Disclaimer… I do not own Ouran High School Host Club or its characters, but I will do what I can to use them for both yours and mine entertainment.
A/N: This is the side story to Bitter 2: Mori's Bitter Days. You asked for it and Satoshi has been gracious enough to supply it. Here are the 101 uses for a shinai. Some are stupid/goofy and some I can actually see happening, but this is Satoshi and he is a character. True? Thank you to stylewriter565 and Mialiin for helping with some of these. Enjoy it and let me know what you think!
Dear Kyoya-senpai,
I told you there were 101 uses for a shinai. Here they are. You can go ahead and publish them if you want to, but I'm not sure what our customers would get out of it. Here you go anyway. The shinai is a very versatile weapon/tool. My brother and father may not agree with some of these, but that's okay. This is my list and not theirs. Haruhi, Chika, and I have tested many of these… or come up with the theory and we believe that they will work. I hope this is what you were looking for.
1. Kendo – well duh. It is the weapon/tool used for the sport. This is a given.
2. Knock manners into cousin. It is very good for making sure Yasuchika is polite and uses his manners.
3. Stop hissy fits/temper tantrums. As you have seen, a good whack on the head makes Tamaki-senpai shut up. It will work on others as well.
4. Clothes line – hey when you have nothing else, it works great!
5. Block people from approaching when they are not wanted. Such as keeping Tamaki-senpai a safe distance away from Haruhi. The shinai is used as an effective wall/line he is not allowed to cross when held against his chest with the slightest amount of pressure.
6. Pointer – Point to what you are trying to show someone or what you want someone to grab for you. Taka doesn't like me to use this method with him, but I have with Yasuchika.
7. Trip someone – self-explanatory and I have shown you this method. They are running towards you, aim low and they will trip over the shinai.
8. Pretend sword – boys will be boys and we like to pretend to sword fight all of the time. Don't let Yasuchika tell you otherwise, I always win.
9. Fishing pole – you only need string and a hook and you are set.
10. Limbo stick – how low can you go?
11. Fire wood – if it's broken, may as well warm yourself.
12. Poker - no not to poke your fire, but you can poke your friends or people that irritate you.
13. Noise maker – bang it against anything to make loud unruly noises. Parents and especially mothers can become quite irritated with this. Be careful.
14. Getting someone's attention – same concept as the noise maker, but this time with purpose.
15. Cool decoration – when held in your hand or on your person, you just look cooler with it.
16. Conversation starter – people see it and will ask about it.
17. Fight off a pig or other animal – not that I have tried this, but it should be very effective. It is long and sturdy and you can get in some good hits before anything can attack you.
18. Fight off an overzealous blond Host Club president or other person that is trying to glomp you – self-explanatory.
19. Knock sense into a baka – a couple whacks and they will know what they did wrong.
20. Wall décor – looks awesome hanging on your wall, especially when you have two crossed.
21. Push people – just like it says, you can push people away from you.
22. To make one look cool in front of your crush – one must always look cool and manly in front of the girl you like; a shinai will give you that edge.
23. Hockey stick – I have used it for field hockey, but I am sure you can use it on ice as well.
24. Golf club – my best putter.
25. Stick used to reach stuff that is high up – when you can't reach a shinai gives you an extra-long arm.
26. Knock out a light when you need it to be dark in a dangerous situation – if you are being tracked by the enemy and you find yourself in a lighted room, you can break the lights by using your shinai.
27. Javelin – a well-balanced shinai can sail through the air and be used as a replacement javelin for your track and field days.
28. Beat up bullies – great defense tool and bullies will get their just desserts.
29. Turn on a light switch when you don't want to get up from couch/bed – sometimes you are just lazy and it can reach, so why not.
30. Turn on and off the TV – if you lose your remote, it can hit the button for you.
31. Change channels on TV when you lose the remote control – no remote still, you have to be able to change the channel on the box somehow.
32. Hang purses and belts on it – Haruhi came up with this when thinking about the twins. I guess if you can use it as a clothes line, you can use it to hang your accessories or whatnot.
33. Lion taming – enough said. You only need a chair.
34. Stick to move rabble on ground outside in case of snakes and such – you never know what can be found in the brush. It is best to get it out of your way or find it before it finds you first.
35. Fly swatter – keeps the flies at bay.
36. Hold someone under water – long stick and with the right leverage, it can keep someone under water, or make it difficult for them to come back up.
37. Cause bruises for sympathy from your girlfriend. If she believes you were beat up, she will take care of you.
38. Baseball bat – Especially when playing indoors with a rubber ball or paper ball.
39. Hit a pair of twins simultaneously – Twins like to do things together and this will ensure they are hit together. It has been tested out on Hikaru-senpai and Kaoru-senpai.
40. Flag pole – all you have to do is attach the flag and you're done.
41. Draw line in sand in order to challenge someone – Tamaki-senpai used a stick, but I say a shinai is more effective and intimidating.
42. Baby toy – even babies like to swing them around.
43. Tie a string and dog toy at end, and let pet dog go crazy – works every time.
44. Tie catnip on end and watch cat get high – very effective.
45. Door stop – to keep my door from closing when the windows are open and I have lost my door stop.
46. Door lock – when I want to keep everyone out. Even if they pick the lock, they can't enter.
47. Theft deterrent – if a thief is brave enough to enter, they will get a beating. Nobody wants that.
48. Break glass – yes it will. Be careful when around breakables. Mothers don't like their nick nacs broken.
49. Dent a car/sledge hammer when you want to get revenge – you will break your shinai, but you will damage the car with dents and scratches in the process.
50. Pirate costume accessory – every pirate needs a sword.
51. Stick to stir laundry when washing by hand – this is another Haruhi one. She said when the clothes are soaking you have to keep them moving in the hot water, so you need a stick or paddle. A shinai will also work.
52. Knock out someone – a well-placed hit to the head will knock even someone like Taka out.
53. Break an arm or leg – if you hit any appendage hard enough, you can break bones.
54. Rescue someone from drowning – a stick for the victim to grab onto as you pull them to safety (it might or might not be the person you were holding under).
55. Knock fruit out of tree – throw it up and watch it and the fruit come down.
56. Lance during a joust – imagine it, you are riding a horse and this is your trusty lance.
57. Throw in tree and scare off birds – birds are annoying. This will get rid of them.
58. Tie a rope and use as a grappling hook – throw it on the roof and you can scale walls.
59. Brother bonding time – Taka and I spar all of the time. It is quality time together in the dojo.
60. Dueling – even outside of the dojo, sometimes you are called to fight.
61. Secret weapon for secret super hero identity – I can't explain this further. If I did, I might have to kill you.
62. Discipline – if someone is getting out of line, you use this and they will straighten up their act. Yasuchika knows this well.
63. Digging in dirt – if you don't want to get your hands dirty and you don't have a shovel, you can use a shinai.
64. Mash potatoes or other veggies – beat the veggies until they are mush.
65. Kill bugs/spiders (Ranka says that Tamaki-senpai is included in this) – enough said.
66. Used to stop a blond idiot from using puppy dog eyes – hit the offender and you won't succumb to those eyes. How does he always reel in everyone? I just don't get it.
67. Self-defense training – it is a weapon and can be used in self-defense training and fighting.
68. Used to stop brother bonding time gone wrong (twins fighting or Hunny and Chika battling) – too much togetherness can sometimes lead to fights. This will help break it up.
69. Kendo demo for Host Club customers – the customers love it.
70. When placed on the ground in front of Tamaki or someone else you are irritated with, you can watch them roll around and lose their balance much like in the cartoons.
71. Curtain rod – if your rod has broken or you are missing one, you can use a shinai.
72. Walking stick/cane – it makes a great walking stick when you are walking in the country.
73. Smash boxes to make them small so they can fit in the garbage – this will also allow you to get rid of some of your frustrations.
74. To cuddle like a stuffed toy – it was other people, not me! I will never admit to it, but others… I repeat others have slept/cuddled with their shinai like my cousin cuddles with Usa-Chan.
75. Rug beater – you have to get the dirt out of the rugs using something.
76. Used to give Usa-Chan back to Black Hunny from a safe distance away – my cousin is sometimes dangerous. This will give him Usa-Chan without you getting your arm chewed off.
77. Help straighten the star on top of the Christmas tree – for those that have a tree, if it is crooked, a shinai can be used to straighten it.
78. Bookmark – sometimes we need to mark our place.
79. Threaten unwanted visitors (such as those from the Host Club or Otakus) – waiving around a shinai is enough of a threat that they will leave on their own usually. Some are harder to get rid of and that is when you can actually hit them.
80. Escape the tight embrace of a certain blond president – Haruhi can use it to make her escape.
81. Ring doorbell – if you have it, use it.
82. Break lock on an old trunk – if you can't open a truck due to an old lock, a well-placed hit with a shinai, should get rid of the problem for you.
83. Hold gas pedal down in car instead of brick when you want car to drive itself like they do in the movies - Umm, I didn't really try this one… local punks drove the car into the lake. It didn't drive itself there. I can tell you that this does work.
84. Stir cake batter – if you don't have anything else.
85. Stress reliever when hitting a dummy – a dummy can be alive like Tamaki or the twins, or a real dummy a plastic man/bale of hay.
86. Throw into an automatic door or moving object in order to jam it so you can make your escape or prevent it from moving further – I got this from watching spy movies. LOL.
87. Turn off the smoke alarm – beats having to get out the ladder or stand on a chair.
88. Twirl like a baton – no explanation needed.
89. Hammer – a shinai can beat nails too.
90. Can be used in a food fight to bat the food towards other people – it will keep most of the food away from you and allows you to participate while practicing your swings.
91. Pretend you are a Japanese samurai – because they used to use them in practice.
92. Stamp out cigarette butts – I don't want to get my shoe or foot dirty.
93. Boat oar – it can paddle you back to shore.
94. Drum stick – it can beat a drum just as much as a real drum stick.
95. Large shish kabob stick – think about it. A couple whole chickens or what have you.
96. Unmasking a super villain – rips the mask right off without you getting too close. Again, I cannot explain further without having to kill you for knowing too much.
97. Short bow staff – if you left yours at home, a shinai can be a replacement in a pinch.
98. Back scratcher – for those hard to reach spots.
99. Practice spear throwing techniques/target practice – you have to be able to hit a target. This will allow you to do that without anyone being stabbed.
100. Run around in your underwear waving it around and watch everyone's reactions. They will think you are completely crazy and you get to have fun messing with them.
101. Toilet paper holder while you are in the middle of the woods camping – this is so your paper doesn't get dirty on the ground and you always know where it is.