When he says he really wants to see me, I light up inside. But moments are always fleeting. I just imagine him saying it to me because who he really wants to see doesn't want to see him. She left him. He needs me right now, because he can't have her. I am a distraction. I make him feel warm inside, I soothe his pain, and when he's around me he isn't haunted and consumed by thoughts of her. I can briefly take away his pain, but moments are always fleeting. He can hurt me. Once he's over her, if ever, he won't need me. I'm dispensable and he's broken. And this is the way our unfair world works.
He needs me.
I want him.
Everyone wants to be needed.
Everything he tells me: every thought, every dream, every feeling has already been told. The things he told her, she must have known everything about him. He knew her like the back of his hand. He loved her. He loves her. He needs me. Temporarily. I think of him, and can only think of her. I'm not her. Does he want me to be? Am I like her? Does he wish I were like her? Will he ever stop loving her?
I don't know if I want him if I can't have all of him. I know that's a lie, of course I want him. I just don't want to want him. When he looks away and is distant, is he thinking of her? I can't see us together. Thinking of him, hearing his name, brings butterflies to my stomach, but it's not right. I can't see us together. It's as if the world was supposed to have him and her together. Like it was right. It is right. It's just not the right time.
We connect though. We have chemistry we're comfortable in each other. We have become all too comfortably numb.
What happens when she wants him back?
But I already know the answer to that.
I can see it in his eyes. The pain every time someone mentions her name. How he still says her name over and over again in sleep. Lily. He needs her. He misses her. He still loves her.