August 27, 2013 – Present Day
I sat down by my window, watching the rain fall down on the earth as I sipped a cup of hot chocolate. My legs curled up beneath me as I cuddled closer to the quilt he had given me. I tried throwing it out, to rid myself of anything that reminded me of him but it was no use. Everything reminded me of him. Memories of the days we spent together in complete bliss flooded my mind like the rain flooded the streets. But the days that our love started getting awry also haunted me, especially now since our six month anniversary was coming up. Or so it would have been.
It was rather difficult not thinking about him when his whole being still lingered around me like a ghost. I could still hear his contagious, nasally laughter in the back of my head. I could still picture him smiling widely whenever he walked out of the studio with a fresh new song in his hands. The way his fingers glided over the strings on his guitar as he played a beautiful melody. I could remember where every one of his beauty marks lied on his face. I could remember the way my stomach churned whenever he put his arms around my waist, goose-bumps coursing my body as he planted soft wet kisses along my neck. The way his lips curled into a smirk whenever his t-shirts were the only thing covering my body. I could feel his fingers on my skin, running down my arm as we lay in bed together. I could still feel the touch of his lips on my own. The way we fit perfectly together like a puzzle.
But with the good memories also came the bad ones. I remember seeing the pictures of him and Miss Universe walking together, three days after he trekked off for his summer tour. I forget her name or so I say, I just choose not to acknowledge it. She's part of the reason I left. A part of me wanted to believe it was just two friends hanging out, nothing more nothing less. But another part of me was fuming with rage with that fact that three days after leaving me behind he'd already forgotten me for someone else. Although I don't blame him, she's gorgeous. Ten times more gorgeous than I'll ever be. Maybe that's why for a while he had forgotten about my bane existence, pushing me to the back of a shelf like a book he'd long forgotten. I remember the days prior to my leaving that were filled with endless arguing, tears and things being shattered against walls. We both said things we didn't mean, did things we'd regret but it happened, all of it and there's nothing neither one of us can do to change that. We had torn each others hearts apart all because of one simple mistake.
The rain was a soft hum of pitter patter against my window. The clouds were muggy and gray, casting a sad grey overcast above the beautiful New York City. I looked down at my cup of hot chocolate that was now getting cold and took one last sip. The warm liquid slid down my throat bringing me some warmth on this cold, foggy day. But nothing could bring me as much warmth as he did when he wrapped his arms around me in a tight embrace. I sighed deeply, standing up from my spot by the window and let my bare feet trudge across the cold wooden floor towards the kitchen.
"I need to stop thinking about him." I muttered under my breath as I placed my owl mug in the sink with the rest of the dishes that have been neglected for the past few days.
Neglect, that seemed to play a big part in my life these days. We had both neglected the things that we held near and dear to our hearts which brought us to our breaking point. These past three months without him have been miserable. Everything in my life was moving in slow motion. I felt stuck. It was like everyone around me was moving on, moving forward with their lives while I'm stuck in the middle trying to push myself to move on but I can't.
A knock on my door brings me out of my daze. I pull my cardigan closer to my body as I make my way towards the front door. Even though I had lost all contact with him, his brother still came by to visit me whenever he could. I open the door expecting him standing there with his hands stuffed into his front pockets, just like he used to do it, but there was no one. All I found was a letter and a box of my favorite chocolates lying on my front "welcome" mat.
I looked around the hallway, wondering if it was a mistake or this was some weird joke his brother was playing on me. The hallway was empty, completely and utterly empty. I looked down at the present before me and noticed my name written across the envelope. I picked it up and when I got a closer look at the handwriting my breath hitched in my throat. I can recognize his chicken scratch handwriting anywhere.
I shut the door behind me, holding onto the letter with shaking hands. I set the box of chocolates down on the coffee table and took a seat on the couch. I pulled my knees up to my chest staring at the letter as if it wasn't real. I could feel the tears welling in my eyes.
"This can't be." I whispered pushing my glasses further up on the bridge of my nose. How had he found me? When I left I moved into a condo where he would never find me. I lost all contact with him. I made his brother swear on his life that he would never reveal my whereabouts to him.
I took a deep breath preparing myself for whatever the letter contained before prying it open. I could smell his cologne on the paper, making it feel like he was sitting right next to me.
Dear Jocelyn,
Can I call you Jo still? I know how much you loved it when I called you that, so much to the point where if anyone else called you Jo you'd act as if they weren't there. It's raining cats and dogs outside. I sit here writing to you as I watch the rain flood the streets and I can't help but think about you. Hell, I'm ALWAYS thinking about you. Everything I see reminds me of you. I've been sitting here, waiting for your return since the very moment you stepped out of our door. Today I stared at the neglected dishes piling up in the sink and I could almost hear you mumble curse words as you angrily washed them, complaining about how I never seem to wash my own dishes. Well Jo, today I washed the dishes and fed Elvis who misses you dearly. Remember how I would always forget to put the toilet seat down? Well today I've pulled down the lid of the toilet after I've used it but a nagging voice in the back of my head keeps tempting me to leave it up hoping that by some miracle I hear you bickering when you see that I've left it up. I can almost hear you now, curse words escaping your luscious pink lips every few seconds. And if I close my eyes I can see you standing by the doorway of our bedroom, your arms crossed over your chest as you stare at me with fire burning daggers, your hair falling to the mid of your back in soft black waves. But I know all I have to do is flash you a smile and your anger melts away in seconds, but I know now, if I ran into you in this very second that it wouldn't work on you. I've hurt you, neglected you and I'm terribly sorry for causing you such immense pain. We've both done things we regret, I know I have, and there's nothing we can do to change it. I took your heart and shattered it. You took my heart when you left and now I'm stuck with a hollow hole in my chest. I know I can't change what I did but I just want us to try and fix things. Please come back, I'll be waiting, no matter how long it takes you.
Love always, Nick.
P.S. I was at the store the other day and managed to find myself in the candy aisle. I saw your favorite chocolates and I knew I just had to get them for you. Enjoy my love.
I crumpled the letter close to my chest, fresh new tears streaming down my face as his words hit me like a ton of bricks. He had taken the time to update me on his life since I left. I felt like screaming like going after him and fighting for him but I couldn't. A part of me was happy that he had finally gotten the courage to contact me but another part of me was fuming with rage at the fact that he didn't just knock on my door and when I opened it he would pull me into his embrace, kiss me and never let me go. So many questions were running through my mind I was sure I was going to get whiplash.
I set the crumpled letter next to the box of chocolates on the coffee table and forced myself to get off the couch. I slowly but surely made my way down the hall to my bedroom. My bedroom. Such simple words were so difficult to say, they tasted like venom. I was so accustomed to calling it "our bedroom", saying it was my own didn't feel right. I threw myself into bed cuddling closely to a pillow because lying in bed without him was harder than anything else. He had managed to come into my life and change everything about me. He took my heart only to shatter it months later and I took his when I left leaving him empty. I was empty.