Disclaimer : Sadly I don't own anything

Loving You is Hard to Do

Ever since that night I told Logan it was over, I avoided him. It pained me to see the look of hurt in his eyes, whenever I would see him. He hid it so well, but I could tell he was hurting, and it was because of me. It became harder to avoid him when he got a job as Anthony Zacchara's bodyguard, because as you know I'm with Johnny and Anthony is Johnny's obsessive father. When Logan would wheel Anthony into a room, I could still see it, the hurt was still there in his eyes. I knew it hurt him even more when I would ignore him as if he didn't exist, but I had to. I had to ignore him because I feared that if I talked to him, I would fall for him all over again. I keep telling myself that I'm still mad at him over Maxie, but the truth is that I forgave him for that a long time ago, I just couldn't seem to forgive myself for shattering his heart over and over again, when all he did was love me. What gets me is that he let me do it; he let me hurt him time and time again, and his feelings for me still haven't changed, he still loved me all the same.

Logan came to me one night at the Zacchara's garden shed. He still cared about me. He kept trying to warn me that Johnny and his family were dangerous and that I should stay away. But me being the Spencer I am was too stubborn to listen. I had managed to hurt him…again.

"Lulu, things are going to get messy, it would be best if you stayed away from Johnny" Logan said

"No Logan, when are you going to get it…I'm with Johnny now and I'm not going to get back together with you." I said

"I'm not mad at you about dumping me for the home coming king, this isn't high school Lu." Logan said " I just---"

"You just what?" I said "You want me to stay away from big bad Johnny? Well you can forget it"

"Lulu things around here are going to get dangerous." Logan said, his voice full of concern "I can tell you now that someone is going to die, and I would hate for that person to be you"

"You can leave now Logan" I said

He gave me one last pleading look before he left. I knew in my heart that he was right. Why oh why didn't I listen to him?

I let the love of my life slip away…again.

After our encounter at the garden shed, I saw very little of him. It seemed as if he was avoiding me to. I never saw him when I was with Johnny. I kept thinking he gave up, he gave up this is what I wanted. But really, this isn't what I wanted. I knew in my heart that I wanted Logan back, but I let the thrill of being with Johnny overpower my love for Logan.

The truth is that Logan was always there for me. When I ran into trouble with Scott, he was there. When I needed someone to talk to, he was there. When I needed a shoulder to cry on, he was there. I could always count on Logan.

I met Johnny one night hitchhiking. It was the night I found out about Logan and Maxie. The thrill and danger that came with Johnny helped to somewhat keep my mind off of Logan. I knew it was wrong, but I did it anyway. I began to think that if I was with Johnny that my feelings for Logan would just go away. But that didn't happen; if anything it just made my feelings for Logan clearer, I loved him.

In the time that Logan seemed to be avoiding me, I realized something. He just did that because he thought it would make me happy. He gave up fighting for me, just to make me happy. He gave up his own happiness so I could have mine. I wanted so bad to tell him, that it was him that made me happy, but I just didn't know how.

The next time I saw Logan was at the Quartermaine's boat house. That day, Johnny and I went there for a swim. Maxie showed up and started to throw herself at Johnny. I have to admit, that I wasn't jealous, I just thought it was pathetic of her. Johnny and Maxie left and I started to dry off. I was really surprised to see Logan there. I was happy to see him, but there was something about him that was different, his eyes almost seemed cold and blank.

"How did you know I was here?" I asked

"I overheard Anthony on the phone" he said "So I thought I'd come by and see how you've been."

"Logan---"

"You look nice, I've missed you" he said

His voice was eerily calm. I could tell that there was something wrong with him, but I didn't know what.

"Lulu we were great together." He said "We belong together"

"No, I'm with Johnny….I---."

"Johnny and his family are dangerous, I don't want you to get hurt." He said

"Johnny isn't like the rest of his family" I said "I'm leaving and don't follow me"

I walked away from love again. But something about Logan's demeanor was strange, I didn't know how, it just was. Little did I know that something about Logan was different, I would soon find out how different he was.

I ran into Logan on the docks. He kept asking me to give him another chance. He asked me to go to a concert with him, but I refused and walked away. Later that day he came to the Crimson office and again begged me for another chance. When I refused he said 'you could have saved me', then he left. I still don't know what he meant by that. But I noticed the glimmer that was always in his eyes was gone, now his eyes looked hollow.

Later on I went to Johnny's apartment to see him. But when I got there I didn't see anybody, so I walked out on the balcony to see if anyone was there. No one was out there but something did catch my eye, and what I saw made my blood run cold. I saw Logan throwing Maxie around in the Crimson office, and he saw me looking straight at him.

I ran into the apartment, then I heard my phone ringing….it was Logan. He called to tell me that he knows what I saw and that he's coming over to explain. I don't know what came over me but I ran to the kitchen and grabbed a butcher knife. I made it up in my mind that I was going to run out to get help. But when I stepped foot out the door, I saw Logan coming up the stairs. I quickly ran back into the apartment and locked the door behind me. Logan pounded on the other side pleading with me to let him in so he could explain. But I was froze to the spot, I didn't know what to do. When I wouldn't let him in, he started to chop the door with an axe. I was so scared, I knew in my heart that Logan would never deliberately hurt me….but the Logan that was at the door wasn't the same Logan I knew.

I hid behind the couch with the knife still in my hand. Logan broke his way into the apartment.

"Lulu come out, I know what you saw and I just want to explain" he said calm

I stayed quiet and out of site.

"Come one Lu, we can talk like we used to, just the two of us." He said

I saw my chance, I got up and ran for the door but Logan caught me and I dropped the knife.

"Why are you running? I just want to talk." He said calmly not loosing his grip on my arms.

"O…ok….wh…what did you want to talk about?" I asked trying to hide the fear in my voice.

"Us…Lulu, we were great together, I miss you" he said tucking my hair behind my ear. "Please give us another chance."

"I missed you too." I said, and it was the truth, I did miss him.

Logan leaned in and kissed me, but I let my fear of the situation get to me so I didn't kiss him back. He thought it was because of Johnny and he got angry. We struggled and I fell to the floor, where I grabbed the knife. I got up and turned around just as Logan was coming towards me. It all happened so fast, I heard him gasp and I looked down to see the knife in his stomach. He stumbled backwards.

"You didn't have to hurt me" he said quietly

"I didn't mean to" I said through my tears "I'll get help"

"You'll never get over me" he said then fell to the floor.

He was lying motionless on the floor with the knife still in his gut. I checked for a pulse…but I didn't find one, he was gone, this time for good. It was my fault; I broke his heart over and over again until he couldn't take it anymore and he just snapped. I killed the one and only person I ever loved and ever will love.

Everything that happened afterwards was all a blur. Johnny ended up covering up Logan's…de….I cant say it. We even ended up going on the run even though I wanted to confess to everything. I just went along with Johnny and did everything he said. Johnny told me that he loved me, but I couldn't say it back. I couldn't say it because I wouldn't mean it. I couldn't give Johnny my heart when Logan still has it; I know it will always be that way. I missed Logan so much.

I missed him so much that I started to hear him. I even started to see him. Everywhere I looked, Logan was there. I knew what I needed to do, so I did it. I ran from Johnny to go see my mother. It always made me feel better to talk to her, even though she couldn't talk back. I told her what happened with Logan, how Johnny was trying to protect me even though I didn't want him to. I told her how much I loved Logan and still do.

Once I was outside the clinic I fell to my knees and broke down in tears. Someone came and wrapped their arms around me; I looked up and was surprised.

"Logan!" I said happily "I'm so glad you're ok"

"Lulu, I'm Johnny, Logan's dead"
"Johnny?" I asked then realized that it was Johnny that was holding me.

"Yeah are you alright?" he asked

I nodded my head "I just want to go see Logan."

"Lulu, Logan's dead, don't you remember? The jerk came after you and you stabbed him" Johnny said

I began hyperventilating. I shouted 'NO' through my tears. It felt almost as if I was falling asleep. Johnny kept saying my name, but I couldn't respond, then soon I couldn't hear him anymore and everything went black. I was like my mother after all.

***

I felt an arm drape across my stomach, and I jolted awake breathing hard. I quickly sat up and looked over to see who was lying beside me…it was Logan. He sat up and looked at me with concern in his eyes.

"Are you alright sweetheart?" he asked rubbing his hand up and down my back.

"You're here….but how?" I asked confused

"What do you mean?" he asked confused

"How?" I said not able to form any other words

"Your regretting this, aren't you?" He asked with a hint of sadness in his voice

"No, of course not…I just…what's today?" I asked

"August 21, I think…why?" he said confused

"2007?" I ask

"Yeah." He said "are you feeling alright?"

I nod my head

"Wow, I knew I was good, but I didn't know I could pleasure you to the point that you lost track of time." He said smirking

I laughed and hit him playfully in the arm.

"Ow" he said laughing "You didn't have to hurt me."

I smiled and leaned into kiss him

"I love you" I said while kissing his neck

Logan pulled back and looked at me shocked, then I realized what I said. The reason he was so shocked was because nothing that happened in my dream happened in real life, it was still August 2007 and Logan and I just made love for the first time. I really hoped I didn't scare him off.

"Logan…I….um" I couldn't form any words

"I love you too" I heard him say

"What?" I said looking up at him

"I love you too" he said smiling, then he kissed me

I deepened the kiss and before we knew it, we were tangled in the sheets again.

I was so happy. Nothing in my dream was real. There was no Johnny, there was no Maxie and I didn't kill Logan. I love Logan and he loves me and I will make sure that nothing ruins that, this time around.

the end