Random parody ideas I came up with. Memoirs of a Geisha is one of those movies that I don't think is the greatest, with the historical inaccuracies and all, but for some reason I like watching it anyways... Enjoy! (Warning: Memoirs may not be in chronological order.)
TAKE ONE:
(Cue sweeping shots of beautifully epic Japanese and Californian landscapes)
NARRATOR SAYURI: A story like mine should never be told... so therefore I won't tell it, and in doing so, what could have become two hours of historical inaccuracy comes to an end in two minutes.
TAKE TWO:
NARRATOR SAYURI: A story like mine should never be told... so why the hell am I mentioning it?! Anyways, I certainly wasn't born to the life of a geisha, I only got so far with a combination of healthy determination, some rather unhealthy obsession, and a fair dose of random crappy fate and contrived coincidences. But then again, that can go for anyone's life.
TAKE THREE:
NARRATOR SAYURI: A story like mine... is the story of a beautiful girl who found love after much hardship... so therefore, even though it shouldn't be told, it has been told thousands of times for thousands of years. The only difference is that this is the story of a gerontophile Japanese girl portrayed by a Chinese actress who lives in an alternate version of Kyoto which for some reason is located in California. That, plus her father is Iroh from Avatar: The Last Airbender. So that makes it a completely new and different kind of romance story, so whether it should be told or not, I am telling it, god dammit! So, shall we get on with the story? Once upon a time...
TAKE ONE:
(Chiyo finds Satsu at the brothel)
CHIYO: Satsu! Satsu, I've finally found you! I've missed you so much! I hate that okiya they dropped me off at. Everyone is so mean to me! Let's run away together, tonight!
SATSU: Oh, Chiyo, I'm so sorry you don't like it there, but there's nothing I can do. I actually like my job here. I have three good meals a day and a nice place to sleep. Sure, the men that come by here are kind of old and ugly, and sometimes I question my safety, but we can't have everything we want in life, can we? (Satsu smiles creepily)
CHIYO: O_O
TAKE TWO:
CHIYO: Satsu! Satsu, I've missed you! Let's run away together and go home! It'll take quite a while, but surely it will be fun! We can have camp-outs and tell spooky ghost stories, see the sights of Japan and California, I can buy a flute so we can have music on the way, and if we travel the forest paths, maybe we'll run into spirits! We can ride on dragons, forest spirits, buses that look like cats...
TAKE THREE:
CHIYO: Satsu, let's run away together, tonight!
SATSU: No, Chiyo! If we run away together and go home, you will never become a geisha and the title of this movie will have no meaning! I know we'll never be able to see each other again, but it's a sacrifice we need to make in order to keep the plot going. Do you understand, Chiyo?
CHIYO: Yes... I must fulfill my destiny as the Avata- I mean, Geisha of Gion.
TAKE ONE:
(Chiyo cries on a bridge. The chairman walks by.)
CHAIRMAN: Why are you so sad, child? It's such a beautiful day, and it will look even more beautiful with a smile.
CHIYO: (smiles)
CHAIRMAN: That's the way! How be I buy you some shaved ice? Here's a crap-load of money too...
CHIYO: (thinks) Wow... If I stand by a bridge and cry, nice men will give me presents and money! If I do this every day from now on, not only will I be set for life in no time, but I will shorten this movie by nearly an hour and a half!
TAKE TWO:
CHAIRMAN: Are you alright, little girl? Is there anything I can do to help?
CHIYO: Sniff... No...
CHAIRMAN: Oh... Okay then. Bye-bye!
(Chiyo continues to cry)
TAKE THREE:
CHAIRMAN: (Listens to Chiyo explaining her plight) Well, Chiyo, I'd like to adopt you, I really would, but I already have enough children. And I can't raise you to be my mistress because that would just make my whole family feel awkward around you. Do you mind if I leave now and come back into your life when you are of legal age?
TAKE FOUR:
CHAIRMAN: How did you come by such surprising eyes?
CHIYO: My mother gave them to me.
CHAIRMAN: O_O You mean she took her eyes out of her sockets and put them in yours?!
TAKE FIVE:
CHIYO: Boo hoo... Boo hoo... sniff
CHAIRMAN: Shut up, you little brat!
TAKE SIX:
CHAIRMAN: It is too pretty a day to be so unhappy...
CHAIRMAN'S WIFE: Dear! (Slaps him) What did I tell you about flirting with strange little blue-eyed girls crying on a bridge...?!
That's all for now! I'll upload some more later...