey, who won the Superbowl that year?" Scout asked, scratching his head.
"There was no Superbowl that year," Hawk scoffed. "He eradicated all the football players the previous year."
"You know, after I was genetically engineered, I figured I could make some money playing football. But after the eradication of all sports figures, fighting Dread in a suit of armour seems like a much more comfortable way to make a living," Tank sighed.
"Plus, why would you want to make money in a system where it has no value?" Scout asked.
"I like the pretty colours," Tank replied seriously.
"So, why would Dread bother to eradicate all the football players?" Hawk asked.
"Who can tell the motives of a madman?" Captain Power asked, stopping and striking a dramatic pose.
"Uh, sane people?" Hawk suggested.
"Well…yeah, but…oh, forget it. My moment's gone. Now. Were we out here for a reason?"
"I thought we were just out on patrol," Tank said.
"Patrolling is very important," Scout added, nodding. "And besides, it beats doing the laundry."
They all nodded thoughtfully, recalling the importance of laundry day, particularly for a group of people who lived constantly in one set of clothes. Then, with a frown, Tank spoke up.
"Since when have you ever done the laundry?" he demanded. "It's always me."
"You're the only one with two sets of clothes," Scout protested.
"Don't we all technically have two sets of clothes?" Hawk asked. "We could all just wear our Power Suits while we're doing laundry."
"Well! Now that we've solved that complex issue, can we move on? Let's just go on our random mission that will never be fully explained, because it is only being used to set up today's odd happenings, or 'plot,' if you will, and no one will remember it after the fact anyway."
Hawk, Tank, Scout, and Pilot shrugged.
"Okay," Hawk agreed. "So, should we split up into two groups for no reason aside from the fact that that way Blastarr AND Soaron can come after us?"
"Sounds good!" Power agreed. "Tank, why don't you come with me, and Hawk, Scout, and Pilot, you go...do something else. Go...investigate that building or something."
"O-kay!" the three shouted happily, skipping off in a dramatic lapse of characterization, neither the first nor the last.
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"Hehehe!" Benny the Loser-Overunit giggled, tiptoeing out of the abandoned video store. "This is one of Lord Dread's most brilliant schemes ever!"
"I do not have schemes!" Lord Dread bellowed from Volcaina, thus showing off his amazing lung – or rather, speaker – capacity. "I have plans that will serve to bring glory to the machine, creating a gleaming world of perfection and order! I am not some rampaging Scooby Doo villain who will be thwarted by a group of five misfits! At least, I hope not," he finished, glancing about him nervously.
"Hey, are we misfits?" Captain Power wondered from somewhere else entirely.
"Could be, Jon," Hawk replied, despite having been sent with the other group, and thus being nowhere near either Jon or Lord Dread. "Could be."
"There! You see?" Dread demanded triumphantly.
"Yes, My Lord Dread," Benny agreed meekly despite the fact that he didn't see at all. Really, he should get around to cutting his bangs one of these days...
"Is the item secure?"
"It is, my lord. They won't know the darkest evils they have stumbled upon!" Benny laughed.
"I have told you before, it is not the way of evil," Lord Dread said snippily. "The way of the machine is perfection. The way of the organics must be eradicated. Their way is the way of evil."
"Yeah!" Benny cheered. "Machines! Whoo!"
"Er, yes. Thank-you, Benny, who is designated Loser-Overunit."
Beaming proudly, Benny continued to tiptoe away, just as the front door of the abandoned video store creaked open, and then proceeded to fall of the hinges and land on Pilot, who rather resented this.
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"Tank, you need to watch your strength," Hawk sighed.
"Tank's with the other group," Pilot informed him from under the door. "Ow, by the way."
"Oh, right. Hawk, watch your strength!" Hawk admonished.
"Uh...you ARE Hawk," Scout reminded him gently.
"Oh, right," Hawk laughed sheepishly. "Hey, look! A video store!"
"An abandoned video store?" Scout asked.
"Yeah, as opposed to the other kind," Hawk laughed. "The fully staffed video store."
"Hey, you never know," Scout said defensively.
"Well, tell you what. Why don't we ask the clerk behind the counter over there if this is an abandoned video store or a fully staffed video store? Uh, sir?" Hawk called. "Sir? Hey, sir? I guess that answers that."
"Uh...guys? There's still a door on me! Guys? Oh, forget it," Pilot sighed. "I hate men. I think Dread was onto something with his whole 'eradication of all organics' deal."
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"Hey, look at this one," Scout called to Hawk, holding up a video box. "It looks good."
"We're looking for Bio-Mechs," Hawk said severely. "We're not here to rent a flick."
"Y'know, we probably wouldn't have to pay the rental fees," Scout said thoughtfully, leaning against the counter, the rotting wood of which promptly gave way to deposit him on the floor. "Ouch."
Hawk wheeled on the younger man.
"I don't like the way this world is headed when humans are stealing from other humans."
"And it's such a nice world otherwise," Pilot called from the doorway.
"Just look for Bio-Mechs, you two," Hawk said wearily.
"Great! I'll just get right on that. Well, there are none under this door with me."
"I'm serious, Hawk!" Scout said. "You should check this flick out! It's about a sea of faceless automatons commanded by a bionic man who hates life, and the heroes who rise up against him!"
"What's it called?" Hawk asked absently.
"Star Wars!" Scout replied.
"Sounds dull. I watch movies to escape reality," Hawk said. "Why don't we get this one? 'The Wizard of Oz'."
"Are there any Bio-Mechs in it?" Scout asked. "Because I thought that was why we were here."
"No, no Bio-Mechs, unless you count that tin fellow," Hawk replied, completely missing the point. "But it does have a sequel. See? 'The Return to Oz.'"
"Yeah? Well, this 'Star Wars' one has two sequels! And three prequels!"
"Wasn't the third prequel really bad?"
"Yeah," Scout agreed sadly. "When George Lucas died unexpectedly in that pudding accident, they really shouldn't have handed the reigns over to David Lynch. 'Episode Three: Jar-Jar's Velvet Peaks'," he read, shaking his head. "And what's with all the donuts and coffee? And look! Padme's wrapped in plastic!"
"She's dead," Hawk noted.
"They're all dead, Hawk," Scout said gently. "Every single person in this movie is dead."
"I know," Hawk said through gritted teeth. "Now, can we please look for Bio-Mechs? And get this movie? I want to follow the yellow brick road. Follow the yellow brick road. Follow, follow, follow, follow, follow the yellow brick road."
"I'm off to watch the Star Wars!" Scout sang in reply.
"If only this door was a little heavier, I'd be dead, and I wouldn't have to listen to them singing," Pilot said wistfully.
"Hey!" the booming voice of Tank exclaimed from outside the shop. "What are you doing under the door, Pilot?"
"I can't feel my legs," she noted curiously.
Both Scout and Hawk stared strangely at the door for a time. Then Scout picked up another video.
"'Mad Max'," he read before chucking the video over his shoulder. "'Escape from New York', 'Escape from L.A.', 'Escape from Pitsburgh', 'Terminator 5', 'Planet of the Apes'."
"I hate those documentaries," Hawk scoffed. "Those people don't know how lucky they had it! I'd trade my wings for a planet ruled by apes. At least apes know how to treat people decent!"
"It's okay, Hawk," Scout said soothingly. "I know you miss the time when people were still all apes."
Hawk glared.
"Get stuffed!"
"In the meantime, this door hasn't moved itself," Tank shouted to them.
The next instant, the crack of splintering wood rent the air, and a shower of wood-shavings drifted down upon the barren wasteland that is the future.
"Well, I'm off again," Tank announced, sauntering away. Then he frowned. "Why did I come back here, anyway?"
"It's a video store," Hawk replied. "Everyone loves a good flick!"
"Actually, it was the cries of 'help, help, I'm under a door,'" he informed his friend. "But I don't know where they came from. While the Captain is taking care of whatever it is he does while off camera, I must go find their source and free the poor soul trapped beneath a door!"
And so, off he went.
"Hey, Pilot, if you're out from under the door, get in here!" Hawk called.
"Why? So I can look at movies with you?" she sighed, rolling her eyes.
"Yeah! We found the adult section!" Scout said jubilantly
"No kidding," she agreed, shaking her head sadly at one poster and the rather too round...feminine wiles portrayed thereby. "This is where the origin of the implantation process began. Oh, what fools these humans were!" Then she looked at Scout and Hawk, fascinated by the racks of…well, racks. "Are."
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Meanwhile, elsewhere...
"But who can tell the motives of a madman?" Captain Power quoted. "Oh, yeah. That's gold, Jonny! Who? Who can tell the motives? Of a madman? Who, I ask you? Can you? Is it our place to question the motives of a madman? Am I talking to myself? Where is everybody?
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"So...what is it?" Scout asked slowly as the three crowded around the tiny object on the floor of the abandoned video shop.
"Best I can figure, it's some type of mechanical canine," Hawk shrugged.
"Those Dread bastards," Scout hissed. "Dehumanizing everything! Even tiny puppy-dogs. That thing is evil. Evil! Evil!"
"I think it's cute!" Pilot said, abandoning all characterization yet again and huggling the tiny fuzzy creature.
"Hey, wait a second! It's one of those flippy-dogs!" Hawk noted delightedly. "You know, Jon used to have one of those. His father gave it to him on his fifteenth birthday."
"Fifteenth?" Scout and Pilot repeated incredulously.
"Hey, it was the best Stuart could manage. By then all the car dealerships had been eradicated from the earth."
"Damn you, Dread," Scout said viciously. "Because of you, I never got to drive a pimpin' rod!"
"Would you stop using that archaic slang?" Hawk requested, glaring. "Anyway, that wasn't Dread. You see, it seems a lot of people were getting a little annoyed with the dishonesty of the used car places. A couple of hijacked bombs later, there wasn't a one to be found on the earth. Except in parts of rural Montana. So, anyway, what do you think? Should we take the puppy back with us?"
"No way! It's evil!" Scout exclaimed. "How do we know that it isn't going to turn on us?"
"Hey, look," Pilot said, peering closely at something. "It's got a tag. 'Hi! My name is Mr. Woofy,'" she read. "'Cute, aren't I?' Heehee! Yeah...Oh, wait, there's something on the back. 'I also have no intention of turning on you. Honest! Heh-heh-heh.'"
"See, Scout? The tag even said so!" Hawk said soothingly, completely missing the little mechanical eyes of the toy shifting nervously from side to side.
Scout gripped Hawk by the shirt.
"And how do I know you're not one of them?"
"Scout," Pilot said nervously, prying the young man's fingers from the older man's shirt, "did you forget to take your pills again?"
"Can't...breathe..." Hawk choked.
"Right, right, sorry," Scout sighed. "I'm sure the dog is harmless. Harmless in a ruthlessly evil kind of way!"
"Great," Hawk sighed, dusting himself off. "Now, let's get going. If we leave Jon on his own for too long, he gets all dramatic."
"But I still want a movie!" Scout whined.
"Oh, just grab something from the bargain bin! Geez! And leave a fiver on the counter," Hawk added.
"Alright. I'll be out in a second," Scout called as Hawk and Pilot left. "Heh-heh-heh…now I'll just grab a bag, load in all these Star Wars movies, and maybe a couple others…"
He reached for the box lying nearest to his hand.
"What do we have here?"
He examined the box for a moment, and then, with a shriek of terror, bolted from the video store, leaving in his wake the only remaining copy of 'Cube'.
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Meanwhile, a gigantic meteor, summoned by a tall guy with cool white hair in a long black coat, with an immensely cool eight-foot sword, landed on Soaron, who, predictably, was blown into a gadzillion pieces, give or take twelve.
"Blastarr!" Lord Dread barked, shoving a tube of adhesive at the large robot. "Here is a tube of crazy-glue. Go and piece Soaron back together."
"Why do we not just wait for him to regenerate?"
"Silence, fool!" Dread howled. "Do my bidding or taste my wrath!"
"'Kay," Blastarr grumbled. "But I want to shoot stuff."
"Oh, very well, my child. You may shoot stuff. But just random rock formations, which may or may not have Captain Power or one of his team of soldiers...of the future," he added grudgingly, " – hiding behind it."
"Hooray," Blastarr cheered tonelessly, rolling away.
"Now I need two more minions," Lord Dread reflected. "To substitute for Blastarr and Soaron for a while. Temps, if you will. Using my highly advanced brain, and with the help of Overmind, I will randomly select two people."
He thought very carefully, then wandered over to the large glowing sphere in the middle of the room.
"Overmind, I need your guidance," he called.
"What is it, meat-thing?" Overmind asked in a voice remarkably like Tim Curry's. "I am busy playing Spider Solitaire."
"Hey!" Dread protested. "I am mostly machine! More machine than man, surely."
"Fine, robo-thing," Overmind sighed. "What guidance do you require?"
"Tell me who I ought to appoint my temporary minions."
"Appoint the overunit who is called Benny Loser."
"Him?! He's a loser!"
"Which is, believe it or not, how he acquired his name. And...as for the other one, just pull out some random child. Perhaps one who has held a guest star role in the past, simply because it might be nice to see a familiar face."
"Yes. I will do this. Benny the Loser Overunit and Erin the Random Girl!" he barked into the speaker on his wall. "I call you before me now."
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"Eep!" Benny eeped. "I must have messed up on the flippy-dog thing! I'll be digitized for sure! This really sucks!"
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"..." said Erin, the random girl that some of us may recall from past...adventures. 'I wonder if this has anything to do with the last time I guest-starred,' she thought, as excessive talking for these nice young people of the Dread Youth is rather frowned upon. 'Funny...I had planned to make a daring escape before now. Oh, well. Maybe this Benny guy will want to come with me,' she concluded in a stunning and silent display of foreshadowing.
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"Hey, Jon, we found you a present!" Hawk called happily, Mr. Woofy tucked under his arm as he, Scout, and Pilot approached the little ship doo-hickey.
"You're not going to throw another block of cement at me, are you?" Captain Power asked suspiciously.
"Uh...no," Hawk assured him, laughing nervously as he tossed aside the hunk of cement in his other hand.
"Ow!" Scout shrieked as the cement block landed on his foot. He glowered resentfully. "I'll bet that damn devil dog made him do that," he muttered to Pilot.
"Actually, we have another present for you!" Hawk announced happily, holding out the little furry brown shape. "Here!"
"Is that...a bunny-rat?" Power asked, scratching his head.
"No way! Those are too damn hard to catch!" Hawk laughed.
"Ow! Get this thing off of me!" Tank bellowed, shaking his arm, a bunny-rat firmly attached by the teeth.
"So, what is it?" Jon asked, holding it gingerly by the ears.
"It's a flippy-dog!" Hawk said. "Remember the last one you had?"
"Oh, yeah! Billy-Boy! I remember Billy-Boy! He was great!"
Jon sighed, eyes growing shiny with happy memories. He shook his head, laughing as he continued.
"He'd walk a little, and he'd bark, and then he'd do a flip! And then, he'd do it again! It was great! I could spend hours watching that thing!"
"Wow. Someone's easily entertained," Scout commented to Pilot.
"Oh, right. And the guy who's willing to watch six videos of Star Wars isn't?" she scoffed.
"Hey, Lucas has a good view of women's proper place in the galaxy! They are to be love interests and damsels."
She looked up sharply.
"Oh, really. Hey, let's talk for a second…"
[Caution: violent scene deleted for your protection]
"Ow..." Scout whimpered, lying mangled and bleeding on the ground.
"Whoa!" Hawk exclaimed. "Scout's mangled and bleeding! Go clean up, boy!"
"Can I do it when we get back to the base?" Scout asked weakly.
"Sure. Speaking of which, should we get going so we don't keep providing an easy target for whatever enemies might be roaming about, looking for us?" Hawk suggested.
"Stupid enemies," Captain Power spat. "You'll never separate me from my flippy-dog!"
He glanced up to see everyone staring oddly at him.
"What?"
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End Notes: Well, here it is. The revised version of Chapter 1. We had this crazy urge to make it suck less. We think it's better now. Without the porno shop. ^_^