Disclaimer: I own nothing, I'm just borrowing them for a while.
Spoilers: almost none.
Season: 1, just after Devil's Trap.
Summary: Sam and John died in the crash, Dean visits their grave.
AN: I'm Dutch and even though I try my best to get the grammar right, I'm not perfect. Please ignore any misspellings or point them out to me so I can correct them.
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It's been six months since the funeral and it's my first visit since then. I decided to bury them next to Jessica's grave. I think that Sam would've wanted that and I didn't want dad and him to be buried in seperate places. Their stones are pretty bare; just their names and date of birth/death, I just couldn't think of anything else I would want them to say.
Like I said, I haven't been here to visit them since the funeral, I just couldn't handle that. After they died I was consumed with such a desire for revenge it nearly destroyed me, I think somehow that was my underlying objective: just cease to exist, so I wouldn't feel this painfully hollow hole in my heart, in my soul.
Well, I got my revenge. I killed every last one of those demonic sons of bitches that had anything to do with the death of my family and every one I encountered on my way there too. I figured that when I had avenged their deaths I would somehow be able to cope, to move on. But in the end it only made it worse, the pain did not end and the holes in me only became bigger and blacker, because now there was no more desire for revenge that had once filled them.
I thought that after they too left me alone in this world that I had nothing left to lose. But I was wrong, I know that now. I know because I've finally lost the one thing I had left: Myself.
I wonder if they're proud of me, if they are truly glad that I killed the demon that killed our mother, killed them. I wonder if they think it was a worthy price to pay. I think that dad would probably think so. Now Sammy, I'm sure that if he were here he'd tell me it wasn't. Probably yell at me a little too.
But he isn't here, neither of them are. They never will be again. All that remains are their rotting corpses under these stones and the empty spaces inside me.
I hope that one day those emty spaces will be full again, that one day I'll recognize my reflection, that one day I'll be able to live with who I've become.
I'm not going to visit them again, at least not until that day has come.
I'm quitting the demon-hunting business too. I have to, if I want to find myself again. I understand now why Sammy left us, why he wanted to go to college and get away from this life we led. He knew, he saw what it had done to dad, he knew that if he'd stay he would end up just like him.
In the end dad had nothing left in him but the desire to kill the thing that killed mom, I tried to deny it but Sammy knew, tried to get me off the same track dad was on, but to no avail.
So I'm quitting, moving on to greener pastures or something. But whatever happens, I'm not going to give up. I'm not letting the emptyness consume me anymore.
And maybe one day, I'll be with them again.
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