So this is…different from what I've written in the past.
It's more of an inner monologue from third party perspective and it is about Renji. Renji and how he seems to put other people's feelings ahead of himself in most things he does.
Also, it's a rather unusual pairing. I would like my readers to comment on THEIR thoughts of it. Reviews feed my inspiration and helps me know what I've done right and wrong!
And…ah, nevermind. No more talking, you're here for the stories. Scroll past the disclaimers if you want and just go right ahead!
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any characters concerning it. If I did, Ikkaku and Yumichika would have gotten way more screentime and there would have been more time devoted to Yumichika's real shikai and such!
Pairings: Onesided RenjiRukia. SOMEWHAT onesided RenjiYumichika and YumichikaIkkaku (no, does not mean that Yumichika tops; that is not how this IkkaYumi fangirl rolls~).
Warnings: If you dislike boyxboy pairings, this is where you turn around.
Enjoy.
STORY STARTS
Some things are better left alone. And some thoughts are better left unthought, as some words are better left unsaid.
Abarai Renji knows this better than anyone else. He has many times had wants that he never voiced. Those things he wanted were things that if he DID voice them, they would only become troublesome to those he cared about.
Like with Rukia. When he loved her, he loved her with a passion that scared him half to death. For years in Rukongai, he let his feelings grow for her unchecked and he would beat up the other kids (and adults, eventually) that stared at her. But when they got to the Academy in Seireitei, when they both trained to become Shinigami…when the Kuchiki family showed an interest in her. Then he had known it wouldn't last. Couldn't last, because it was an opportunity for her that would never come by again. So he had gripped her by the shoulders and encouraged her to do it, become an adoptive part of that family.
Renji knew he had hurt her with that. She might have avoided his gaze as she left, but that had just spoken times louder than if she had let him see her tears.
They had still been close, but it had never been the same between them. Renji had let her go and she knew that. Rukia accepted it and adapted to the new circumstances. With time, Renji did too. But he never let go of his goal to make Kuchiki Byakuya acknowledge him; it wouldn't change anything, but it had to be done for him to move on as fully as Rukia had.
When it came to his true desires, if they clashed with someone else's, Renji would simply let go. He was that kind of guy, he supposed, that would rather see the one's he cared about happy with someone else than claim them for himself. Even when the subject of his desires couldn't get what they wanted.
When in Squad 11, Renji had for once inconvenienced someone. His desire to beat Kuchiki Byakuya had driven him to seek out someone that could train him well enough to reach Bankai and maybe finally quit howling to the moon and actually touch it. Madarame Ikkaku had, if a little reluctantly at first, taken up this task. It brought them close, they became friends. Maybe, just maybe, Renji idolized him a little, as well. Ikkaku was a man of strong morals and honest in his intentions. Most of the time.
In becoming friends with Ikkaku, Renji had also been brought closer to Ayasegawa Yumichika; the narcissistic beau of Squad 11. And that was where his most recent problem started.
There was no denying it; Ayasegawa Yumichika was beautiful. Desirable, too, and damned sexy when he put his mind to it. There wasn't a single man in Squad 11 that wouldn't, if sometimes a bit shamefully, admit that they had at least ONCE thought about sleeping with him. Many outside of the squad would openly admit it, too. Yumichika knew all this, and was quite proud of it. But he never took advantage of it. Sure, he would flirt and play around with men around him, but never went any further than words and coy glances.
Renji had been unable to resist Yumichika. First drawn in by his looks and then completely knocked down by his personality. He could be a hissy little bitch sometimes, but most of the time he was gentle, giving to his friends and caring a lot about the people around him. Yes, he was a narcissist and fretted a little bit too much about his looks, but…well, when he was DONE fretting, those looks were damned fine.
He hadn't meant to be drawn towards him. Not at all.
It was just…the way Yumichika would smile towards him sometime, the way Yumichika always focused his whole, undivided attention on someone when they talked to him. Despite seeming selfish and self-centred, Yumichika was a very good listener and would give heartfelt advice every time he felt he could.
Yumichika could read people easily, quite the opposite of Ikkaku in that way. He had seen how he felt for Rukia, but had not given advice on that. He had told him he needed to sort that out all by himself. All he HAD said was that it wouldn't all work out by just sitting around brooding or trying to knock down a certain noble from his pedestal.
Then, Yumichika had noticed Renji's attraction towards HIM. Renji realised that when he had been talking to Yumichika, stuttering and stumbling over his words when the slender man had reached over to pat him on the shoulder. Then, Yumichika had paused, frowned…and then his eyes had widened in realisation. Renji had thought his face would spontaneously combust with heat from embarrassment at being caught.
"Oh." He had said.
"Uh. Yeah." Renji had managed to get out in response. "Sorry."
Then, Yumichika had smiled lightly and touched his cheek. Leaning a bit closer to breathe a slow, gentle kiss to his lips. It had taken Renji by such surprise that he had been left gaping when Yumichika eventually pulled back a little to look him in the eye. Those violet eyes, usually amused and teasing, were serious and gentle.
"It's okay." He had whispered, voice soft and so tender it almost hurt Renji's heart to hear it.
They didn't mention it further after that. But Yumichika would sometimes send him glances when he looked at him for too long. And he would smile; a secretive little smile that was between them only.
Renji could have tried to pursue Yumichika further after that. Yumichika already knew how he felt and hadn't exactly rejected him or anything.
But there was simply no way.
Especially not after he learned where Yumichika's true feelings were directed.
They had all been drinking, as Squad 11 always did. Ikkaku was gambling with some of them, grinning and roaring as he won almost every roll of dice.
Yumichika sat outside of the loud crowd, by his own table, and watched the game from afar with a small smile. Drinking slowly from a delicate cup filled with sake. Renji had quickly gotten bored with losing and had gone over to him to sulk and drink.
"Damn Madarame and his luck!" He had complained to the slight, slender Shinigami as he downed half a bottle of sake in one go. "Now I won't be able to get myself ANYTHING until the next pay!"
"Why do you think I never play against him?" Yumichika had rolled his eyes at him and looked quite amused. "Even back in Rukongai, he never once lost a game of chance."
"Ugh. Guess you're smarter than the rest of us."
"Or I just know him a little better than the rest of you." There had been a certain tone to Yumichika's voice that had made him look away from the game taking place further away from them.
Yumichika had had his arms wrapped loosely around his pulled up knees, resting his chin on them as he regarded Ikkaku with a gaze that was filled with many conflicting emotions. It was a warm gaze, though, and one of adoration. But it had been sad, too, sad and longing. The look had lasted for only ten seconds; then Yumichika had noticed him staring, flushed and had quickly changed the subject.
Those ten seconds were enough, though.
Renji knew then that Yumichika belonged to Ikkaku, whether the pretty Shinigami liked it or not. Or acknowledged it or not.
What struck him as odd, though, was that despite those two knowing each other so well, despite being able to read each other like open books and communicating without words on the battlefield and elsewhere, Ikkaku didn't have a clue about Yumichika's feelings. To Renji, it was almost painfully obvious after that first observation.
Wherever Ikkaku went, Yumichika was sure to be right there with him. On missions, drinking parties, training…ever since the moment they met in Rukongai, Yumichika had followed him. He had confessed as much to Renji. Said that Ikkaku had saved him from some bandits on the road and then taken him to the nearest town for treatment for his wounds and to get him a new kimono ("Those brutes ripped the one I had been wearing, the bastards! And it was almost completely new, too!" Yumichika had complained loudly with a huffy look on his face; to this day, that was the part of the robbery that had pissed him off the most). Then, Yumichika had followed him. And Ikkaku seemingly hadn't complained too much about it.
The only place Yumichika hadn't followed Ikkaku to, persay, was Squad 11. He entered that squad by his own free will and never regretted that choice.
Another sign of Yumichika's affections that Renji thought Ikkaku would have noticed long ago was the LOOKS Yumichika would give him. Those second long glances that were filled with so much emotion it almost hurt to look at him during those times. Ikkaku would sometimes catch him looking and then only ask what the hell he was staring at and self consciously wipe at his face in search for dirt. Yumichika would flush and quickly look away and Ikkaku didn't seem to catch the hint.
It kind of pissed Renji off, to be honest. HOW could Ikkaku possibly be so dense that he wouldn't notice how Yumichika felt? It was like he couldn't see the forest because of all of the trees in the way. Ikkaku never noticed the way Yumichika looked at him, touched him and just LOVED him from afar.
What pissed Renji off even more was how Ikkaku didn't even appreciate what he could have if he just opened those dark eyes of his. He didn't see how he could have Yumichika, whom loved him so damn much, that would do ANYTHING for him. Yumichika who fought back to back with him, took care of him when he was injured (if a bit roughly when cleaning out his wounds) and fucking COOKED for him.
Instead, he would chase after meaningless fucks and talk about them with the other squad members later on. About how this or that woman had had legs up to HERE (showing the measurements with his hands and arms) or boobs the size of something-or-other. While Yumichika sat beside him and silently sharpened his sword or fiddled with a loose thread in his orange wrist warmer.
And what pissed Renji off the most was how HE noticed all those things about Yumichika, that HE got so pissed at Ikkaku for NOT noticing…
…because Renji wanted Yumichika in a way Ikkaku didn't seem to. And HE wasn't what Yumichika truly wanted.
He knew he shouldn't get pissed at Ikkaku. Ikkaku couldn't help that he was a bit ignorant to other people's feelings, that he had a hard time noticing things like that. And…and Renji felt goddamn GUILTY about his own anger towards the bald ("SHAVEN, YOU BASTARD!") Shinigami. His mentor, the man that had taken it upon himself to teach him how to reach Bankai faster, how to get stronger. The man that would never deny him a spar if he asked for it and would always help out those he cared about if he could.
Ikkaku was one of his best friends. And that was the biggest reason to why Renji would never even try to approach Yumichika about his feelings. Because of the off chance of Ikkaku finally noticing. Of Ikkaku noticing and realising something about his own feelings towards the slighter male (that were something more than just friendly; Ikkaku sometimes gave Yumichika looks and would talk about him much fonder than most when he was not in the room).
The other reason he wouldn't try to further show Yumichika how he felt about him was the most obvious one; Yumichika was already in love with Ikkaku. And he couldn't risk even trying to ruin that for him.
It was how it was supposed to be, Renji had decided long ago.
It was how it always had been, for him.
Abarai Renji was too selfless.
Abarai Renji refused to take anything that he knew someone else wanted stronger, or claim something for himself that he felt he didn't deserve or someone deserved more.
Abarai Renji was the kind of guy who wanted to do the right thing.
And he did.
Although Ikkaku never noticed Yumichika's LOOKS.
Although Yumichika noticed Renji's LOOKS.
Because some things are better left alone. And some thoughts are better left unthought, as some words are better left unsaid.
ENDPlease leave a comment and tell me your thoughts!
-TheBlondeMidget