Guiding Star

Obviously, I don't own anything to do with the Mass Effect universe as a whole.

A matter of perspective. Eighteen hours is not a long time, when you're trying to patch in an emergency air filter; or dismantle, repair, then rebuild a thruster assembly. And sometimes it's too long.

The destruction of the Normandy was quick, one had scarcely the time to think about anything beyond duty. Hardly minutes the Normandy lasted before it crumbled to the unknown attacking it, and then eighteen hours to contemplate the consequences of that sudden destruction. Of the explosion that ended the life of, perhaps, one of the most important people in Tali's life. Lieutenant Commander John Shepard.

However, it was that man that made it possible for the survivors to be found at all. John having sent off an emergency message before the Normandy was completely destroyed, the unknown enemy choosing not to destroy the life-pods.

Tali didn't see John getting spaced, Joker did. It was his report, that he made to Kaidan, that told everyone that their commander, their friend, died to save his life. His voice holding none of the spark, none of the cockiness that they had all grown to appreciate, just lifeless.

She knew that Joker blamed himself for John's death. She also knew that he needn't have done so.
Humans and quarians share at least one naval tradition in common. The Captain is the first one on the ship, and the last one off, and if the unthinkable happened, the Captain, if necessary, would remain on the ship, to go down with it.

So Tali knew that, if it wasn't Joker, it would have been someone else, even if John wasn't the de facto Captain of the ship, he still would have stayed behind, to save as many others as possible. When Tali felt the first attack, she knew, even if she didn't want to acknowledge it, that when she got to the crew deck, that would be the last time she'd see John alive.

Tali almost felt guilty that she was devoting so much of her grief mourning John, she knew that there were at least twenty other crew members that hadn't made it. For a Frigate the size of the Normandy, that was half of the crew.
But, she didn't love them, and that was enough of an excuse for her, cooped up with the others in the life-pod, to just grieve for John.

–

The Reykjavik was one of the larger cruiser class ships in the Human Systems Alliance, approximately 350 metres long, though close to twenty years old. It was the first to respond to the distress call from the Normandy. It was flanked by five frigate class ships, a classic wolf pack. Probably expecting some resistance. But finding no enemies, half a dozen life-pod beacons and the most expensive wreckage in the galaxy spiralling towards Alchera.

The Captain of the Reykjavik knew that this was no Geth attack. He knew well of the stealth systems that were employed by the Normandy. Or at least, the rumours, anyway. The Captain was a technical man by nature, once being an engineer before changing to the command track, so with the rumours he could figure out how it worked, and he knew the Geth couldn't see through the emissions sinking that the Normandy no doubt employed.

This was someone, something, entirely new.

He quickly ordered the frigates in the flotilla to search the space around the wreckage for any survivors, or, bodies, and ordered his comms officer to hail the life-pods, so they could be directed to dock.

–

The Captain made his way to his sickbay, meeting his chief medical officer.

"How is everyone?" He asked, quietly.

"For the most part, physically, they're fine. A few cuts, bruises, a broken arm. Nothing serious. It's mostly shock, really. Stress. They've just watched their ship be destroyed, and then had most of a day to stew on it. I'm not entirely sure about the status of the aliens on the ship, the Turian, Asari and Quarian all look physically fine. The quarian, Tali, I think her name is, seems to be the most deeply affected though. She hasn't said a word." He replied back in a low voice.

"Very well, when the most senior officer is healthy enough, have him report ASAP" the Captain responded, nodded at his CMO's nod in acknowledgement and returned to the bridge.

–

Lieutenant Kaidan Alenko was not a man that easily lost his temper. He learned that lesson early on Jump Zero, but, he knew he needed time, a large room, and a lot of fragile crates before he knew he was prepared with talking to people, rather than his friends.

He was worried for Tali. He knew that the destruction of the Normandy had hit her hard. He also knew that she and Shepard were close, even if no-one, including Shepard, noticed that. Kaidan had always been interested in other alien races, particularly after his introduction to them at BAaT, and the lesson that they were just as imperfect as everyone else, it made him appreciate the differences between the races, and apart from Shepard, he was probably the only other crew member on the Normandy to immediately accept the presence of aliens on the ship.

Kaidan had made it a point to learn as much about the other races as possible after he left BAaT, and while information on the quarians was slim, he knew that ships were truly homes to them, that their crew-mates were all but family to each other. That they relied on each other, holding the lives of their crew-mates in their hands with every patch, repair, and occasional upgrade. 'No secrets between shipmates' was a saying among Tali's people.
So, Kaidan knew probably better than most on the Reykjavik what the toll was of loosing the Normandy and her 'Captain', so to speak, to Tali.

He had tried to talk to her, but, almost before he had started, he was ordered to report to the Captain of the Reykjavik, where he was standing, at ease, in front of the Captains desk in his quarters.

"So, Lieutenant Alenko, what happened?" The Captain asked.

Fighting to keep his temper under control, "The Normandy was destroyed, sir", Kaidan bluntly responded.

The Captain pinched between his eyebrows, he easily understood the blunt response Alenko gave him, even if it bordered on insubordination. "I gathered as much, Lieutenant, I was more asking for any details. Who attacked the ship? Why did they attack?"

"I don't know the answer to either question, sir. I was on the crew deck when the attack occurred, Commander Shepard came racing out of his quarters already suited, save for his helmet, half a minute after that and called for an Evac, he then sent the distress signal, ordered myself and Tali to make sure the rest of the crew got to the escape pods, and then went to help Joker, err, Lieutenant Moreau, Shepard then died to save Joker, and now you know about as much as I do, sir." Kaidan responded.

The Captain nodded.

"If you don't mind, sir, but, may I be excused?" Kaidan asked, his teeth gritted while he fought to remain in control.

"Yes, of course, Port Cargo hold three should be free, and don't worry about damaging anything in there." He replied, noticing the startling amount of biotic energy charging up around Kaidan's body.

–

Joker struggled to reach Tali's temporary quarters, even with 28 years of practice with walking on crutches and braces, he was never going to be graceful. Alchera was quite off the beaten track, and it was just luck that there was another Alliance ship so near to rescue them, they had a week to travel to the nearest major Alliance base, transiting in a wolf-pack flotilla tended to make travel time longer, due to the increased inaccuracy of Mass Effect relays in transiting larger masses, so all the specialists and officers were given separate quarters, all human cruisers carried spare quarters for guests, and the twenty two survivors of the Normandy was not even close enough to stretch the limits of the guest quarters capacity of a cruiser the size of the Reykjavik.

Joker tapped the annunciator pad outside of Tali's door. He got no response. He noticed the door was unlocked, I'll take that as an invitation then, Joker thought to himself, and pressed the holographic button, feeling the haptic responses in the implants in his hands.

The room was dark, Tali was sitting on the bed, as small as possible, instinctively conserving as much space as she could.

Joker sighed. He liked Tali, and it was only because Garrus and Kaidan ganging up on him that convinced him that he should be the one to talk to her. Even if he felt that she would blame him for Shepard's death.

Joker was crippled, but not blind. Tali was the first thing that Shepard would talk about. In fact, he was convinced that most of the crew knew of Shepard's affection for the quarian engineer, even if Shepard was unaware of it himself.
Joker was also aware of Tali's fairly obvious affections for Shepard.

Joker liked Tali for her infectious good nature and curious demeanour. Seeing her this withdrawn didn't feel right to him.

He cautiously settled himself into the chair nearest her bed, waiting for the door to close and plunge the room back into the gloomy twilight that it must have been before he arrived.

"I'm sorry," Joker said quietly, more to the room as a whole, than to Tali, "If I had just listened to the Evac order, Shepard wouldn't have come for me, and he might still be alive." he admitted to the room.

"I don't expect you to forgive me." he bowed his head.

The running sounds of the ship were deafening to Joker for the five minutes he waited for a response. Any response. He sighed again, and, as he started to move to stand again the exotic sound of Tali's voice came from her helmet speaker interrupted him, "I don't blame you. I never did blame you. It wasn't your fault." she said softly.

"Oh," Joker was surprised. He didn't expect Garrus and Kaidan to be right. "Look, I'm not saying you have to get over Sh... err, losing the ship, right this minute, but, we're starting to get worried. Hell, Garrus managed to work the stick out of his ass long enough to talk me into coming down here." he paused, "If that doesn't convince you, then nothing will."

"I'm s..." she started, but was interrupted by Joker, "No, no apologies, if I'm not allowed, then, you aren't either. We're not saying you have to leave this room right now, however, just think, if Shepard were here, would he want you to isolate yourself from everyone else? Just think about it, okay?" Joker finished.

The atmosphere was oppressive, hundreds of people from all the council races were present to pay off their last respects to the man she silently loved.

Tali was stricken with grief, and she was aware that she was probably making her unshared feelings as obvious to everyone, as the suit she was wearing. Claustrophobia had gripped her like she had never felt. As a quarian she was used to tight spaces, not only because space was short on the flotilla but also because of the suits that all quarians were forced to wear.

In spite of that she felt closed in by the mass of people there, it was only her desire to pay her own last respects, that she remained to see off the man she loved so that she could, maybe, move on. Though she couldn't imagine how.

Tali had been surprised at the seemingly genuine respects that had been paid to the empty coffin, but she had supposed that Shepard's saving the council had something to do with that.

She was surprised mainly because the council had tried to keep quiet the existence of the Reapers and Tali had cynically thought that they would be glad to be rid of him. Her lack of faith in the Council overriding her good nature.
She reasoned that they probably were glad to see him gone, but were probably upset that their saviour had died, as well as losing a good public relations opportunity.

It was finally councillor Anderson's time to speak, Tali didn't really hear the words that he said as she reflected on the person who made his councillorship possible.
She knew she'd miss the fire in his eyes in the presence of injustice, the compassion he extended to strangers, alien or human, the conversations they had in engineering and the civility and acceptance he showed when their opinions differed.

Above all she would miss his friendship, even though she wanted to have more, she knew that that was unlikely, even impossible, after all she still had her pilgrimage to finish, something else that he helped her with, she had to get back to her people, back home. Even though she couldn't help but feel that she has lost the only home she truly had.

–

Garrus, Tali, Joker, Kaidan, Chakwas and Liara were sat around a table in Garrus' new apartment, mere hours after the funeral. The room was quiet, each staring into their drinks, or some place a thousand kilometres away, reflecting on the words that Wrex had recorded to be displayed at the funeral.

Tali hadn't honestly been surprised at the words.
'Shepard may not have died fighting, but, he did the next best thing. He died to save his krannt. He was a true battlemaster, and a Friend.'

Few words, but, probably the most true words said during the whole funeral. He died as he had lived, putting others before himself.

"Man, Wrex is full of surprises. Next thing they'll tell me is that he can sing Opera, and can dance a can-can." Joker quipped into the silent room.

Tali couldn't help but giggle at the mental image, and it started everyone else off.

–

"I can't believe it!" Joker shouted, hobbling to the table at Flux, holding a data-pad in his hand, he threw it at the table and gingerly sat down.

"I've been grounded." he rumbled, "Psychological reasons, apparently. 'Congrats for helping save the council, cripple, now, you're grounded so you can fix your head'. Assholes." he finished, scowling at the fresh drink a waiter left in front of him.

"Yeah, apparently, I'm being promoted, ordered to say nothing about the reapers, and I'm going on some sort of secret mission, or training." Kaidan responded, having just returned from his debriefing too.

"Yeah, pin a medal on your chest, pat you on the head, and then told to shut up. They basically did the same thing to me, except, you know, with the whole grounded thing." Joker responded.

"Looks like you're all being reassigned," Garrus commented, "They're doing a good job of splitting our team up, by the looks of it."

"With Shepard g-gone, I'll be returning to the flotilla," Tali responded, "I might have stayed to help against the Reapers otherwise, but, my people need me more now. I was basically told, outright, that the Geth were being blamed for everything, which will make quarians, including me, unpopular, to say the least."

"I think Chakwas has been reassigned planet-side somewhere, and Liara told me she was going to go back into research. They both told me that they'd been strongly discouraged in remaining here. Looks like I'm the only one who's going to stay on the Citadel. I'm going to rejoin C-Sec, and reapply for Spectre status, like I told Shepard I would do." Garrus said, then turned to Tali, "While you're still here, you're always welcome to stay at my place, the Citadel wasn't exactly friendly to quarians before the council decided to blame the attack on the Geth, it's the least I could do until you can arrange transportation to the Migrant Fleet."

"Thanks" Tali responded, sounding relieved.

"A toast then?" Kaidan asked.

"It might be our last one for a while, so, why not." Joker responded.

Kaidan nodded, "Okay, to the fallen, and the missing," lifting his glass.

"To the journey," Tali continued, lifting her sealed container.

"To promises," Garrus added, lifting his glass.

"And to flying." Joker added, with a grin.

–

Shepard's VI had startled Tali, it was two weeks since the funeral and she had just finished making arrangements to return back to the Migrant Fleet; Liara, Kaidan, Joker, and Chakwas having already left.

She knew the VI well, Shepard was something of a tinkerer when it came to his VI in particular and it pained her to realise just how much of him, his personality, was in the simulation.

What it was delivering had surprised her, it was his will, or at least what he had left to her, it was a recorded message so she steeled herself.

She brought up her Omni-Tool and set the message to play.

Shepard appeared a moment after, with the smile that she had fallen in love with.
"Tali, if you're watching this then that must mean that I'm, uhh, no longer alive," he tried not to be too blunt, because he was aware of Tali's potential discomfort with the subject, "I hope that I at least went out helping someone, or in a damned good fight, but I suppose beggars can't be choosers so regardless I want my will to do something useful. If you check your bank account you should notice that I've deposited a million credits to it, in the hope that it will help the Migrant Fleet, now before you start arguing with my VI to say you can't accept it, it's too late, I'm obviously not in a position to use it, and I've already given the rest to others and other causes. It's yours now so make it useful."

Shepard paused, he obviously decided not to edit the message too much. Tali wasn't that shocked at Shepard's generosity, she knew that this was exactly the sort of thing he'd do anyway.

"On watching this, my VI has also sent all the data I've personally collected on the Geth to you. I know, I know, we've had our disagreements about your peoples past, but, I hope that the data is useful in helping your people either fight the Geth, or, hopefully, find peace with the them. It's not much, but I was hoping to give you the data before you left to return back to the fleet as a parting gift, but since I'm not around any more, I suppose that this is the best I can do."

Tali couldn't remember Shepard ever speaking for so long, but it was evident that he still had more to say, so she let the recording continue.

"On a more personal note, I've decided to bequeath my Star of Terra to you. Normally Medals of the fallen go to the next of kin, their family. My other medals will be going to my mother, but you've fought side by side with me perhaps the most, and I can't think of a better person for this one to go to." he smiled.

"All things considered, it's not much, I'm sure you can recognise, living shipboard most of my life means that I own, and have owned little. So, finally, with this message contains an archive of my personal logs, you're free to view them as you wish.

"I'm sorry I'm not there to see you off to your home. That I'll not see the Migrant Fleet. It was an honour and a pleasure to work with you, and I'm glad to be able to call you a friend." and the recording stopped.

Tali ignored the replay command on her omni-tool, tears streaked her cheeks, wishing, not for the first time in the last two weeks, for the simple ability of being able wipe her tears from her face.

–

Personal Log of LT-Commander John Shepard, July 25th 2183.

So, we've just escaped from the Citadel. I hope Anderson isn't to harshly punished for opening the locks.
We're on our way to Ilos, deep in the Terminus. We may not be the Citadel fleet, but, we should be able to do something. I have confidence in everyone of my crew, that we will succeed.

According to Tali, stealing a ship is one of the last Capital offences in the Migrant Fleet, most other Capital offences were communicated to exile instead, all except stealing a ship.
I hope, when she does return to the Fleet, they don't try to, err, try her for helping me in this. If I lost her like that, I... I don't know what I'd do without her. She's one of the few bright sparks of light in this galaxy. One of the few things I can rely on. A guiding star, even.

She means more to me than I can probably say in words. I think I love her, but I also know she has to go back to the Flotilla, if not after Ilos, then after we defeat the Reapers. And I don't think they'd take too kindly to her presenting her pilgrimage gift to me.

Besides, she deserves to be with someone... safer. My job isn't getting easier, she can find someone to love on the Flotilla, I can accept that, though, I may regret it.

I'll be taking her with me to Ilos, Garrus too. I trust her, and that cranky Turian with my life, unreservedly. Well, I trust them all. But Garrus is like a brother, and, if Tali is with me, then, I at least have some control over what happens to her, even if we are neck deep in the middle of a battlefield.

And, Tali, if you're listening to this, because I know, in my will, you'll have a copy of my personal logs, thank you. Thank you for being my guiding star.

A/N: Parts of this have been sitting on my hard drives for months now, and, in a pique of ennui, I decided to do something with those bits. This is more to get back on the horse than for any necessarily great literature (though, if I do say so myself, I've written far worse... and I've either just complimented myself or insulted myself there, take your pick :B), just to try to crawl out from the creative block I've been in.

For reference, if I do any further Mass Effect fan fiction (which is very likely), it will all be within the same 'universe'. Also I tried to keep it all fitting within canon, but, it goes without saying that this is probably very slightly AU.

Finally, I've probably used a handful of common tropes and memes I may have picked up in reading other mass effect fanfiction, to that, I say, great minds think alike :B.