A/N: Set right at the beginning of S1 Private Practice :)
'we're smiling but we're close to tears, even after all these years, we just now got the feeling that we're meeting, for the first time'
- For The First Time, The Script.
"Hey" Addison smiled as she stepped out of the elevator at Oceanside Wellness to find everyone talking at the desk.
"Hey" everyone smiled back.
"How's your head this morning Violet?" Addison smirked.
"I did not drink that much!" Violet exclaimed.
"You danced around Addie's deck singing 'I'm the best shrink in the world' then fell on Cooper and fell asleep" Naomi laughed.
"Shut up" Violet mumbled.
"Hi there" Sam said as the elevator doors opened and a man stepped out, Addison looked up and froze, before anyone else could say anything the man stepped forward and crashed their lips together, his hands up in her hair as hers gripped onto the front of his shirt, after a minute or so they pulled apart breathlessly, their foreheads together.
"What the hell are you doing here Alex?" Addison said shakily.
"You just left" he said quietly "You just, left, and I know I screwed up, I know that, but I deserved a goodbye, I deserved a goodbye Addison"
"You went after her" Addison whispered "I was going to tell you at the wedding but, you went after her, what was I supposed to do?" she breathed "And why the hell do you deserve a goodbye?"
"I thought I meant something to you" Alex said quietly.
"Yeah" Addison said with a slight laugh, stepping around him, Alex following her movements "Yeah you did mean something to me!" she exclaimed "You were the only thing keeping me there Alex and you screwed me over! I though I meant something to you but obviously not, because if I did, if you did care about me, then you wouldn't have treated me like one of the slutty nurses!"
"Have you ever thought that maybe I pushed you away because I cared for you so much! That I'm shit scared I'm going to turn into my asshole father and hurt you so bad that you never come back from it! Have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe the world doesn't revolve around your issues! That you're not the only one who's had crap happen to them in their lives!"
"Are you calling me selfish? Seriously? You're calling me selfish?" she exclaimed "You're the one who just walked into my place of work and kissed me!"
"Maybe we should just…." Naomi started as everyone started to step backwards.
"Don't you dare move" Addison said firmly "We're done talking" she glared at Alex.
"No, we're not" Alex replied.
"Yes, we are" Addison shot back "We're done Alex" she said quietly, their eyes were locked together, they stayed staring at each other for a silent tension filled minute.
"I love you" Alex said so quietly Addison could barely hear him.
"It's too late" she whispered tearfully.
"No it's not" Alex said stepping towards her "No it's not too late"
"Yes it is" Addison whispered again, Alex's hands brushed against the sides of Addison's neck, his lips ghosting against her cheeks and then her lips, Addison leaned into his body a little with a shaky sigh.
"I love you" Alex whispered softly "I love you, and I know I screwed up, I know I hurt you, but you have to let me fix this, you have too, I love you, and I know somewhere inside you, somewhere inside you, you love me too"
"I don't know what to do" Addison sniffled "I can't get hurt again Alex, I really can't"
"I know" Alex said softly.
"I need, I need you to leave" she whispered "Go back to Seattle, I can't, I can't do this"
"Addison, please" Alex said cupping her face in his hands "Please"
"I can't" Addison whimpered.
"Do you want me to beg? Do you want me to beg? Because I will, I'll get down on my knees and I'll beg you for another chance, and I don't care how, pathetic that makes me look, I love you, I love you and I'll do anything for another chance, anything" he said firmly.
"Go back to Seattle Alex" Addison choked out, she took his hands from her cheeks and kissed his fingers lightly before turning around and walking straight to her office, Alex turned to the elevator and pressed the button, leaning his forehead against the wall as he waited for it, letting out a heavy sigh and kicking at it, he turned around and walked over to Naomi "Make sure she gets this" he said taking out a box from his bag and handing it to her, he instantly turned back around, walked into the elevator and hit the button for the ground floor.
"Wow" Violet breathed as the elevator doors closed.
"That was, intense" said Pete.
"I guess I should go and, check on her" Naomi sighed "Dell can you check her schedule, see if I can fit them in, I'm gonna try and get her to go home"
"You know she needs to work when she's upset Nae" said Sam.
"This isn't upset Addison, this is broken Addison, this is different" Naomi said quietly "I'll be right back" she said moving towards Addison's office, she knocked on the door a couple of times before entering, Addison was lying on her sofa sobbing, facing away from the door, Naomi closed it and walked over to her, sitting on the edge, putting the box on the coffee table, she brought her hand to Addison's hair and stroked it softly "Sshh Addie it's ok" as Addison carried on crying "It's ok, he's gone, just breathe, it's ok, come here" she said softly, Addison moved to sit up, letting Naomi hug her tightly "It's ok" Naomi whispered against her hair "Just breathe sweetie"
"I don't know, what to do" Addison sobbed.
"Just try and stop crying for me Addie" Naomi said wiping her tears "Just breathe" Addison slowly got her breath back, wiping tears from her eyes.
"I'm getting Dell to cancel all your patients, you're not in a fit state to work today" Naomi said softly "No arguments" she said as Addison opened her mouth to speak "He gave me this to give to you" Naomi said quietly as she picked the box back up "I don't know what it is, you should open it"
Addison took it off her and sat up a little, she slowly lifted the lid up and found a note resting on the top of it 'I don't know if you remember this case, I guess you do, it's the baby who was left in the trash can at the high school, you were going through so much yet you still managed to kick ass in that OR and kick ass with the girls and their parents, the nurse took this picture the day we got to send him home, when I said the words below it, I wasn't just talking about the baby, that was for you, I love you, Alex' she took the note and put it next to her with the lid, tears streaming down her cheeks, she took out the layer of tissue paper and stared down at the silver photo frame, a photo of herself and Alex stood together in the NICU, the baby in Addison's arms, both of them smiling up at the camera, underneath the photo on a small piece of paper were the words 'You can have the worst crap in the world happen to you and you can get over it. All you gotta do is survive' written in Alex's handwriting, Addison let out a sob and wiped more tears from her cheeks.
"What is it?" Naomi asked quietly, Addison handed her the note and the box "Oh Addie" Naomi breathed "This is beautiful"
"Only Alex Karev can make the word crap beautiful" Addison said with a sad laugh.
"Addie if you love him, if you love him don't let him go" Naomi said softly "You'll regret it for the rest of your life"
"I'm so scared" Addison said shakily "I never used to be like this, I never used to be scared of being in love, I used to be able to let people in but, but now I just, I can't, I mean, it's a struggle to let you guys in, and I know that sounds insane but, it is and, I just, Nae I love him so much" she choked out, tears streaming freely down her cheeks "I love him so much but, I just, I'm so scared"
"I'm scared too" she heard Alex say from the doorway of her office, neither her or Naomi had heard the door open "I know you asked me to leave, but I got to my car and, I couldn't get in, I can't leave like this Addison" he said with a slight whisper.
"Nae can you just….go" Addison started with a whisper "I'm ok"
"Ok" Naomi said kissing her forehead, she stood up and left the room, closing the door behind her, Alex instantly moved to Addison's side as she started to sob heavily, his arms coming around her and holding her tightly.
"Sshh it's ok" he whispered against her hair, a tear of his own sliding down his cheek "It's ok, you're ok, everything's going to be ok"
"I, don't know, what, to, do" Addison choked before taking in a heaving breath "I love you" she cried "I love you and you hurt me, you know how hurt I already am Alex and you hurt me!" she exclaimed hitting against him "And I can't even hate you for it because I love you so much" she said wiping her tears away frantically "If you were me, if you were me what would you do, would you stay in a place where everyone you've ever loved has pushed you away? Or would you leave? I couldn't stay there, I could only just be around Derek and, then you I couldn't, I couldn't be there anymore, I didn't think I'd ever fall in love again, I really didn't, I thought Derek was it, but then, then you were there and, I tried to stop it but, I couldn't and, I fell in love with you" she whispered "And when we slept together, it wasn't everything I wanted because well, I didn't want the first time we slept together to be me pushing you into an on-call room, but I thought, just for that minute before my pager went off, when I lay next to you, everything felt, right, it felt, like it fit, I felt safe, and I haven't felt like that in, years" she breathed "And then for you to do that, it felt like someone punched me in the stomach, and I just, I know I've had worse things happen in my life, I know that, but that moment, it broke me, and my guard went straight back up"
"I'm so sorry" Alex said wiping her tears away "I am so sorry, I freaked out, I freaked out because, I didn't know how to handle it, I didn't know how to handle being in love, because I've never done it before, I've never been in a serious relationship, because there's never been anyone I've wanted to be with this much, and it scared me, it still does scare me, but I just know, that you are the only one for me, and I will do anything to get another chance, and I know you're scared, but I really truly believe, we can be together, and we can make it work"
Addison brushed her thumbs against his cheeks, wiping away a tear from the corner of his eye, she leaned into him and kissed him softly "I love you" she whispered against his lips "But I don't know if I can go back there"
"I'm not asking you to go back" Alex said quietly "I'll move out here, if this is where you want to be, this can be our fresh start, together"
"But you have a life in Seattle Alex, you have friends and, your job and…."
"My friends all have cell phones, and they can come and visit, and I can visit them, and my job, I can get a transfer Addison"
"I don't want you to do that for me" Addison whispered.
"I'm not doing it for you" Alex said cupping her face in his hands "I'm doing this for us"
"Us" Addison said quietly "Naomi's making me go home, can you, come with me?"
"Of course" Alex said kissing her forehead "So, we're doing this?"
"We're doing this" Addison smiled softly "Thank you for the gift" she said picking it up from where Naomi had placed it on the coffee table "It's beautiful Alex"
"It's nothing" Alex said with a small shrug "It's just, that case stuck out at me, not just because of the whole, baby trash can thing, but you, I can't even imagine how you were feeling that day, and you kicked ass, I mean, at the time I didn't really think of you as anything other than my boss but, I could see how hurt you were feeling, and I meant what I said, the key to life, is surviving, and we're both still here, we've both been through crap but, we're both still here, and we should be thankful for that if nothing else"
"I am" Addison said softly "I am thankful for that"
"Good" Alex smiled.
"I want you to tell me" Addison said quietly "About, your family" she said tentatively "I know something happened, I don't know what but, something happened to you when you were a kid, and I can tell that you don't talk about it much but, I want to know, because that's what I'm here for"
"I don't think I'm him" Alex said quietly "I don't think I'm him but, sometimes I just get scared that I could be, but, I promise you Addison, I will never hurt you like he hurt my Mom, ever"
Addison didn't even have to ask to know what he was talking about "I know" she said softly, her hand placed softly on the side of his face, her thumb on his cheek "I know Alex, I know you wouldn't, I trust you" she said taking his hands and squeezing them "That's where we need to start, with trust, no matter how hard it is for both of us, we need to believe, so, I trust you Alex"
"I trust you" Alex said bring their hands to his lips and kissing her fingers "Let's go home Addie"
"Let's go home" Addison smiled.
End.