Funeral was few days ago. But I haven't stopped thinking about him. And crying. And asking Why?
It has been days since Lawrence Kutner died. Killed himself.
And I still can't believe he did that.
He was my good friend from med school. We spend endless days and nights together, studying, playing games, pulling pranks, enjoying life.
He humored me when I broke up with my longtime boyfriend, listened when I complained about useless and stupid men and then took me to box exhibition to improve my mood by watching men suffer.
All in all, he was the best friend anybody could ever have. His life philosophy was Carpe Diem.
But one thing that always bugged me was when he talked about his parents death. It felt disconnected, little sad, like he was talking about something that happened to somebody else. When I questioned him he insisted that things like this happen and that he is fine, he always has been.
As a doctor I saw many patients die and every death still affects me. Losing somebody close is even more hurtful. When I found out about Lawrence I couldn't believe it. I questioned myself endlessly why I didn't saw any sign of what's going to happen. I didn't sleep trying to find out why he would do such a thing. It didn't make any sense. No reason.
His positive attitude was contagious; he was funny and a very good doctor. I'm not saying he was perfect, he had vices and moods like everybody else but I could never even imagine he would commit suicide.
After few days I started to question every meeting with him, every time we talked, sent emails or text messages. Was there something I should have noticed? Or was he so good at deceiving other people maybe even himself by pretending that everything is all right?
Questions and more questions invaded my mind, occupying me for hours, making me cry, than shout angrily at no one particular.
After several minutes spent looking at the photos of my friends I finally found the one with Lawrence. We were supposed to meet at the park. He was there first, sitting on the bench, looking at the ground, his expression pensive. I took a picture from far probably not fully realizing how sad he looked.
I approached him and when he noticed me, his smile appeared.
"Why were you sad?" I asked.
He looked confused for a moment as if trying to remember something.
"No reason."