Es ist so kalt ganz nah
hier neben dir zu sein,
The rain was silently dropping against the bedroom window, a feint rhythm that usually would have helped Simon to fall asleep and yet he found himself staring at the ceiling, which outlines he could barely trace in the darkness. It was somehow disconnecting to have this silence penetrating every corner in the flat, knowing that it was there, but simultaneously listening to the sounds of the city from outside. As if there was a poriferous veil separating these two worlds, allowing only the smallest of sounds travelling in-between.
Simon could feel Raphael sleeping next to him, his breath slow and even and usually it would have helped him to fall asleep, his arms wrapped around the other man´s body and feeling the warmth seep through both of their shirts. Simon needed this reminder that he wasn't alone, this physical proof that there was someone next to him who loved him as much as he loved the other. Loneliness was Simon´s greatest fear, which he had to fight every single day of his life. With Raphael by his side, he had long since assumed that he had won this fight, but now his fear was stretching his wretched fingers for him again, slowly weaving tendrils of cold and ice around his heart.
Because even though Raphael was lying right next to him, the realisation hit Simon that he was alone again.
And in the silence that was not really a silence, but a state in-between, Simon Lewis was again fighting his greatest fear.
Du bist bei mir ich bin allein,
Ich hab' schon viel zu oft geweint.
They had a great time, Simon supposed as he stood in front of the bathroom mirror. Five years to be exact. The eyes staring back at him were of the same hazel colour as they had been five years ago, the lips quirking in the exact same way when he smiled as they had the first time Simon had talked to Raphael, the same moles, the same brown curls and yet, those five years had changed much. His eyes now held a melancholy that longed for a time long past and forgotten, pain that was well used to being hidden behind layers of fake cheerfulness and smiles that never reached eyes that had seen their dreams shattered in front of them. Simon didn't know when he had smiled the last time – a genuine, joyful smile, not the mask that he put on so that no one would notice how he was hurting within.
Sometimes Simon wondered if he should be proud of himself or disappointed of his friends that he managed to fool them all. Sometimes he just wanted to tear himself apart in front of them and make them see how fake everything was, but they all lived happily in their little bubbles and who did Simon presume he was to destroy theirs only because his had burst?
Simon looked down on the small object he was clutching in his right hand, a small and yet oh so painful reminder of a future that would never be. Platin, because Raphael thought that gold was too pretentious, too arrogant and haughty (Camille had liked gold, her rings, her bracelets, her necklaces, her everything, so Simon couldn't really fault Raphael for hating gold as much as he hated his psychotic ex-lover). No decoration, no engravings, no precious stone. Just a band of platin, simple and elegant, without any hidden pretence, just like Raphael.
Or rather how Simon had thought Raphael was.
He opened the faucet, the sound of rushing water immediately filling the room. For a few seconds Simon kept fidgeting with the ring – a symbol of all that could have been, of futures that now would never come to pass, of happiness withered away, turned into nothing but ash – and then he just let go. The ring fell and for a short moment as he was subsumed in the water it just laid there as if it dared Simon to regret his decision, to take it back, but then the currents took hold of the platin band and without much fanfare the water flushed the ring right down the sink.
The grief hit him like a train. Simon had though that he was over it, that he had had processed it, but apparently seeing the visual representation of his future vanishing right in front of him, had flipped off the lid of the small part of his mind where had put all his anger, his hurt and his grief and now tears were streaming down his cheeks and his hands were shaking uncontrollably. He took a few steps backward and when he felt the wall at his back he slowly sank down, right on time because now sobs were wracking through his whole body.
He hated how weak he was, how a fucking ring could turn him into this mess.
"Simon!" Raphael shouted through the door. "I need to use the bathroom. Are you done yet?" Simon wiped the tears away and forced down the sobs. Stand up, put on your crown and keep smiling, a voice eerily similar to Clary´s whispered in his mind.
"Yeah," Simon muttered. "I am."
Dein Blick ist leer, wenn du mir sagst:
"Ich liebe dich."
"I love you," Raphael muttered as he cupped Simon´s cheek with his hand. Simon took Raphael´s hand into his and just held it, feeling the cold slowly sweeping through his skin. Raphael had always had cold hands, as if there wasn't even blood flowing through it.
'You´re a vampire,' Simon had joked and Raphael had just flashed that familiar smirk at him, that simultaneously conveyed fondness but also this typical Raphael exasperation that he seemed to hold for everyone and everything. It was one of the other man´s traits Simon had fallen in love with. But now he was afraid of looking into Raphael´s eyes and seeing nothing looking back. He was afraid of the emptiness when Raphael confessed his love, so he just kept holding Raphael´s hand, closed his eyes and allowed himself to be consumed by illusions of better times. He imagined the spark that used to flare up whenever Raphael looked at him, the hint of a smile at the corner of his lips, and the way he tilted his head like an owl as if he needed a different angle to appreciate Simon wholly.
When Simon opened his eyes again the emptiness was staring back at him.
Komm sag's mir endlich in's Gesicht,
Sei einfach ehrlich nur für mich.
Mein Herz bricht.
"Raphael´s cheating on me," Simon told Jace without much preamble. They were sitting in one of the corner of Java Coffee, the shop where Jace worked. There weren't much customers around, so Jace could just sit down with Simon, not that the number of customers had any bearing on Jace´s behaviour. He sat down with Simon no matter how many people were waiting in the line. He was a friend like that. Simon didn't know when their friendship had turned that deep, but it was probably after Jace had broken up with Clary and their weird rivalry had slowly fizzled out, Simon recognising that he would rather have Clary as a friend than as romantic interest and Jace…well, Simon didn't know what had made Jace change his mind.
Simon didn't know why he was telling this Jace and not Clary. Maybe it was because Clary, with her sunny disposition and her unwavering belief in the inherent goodness of people would just try to cheer him up and make him move on, whereas Jace – first having suffered through an abusive father and then through a distant and cold stepmother – had a more cynical view on humanity and maybe that was what Simon needed right now. Not to be cheered up, but someone to commiserate with, who would indulge some of Simon´s darker moods.
"How do you know?" Jace asked.
"I´ve seen it," Simon replied, not wanting to give any further information.
"That sucks." That was a hundred percent Jace. Dry, borderline insensitive, but underneath real concern that he only showed to those close to him. He wasn't really a man of much words – that was more of Simon´s forte – but right now Simon didn't need them, anyway. Even if it was selfish, right now Simon just needed someone at whose feet he could unload all of his grief and anger, so that maybe he could start healing.
"It´s just…" Simon began, before he fell silent again. "I thought, that after all these years together, he´d have at least the decency to say it to my face. That he´d be honest, just for me, because I deserve it. But he just continues – carries on our relationship – as if nothing happened."
"You deserve better than that," Jace said forcefully, taking a swing at some imaginary opponent, probably Raphael in this case. "Why would he throw away what you two have? You´re the most sickening sweet couple I know – after Alec and Magnus, of course, no one can top their cheesiness." The comment did what Jace had planned and made Simon smile just a little bit, even though the smile vanished as fast as it had appeared.
"I had the ring ready," Simon whispered. Jace eyes widened.
"Shit," he cursed. And because that wasn't enough he added another "Shit!" He put a hand on Simon´s shoulder, a gesture that gave Simon much needed solace.
"I know what you need right now," Jace told him. Simon raised an eyebrow at the other man. "You need to get roaring drunk and forget that asshole back at your flat." Simon knew that getting drunk while in emotional upheaval was a bad idea, that it was as likely to make everything worse as it was to make it better, but right now he was so far past caring that it wasn't even funny anymore.
Oblivion sounded painfully attractive right now, so he just nodded.
Es tut weh,
wenn deine Augen lügen.
"Where have you been?" That were the words that Simon greeted Raphael with after his boyfriend had closed the front door behind himself. Raphael had his hair gelled back, was wearing the blue jeans that Simon had bought him for his birthday last year because it highlighted Raphael´s ass and the red and black leather jacket that he had lent Simon after their first date.
"Library," Raphael replied. "Still had to work on that assignment for my theology class."
"You could have called," Simon berated his boyfriend. "I cooked something, but now it´s gone cold."
"I´m sorry, Si," Raphael replied, looking properly chastised. Simon´s anger evaporated as fast as it had come.
"Next time just call," he told Raphael. He bridged the distance between them and brought their lips together. For a short moment, Raphael seemed hesitant, not reciprocating the kiss like he usually would, but then the moment had passed and Raphael kissed Simon with the same fervour as Simon was. When they let go of each other, Simon laid his head on Raphael´s shoulders, taking in that familiar smell that like nothing else symbolised home for Simon. The aroma of leather, feint traces of dust and books, chilli…
…and a cologne that neither he or Raphael owned.
Es tut weh,
wenn deine Worte falsch sind,
und ich nicht mehr der für dich bin.
People were rushing past him, some of them cursing him, others just ignoring him, but Simon didn't care as he stood there and watched the two occupants of the table at a restaurant across the street. The two were holding hands, sneaking love-struck gazes and stealing kisses from each other when they thought no one was looking. They looked like a normal couple who had just fallen in love and now enjoyed diving head into a fiery romance with the exact right person, only that they weren't.
Simon felt numb as he watched Raphael looking at Ragnor like he hadn't looked at Simon for ages. He didn't even register that he had taken a few steps forward until someone crashed into him and used an impressively large vocabulary to curse Simon. The daze suddenly broken, Simon could feel his hands shaking uncontrollably, could feel his breath becoming short and ragged. He could hear his heart beating in his chest, could hear his blood pulsing through his veins.
The last ember of hope to which he had clung so desperately slowly died out; the stubborn belief that Raphael wouldn't do something like this (cheating, the ugly voice in his head whispered, cheating on you) shattered into thousand shards, never to be repaired again. In one single moment Simon withered away and no one around him noticed.
Ragnor tilted his head towards Raphael, muttering something under his breath which made Raphael erupt into roaring laughter, something he had never done with Simon. He had never made Raphael laugh like this.
Simon turned around and ran.
Wann hast du das verloren,
was für mich alles war?
Du warst mir doch so nah,
auf einmal war nichts mehr da.
"Faster!" Simon commanded, burying his head into the pillow underneath him. Jace happily obliged, his pace becoming even faster and harder as he thrust into Simon from behind. Simon was sure that he would receive bruises on his hips where Jace was gripping him so hard as if he believed Simon would flee otherwise. Not that Raphael would notice, anyway. They hadn't had sex since the day Simon found out that the other was cheating on him. Simon needed those bruises because, even if Raphael never saw them, they were proof that Simon could hurt the other man as much as he had hurt him.
Pleasure was rolling through his body like ocean waves. Heat cursing through his veins, coiling in his stomach, repelling all those other bothersome feelings that usually swirled in his mind. His cock hung aching between his legs, leaking pre-cum onto the pristine bedsheets. Simon knew, one touch and he would be done. Maybe Raphael would notice that someone else had made him scream in their bed, had made Simon twist in their sheets.
Probably not. He barely came home before midnight most of these days.
Jace bent forwards, slinging both of his arms around Simon as he pressed his chest against the other´s back. Simon could feel Jace´s breath ghosting over his neck, could feel his heart pounding against his back and feel their sweat rolling down his back.
"Does he make you feel like this?" Jace whispered into his ear. "Make you scream like this?" He emphasised it by hitting Simon´s prostate with each consecutive thrust, making pleasure explode in Simon´s whole body. "Make you cum like this?" Jace´s hands found Simon´s nipples and then he was tweaking them. Simon let out a hoarse scream and then he was coming, shooting his sperm all over the bed. The clenching of his ass sent Jace over the edge as well, the blonde slipping out of Simon and stroking himself to completion, coming all over Simon´s back.
Both of them collapsed onto the mattress. The smell of come, sweat and sex penetrated the air and for a while nothing but their laboured breaths could be heard in the room.
"We can´t do this anymore," Jace said after a while. "It´s only destroying you. Destroying us both. And it isn't healthy, anyway, you using me as coping mechanism for Raphael cheating on you." Simon didn't reply anything. He knew that Jace was right, of course, but whenever he was with the blonde, whenever he just let go of himself and gave himself over to Jace he could also let go of this miasma of emotion that swirled within him and made every waking moment pure agony. Being with Jace muted the voices in his head, enabled him to just hold himself together for another day, sometimes even a week. He needed this like an addict needed their drugs and he didn't know if he could survive without it.
When Simon didn't say anything, Jace stood up and began to collect his clothes which had been thrown all over the room.
"Will you still be there?" Simon asked just as Jace was standing in the doorway, about to leave. The other man turned around and the expression on his face was one that Simon couldn't quite decipher.
"Call me when you´ve broken up with Raphael and we´ll find out, I suppose," Jace replied.
"Guess that´s only fair," Simon said more to himself than to Jace. Then the other was gone and Simon was alone again.
Du spielst dein Spiel und denkst
bestimmt ich merk das nicht.
Doch ich verbrenne innerlich,
komm sag's mir endlich in's Gesicht.
"We need to talk," Simon said and somehow it still hurt that Raphael seemed so unfazed by all of this. That, apparently, Simon was the only one hurt, the only one grieving.
"About what?" Raphael asked, not even bothering to look up from the book he was reading on the couch.
"Maybe about the fact that you´re cheating on me." Silence hung over the room after that statement. Then, as if in slow-motion, Raphael lowered his book.
"You know?" Simon just nodded, because he wasn't sure that he could speak right now. "Since when?"
"Three weeks," Simon replied, barely above a whisper.
"And you didn't mention anything?" Raphael asked.
"What should I have said, Raphael?" Simon snorted. "Asking you, why I wasn't enough? What made you decide to go looking for love in the arms of another man? Why you didn't even had the decency to break up with me beforehand? That I had to find out by following you to one of your dates!?" The more Simon spoke, the higher his voice rose until he was shouting at Raphael, who just sat there on the couch and let Simon´s words wash over him.
"Why aren't you defending yourself!?" Simon screamed. "Why aren´t you saying something!?"
"What is there to say?" Raphael replied, still so irritatingly calm. "I have nothing to defend myself. We just lost our spark and Ragnor was there when you weren't."
"There´s always been a spark between us," Simon whispered, feeling numb all over.
"For you maybe," Raphael said, burying the knife even deeper and twisting it around. "But not for me. Not any longer."
"I guess that´s it then, isn't it?" Simon said coarsely, a lump in his throat forming.
"Yeah." And suddenly the walls were much too narrow for Simon, the space to small, the air too suffocating He needed to get out, needed to get away from Raphael and all his shattered dreams. Simon was running before he could even process what he was doing, through the hallway, the staircase and finally the street. Just running and running, away from everything that he once thought would stay in his life forever.
Mein Herz bricht.
Es tut weh.