"I deserve someone who'll stay. I love you and I'm glad you're okay, but I deserve someone who won't leave me" Alex said, his voice cracking. A month ago he would've said it was crazy to think he'd ever leave Izzie, but that was before she left him first. Staring at her, watching her try not to cry, he almost wanted to say he didn't mean it, that he would always love her no matter how much she hurt him, but he knew that loving someone so much you almost hate wasn't healthy for a relationship. Loving her had shown him that he was a good guy, that he didn't deserve to be hurt by her anymore.
She turned away from him, trying to process what was happening. She blinked rapidly, praying with every blink that this was all a dream. She stood up from the bench and said "Okay", reaching for the brain scans in Alex's hands but not looking at his face. She was finally cancer-free, and somehow she was as devastated as when she found she had cancer in the first place. She understood where he came from; she had broken his heart by blaming him for her being fired and refused to hear him when he tried to explain the real story. Now she comes sauntering back into his life, expecting him to forgive her with no good reason. Ending the relationship would be best for both of them, she thought; they both needed move on.
The next few weeks at the hospital were torture, for both of them. Seeing each other around the hospital, working together in the OR, eating in the same cafeteria with the same people; it was impossible to move on like that, but Izzie knew there was no turning back. She couldn't fix what she had done to him, nor could he understand or forgive her for her actions. They'd simply have to get on with it.
"It ridiculous. Bailey knows I deserve that surgery, but she's still punishing me for last week. That little Adamson girl was asking for it. Those Mercy West residents can't tell their ass from a scalpel."
It had only been a week, but Christina was ready to kill all the new residents that spilled over from the hospital merger. Even the way she chewed her salad sounded like she was grinding up their bones in her mouth. Sitting with her and Meredith at lunch eased some of the tension between her and Alex; those two provided enough of a distraction that Izzie didn't feel the need to cry every time she sat down a few seats away from Alex. Every now and then she would think she saw his eyes flash over to her, just for a quick second, but whenever she sneaked a glance at his face, Alex was always mindlessly munching away on his lunch.
He hated showing emotion, especially vulnerability, and it made it that much more impossible to tell how he felt about her since they had broken up. He hadn't asked her for divorce papers yet, but then again he'd barely even look at her. That's it, Izzie thought. If he wasn't going to ask her for anything or even acknowledge her, she'd have to figure it out for herself. They couldn't keep tiptoeing around each other, refusing to talk about what would happen next.
Alex looked up from his sandwich when he heard her chair screech against the tile floor. Izzie mumbled something about checking on a patient, took her tray, and left through the double doors, all without even looking at him. At least the lunch torture was over. One more day down, who knows how many more left?
He hated his oncology rotation; walking through a cancer ward was bad enough with the stench of death surrounding everything, but since Izzie's fight with cancer, now it reminded him of her too. All he could do was pray he got through it without wanting to throw a chair though the glass doors. One upside to his day was Leslie, one of his patients that was actually responding to her treatment and doing surprisingly well. Knowing he was actually helping someone made it easier to get through his day.
Alex walked into Leslie's room with a smile on his face and good news to share. The tumor in her brain was shrinking as they'd hoped and soon enough it would be small enough for them to operate on and remove. When he entered the room he saw that Leslie's husband was there too. Even better, he thought; he'd only have to explain everything once.
Despite Alex's happier mood, Leslie looked upset and Mike looked hurt and lost.
"Why don't you just get out? I don't need you in here holding my hand and coddling me!" Leslie was shouting at him, her face turning red with every word and her heart monitor going crazy.
"Hey, hey, hey! What's going on in here? Leslie, calm down." Alex said, trying to alleviate the rapidly building tension in the room. Mike stormed out of the room, unable to respond to Leslie. He pushed past Alex, ignoring the scans in his hand that would have let the couple know of the good news.
Leslie turned away from Alex, silent, angry tears forcing their way out of her eyes. Alex felt awful seeing her cry, but he also couldn't understand why she had been so cruel to Mike. Her husband had been there for her every step of the way, always understanding, or at least trying to understand her pain.
"You know you don't have to be so harsh on him. He's a good guy, Leslie."
"What else am I supposed to do? I'm dying, and he keeps pretending everything's going to be okay."
"Isn't that what he's supposed to do? And besides, you know you've been getting better. The tumor's almost operable. A few more treatments and we'll get rid of it for good." Alex tried to get her to smile at the good news, but she was determined to keep the scowl on her face.
"You don't get it. If God was harsh enough to take everything else away from me and leave me to die, He's definitely cruel enough to dangle this in front of me too."
The couple had been trying to get pregnant for years and just months before she was diagnosed they had found out Leslie was finally pregnant. The treatments for the cancer had to begin immediately if they wanted the tumor to stop growing and so their miracle was over as soon as it had begun. Mike seemed to see it as a form of hope; if she could get pregnant once, all she had to do was defeat the cancer and it would happen again. Leslie on the other hand had never said much on the topic, but Alex was beginning to realize she didn't feel the same way.
"That's no reason to hurt him when he's just trying to help," Alex reasoned with her, hoping to change the mood of the room. This room was the only good part of his entire rotation. If he didn't have at least this, the next few weeks would become unbearable.
"I know he's trying his best, but what am I supposed to do with that? This pain, thinking I'm going to die, knowing that my body betrayed me and forced me to kill my child… how am I supposed to let him love me when I hate myself? I need someone to let this anger out on and unfortunately he's the one who's always right there. I don't know how to not be angry at the world!"
Something dawned on Alex as he watched Leslie struggle to understand her own anger and emotions. The entire time Izzie was sick she tried so hard to keep up appearances and try to make everyone else feel better. She should have been angry at the world, angry with him, angry with whomever she wanted, but instead she kept all that anger in and smiled when it hurt most. While he didn't deserve the way Izzie had treated him after Webber fired her, Alex was also beginning to understand that she needed to be upset with someone and he was the one always there for her. Besides, don't you always hurt the ones you love most?
Alex kept an eye out for her all day, hoping to catch her in the hallways or elevator, or anywhere really. He needed to talk to her, needed to explain his epiphany, before she decided it was over for good. However, now that he was actually trying to find her, she was nowhere to be found. It infuriated him, and with every hour he couldn't find her, the more he started snapping at everyone else.
"Have you seen Izzie?" he practically shouted at Christina when he saw her heading down the hallway.
"What crawled up your butt? No, but I think she was in surgery with Bailey. OR 3, I think .They should be out by now though. Why don't you check the board?" she snapped back, refusing to tolerate his foul mood.
Without another word, Alex turned around and hurried down to the operating room, praying he caught her before she disappeared again. He passed by the rec room on his way there when he saw a flash of short, blonde hair through the window. Izzie.
He went into the room, ready to explain himself when Izzie looked up from the papers she had in front of her.
"Oh, there you are. I was just looking for you. I signed the divorce papers. Though you would want them sooner than later," she said, he voice tentative and soft. Alex just looked at her, dumbfounded and trying to understand what she had just said. Was he already to late? He refused to believe that. He picked the papers off the table and pretended to look them over. Once he was done "looking them over" he turned around and dumped them right into the trashcan by the door.
Izzie gasped and when he turned around Alex could see the look of confusion on her face. He bent down and kissed her lightly and looked straight at her.
"I was being an idiot. I was hurt and I was being an idiot. We both made mistakes."
Alex straightened as Izzie stood up, and before she could say anything he hugged her, burying his face in her shoulder. Immediately he felt her body relax into the hug and he breathed a sigh of relief. If they could get through cancer they could get through this too.