A/N: I seem to be on a bit of a Marauders streak lately. What can I say, I love Jily! (Sorry my last fic was so awful to them, I tried to be a little kinder this time. Not sure I succeeded.) Please R/R, and enjoy! (This fic was written for two challenges/competitions, the prompts for which are listed at the bottom so as to avoid spoilers.)
All My Stars
It was a particularly fine spring morning. Sunlight shimmered down from the enchanted ceiling of the Great Hall in golden beams, forming sparkling pools on the floor and tables. The sky was a dazzling blue, so bright and clear that it resembled the crystalline surface of the lake outside. Though James knew he wasn't really outside, he could almost feel the gentle warmth of the sun on his neck as he sat down between Peter and Sirius, elbowing the latter aside to make more room. Remus, nose buried in the Daily Prophet, paid him no attention.
"Morning," James said cheerfully, reaching for the pumpkin juice.
"Someone's in a good mood," said Sirius, raising an eyebrow. "You and Evans finally seal the deal last night?"
James choked. "No," he spluttered, juice dribbling down his chin. "What would make you think that?"
"Well, you were getting pretty cozy in the common room," Peter said, waggling his eyebrows.
"We were just talking!" said James, feeling his face grow hot. Sirius and Peter grinned at each other; James scowled at them. "Oh, get your minds out of the gutter, both of you," he said irritably, applying liberal amounts of jam to his toast.
Sirius gave a bark of laughter. "All right, then, what were you talking about?"
James's face grew hotter. "Just…stuff."
"Ooooh," said Peter, leaning forward. "Stuff. Sounds—"
"Sexy," Sirius declared. James slammed his head on the table. Thankfully, he was spared any more discussion on the subject by Remus, who sighed as he folded up his paper.
"Three more disappearances in the last week," he said heavily, staring down at his untouched eggs. "It's getting worse."
"Oh, don't be such a spoilsport, Moony," said Sirius. He reached over and deftly plucked the paper out of Remus's hand.
"Sirius!" Remus made to grab it, but Sirius crumpled it up and tossed it over his shoulder.
"There," said Sirius, dusting off his hands. "Now stop being such a worrywart and eat your breakfast."
"Forgive me if I think it's important to keep up with the news," said Remus crossly.
"Sure it is," Sirius said airily. "Just not during breakfast. You'll drive yourself mad reading about all this horrible stuff on an empty stomach." He pushed Remus's plate towards him. "Eat. You'll feel better."
Remus sighed and took a small bite of his eggs. Sirius smiled, looking satisfied.
"What's got you in such a good mood, then, Padfoot?" said James, taking a bite of his toast.
"He's already had three cups of coffee," said Peter.
"Three and a half!" Sirius said cheerfully, raising his cup to them. "I'm trying to break a record."
"The only record you'll be breaking at this rate is how quickly someone can wet themselves," said James, laughing.
"Peter's already got me beat on that one," Sirius said.
Peter flushed a deep red. "I don't wet myself!" he said shrilly.
"Only joking, Wormtail," said Sirius, patting him on the shoulder. He drained his cup and reached for the coffeepot, pouring himself another.
"Right, whose idea was this?" said James slightly apprehensively as he watched Sirius gulp down the drink.
"Marlene's," said Peter. He scooched a little away from Sirius, who had begun to twitch slightly. "I'm fairly sure she was joking, though—"
"She was not!" said Sirius, slamming his cup down. "She bet me that I couldn't drink twelve cups of coffee before our first class. Said the most she's ever done is eleven."
"What do you get if you win?" James asked.
Sirius grinned. "A kiss."
James rolled his eyes. "You know there's no way she's following through on that, right?"
"That's what I said," Peter muttered.
"Well, we'll see," said Sirius, sitting up straight in his chair. Marlene and Lily had just walked in together, giggling over something. "Oi! McKinnon!"
She pursed her lips as she and Lily approached the others. Lily grinned at James; he grinned back, feeling himself flush slightly.
"What do you want, Black?" Marlene said, putting her hands on her hips.
He swallowed another cup of coffee. "That's six!" he declared, waving his cup at her; what little liquid remained in the cup flew out of it and splattered Peter.
"Six…what?" said Marlene, looking slightly disturbed.
"Six cups of coffee!" said Sirius triumphantly. His eye twitched; Marlene took a step back. "That's halfway, and I'll be damned if I don't get my prize at the end of all this!" He poured himself another cup of coffee; the cup clattered against the saucer as he lifted it with trembling hands. "You had better prepare those lips, McKinnon, 'cause you've got one hell of a kiss coming at you."
Marlene made a face and took great care to sit on the other side of the table, as far away from Sirius as possible. Lily, giggling, sat beside her and winked at James.
"Charming, Padfoot," James snorted. "Here, let me show you how it's done." He leaned across the table, looking deeply into Lily's eyes. "I quite enjoyed our chat yesterday, Miss Evans," he said in a low, sultry voice. "I do look forward to having another one sometime."
She blushed, grinning madly. "Why, Mr. Potter, I never took you for such a charmer," she said, flipping her hair over her shoulder. James grinned, leaning forward and kissing her. Sirius made a gagging sound behind him.
"That's hardly fair, anyway," he said as James pulled back, smiling widely. "Considering she agreed to be your girlfriend, her standards have to be low." Lily stuck her tongue out at Sirius, but James hardly noticed. He felt as if he were glowing at the sound of the word girlfriend. They had only made it official a couple of weeks ago, and yet he still found himself shell-shocked by the novelty of it. He made eye contact with Lily; he could see that she was just as happy about it as he was.
"How would you know, Black?" said Marlene loftily. "According to the gossip, you've never had a girlfriend who lasted longer than a week."
"All by design, love," said Sirius, draining another cup. He appeared to be vibrating now. "Besides, I think you'll find that a week is more than enough with me," he added, winking at her. She made a noise of disgust and turned her attention to a large plate of kippers that had just refilled itself.
At that moment, a soft fluttering noise reached James's ears. He looked up as a tawny owl swooped into the Great Hall and dove toward their table. He jerked back as it landed heavily between the kippers and toast, sticking out its leg to Lily.
"Artemis?" she said, sounding surprised. "What are you doing here?"
"You weren't expecting her?" said James, glancing at the owl as Lily untied the scroll of paper bound to her leg.
"No," said Lily. Artemis gave her an affectionate peck on the finger before letting out a weary hoot and taking off again. "I didn't even realize she was gone." She unfurled the scroll; her lips parted slightly.
"What is it?" James asked, leaning forward to look.
"It's from Petunia," said Lily, staring at the envelope in shock. "I don't remember the last time she sent me anything." She picked up her unused butter knife and slit the envelope open, pulling out the letter.
"Eight!" Sirius announced, thrusting his cup into the air triumphantly. "I hope you're ready, McKinnon—"
"Sirius, for the love of Merlin, stop!" said Marlene, looking appalled as Sirius reached for the coffeepot again.
"I agree," said Remus, looking slightly worried. "You're shaking like a leaf, Padfoot."
"I'm getting that kiss," Sirius said, jabbing a finger at Marlene. "You promised."
"I didn't think you'd be stupid enough to actually follow through!" Marlene spluttered.
"Lily," said James, watching her closely, "are you okay?" She was staring down at the letter; it shook slightly in her hand. "Lily," James said again, reaching out to her.
She stood up abruptly, letting the letter fall from her hands. James was shocked to see that her eyes were filled with tears. Without a word, she turned and dashed out of the hall.
"What—?" said James, staring after her, dumbfounded. He reached across the table and picked up the letter.
"What's going on?" said Sirius, abandoning his cup to peer over James's shoulder. James ignored him, poring over the letter.
Lily—
I thought you ought to know that Mum and Dad have recently passed away. They caught a severe chill and passed within hours of each other, after a weeklong battle. I was lucky enough to avoid the illness, and have now moved in with my fiancé. Not that you care at all. But I'll be selling the house within the next few months, so I just thought I should tell you not to come back here. The funeral is Saturday the twenty-fourth at one o'clock, if you can pull yourself away from that freak school of yours long enough to say goodbye.
-Petunia
"Oh, shit," said Sirius quietly.
"What is it?" said Marlene, seizing up the letter. Remus and Peter crowded around her to read it.
James stood up. He bent low so that only Sirius could hear him. "The map," he muttered. "Give me the map."
Sirius reached into his robes and surreptitiously handed over a folded piece of parchment. "Tell her I'm sorry," he said, all joking manner gone.
James nodded tightly, stuffed the map into his robes, and hurried out of the Great Hall after Lily. Once in the Entrance Hall, he ducked behind a suit of armor, pulled out the parchment, and tapped it with his wand, muttering, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."
Ink spiraled out from the tip of his wand, revealing the Marauder's Map. James's eyes skimmed over it quickly, searching—there. With a murmur of "Mischief managed," James folded up the map and set off after Lily.
He found her on the second floor, in a hidden passage concealed behind a tapestry. He had shown it to her himself, only a few weeks ago. She was sitting on a bench halfway down the corridor, knees drawn up to her chest and head tucked low. Her shoulders were shaking.
Cautiously, James approached, his footsteps echoing off the stone floor. Lily looked up; her face was damp with tears. "How did you find me?" she said thickly.
He sat down next to her. Then, a little awkwardly, he put his arm around her. She leaned into him, seemingly instinctively. "Lils, I'm so sorry," he said softly.
She gave a tiny sob. A tear slid down her cheek. "Yeah. Thanks."
"And…I'm sorry about your sister. That letter was awful," James said.
Lily shook her head. "I know she doesn't mean any of it," she murmured, sounding more as if she were trying to convince herself than James. "She's just upset."
"I know," said James, though he privately thought she meant every word. "I'm still sorry." Tentatively, he took her hand, weaving his fingers between hers. "What can I do to help?"
"I don't know." She straightened slowly, wiping away her tears as she let out a long breath. "I think…I want to be alone for a while."
"Oh," said James. He couldn't help but feel a little dejected. "Are you sure?"
"Yeah," said Lily, avoiding his gaze. "I just need some space."
"Okay," James said, standing up. He squeezed her hand. "But if you need me, I'm always here for you."
She nodded. James released her hand.
"See you in class," she said, without looking at him.
He hesitated. "I can tell Professor Sprout…"
"No." She sounded decisive. "I'll be there."
"Okay," said James again. He turned to leave; then, on an impulse, he turned back. "Lily, I—"
"I know," she said wearily. "You're sorry."
James watched her for a moment, the words teetering on the edge of his tongue. "Yeah," he said finally, swallowing them back. "I'm sorry."
He turned away again, this time leaving her behind and heading back down the corridor. His heart seemed to be constricting around the words—but he couldn't say them to her, not now. Regardless of anything that had happened last night, she didn't need to deal with this right now. She was going through enough.
He sighed as he moved the tapestry aside and emerged on the main corridor of the second floor. Half of him wanted to turn back, and gather Lily up into his arms, and tell her he would never leave her. The other half (the one that often spoke in Remus's voice) told him that it was a bad idea, and that he should respect Lily's wishes. Still, he didn't like the idea of leaving her there alone, crying—but he would see her in class, and be able to keep an eye on her and make sure she was okay.
Except Lily never showed up for Herbology, nor for Transfiguration after. As they sat down in Potions, James and the others shared a worried look.
"Where is our dear Miss Evans?" said Professor Slughorn, looking up from his roll sheet.
"She's, er…indisposed, sir," said James quickly.
Professor Slughorn surveyed him. "Not ill, I hope?" he said, sounding concerned.
"No, sir," James said. He shifted uncomfortably. "She…got some bad news this morning." Out of the corner of his eye, James saw Snape lift his head very slightly. James bit his lip. "Could I speak with you after class?"
"Certainly, certainly," said Slughorn, looking troubled. "In any case—yes, today we shall be brewing the Volubilis potion. Books out, then. You'll find the instructions on page 492…"
James was hardly paying attention throughout the lesson, and as a result, ended up with a thick black sludge at the bottom of his cauldron rather than the smooth, buttery yellow liquid it was meant to be. Mumbling a hurried apology to Slughorn, he vanished the contents of his cauldron just as the bell rang. He hastily tossed his things into his bag and stood up.
"I'll find you later," he muttered to the others. They nodded, filing out with the rest of the class; James noticed Snape lingering slightly at the door. Their eyes locked; James held his gaze until Snape dropped it, hurrying out and shutting the door behind him.
"So," said Slughorn, turning to James. "Is Miss Evans all right?"
"Not really, sir," said James. He explained the situation; by the end of it, Slughorn's brow was furrowed.
"Oh, dear," he murmured. "Poor Lily."
"I'll make sure she gets the homework and everything," said James quickly. "I just wanted to let you know what was going on."
"Nonsense," said Slughorn, waving a hand. "She'll be exempt from the coursework until she feels ready to come back, of course. We may have to have a few make-up classes to prepare her for her N.E.W.T.s, but tell her she should take all the time she needs."
"Yes, sir," said James, gathering up his things. "Thank you."
"Give her my condolences, won't you?" Slughorn called after him as he made for the door.
James nodded and ducked out, hoisting his bag onto his shoulder.
Five minutes later, he sped into the Great Hall; a quick scan of the Gryffindor table told him that Lily wasn't there. The knot of worry in his stomach grew.
"Still no sign of her?" he said in an undertone as he sat down beside Peter.
Sirius shook his head. "Marlene's gone to check on her. There she is," he added, glancing toward the entrance. James's heart swooped as he followed Sirius's gaze—but Marlene was alone, hurrying toward them.
"She won't come down," she said worriedly, tossing her bag onto the bench and sitting beside it. "I think she's been crying all morning. She just kept saying she wanted to be alone."
"Maybe we should go check on her," Peter said, biting his nails nervously.
"Well, if she said she wanted to be alone…" said Remus uncertainly.
James let the conversation fade to a murmur in the background. Lily had never been the type to shut everyone out; it was something he had always liked about her, that she wore her heart on her sleeve. So if she was refusing to talk to anyone, she had to be really upset. On some level, James thought he understood; but, then, maybe it was something you couldn't ever understand until you had experienced it yourself. Still, perhaps he could offer her some comfort. But if she really wanted to be alone…
"No," he said aloud.
"What?" said Remus.
James stood up. "I'm not letting her sit up there all alone. She shouldn't have to—she shouldn't be alone right now." He swung his bag onto his shoulder. "I'll meet you in class."
"Wait!" Sirius called after him. "How are you going to get into her dorm?"
"I'll figure something out," said James decisively, striding out of the Great Hall. He headed straight for the staircase—but before he had even put one foot on it, someone grabbed his arm and yanked him sideways, pulling him into the shadow behind the staircase. James let out a yell, reaching for his wand.
"Don't," said a sharp, familiar voice in his ear. "I just want to talk."
James jerked away, whirling to face the person who had grabbed him. "Snape," he growled. "What the hell do you want?"
Snape peered at him in the darkness, his beady black eyes piercing James's. "What's going on with Lily?" he said without preamble.
James blinked, taken aback. "Why should you care?" he said derisively.
Snape seized James's arm. "Don't toy with me, Potter," he snapped. "I want to know what's going on."
"Why should you care?" James repeated, enunciating clearly.
"Because I—" Snape swallowed. "She was my friend. I'm worried about her, okay?" He looked as if he hated to be saying those words, especially to James.
"Well," said James, wrenching his arm out of Snape's grip. "She's not your friend. Not anymore." He shouldered Snape aside, moving back into the light. "And the next time you grab me like that, you'd better be ready to duel, Snivellus." With that, he turned away, stalking up the staircase and leaving Snape behind in the shadows.
By the time he reached the Fat Lady, all thoughts of Snape had exited his mind, leaving only a slight anxiety over what he was going to say to Lily. He tried to shove this away, too, determined not to take no for an answer. He hurriedly gave the password to the Fat Lady ("Vermillious") and stepped inside the common room.
It was nearly deserted, save for a few fifth-years feverishly studying for their O.W.L.s. James strode over to the girls' dormitory with a confidence he didn't quite feel, and, crossing his fingers in the pocket of his robe, opened the door and began to climb the staircase.
He made it to the sixth step before a loud wailing sound split the air, and the steps transformed into a smooth stone slide.
"No, no, no—"
James toppled over backward, rolling down the slide and landing in a heap at the bottom. The few people in the common room snickered.
Face reddening, James detangled himself from his robes and got to his feet, wincing slightly. "Great," he muttered to no one in particular. He folded his arms as he examined the slide; it looked deceptively harmless, but having once seen it eject a step and fling Sirius across the room, he had no desire to attempt climbing it. Still, it had been worth a shot. With a long sigh, he settled himself at the bottom of the slide to wait.
The minutes ticked by; eventually, the common room emptied as the fifth-years headed to class. James remained at the foot of the slide, even as it turned back into steps, and began to doze slightly. It was very cozy in the common room, with the fire crackling gently…
"James?"
He jerked awake. Somehow he had managed to fall asleep against the wall. He tried to focus his vision; standing in front of him were a very familiar pair of legs.
"Lily!" he said, scrambling to his feet. He was aware of how rumpled he must look; hastily, he tried to pull his robes straight and fix his hair. Lily watched him with an apathetic look. "When did you—I mean—how are you?"
"How long were you waiting for me?" said Lily.
He shrugged. "I dunno. Not long, I think." He took a step towards her; she tensed.
"I told you I needed some space," she said stiffly.
He stared at her. "I—I know. But…" He swallowed; his mouth felt very dry. "I just didn't think you should be alone right now."
"Well, that's what I want," she said shortly. "So please just leave me alone. At least for right now."
"Lily," he said gently, reaching out to her. "How is that going to make you feel better?"
"I don't want to feel better!" she shouted. Something in her seemed to have snapped; she was shaking with rage. "My parents are dead! Don't I get to mourn them? Don't I get to feel upset about it without you or Marlene or whoever the hell else trying to shove happiness down my throat?"
"I'm sorry—"
"Just leave me alone!" she screamed, tears spilling down her cheeks. She let out a sob, turning away from him. "I just want to be alone. Please."
He stood there, staring at her. She buried her face in her hands, shaking silently. All he wanted in that moment was to pull her into a hug and stroke her hair and tell her…
He shoved the words deep, deep down. They weren't what she needed.
"Of course," he said, his voice rough. "Of course you need time to grieve. I'm sorry."
She lifted her head up with a shuddering breath and slowly wiped away her tears. Without looking at him, she moved past him and began to climb the stairs back to her dormitory. James watched her go, feeling the words he couldn't say swirling inside him like a storm.
"Do puffapods have spikes or ridges?" said Sirius to no one in particular, scratching his chin with the end of his quill.
They were sitting in the common room, hunched over one of the tables; Professor Sprout had set them so much homework that they were spending their Friday night working on it, knowing that if they left it for later, they would have no chance of finishing it by Monday.
"Neither," said Remus, sighing as he leaned back and stretched widely. "They're smooth."
Sirius threw his quill down in frustration. "When's the last time we even touched a puffapod?" he demanded. "Why the hell have we got to know this for our exams?"
"I would imagine it's cumulative," said James dryly. He scrawled out an admittedly mediocre ending to his essay and tossed his own quill down, flexing his hand with a wince. "There," he said. "One down, three to go."
"How have you finished already?" said Sirius, seizing up James's essay and squinting at it. "Oh, I see. You've barely put in any effort. 'In conclusion, the Snargaluff plant has many purposes.'" He looked at James. "How very insightful."
"All right, let's see if you can do any better," said James, snatching his essay back and rolling it up.
"I don't even know why I'm still taking Herbology," Sirius grumbled, bending over his own parchment. Remus and Peter, who looked as though they had rather enjoyed the last few minutes, turned back to their own work as well.
James sighed and leaned back in his chair, massaging his cramping hand. His eyes roamed around the common room; a couple of first-years were squashed in the corner, hunched over what looked like an intense game of Wizard's Chess. Many of the other students were working as hard as James and the others; exams were nearly upon them, even for those who weren't taking their O.W.L.s or N.E.W.T.s. James caught sight of Lily, who had claimed a table entirely for herself, on which she had spread the numerous books for the many subjects she was taking. She had come back to class only two days after the letter had arrived, though she kept her head down and did her work without talking to anyone. Now, as James watched her, she leaned forward to correct something on her parchment. Her hair came untucked from behind her ear, falling forward in a silky red curtain, and she pushed it back absentmindedly, biting her lip.
"Oi, moon-eyes!"
Something hit him in the head. Blinking, he glanced around; Sirius had thrown a crumpled-up piece of parchment at him.
"Why don't you just go and talk to her instead of staring at her all wistfully?" said Sirius, exasperated.
James shook his head. "She doesn't want to talk to me," he said in a defeated voice. It was true; in the four days that had passed since Lily had received Petunia's letter, she had been noticeably withdrawn; James had tried to approach her on a number of occasions, but every time he did, she found some reason to leave the room. Eventually, he had given up. Though he knew she hadn't been speaking much to anyone, she was clearly trying to actively avoid him. He tried not to take it personally; she was grieving in her own way, and he had to let her. Now he sighed, turning his back to Lily. "I'm giving her space," he said, trying to convince himself. "That's what she said she wanted."
"And you believed her?" said Sirius dubiously.
James blinked at him. "Er…yeah," he said. "Why wouldn't I?"
Sirius gave a long, disappointed sigh. "Haven't I taught you anything about girls, Prongs?" he said, shaking his head.
"What, like how to get Marlene to reject you three times?" said Peter, chortling.
"Two!" said Sirius indignantly. "And in any case," he added, raising his voice over Peter's giggles, "I think we can all agree that I have more experience with women than our dear Prongs." He glared around the circle; no one challenged him. Seemingly satisfied, he turned back to James. "See, girls always say the opposite of what they mean," he said knowledgably. "So if she says she wants space, what she means is that she wants you to comfort her."
"Don't listen to him," said Remus impatiently. "If she said she wants space, then you should give her space. She'll come back to you when she's ready."
"Yeah," said James uncertainly, glancing over his shoulder at Lily. Sirius snapped his fingers under James's nose.
"Stop being wistful," he demanded. "Be a man and go over there and talk to her."
James blew out a breath. "I'm giving her space," he said firmly, picking up his quill again. "Space and time. That's what she wants."
Sirius groaned, laying his head on the table. "Why does no one appreciate my wisdom?" he said, his voice muffled through the parchment. Remus snorted.
That night, James lay in bed, staring up at the ceiling and listening to Peter's snores. As he always did, he found his mind drifting to thoughts of Lily. Though it had only been four days since they had spoken last, he missed her so much that he could feel it aching in his chest. Just a few days ago, they had been happy. They had had that incredible talk…
James sighed and rolled over, staring out into the darkness. He couldn't help but feel that her avoiding him wasn't entirely related to her parents' deaths. Every time they made eye contact, she looked as if she were about to start crying. It was entirely baffling; he wondered briefly if he had done something to hurt her. He ought to just leave it alone, he knew; Remus was probably right, that she would come back to him eventually. Unless, of course, she was done with him and just hadn't found the right words to tell him yet.
But even if that were true, he still hated to see her so desolate and miserable. There had to be some way he could help her. He had to try, at least—and if she still wanted to leave him after, well, then, he couldn't stop her. But at least he'd have tried his best.
He gazed out the window, thinking hard—he had some idea of what to do, but getting Lily to actually speak to him was another matter. Nevertheless, he had a plan, and was determined to see it through.
His mind made up, James rolled over and went to sleep.
The next morning, James awoke before any of the others. The sun had barely risen—the sky still held faded hues of pink and purple, melting seamlessly into the bright blue of morning. Quietly, James got dressed and headed out of the common room.
Several minutes later, he arrived at the owlery. Many owls were just coming back from their nighttime hunt; several others were already asleep, their heads tucked under their wings. Avoiding the droppings on the floor, James moved carefully into the center of the room, scanning the rafters.
There was the sound of fluttering wings behind him. He turned just as a tawny owl flew down and landed on his shoulder.
"Hello, Artemis," he said, stroking her head. She hooted, nipping affectionately at his finger. "Will you help me?" James asked her quietly. "I want to do something for Lily."
In response, Artemis hopped off his shoulder and onto a nearby table, sticking out her leg. James smiled. "Give me one second." He pulled a scrap of parchment out of his bag, along with a quill and ink, and quickly scrawled out a message: Meet me in the common room at midnight. -J.
"All done," he said, rolling up the parchment. He attached it to Artemis's leg with a piece of twine. "Take care of her, okay?" he said in a low voice, petting her gently.
Artemis hooted and stretched her wings, taking off toward the sunrise.
The rest of the day passed in a blur. Lily, as James had expected, didn't come down all day. Marlene brought her meals up to her, reporting back to the others that she was curled up in bed and didn't want to talk to any of them. James didn't ask whether she had said anything about him; he had to hope that Artemis had delivered his message and that Lily would decide to meet him. If she didn't…he wasn't sure what he would do.
He, Sirius, Remus, and Peter spent most of the day attempting to make headway on their enormous pile of homework. Finally, near midnight, they packed up their books and parchment wearily and trudged off to the boys' dormitory. James got into bed without changing out of his robes, bid the others good night, and waited until it was silent before carefully climbing back out and retrieving his invisibility cloak from his trunk. Then he slowly crept back downstairs, stuffing his cloak into his pocket as he went.
The fire was dwindling low in the grate by the time he arrived back in the common room. He lit his wand with a murmur, casting it around the room. It was empty. He glanced at his watch, which told him it was two minutes to midnight. Perching on the arm of a chair, he pulled out the Marauder's Map, muttering, "I solemnly swear that I am up to no good."
The map bloomed into existence. James held his wand close to the parchment, searching it; Filch was safely in his office, along with Mrs. Norris. The professors, too, were all in their own offices.
James looked up from the map suddenly; he had heard footsteps approaching. With a hasty whisper of "Mischief managed!" he stuffed the map back into his pocket and got to his feet, holding his wand out in front of him.
The door to the girls' dormitory opened. Lily stood there, her own wand lit; it cast shadows on her face, making it impossible to read.
James swallowed. "I didn't think you would come," he said, a little hoarsely.
"I was curious."
They were the first words she had said to him in days; the apathy in her voice felt like a blow to his stomach. Watching him, she seemed to soften slightly. "I've—I've missed you," she said in a small voice.
He couldn't help but smile in relief. "Me, too." He took a step toward her, extending his hand. "Will you come with me?"
"Where?" she said, sounding a little apprehensive.
"Outside. I want to show you something." James pulled out the invisibility cloak. "We won't get caught. I promise."
She let out a low breath. "I didn't know you had an invisibility cloak," she said. Her eyes lit up with wonder as she ran her fingers over it; for a moment she looked so much like her old self that James could almost pretend there wasn't this strange barrier between them, that this was just an ordinary night. He took a deep breath, unfurling the cloak.
"So? Will you come?" he said, only half-believing she might say yes.
She looked at him; her eyes had softened, had regained some of their old glow. She gave a small smile. "Okay."
Relief blooming in him, James stepped toward her, draping the cloak over both their shoulders. He was suddenly aware of how close he was to her; he could feel the warmth of her body beside his, could hear the soft whisper of her breathing. Her hand brushed against his; hastily, he moved away, clearing his throat.
"Just follow my lead," he said. In sync, they moved toward the portrait hole; the cloak was large enough to cover both of them, but only just. Carefully, James opened the portrait.
"Whuzzat—who's there?" said the Fat Lady sleepily. James and Lily slipped through, closing the portrait behind them. The Fat Lady glanced around, blinking owlishly; then, with a yawn, she closed her eyes and went back to sleep. Grinning slightly, James moved forward, Lily close on his heels.
They made their way down through the castle swiftly and silently until they reached the fourth floor. Instead of heading further down the staircase, James turned left and began to move down the corridor.
"Where are we going?" Lily whispered. James put a finger to his lips, beckoning her forward. She followed him. Near the end of the corridor was a large mirror. James ran his fingers around the edge of it, locating the carved knot of wood; he pressed it, and the mirror swung forward. He heard Lily inhale sharply as the passageway behind it was revealed.
"How did you know about this?" she demanded in a hiss. He merely smiled mysteriously and helped her over the lip of the entrance. Once they were both inside, he closed the door behind them, lit his wand, and pulled off the cloak.
"We're safe for now," he said in a normal voice, stowing the cloak away in his pocket. "No one knows about this passage except the four of us. Five now," he added, smiling at her.
"Wow," said Lily, glancing around; this was one of the roomier passageways, with a high ceiling and smooth, carved walls. "How did you find this place?"
James smiled, looking away. "I'll tell you some other time. Come on." He started off down the passageway. Lily hurried along beside him.
"This is the easiest way out of the castle," James explained, following the curve of the tunnel. "Well, it's the easiest way to get where I want to go. There are a load of other ways out, to Hogsmeade, mostly."
"So where are we going, then?" said Lily.
James smiled. "You'll see. I don't want to spoil the surprise."
They walked on in silence for a few minutes. Lily trailed her fingers along the wall of the tunnel absentmindedly. Finally, James spoke again.
"Thanks for coming with me," he said, a little awkwardly. "I know you said you wanted space, and I promise, I'll leave you alone after this, if you want. I just—I thought this might help. And if it doesn't, you don't have to talk to me again—"
"James," Lily interrupted. He clamped his mouth shut. "It's okay. I know I've been distant lately…"
"Which is fine," said James quickly. "And I was wrong to try to force you to feel better—"
"It's okay," said Lily emphatically. "Really. I know you're only trying to help."
"Yes," said James, relieved. "Exactly. But still, I should have listened to you," he added softly. "And I'm sorry."
"I know," she said gently.
They had reached the end of the passageway, the exit of which was a trapdoor set at the top of a short flight of steps. James climbed them quickly and cracked the door open, peering out; no one appeared to be around, so he opened it the rest of the way and hopped out, reaching down to help Lily.
"Where are we?" she said, glancing around. They had emerged at the top of a small hill; from here, James could make out the silhouette of the castle and, in the other direction, the humps and valleys of the buildings of Hogsmeade.
"We're at the outskirts of the grounds," James replied.
"Are we going to the village?" Lily asked curiously.
James smiled. "No. We're going there." He pointed; at the base of the hill was a thin thicket of trees, which grew and gave way to—
"The Forbidden Forest?" Lily said, her eyes widening.
"We won't go far into it," James reassured her. "Ten minutes, tops." He held his hand out; after a moment of hesitation, she slid hers into it. Lightning seemed to thrum up his arm. He shivered slightly. "Onward, then," he said, slightly unsteadily, and he began to lead her down the hill.
They made their way through the trees, which grew denser and closer together as they walked on. In the distance, James thought he heard the thundering of hooves.
"James, I'm not so sure about this," said Lily nervously, her hand tightening on his.
"Just trust me," he said, smiling softly at her. "I know where I'm going." The ground began to slope up; his feet found the familiar path, landing in the often-trodden grooves. "We're nearly there."
Lily glanced around, swallowing as she followed his footsteps up the slope. "Aren't there werewolves in here?" she said in a hushed voice.
James chuckled. "Not in the least. Not tonight, anyway," he added with a grin.
"What's that supposed to—"
Lily cut herself off with a gasp. They had arrived.
They were standing on the crest of a hill, which rose from the ground in an open clearing; the trees were thin and short enough around them that they had a spectacular view of Hogwarts. The lake glistened below them, moonlight bouncing off it and turning it silvery-white. Above them, the stars glittered, numerous and bright, like pinpricks in the black blanket of sky.
"It's gorgeous," Lily breathed.
"I like to come here sometimes," said James, rubbing the back of his neck awkwardly. "It helps me clear my head."
"I can see why." Lily sat down in the grass, stretching her legs out in front of her as she shifted to face the lake. She let out a long exhale. "It's so…serene."
James sat down beside her, tilting his head up to look at the stars. "Yeah. It's a beautiful place."
He felt her shift slightly beside him; when he looked back, she was looking at him. He swallowed; she was very close to him. He could see the stars reflected in her eyes.
"This is really…unexpected of you," she said. Perhaps it was his imagination, but he thought her voice sounded slightly unsteady.
"What?" he said, hoping he sounded convincingly nonchalant. "You thought I was too macho to appreciate a nice view?"
She smiled. "No. I know you're a complete teddy bear at heart."
"I take offense to that," said James. Lily chuckled.
"Anyway— what I meant was…" She took a deep breath. "I didn't expect you to be so kind to me," she said. "Especially considering how awful I've been to you."
"You haven't—"
"Yes," said Lily softly. "I have." She pulled up a handful of grass and began to shred it. "You were trying to help, and I snapped at you. I avoided you."
"It's okay," said James gently. "You were trying to work through your feelings, as best as you could. I don't fault you for that."
She shook her head, tearing the grass apart. "We're in a relationship," she said, her voice tight. "And that means we're supposed to lean on each other, and support each other. We're supposed to be there, even when things get hard. Especially when things get hard. But I hid. I ran away. Like a child." She opened her fist, letting the wind carry away the threads of grass.
"Why?" said James softly. "Why did you run?"
She stared out at the lake. Her eyes were shining. "I felt…guilty."
"Guilty?"
She drew her knees up to her chest, hugging them. "The letter from Petunia," she said. "It felt…it felt like she was saying that I had left my family behind. That I had exchanged them—my ordinary, Muggle family—for something more exciting, more interesting. Like I had abandoned them to go be a freak." She blinked; a tear rolled down her cheek. "Maybe she's right," she said quietly. "I got caught up in all the magic. The novelty of it, the way it made me feel…special. Different." She wiped her face. "Petunia and I…it's like the more I learned here, the more of a witch I became…the further we drifted apart. I thought my parents were different, that they understood…but they didn't. They couldn't. And I think I drifted apart from them, too." Her shoulders were shaking now, tears spilling rapidly down her face. "I didn't want to feel like I had exchanged my life with my parents for a life with you," she whispered, her voice breaking.
"Lily," James said softly, taking her hand. "Do you really think it would have been any different if you hadn't been a witch?" He rubbed his thumb across the back of her hand. "Children grow apart from their parents. They grow up, and they move into new circles. It doesn't mean they love their parents any less. I think all parents know that." She nodded, automatically, it seemed. "I've grown apart from my parents, too, since I came to Hogwarts," James went on. "I used to write them every other day; now I write them once a month, if that. But I think they understand. And the love between us is still as strong as it's always been. Stronger, maybe, because my friendships here—my relationship with you," he added, in a lower voice, "they've taught me how to love a little more. They've taught me what love really means."
She looked at him, her lips parting slightly. "James…" she said.
And just like that, the words he had been biting back for days tumbled out of his lips. "I love you," he said.
He heard her breath hitch. For a moment, there was only the soft whispering of the wind in the trees, the gentle rolling of ripples in the lake below them.
"I love you," he said again, his voice cracking. "I do."
She took a shuddering breath. "I…"
"You—you don't have to say it back," he said hastily. "Not if you're not ready. It's okay." She swallowed visibly. "I just wanted you to know. That—that someone loves you. And that you're not alone."
Her eyes were shining again. Slowly, she leaned forward and pressed her lips to his. He closed his eyes, sinking into the kiss, letting her lips siphon away the days of worry and fear.
After a long moment, they broke apart. Lily rested her forehead against his, their breath mingling in the space between them. "I love you, too," she whispered.
He pulled away slightly, looking into her eyes. "You do?"
"Yes." The word was an exhale. "I love you, James."
"Well, good," said James, his voice cracking. "Because that would have been really awkward otherwise."
Lily chuckled, bumping her shoulder against his. "You're an idiot," she said affectionately.
"But you love me anyway," said James, savoring the feel of the words on his tongue.
She smiled. They sat in silence, both gazing out at the stars. After a moment, Lily said, "I think maybe I was a little jealous of you, too."
"Jealous? Why?"
She shrugged. "Out of all of us, you seem to have the best relationship with your parents. I suppose I envied that. I mean, at this point I think I envy anyone with parents." She gave a sad little smile. "I don't think I really have a family anymore."
"That's bullshit," said James bluntly. "You have mine."
She turned to look at him quickly. "What?"
He felt his face redden. "Not like marriage, or anything," he said hastily. "I mean—not that I don't want—but what I meant was—" He swallowed. "My parents would take you in in a heartbeat. They did it for Sirius. I know they'd be thrilled to have you."
Lily smiled softly. "Thanks."
They lapsed into silence again, staring out at the lake together. A tentacle emerged from the water, waving lazily in the air for a moment before plunging back into the lake.
"Remember the night before you got that letter?" said James abruptly.
She laughed. "Yeah. What did we even talk about for two hours?"
"Everything," James sighed. "Fears. Hopes. Things we'd never told anyone else." He looked at her. "That's when I knew I loved you," he said. "Or at least, when I figured it out, because I think a part of me has always loved you. But that night…I'd never felt a connection like that with anyone else." He hesitated. "So when you started to pull away from me…"
"You thought I was going to break up with you," said Lily softly, gazing at him. "You thought I didn't feel the same connection." James nodded slowly. Lily grazed her fingers across his cheek. "I'm sorry."
"Don't be." He reached out, tucking a lock of hair behind her ear. She leaned into his touch. "What matters is that I love you. And you love me."
"I do," she breathed. "I really do."
She leaned over, resting her head on his shoulder and tucking her body against his. "Thank you for being here for me," she murmured.
He smiled. "Always," he said gently.
Lily kissed his cheek. They gazed up at the many winking stars above them, eyes roaming across the sky. "'Yours is the light by which my spirit's born,'" she said softly. "'You are my sun, my moon, and all my stars.'"
"What is that?" said James.
"A Muggle poem," said Lily, exhaling. "I always loved that quote."
"I like it," said James, a little huskily. "My sun, my moon, and all my stars."
Slowly, Lily turned to face him; as their lips connected, James felt as if the light of a thousand stars were burning in his heart.
A/N: Written for:
The Hogwarts Life Challenge (Stage Six)
Prompt: Write about something unwanted.
The Hunger Games: Fanfic Style III Competition (Day One)
Prompts:
(Word) Unexpected
(Emotion) Jealousy
(Dialogue) "I'm not so sure about this." / "Just trust me."
(Setting) The Forbidden Forest
(Genre) Hurt/Comfort