Sometimes a dream is what makes you a slave
Note from the Authoress: Well...this here's my first attempt at a GW yaoi songfic...or videofic, or whatever the hell you want to call it. So. If it sucks, you can tell me...I'll understand. But if you like it, I'd be much happier, so I'm gonna do my very best to make it that way. The time...I guess somewhere around 2 months or so after the end of the TV episodes.
Standard disclaimers, as always, apply here. Duo and Heero, and the rest of my boys, and that sniveling biznitch Relena don't belong to me, as much as I wish it were true. Well...maybe not Relena. I don't want her. That weird blonde guy in the second and third episodes *the one that Heero almost gave a sword-nose job to* can have her. They all belong to the gods of anime that created them, but I know you know that. So don't try to sue me, it would cost a shit-load more for you than me, and I don't have any money either.
So sit back, enjoy the show. Don't forget to fasten your seatbelt, and remember the floatation devices are under your seat. Just in case you might need them. And, as always, do it all for the Nookie, and sometimes a dream is really what makes you a slave. Just as my boys here learn. Good day.
Ah, yes, I almost forgot. The stuff in the ~little wavy things~ is a dream sequence. The stuff in the slashes //...// are the thoughts of whoever happens to be thinking. (I don't know...I'm not used to it!) And...the italicized words are lyrics to the song 'Sometimes a Dream (is what makes you a slave)' By the great Liz Phair. Um...I've never heard this song before, but I fell in love with the lyrics. I was actually looking for the lyrics for 'Flower', but that's another songfic...(all you lemon-heads celebrate!!! Or not...if you don't like my style...)
~Miriya Valentine, story-bungler extraordinaire~
***************************************
I can't remember the last time I felt good
For more than a week-I mean really good
for more than a month...
"Hey, Heero! You're finally back! Where've ya been?" Duo Maxwell chirped, grinning at his Japanese counterpart. Heero had been gone for a long time, millions of years in the not-so humble opinion of the boy called death.
"Hn...Hello, Duo." Heero's voice was the same as always, betraying no emotion whatsoever, as if he had none to show. He glanced impassively at the braided one, willing away the pain that threatened to surface, threatened to crumble his already half-rusted resolve. What he was going to do was going to hurt him, hurt them both--although Duo would never know. He'd never let him know.
Duo threw his arms around Heero, oblivious to anything else, wondering why his koi was suddenly so quiet. Since the end of the war, he and Heero had forged a relationship, Duo pulling almost both their weights, happy to put up with the sullenness of the *perfect soldier*. It was something ingrained, he knew, and he knew also that it would only be a matter of time before his cheerful attitude would counter that which Heero'd lived all his life.
And of course, he was right. Heero had begun to open up, even in small ways, returning the gentle affections of the one called Shinigami. Duo was completely in love, and could overlook any of his partner's *character flaws*. It was something entirely new to him, but he absorbed it, as always, with his perpetual exuberance and wonder. That, among other things, was what made Heero stay with Duo. It had been...enjoyable, even *fun*, while it lasted, but things would change.
It was all he could do not to return Duo's swift, adoring embrace, to instead grit his teeth and keep his hands clenched tightly at his sides. The pain was already intensifying...Duo would hurt, and it would be *all* his fault. But there was nothing he could do, now...he'd made up his mind. There was no turning back...
...cos I'm chasing a dream...
"Heero...what's wrong?" Duo asked quietly, disengaging himself from around Heero. His brilliant violet eyes were clouded with worry, several emotions passing across his expressive face. That angelic, elfin face that the Japanese boy had grown to love so much...
Heero took a deep breath, feeling the ache rise to the surface, praying to whichever gods watched over them that Duo would not see...he could not afford to allow room for much argument--he knew he'd crumble before his *former* braided koibito.
"Duo...I have to leave. For good." There. It was done. Out in the open, his betrayal was laid bare, no time or way to take it back. //Gods, Duo...I'm so sorry...//
"Why?" The single word, spoken with so much heart-wrenching anguish, so much raw agony in the gentle tenor. //Heero...why? Is it me? Oh, gods...what have I done?//
Heero knew exactly what Duo was thinking, could see it in the sadness washing over his face. He felt his knees turn to water, the infallible strength wavering, having to face those stricken violet eyes. But he owed this much to Duo, after all they'd been through together...his Duo deserved the truth...deserved so much more than Heero could ever give.
Cobalt faded, Heero closed his eyes, calling on all of himself to give him support. Another person, long blonde hair loose, falling gently around her face, sides pulled up in those ever-present twin braids. //Braids...//
"I'm going to the Sanq Kingdom...Duo, I'm marrying Relena."
...makes you wanna feel, makes you wanna cry
makes you wanna tear the stars from the sky...
"Oh, god...Heero..." The *perfect soldier* watched in silent agony as the one called death stumbled backwards, those exquisite violet eyes dulling, fading before his eyes, crumbling as Heero's words sank beneath the surface. //Somehow...I always knew it would be this way. I did my best, hoping against hope that I could change the course of destiny, something I could see in the very stars. But I didn't do enough...and now I've lost you to *her*. I can only hope you're happy, with Relena...if you are, then I promise, I won't cry...//
"I...I understand." He said it looking Heero straight in the eyes, letting his counterpart know that he indeed, did understand, to a certain extent. That he would acquiesce, that he wouldn't argue, wouldn't put up the fight Heero feared he would. That he would fade away quietly, allowing Heero to do what he felt was right for himself.
...and sometimes a dream doesn't set you free...
Heero bowed his head, dark hair obscuring his face. "Thank you, Duo. Thank you for understanding...goodbye." He grasped the doorknob firmly, casting one final look at his Shinigami, forever securing the face he loved so dearly in his mind, to be held forever close to his heart. Closer than Relena would ever be.
As he closed the door behind him, he shook his head, almost tempted to turn back. //No, Duo...you don't understand...I don't even understand. I don't love her. I love you, my Shinigami...my beautiful one...//
...and you're halfway there, but you're halfway down
and you just can't get your ass out of town
and sometimes a dream is what makes you a slave...
On the other side of the door, Duo slumped against the wall, flinching mentally at the cold click of the door that sealed his fate more than the words themselves. //Somehow...I thought that I would have the power to change destiny...that I could be the one to keep you here, Heero. I want you to know that I'll always be here for you...if you ever need me. I'll always be here...// Absently, he toyed with the end of his long braid, switchblade memories assaulting him, reminding him of all the times that Heero would play with his glorious mane. Amazing how one so cold could be so fascinated with something so simple...Duo could almost feel the heat radiating from him as his unbelievably gentle hands played over his scalp, the gentle tug as long, elegant fingers ran through his long chestnut mane. It had seemed so perfect, then, like nothing, not even the end of the world, could change what they had. To know it had ended...was gone, forever, so quickly...the world came down on death himself, reminding him of just how lonely the universe was. //Be strong...//
...and you can't back up cos you're against the wall
and it's the same goddamn thing I told you
sometimes a dream is what makes you a slave
baby, it's alright...
Heero was silent as he entered the opulent ancestral home of the Peacecrafts, watching detachedly as Relena came running to him. So like the last time he'd been with Duo, she also embraced him, getting much the same reaction as he'd given to the one he'd actually cared about. The one he'd loved... //Duo...//
"Heero..." she breathed, "I'm so happy to see you came. Please, come with me, I'll show you to your room...for now." The heir to the Peacecrafts had no idea how Heero truly felt, how much each step further into this prison wrenched his heart, bleeding his soul anew. All he could see was the face of his angel, amaryllis eyes shattering before him, by his hand. //It's all my fault...//
But Relena was oblivious, delirious to know that her hero had come to her at last. That he would be with her forever, and the world would be perfect once again.
Completely oblivious to his pain.
And he would never tell her...that his heart, broken and torn as it was, belonged to another, one with so much more life and sincerity than she would ever begin to imagine.
...and I think that's what happened to me
cos I'm walking almost every day blind
and I'm searching through my past...
Duo lay in bed, tossing and turning restlessly as chaotic dreams took over his mind.
~Sudden light.
A flashback from another time, so long ago it seemed, the first time Duo and Heero had met.
Heero stood before Duo and Relena, a gun held in his tight grip. Duo could feel the cold air, realizing that he was unarmed, unlike that time. But Heero wasn't pointing the gun at Relena, he held it indecisively, as if wondering who to shoot.
"One bullet." Heero's voice seemed ethereal. "All I've got."
Relena Peacecraft, clothed again in the blue dress, stepped forward, not at all intimidated by the danger Heero posed. "Choose, Heero Yuy. Choose me, you will have the world. Anything, everything you could ever want will be yours, to do with as you please." She then looked at Duo, who stood there silently, waiting. "Choose Duo, and you will have..." She didn't say anything. There was nothing. Duo had nothing to give. Nothing...
Suddenly, he spoke up as well, violet eyes flashing in the sunset. "Choose me, and you will have my love. Forever, I will be there for you...to love you as long as I live." And then Duo stood there silently, waiting for that decisive verdict. To lose his Heero would be to lose his life...
Heero seemed to be in deep contemplation. Relena, however, wore a smug grin, almost certain her victory was secured. And indeed, who could refuse the queen of the world?
Without warning, just as in that long-ago reality, Deathscythe broke the water, embracing Wing, dragging the massive gundam from the crystal-clear depths of the ocean. Heero abruptly turned, in his other hand the small destruct device that would send both machines back down to the bottom. Duo's eyes widened in shock and horror--Relena glided across the cold concrete, placing a hand possessively on Heero's arm. And then, the Japanese pilot looked at Duo, indigo eyes narrowing slightly.
Relena laughed, turning her own gaze on the braided boy. "Heero doesn't need the war...doesn't need anything but me. He doesn't need you, Duo Maxwell. He's mine...forever."
And Heero nodded silently, thumbing the tiny red button.
Duo screamed in anguish as he watched his beloved Deathscythe, along with Wing, turn into so much scrap metal. So intense was his pain, his betrayal, that he barely realized what was happening until the bullet found its mark, neatly reaving the broken heart of the boy known as Death. He dimly noticed the concrete rushing to meet him, the darkening of his vision...
Heero looked down on his counterpart, no emotion on his face. Relena, however, was positively triumphant as she smiled sweetly on Duo. "Goodbye, Maxwell...see you in hell..."
And indeed, Duo could hear the mocking laughter of a thousand angry demons, reaching gnarled and hideous hands up to pull him down to their dark abyss. But he couldn't feel them, couldn't feel a thing but the intense pain of what Heero had done. Salty tears flowed freely down his elfin face as he whispered one last word, before succumbing to his fate...
"...Heero..."
The darkness moved in to consume Duo, his mouth opening to let out a silent scream.~
And unknown to the broken dreamer, somewhere in the Sanq Kingdom, another boy cried out in his sleep, victim to the exact same vision.
...in a way it's not healthy, I'm hoping to find...
Duo awoke in a frigid sweat, his throat and eyes raw, trembling with the horrific reality of his dream. Unlike most of his dreams, this one was still alive in his mind, every detail frighteningly vivid. He brought a hand to his face wiping away warm moisture. //Tears...// He rubbed at his eyes, hoping to get rid of at least his physical pain. The agony he felt inside, however, was there forever, always haunting him, forever mocking his own inadequacy. The reality he now lived with.
Another knock, this time louder. "Maxwell! Are you in there?!"
Duo started. //What the hell? Get up...get moving. Answer the fucking door. It's not the end of the world...// But his heart told him otherwise. His world was shattered...gone. "Coming," he croaked, rolling out of bed, groping half-heartedly for a somewhat clean pair of jeans.
He stumbled to the door, throwing back the deadbolt, the very act bringing back a painful tide of memories. The memories hurt so bad...
Wufei stared at his friend. Duo, to be blunt, looked like shit, his beautiful violet eyes red and swollen, chestnut cascade of hair tangled and plastered to his head and back. But still...he looked perfect... "Duo? Are you okay? It's almost 3 in the afternoon."
Duo blinked at the Chinese. "Wufei? Why are you here? It's 3 already?"
Shenlong's pilot closed his eyes. It had been months since he'd last seen Duo, and even this meeting threatened to bring back so many carefully guarded emotions. "I heard what happened, Duo...can I come in?"
The braided boy seemed lost for a moment, then shook his head, opening the door wider. "Oh, yeah, sure. Come in. It's good to see you again, Wu-man." He then stepped back, allowing the quiet Chinese into the small apartment.
Wufei was silent for a moment, pondering his next words. He'd heard on the news, how Relena announced her upcoming wedding...to Heero Yuy. It had been a shock, he'd known of the relationship between Duo and Heero...how could he forget? They'd seemed so perfect together, the reason Wufei had stayed silent all that time. He would ignore his feelings for Duo, laying them aside in order for the braided boy to be happy. That was all he wanted...and now, to see him like this, in such turmoil over the loss of Heero...it tore him apart. It was all he could do, not to embrace the braided angel, to offer him anything that he wanted, to insure his happiness.
"So...you heard?" Duo repeated Wufei's words, sorrow inflicted in each syllable. He looked at Wufei expectantly, rubbing his temples. Taking a seat on the overstuffed couch, Duo motioned his friend to sit down.
Wufei acquiesced, seating himself beside his friend. Gods...this was so hard...to see him like this--Heero had a hell of a lot to answer for. How could he give up such a wonder? How could he hurt someone so unfeelingly?
"I'm really sorry, Duo...are you okay?" The words were trite, and he knew it. Duo deserved more than trite, but in the name of formality, he had to run through the same old repertoire. He couldn't let Duo know how he felt... not at a time like this. As much as it hurt him, he would stay silent still.
...makes you wanna feel, makes you wanna cry
makes you wanna tear the stars from the sky
and sometimes a dream doesn't set you free...
"I don't know, Wu-man...it was so sudden..."
"I'm sorry, Duo." Indeed, more than he would ever let on. His heart ached for this broken angel, and he could only keep repeating those words. //Damn you, Heero...how the hell could you do this? What in the hell were you thinking?//
Duo sighed softly, leaning back against the couch. "He was gone for a couple weeks, and just came back yesterday...and said goodbye. He's gone off to marry Relena...and there's not a damn thing I can do. I don't think he loves her...but what the hell do I know?" There was a gentle bitterness in his tone, as he looked helplessly at his friend, "I don't understand...no warning, just bam! See ya around. It was great, but I'll see you later. I just don't get it, Wu-man, I just don't get it..."
He buried his face in his hands, impossibly long hair shrouding him, his narrow shoulders shaking in grief. Tensely, Wufei edged closer, putting an arm around Duo. "Hey, Duo...it's okay..."
Stricken violet eyes turned themselves on the Chinese. "Oh, gods Wufei...I thought I could change the world...I thought I could make him love me."
//Fuck formality.// Wufei took Duo into his arms, as a gesture of comfort, gently stroking the silken chestnut locks, feeling the anguish and agony radiate from death himself as he cried in the larger boy's gentle embrace. "Don't worry, Duo...don't worry...he *does* love you..." Those four words seemed to wrench themselves from Wufei, each a dagger twisted deeper in his heart. He knew Heero loved this boy...
"But then, why? Why did he go?" he murmured, ashamed of himself for being so weak, but to wounded to care.
Wufei rested his chin on top of Duo's head, gently rocking him as if he were a small, lost child. "I don't know, Duo, I don't know...
A small voice found Wufei. "What the hell am I gonna do?"
...a good list of reasons to know that I'm special...
The answer was already known to the chinese boy. But he didn't want to say it--it would be too hard. //Don't be selfish, Chang...it's the only way he'll ever be happy. And that's what you really want. Even if it's not with you...as long as he's happy, you don't matter.//
"Go after him." Wufei whispered, the pain of his words greater than a thousand deaths, a million defeats. He had to let him go. Somewhere, an old proverb resounded in his mind. //If you love something, set it free...if it returns, it was meant to be.// Wufei was sure of the outcome. They were not meant to be. Duo was Heero's...and nothing, no one, not even destiny would keep them apart. //As long is it would make you happy...//
...and you're halfway there, but you're halfway down
and you just can't seem to get your ass out of town
and sometimes a dream is what makes you a slave...
"Go...after him?" Duo hiccupped, the main of his crying spent. The idea seemed so novel, so strange he wouldn't be the one to think of such a thing. "Do you think it will make any difference?"
As much as his mind screamed at him to deny it, Wufei slowly nodded. "Yes." There. He'd said it. His soul cried out in infinite agony, even as it reveled in the raising of Duo's spirit.
...to know that I'm different, to know that I'm better...
"I can't," he whispered, at last, "I can't go..."
Wufei regarded the braided boy silently, the last of his mind's futile resistance giving way to the pursuit of another's dream... He sighed, reluctantly disengaging himself from Duo. "Come on, Maxwell...I'll take you."
There was no turning back for Wufei. He'd finalized the deal...he only hoped it would work. That Duo would smile once again...
...and you can't back up cos you're against the wall
and it's the same goddamn thing I told you
sometimes a dream is what makes you a slave...
Quatre stared at the television screen, shock and pain contorting his gentle features. //Oh, Allah...Heero, what have you done? I can feel it--you don't love her. You belong to Duo...you love him. Why are you doing this to yourselves?//
Trowa could sense the anguish in the tiny blonde he held in his arms. "Quatre, are you okay?" He looked back at the screen, watching with detached interest as his former fellow pilot stood before the alter, about to give himself to Relena Peacecraft. It was all rather ironic, in a way, to him--he remembered all the times Heero had threatened, had vowed, to kill her...the world was funny in that way, wasn't it? He turned his attention back to his koibito, who seemed absolutely miserable.
"Trowa...he doesn't love her. He left Duo...and he still loves him. How could he do it? He's in as much pain as Duo...and he's still doing this. It's not right. I don't understand..."
The one visible eye flickered back to the television screen, catching a quick close-up of Heero Yuy. He knew about Quatre's *special* senses, and knew that if that was what Quatre saw, that was reality. There was no questioning it, the arabian had always been able to see through all of them. And indeed, Trowa could see indescribable pain in his cobalt eyes flare once, brilliantly, before sinking back into those impassive depths. //Heero?! What the hell are you doing?!//
"Quatre...don't get so upset...I don't know what's going on, but I know it will all work out in the end. Don't be so sad, bright eyes...it's all right..."
baby, its alright...
...look around
do you see anyone for themselves
like you see yourself?
so, why do you feel so all alone?
*****
Okay, that's it! Yes, folks, breathe! It's done with! That wasn't too hard...I guess. I kinda was going to have it end completely differently, but for some odd reason Wufei knocked on Duo-kun's door, and I let him in. I guess cos I was always a fan of 2x5, more than 1x2.
So I'm posed with a dilemma. I don't know which I want to pursue, on the subject of who gets Duo. I've actually got it all planned out, the songs and all, in either case. But I need help, here. So, someone, give me direction, along with questions, criticisms (and I can take it straight!), suggestions, or even your grandmother's favorite cookie recipe...and I will take flames. But be warned, I have a sharp tongue and I reply.
Xellos: *grins widely* you see, she enjoys a good fight. And she likes to yell at people. So you're just going to give her an excuse.
Miriya: *hits Xellos with the staff of Magius* Don't give away the secret, mazoku!
Xellos: *bows* hai, I'll be nice. *snickers*
But anyway...I thank you for making all the way through this story, as horrible or wonderful as you thought it was. I'm kind of fond of it, actually...I'm beginning to think that my way of showing affection for my boys is trying to hurt them as much as possible. Man, if that isn't a fucked up way to go...
Until Next time (if you venture back into my twisted little mind to see who gets the braided wonder!), your friend/savior/tormentor/evil person-who-haunts-you-in-your-worst-nightmares,
Miriya Valentine
dragon_nataku@yahoo.com
Note from the Authoress: Well...this here's my first attempt at a GW yaoi songfic...or videofic, or whatever the hell you want to call it. So. If it sucks, you can tell me...I'll understand. But if you like it, I'd be much happier, so I'm gonna do my very best to make it that way. The time...I guess somewhere around 2 months or so after the end of the TV episodes.
Standard disclaimers, as always, apply here. Duo and Heero, and the rest of my boys, and that sniveling biznitch Relena don't belong to me, as much as I wish it were true. Well...maybe not Relena. I don't want her. That weird blonde guy in the second and third episodes *the one that Heero almost gave a sword-nose job to* can have her. They all belong to the gods of anime that created them, but I know you know that. So don't try to sue me, it would cost a shit-load more for you than me, and I don't have any money either.
So sit back, enjoy the show. Don't forget to fasten your seatbelt, and remember the floatation devices are under your seat. Just in case you might need them. And, as always, do it all for the Nookie, and sometimes a dream is really what makes you a slave. Just as my boys here learn. Good day.
Ah, yes, I almost forgot. The stuff in the ~little wavy things~ is a dream sequence. The stuff in the slashes //...// are the thoughts of whoever happens to be thinking. (I don't know...I'm not used to it!) And...the italicized words are lyrics to the song 'Sometimes a Dream (is what makes you a slave)' By the great Liz Phair. Um...I've never heard this song before, but I fell in love with the lyrics. I was actually looking for the lyrics for 'Flower', but that's another songfic...(all you lemon-heads celebrate!!! Or not...if you don't like my style...)
~Miriya Valentine, story-bungler extraordinaire~
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I can't remember the last time I felt good
For more than a week-I mean really good
for more than a month...
"Hey, Heero! You're finally back! Where've ya been?" Duo Maxwell chirped, grinning at his Japanese counterpart. Heero had been gone for a long time, millions of years in the not-so humble opinion of the boy called death.
"Hn...Hello, Duo." Heero's voice was the same as always, betraying no emotion whatsoever, as if he had none to show. He glanced impassively at the braided one, willing away the pain that threatened to surface, threatened to crumble his already half-rusted resolve. What he was going to do was going to hurt him, hurt them both--although Duo would never know. He'd never let him know.
Duo threw his arms around Heero, oblivious to anything else, wondering why his koi was suddenly so quiet. Since the end of the war, he and Heero had forged a relationship, Duo pulling almost both their weights, happy to put up with the sullenness of the *perfect soldier*. It was something ingrained, he knew, and he knew also that it would only be a matter of time before his cheerful attitude would counter that which Heero'd lived all his life.
And of course, he was right. Heero had begun to open up, even in small ways, returning the gentle affections of the one called Shinigami. Duo was completely in love, and could overlook any of his partner's *character flaws*. It was something entirely new to him, but he absorbed it, as always, with his perpetual exuberance and wonder. That, among other things, was what made Heero stay with Duo. It had been...enjoyable, even *fun*, while it lasted, but things would change.
It was all he could do not to return Duo's swift, adoring embrace, to instead grit his teeth and keep his hands clenched tightly at his sides. The pain was already intensifying...Duo would hurt, and it would be *all* his fault. But there was nothing he could do, now...he'd made up his mind. There was no turning back...
...cos I'm chasing a dream...
"Heero...what's wrong?" Duo asked quietly, disengaging himself from around Heero. His brilliant violet eyes were clouded with worry, several emotions passing across his expressive face. That angelic, elfin face that the Japanese boy had grown to love so much...
Heero took a deep breath, feeling the ache rise to the surface, praying to whichever gods watched over them that Duo would not see...he could not afford to allow room for much argument--he knew he'd crumble before his *former* braided koibito.
"Duo...I have to leave. For good." There. It was done. Out in the open, his betrayal was laid bare, no time or way to take it back. //Gods, Duo...I'm so sorry...//
"Why?" The single word, spoken with so much heart-wrenching anguish, so much raw agony in the gentle tenor. //Heero...why? Is it me? Oh, gods...what have I done?//
Heero knew exactly what Duo was thinking, could see it in the sadness washing over his face. He felt his knees turn to water, the infallible strength wavering, having to face those stricken violet eyes. But he owed this much to Duo, after all they'd been through together...his Duo deserved the truth...deserved so much more than Heero could ever give.
Cobalt faded, Heero closed his eyes, calling on all of himself to give him support. Another person, long blonde hair loose, falling gently around her face, sides pulled up in those ever-present twin braids. //Braids...//
"I'm going to the Sanq Kingdom...Duo, I'm marrying Relena."
...makes you wanna feel, makes you wanna cry
makes you wanna tear the stars from the sky...
"Oh, god...Heero..." The *perfect soldier* watched in silent agony as the one called death stumbled backwards, those exquisite violet eyes dulling, fading before his eyes, crumbling as Heero's words sank beneath the surface. //Somehow...I always knew it would be this way. I did my best, hoping against hope that I could change the course of destiny, something I could see in the very stars. But I didn't do enough...and now I've lost you to *her*. I can only hope you're happy, with Relena...if you are, then I promise, I won't cry...//
"I...I understand." He said it looking Heero straight in the eyes, letting his counterpart know that he indeed, did understand, to a certain extent. That he would acquiesce, that he wouldn't argue, wouldn't put up the fight Heero feared he would. That he would fade away quietly, allowing Heero to do what he felt was right for himself.
...and sometimes a dream doesn't set you free...
Heero bowed his head, dark hair obscuring his face. "Thank you, Duo. Thank you for understanding...goodbye." He grasped the doorknob firmly, casting one final look at his Shinigami, forever securing the face he loved so dearly in his mind, to be held forever close to his heart. Closer than Relena would ever be.
As he closed the door behind him, he shook his head, almost tempted to turn back. //No, Duo...you don't understand...I don't even understand. I don't love her. I love you, my Shinigami...my beautiful one...//
...and you're halfway there, but you're halfway down
and you just can't get your ass out of town
and sometimes a dream is what makes you a slave...
On the other side of the door, Duo slumped against the wall, flinching mentally at the cold click of the door that sealed his fate more than the words themselves. //Somehow...I thought that I would have the power to change destiny...that I could be the one to keep you here, Heero. I want you to know that I'll always be here for you...if you ever need me. I'll always be here...// Absently, he toyed with the end of his long braid, switchblade memories assaulting him, reminding him of all the times that Heero would play with his glorious mane. Amazing how one so cold could be so fascinated with something so simple...Duo could almost feel the heat radiating from him as his unbelievably gentle hands played over his scalp, the gentle tug as long, elegant fingers ran through his long chestnut mane. It had seemed so perfect, then, like nothing, not even the end of the world, could change what they had. To know it had ended...was gone, forever, so quickly...the world came down on death himself, reminding him of just how lonely the universe was. //Be strong...//
...and you can't back up cos you're against the wall
and it's the same goddamn thing I told you
sometimes a dream is what makes you a slave
baby, it's alright...
Heero was silent as he entered the opulent ancestral home of the Peacecrafts, watching detachedly as Relena came running to him. So like the last time he'd been with Duo, she also embraced him, getting much the same reaction as he'd given to the one he'd actually cared about. The one he'd loved... //Duo...//
"Heero..." she breathed, "I'm so happy to see you came. Please, come with me, I'll show you to your room...for now." The heir to the Peacecrafts had no idea how Heero truly felt, how much each step further into this prison wrenched his heart, bleeding his soul anew. All he could see was the face of his angel, amaryllis eyes shattering before him, by his hand. //It's all my fault...//
But Relena was oblivious, delirious to know that her hero had come to her at last. That he would be with her forever, and the world would be perfect once again.
Completely oblivious to his pain.
And he would never tell her...that his heart, broken and torn as it was, belonged to another, one with so much more life and sincerity than she would ever begin to imagine.
...and I think that's what happened to me
cos I'm walking almost every day blind
and I'm searching through my past...
Duo lay in bed, tossing and turning restlessly as chaotic dreams took over his mind.
~Sudden light.
A flashback from another time, so long ago it seemed, the first time Duo and Heero had met.
Heero stood before Duo and Relena, a gun held in his tight grip. Duo could feel the cold air, realizing that he was unarmed, unlike that time. But Heero wasn't pointing the gun at Relena, he held it indecisively, as if wondering who to shoot.
"One bullet." Heero's voice seemed ethereal. "All I've got."
Relena Peacecraft, clothed again in the blue dress, stepped forward, not at all intimidated by the danger Heero posed. "Choose, Heero Yuy. Choose me, you will have the world. Anything, everything you could ever want will be yours, to do with as you please." She then looked at Duo, who stood there silently, waiting. "Choose Duo, and you will have..." She didn't say anything. There was nothing. Duo had nothing to give. Nothing...
Suddenly, he spoke up as well, violet eyes flashing in the sunset. "Choose me, and you will have my love. Forever, I will be there for you...to love you as long as I live." And then Duo stood there silently, waiting for that decisive verdict. To lose his Heero would be to lose his life...
Heero seemed to be in deep contemplation. Relena, however, wore a smug grin, almost certain her victory was secured. And indeed, who could refuse the queen of the world?
Without warning, just as in that long-ago reality, Deathscythe broke the water, embracing Wing, dragging the massive gundam from the crystal-clear depths of the ocean. Heero abruptly turned, in his other hand the small destruct device that would send both machines back down to the bottom. Duo's eyes widened in shock and horror--Relena glided across the cold concrete, placing a hand possessively on Heero's arm. And then, the Japanese pilot looked at Duo, indigo eyes narrowing slightly.
Relena laughed, turning her own gaze on the braided boy. "Heero doesn't need the war...doesn't need anything but me. He doesn't need you, Duo Maxwell. He's mine...forever."
And Heero nodded silently, thumbing the tiny red button.
Duo screamed in anguish as he watched his beloved Deathscythe, along with Wing, turn into so much scrap metal. So intense was his pain, his betrayal, that he barely realized what was happening until the bullet found its mark, neatly reaving the broken heart of the boy known as Death. He dimly noticed the concrete rushing to meet him, the darkening of his vision...
Heero looked down on his counterpart, no emotion on his face. Relena, however, was positively triumphant as she smiled sweetly on Duo. "Goodbye, Maxwell...see you in hell..."
And indeed, Duo could hear the mocking laughter of a thousand angry demons, reaching gnarled and hideous hands up to pull him down to their dark abyss. But he couldn't feel them, couldn't feel a thing but the intense pain of what Heero had done. Salty tears flowed freely down his elfin face as he whispered one last word, before succumbing to his fate...
"...Heero..."
The darkness moved in to consume Duo, his mouth opening to let out a silent scream.~
And unknown to the broken dreamer, somewhere in the Sanq Kingdom, another boy cried out in his sleep, victim to the exact same vision.
...in a way it's not healthy, I'm hoping to find...
Duo awoke in a frigid sweat, his throat and eyes raw, trembling with the horrific reality of his dream. Unlike most of his dreams, this one was still alive in his mind, every detail frighteningly vivid. He brought a hand to his face wiping away warm moisture. //Tears...// He rubbed at his eyes, hoping to get rid of at least his physical pain. The agony he felt inside, however, was there forever, always haunting him, forever mocking his own inadequacy. The reality he now lived with.
Another knock, this time louder. "Maxwell! Are you in there?!"
Duo started. //What the hell? Get up...get moving. Answer the fucking door. It's not the end of the world...// But his heart told him otherwise. His world was shattered...gone. "Coming," he croaked, rolling out of bed, groping half-heartedly for a somewhat clean pair of jeans.
He stumbled to the door, throwing back the deadbolt, the very act bringing back a painful tide of memories. The memories hurt so bad...
Wufei stared at his friend. Duo, to be blunt, looked like shit, his beautiful violet eyes red and swollen, chestnut cascade of hair tangled and plastered to his head and back. But still...he looked perfect... "Duo? Are you okay? It's almost 3 in the afternoon."
Duo blinked at the Chinese. "Wufei? Why are you here? It's 3 already?"
Shenlong's pilot closed his eyes. It had been months since he'd last seen Duo, and even this meeting threatened to bring back so many carefully guarded emotions. "I heard what happened, Duo...can I come in?"
The braided boy seemed lost for a moment, then shook his head, opening the door wider. "Oh, yeah, sure. Come in. It's good to see you again, Wu-man." He then stepped back, allowing the quiet Chinese into the small apartment.
Wufei was silent for a moment, pondering his next words. He'd heard on the news, how Relena announced her upcoming wedding...to Heero Yuy. It had been a shock, he'd known of the relationship between Duo and Heero...how could he forget? They'd seemed so perfect together, the reason Wufei had stayed silent all that time. He would ignore his feelings for Duo, laying them aside in order for the braided boy to be happy. That was all he wanted...and now, to see him like this, in such turmoil over the loss of Heero...it tore him apart. It was all he could do, not to embrace the braided angel, to offer him anything that he wanted, to insure his happiness.
"So...you heard?" Duo repeated Wufei's words, sorrow inflicted in each syllable. He looked at Wufei expectantly, rubbing his temples. Taking a seat on the overstuffed couch, Duo motioned his friend to sit down.
Wufei acquiesced, seating himself beside his friend. Gods...this was so hard...to see him like this--Heero had a hell of a lot to answer for. How could he give up such a wonder? How could he hurt someone so unfeelingly?
"I'm really sorry, Duo...are you okay?" The words were trite, and he knew it. Duo deserved more than trite, but in the name of formality, he had to run through the same old repertoire. He couldn't let Duo know how he felt... not at a time like this. As much as it hurt him, he would stay silent still.
...makes you wanna feel, makes you wanna cry
makes you wanna tear the stars from the sky
and sometimes a dream doesn't set you free...
"I don't know, Wu-man...it was so sudden..."
"I'm sorry, Duo." Indeed, more than he would ever let on. His heart ached for this broken angel, and he could only keep repeating those words. //Damn you, Heero...how the hell could you do this? What in the hell were you thinking?//
Duo sighed softly, leaning back against the couch. "He was gone for a couple weeks, and just came back yesterday...and said goodbye. He's gone off to marry Relena...and there's not a damn thing I can do. I don't think he loves her...but what the hell do I know?" There was a gentle bitterness in his tone, as he looked helplessly at his friend, "I don't understand...no warning, just bam! See ya around. It was great, but I'll see you later. I just don't get it, Wu-man, I just don't get it..."
He buried his face in his hands, impossibly long hair shrouding him, his narrow shoulders shaking in grief. Tensely, Wufei edged closer, putting an arm around Duo. "Hey, Duo...it's okay..."
Stricken violet eyes turned themselves on the Chinese. "Oh, gods Wufei...I thought I could change the world...I thought I could make him love me."
//Fuck formality.// Wufei took Duo into his arms, as a gesture of comfort, gently stroking the silken chestnut locks, feeling the anguish and agony radiate from death himself as he cried in the larger boy's gentle embrace. "Don't worry, Duo...don't worry...he *does* love you..." Those four words seemed to wrench themselves from Wufei, each a dagger twisted deeper in his heart. He knew Heero loved this boy...
"But then, why? Why did he go?" he murmured, ashamed of himself for being so weak, but to wounded to care.
Wufei rested his chin on top of Duo's head, gently rocking him as if he were a small, lost child. "I don't know, Duo, I don't know...
A small voice found Wufei. "What the hell am I gonna do?"
...a good list of reasons to know that I'm special...
The answer was already known to the chinese boy. But he didn't want to say it--it would be too hard. //Don't be selfish, Chang...it's the only way he'll ever be happy. And that's what you really want. Even if it's not with you...as long as he's happy, you don't matter.//
"Go after him." Wufei whispered, the pain of his words greater than a thousand deaths, a million defeats. He had to let him go. Somewhere, an old proverb resounded in his mind. //If you love something, set it free...if it returns, it was meant to be.// Wufei was sure of the outcome. They were not meant to be. Duo was Heero's...and nothing, no one, not even destiny would keep them apart. //As long is it would make you happy...//
...and you're halfway there, but you're halfway down
and you just can't seem to get your ass out of town
and sometimes a dream is what makes you a slave...
"Go...after him?" Duo hiccupped, the main of his crying spent. The idea seemed so novel, so strange he wouldn't be the one to think of such a thing. "Do you think it will make any difference?"
As much as his mind screamed at him to deny it, Wufei slowly nodded. "Yes." There. He'd said it. His soul cried out in infinite agony, even as it reveled in the raising of Duo's spirit.
...to know that I'm different, to know that I'm better...
"I can't," he whispered, at last, "I can't go..."
Wufei regarded the braided boy silently, the last of his mind's futile resistance giving way to the pursuit of another's dream... He sighed, reluctantly disengaging himself from Duo. "Come on, Maxwell...I'll take you."
There was no turning back for Wufei. He'd finalized the deal...he only hoped it would work. That Duo would smile once again...
...and you can't back up cos you're against the wall
and it's the same goddamn thing I told you
sometimes a dream is what makes you a slave...
Quatre stared at the television screen, shock and pain contorting his gentle features. //Oh, Allah...Heero, what have you done? I can feel it--you don't love her. You belong to Duo...you love him. Why are you doing this to yourselves?//
Trowa could sense the anguish in the tiny blonde he held in his arms. "Quatre, are you okay?" He looked back at the screen, watching with detached interest as his former fellow pilot stood before the alter, about to give himself to Relena Peacecraft. It was all rather ironic, in a way, to him--he remembered all the times Heero had threatened, had vowed, to kill her...the world was funny in that way, wasn't it? He turned his attention back to his koibito, who seemed absolutely miserable.
"Trowa...he doesn't love her. He left Duo...and he still loves him. How could he do it? He's in as much pain as Duo...and he's still doing this. It's not right. I don't understand..."
The one visible eye flickered back to the television screen, catching a quick close-up of Heero Yuy. He knew about Quatre's *special* senses, and knew that if that was what Quatre saw, that was reality. There was no questioning it, the arabian had always been able to see through all of them. And indeed, Trowa could see indescribable pain in his cobalt eyes flare once, brilliantly, before sinking back into those impassive depths. //Heero?! What the hell are you doing?!//
"Quatre...don't get so upset...I don't know what's going on, but I know it will all work out in the end. Don't be so sad, bright eyes...it's all right..."
baby, its alright...
...look around
do you see anyone for themselves
like you see yourself?
so, why do you feel so all alone?
*****
Okay, that's it! Yes, folks, breathe! It's done with! That wasn't too hard...I guess. I kinda was going to have it end completely differently, but for some odd reason Wufei knocked on Duo-kun's door, and I let him in. I guess cos I was always a fan of 2x5, more than 1x2.
So I'm posed with a dilemma. I don't know which I want to pursue, on the subject of who gets Duo. I've actually got it all planned out, the songs and all, in either case. But I need help, here. So, someone, give me direction, along with questions, criticisms (and I can take it straight!), suggestions, or even your grandmother's favorite cookie recipe...and I will take flames. But be warned, I have a sharp tongue and I reply.
Xellos: *grins widely* you see, she enjoys a good fight. And she likes to yell at people. So you're just going to give her an excuse.
Miriya: *hits Xellos with the staff of Magius* Don't give away the secret, mazoku!
Xellos: *bows* hai, I'll be nice. *snickers*
But anyway...I thank you for making all the way through this story, as horrible or wonderful as you thought it was. I'm kind of fond of it, actually...I'm beginning to think that my way of showing affection for my boys is trying to hurt them as much as possible. Man, if that isn't a fucked up way to go...
Until Next time (if you venture back into my twisted little mind to see who gets the braided wonder!), your friend/savior/tormentor/evil person-who-haunts-you-in-your-worst-nightmares,
Miriya Valentine
dragon_nataku@yahoo.com