I don't own Smash or the characters in it, I own nothing but my writing.
First Smash fic, enjoy and let me know what you think.
"She's singing your song. She's singing it in front of a thousand people that came to see her, she's singing our song".
She could hear the music in her head, every chord torturing her in ways she never imagined a song would be able to, and she was right all along, it wasn't the song that was making her squirm in pain, it was the fact that this particular song was being sang by another voice, another person.
She could live with losing her part, she could live with losing her shot at fame, but she couldn't live with losing that song.
"It's your song" Ivy whispered to the picture of Marilyn on her mirror and seeing the wide smile on Marilyn's red perfect lips just made her feel like ripping those pictures out, but she didn't. Instead she stared at them again like she had done so many times before.
"You were perfect and still you felt like you were nothing, just look at me..." her eyes focused on her own reflect, her hair was pure gold and her makeup was perfectly done. "am I perfect already?".
Ivy got up from her desk and looked down at herself "maybe I'm just not talented enough, pretty enough" she took a deep breath taking another look at herself "maybe I'm not thin enough, Karen is thin enough isn't she?" a small hurt laugh left her mouth "after all she's the chosen one".
"How did you do it?" she was talking to the pictures again, feeling ridiculous once more but not caring at all "they never forgot you, but they never remembered me. I'm always the second one to call, the second one to applaud, the second one...", she had been the second one since the moment she was born, cursed under the endless shadow of her own mother, being told everyday how she was not enough to the dreams she dreamed, how imperfect she was.
Don't get Ivy wrong, she never really blamed her mother for anything, she didn't believe her mother to be a bad mother and if she was Ivy wouldn't be able to tell the difference, after all she never had another mother.
Even while reading about Marilyn and her life, Ivy never believed Gladys to be a bad mom just as she never believed Norma Jean to be a bad daughter, they were just different, troubled, mistaken, as herself. Second handed people who never knew any other reality.
Since she was a little girl, Ivy was used to see her mom on stage, shinning so brightly that she could feel her mom's light touching her skin, and for many nights Ivy would sit alone in her bed trying to belt a few notes just like her mom, just like that magnificent woman she learned to admire without effort. For years the will of becoming a singer/actress grew inside her until she finally found the courage to voice it to her mother, and once more she was told how not good enough she was, how she should choose to do something else.
For a while she believed, for a while she gave up. Until the day she saw her first Marilyn's movie, she was 12 years old, a little girl seating alone in front of a screen, bright eyes just like Norma Jean had been so many years before. That was the same day Ivy decided she would be just like Monroe, the same day she started to read every book she could find about that amazing woman that had made her believe again.
When so many years after the opportunity to actually BE Marilyn came her away she couldn't feel more blessed, when Tom called her she felt like that little girl all over again, the girl sitting alone watching Marilyn sing.
For a moment she forgot all the years trying to make a name for herself, all the times she didn't get her call back, all the times she had to be just one more girl in the chorus because she wasn't "popular" enough to be a star. But then everything came down when Karen showed up, enchanting Derek and getting the part that she knew it was hers.
"I'm Marilyn Monroe" Ivy said facing the mirror "I'm her" but then the music in her head grew louder, and the voice singing it wasn't hers. This was the first time in months a tear came rolling down her face.
She looked down at her right closed hand, opening it to show the pills she had been holding for half an hour "I'm not you, she is. She's you" her now wet eyes looking at "Marilyn's" face "and if I'm not you, then who am I?"
She couldn't just be Ivy, she didn't know who Ivy was, she had forgot a long time ago how to be Ivy.
How could she be someone she knew nothing about.
Her hand closed around the pills once more, suddenly her phone was ringing loudly but she wasn't able to force herself to look at it.
-/-
"Where's Ivy?" Julia asked him with a concern look in her face.
"I don't know, I'm calling her but she isn't picking up" Tom answered walking in circles around Julia "I haven't seen her since the start of "Second Hand White Baby Grand".
Tom was freaking out, Ivy wasn't one to give up and walk away, but she did, he thought she wasn't one to leave a goodbye note, but she did.
"Calm down Tom, I'm sure she's fine, keep calling" Julia added trying to keep Tom from having a nervous break out.
"She quit Bombshell Julia, with nothing but a note, it's not like her to do something like this, it's not like her to give up on anything".
Tom and Ivy had known each other for a few years, and the friendship between them was almost immediate, she was one of the most supportive people around him and he was the only friend Ivy ever cared about.
"Ivy did what?"
"Not now Derek" Tom let out bitterly, without even looking the man in the eyes.
Derek ignored him and turned his head to Julia "what happened with Ivy?".
"She quit Bombshell" Julia answered him, her eyes still on Tom who was once more trying to get Ivy to pic up the phone.
"I never thought she would give up" Derek let out more to himself then to Julia or Tom, his voice stripped of all the arrogance it once showed.
"You didn't?!" Both Julia and Derek were caught of guard by how bitterly and aggressive Tom's voice sounded "after having you pushing her down you thought she would be here forever playing the girl at the back of the chorus?"
"Don't blame it on me" Derek answered, his voice finally recovering its arrogance and assurance "she's the one who gave up, it's not my fault she has a weak will" he spat out without even thinking about the words coming out of his mouth.
The next few seconds happened too fast, first Julia saw Tom quickly closing the distance between him and Derek, and after that Derek felt a huge pain in his jaw caused by the powerful punch Tom launch towards him before storming out of the room.
Julia's mouth almost touched the floor, she never imagined Tom punching anyone, but before Derek could process what had happened, Julia was already out of the room as well.