ONE

~.~

Hassan was just like Mama had said. He was tall and dark, and Jade had never seen anyone so beautiful. Even dressed in dusty riding clothes, his hair damp with perspiration, he was like all the different princes in the stories Mama read. Jade's heart beat with wild joy and pride. None of the other fathers she saw in town compared to him. Not even the handsome Jarl compared to him.

He looked at her with his dark eyes, and her heart sang. She was wearing her best long green tunic over a crisp white skirt, and Mama had braided her hair, pinning the braid into a tight bun. Did Papa like the way she looked? Mama said green was his favorite color, but why didn't he smile? Was she fidgeting? Mama said to stand straight and still and act proper. She said he would act like that. But he didn't look pleased at all.

"Isn't she beautiful, Hassan?" Mama said. Her voice sounded strange... tight, like she was choking. "Isn't she the most beautiful little girl you've ever seen?"

Jade watched Papa's dark eyes frown. He didn't look happy. He looked angry. Like Mama looked sometimes when Jade talked too much or asked too many questions.

"Just a few minutes," Mama said quickly. Too quickly. Was she afraid? But why? "That's all I'm asking, Hassan. Please. It would mean so much to her."

Hassan stared down at Jade. His mouth was pressed tight, and he studied her silently. Jade stood as still as she could. She's stared at herself in the rippling pond in their backyard so long this morning, she knew what he would see. She had her father's chin and nose, and her mother's ebony hair and fair skin. Her eyes were like her mother's too, although they were even more green. Jade wanted Papa to think she was pretty, and she gazed up at him hopefully. But the look in his eyes was not a nice one.

"Did you pick green on purpose, Adara?" Papa's words startled Jade. They were cold and angry. "Because it brings out the color of her eyes?"

Jade couldn't help it, she glanced at her mother-and her heat fell. Mama's face was filled with hurt.

Hassan glanced toward the foyer. "Clarice!"

"She's not here," Mama said quietly, head held high. "I gave her the day off."

Papa's eyes seemed to get even colder. "Did you? Well, that leaves you in a fix, doesn't it, dove?"

Mama stiffened, then bit her lip and glanced down at Jade. What was wrong? Jade wondered sadly. Wasn't Papa happy to see her? She had been so excited that she was actually going to be with him at last, even for a little while...

"What would you have me do?" Mama's word were directed at Papa, so Jade stayed silent, still hoping.

"Send her away. She know how to find Clarice, I would imagine."

Pink spots appeared on Mama's pale cheeks. "Meaning what, Hassan? That I entertain others in your absence?"

Jade's smile fell in confusion. They spoke so coldly to one another. Neither looked at her. Had they forgotten she was in the room? What was wrong? Mama was distraught. Why was Papa so angry about Clarice not being home?

Chewing her lip, Jade looked between them. Stepping closer, she tugged at her father's coat. "Papa..."

"Don't call me that."

She blinked, frightened and confused by his manner. He was her papa. Mama said so. He even brought her presents every time he came. Mama gave them to her. Maybe he was angry that she never thanked him. "I want to thank you for the presents you-"

"Hush, Jade," her mother said quickly. "Not now, darling."

Papa flashed her a thunderous look. "Let her speak. It's what you wanted, isn't it? Why are you shushing her now, Adara?"

Mama stepped closer and put her hand on Jade's shoulder. Jade could feel Mama's fingers trembling, but Papa bent toward her now, smiling. "What presents?" he stated more than asked.

He was so handsome, just like Mama said. She was proud to have a father like him.

"Tell me, little one."

"I always like the candies you bring me," Jade smiled, feeling warm and proud beneath his attention. "They are very nice. But best of everything is the jeweled heart."

She smiled again, glowing with joy that Papa listened so carefully. He even smiled, though Jade wasn't sure she liked his smile. It was small and tight.

"Indeed," he said and straightened. He looked at Mama now. "I'm so pleased to know how much my gifts mean."

Jade looked up at her father, thrilled at his approval. "I put it on my windowsill. The sun shines through it and makes the most beautiful colors dance around on the wall. Would you like to come see it?" She took his hand. When he jerked it away, she blinked, hurt, not understanding.

Mama bit her lip and reached out a hand toward Papa, then stopped suddenly. She looked afraid again. Jade looked from one parent to the other, struggling to understand. What had she done wrong? Wasn't Papa pleased that she liked his presents?

"So you pass on my gifts to the child," Papa sneered. "It's good to know how much they meant to you."

Jade bit her lip at the coldness in Papa's voice, but before she could speak, Mama touched her shoulder gently. "Darling, won't you go outside and play now?

Jade looked up, distressed. She had done something wrong. But what? "Can't I stay? I promise to be very quiet." Mama couldn't say another word. She looked at Papa through moist eyes.

Hassan bent down to Jade again, this time with another tight, small smile. "I want you to go outside and play," he whispered down at her quietly. "I want to talk to your mother alone." He patted her cheek.

Jade smiled, utterly enchanted. Papa had touched her; he wasn't angry at all! He loved her! Just as Mama had said all those times. "Can I come back when you're finished talking?"

Papa straightened stiffly. "Your mother will come and get you when that time comes. Now, do as you've been told."

"Yes, Papa..." Jade wanted to stay, but she wanted even more to please her father. Once out of the parlor, skipping through the kitchen, she was out the door and in her mother's garden. She picked a few lavender that grew aside the steps and then headed for the head of Dragon's Tongue. She plucked the petals. "He loves me...he loves me not...he loves me...he loves me n-" She hushed as she came around the corner. Still able to hear bits of the conversation, she didn't want to disturb Mama and Papa. All she wanted was to be close to them.

Jade daydreamed contentedly. Maybe Papa would put her up on his shoulders. She wondered if he'd take her for a ride on his big black horse. She would have to change her dress, of course, but Papa never seemed too fond of it anyways...
She wished he would have let her sit on his lap while he talked to Mama. She would have liked that very much, and she would have not at all been a bother.

The windows were open, allowing the crisp mountain air to waft in. Mama loved the smell of lavender and the distant stream to fill the living area. Jade wanted to listen to her parents. That way she would know just when Papa would send Mama to come get her and let her back in again. If she was very quiet, she wouldn't disturb them, and all Mama would have to do was lean out and call her name.

"What was I do, Hassan? You've never spent so much as a minute with her! What was I to tell her? That her father doesn't care? That he wishes she would have never been born?"

Jade's lips parted. No... Deny it, Papa!

"I brought that jewel back from Hammerfell for you, and you throw it away on some child who has no appreciation for it's value. Did you give her the diamond necklace as well? What of the music box? I suppose the little brat got that too, huh?"

The bunch of lavender and Dragon's Tongue fluttered away from Jade's hand. She sat down on the ground, careless of the crisp white skirt getting dirty. She closed her winter jacket, allowing it to swallow her. Jade's heart slowed from it's wild, happy beat. Everything inside her seemed to spiral downward with each hurtful word.

"Hassan, please. I didn't see any harm in giving her that one thing. It made it easier; telling a small lie like that of you care than having her crushed with knowing the truth. She asks me every time she knows you're coming if she's old enough to meet you. How can I say no to her again? I didn't have the heart. She doesn't understand your neglect, and quite frankly neither do I."

"You know how I feel about her."

"How can you say what you feel? You don't even know her! She's a beautiful young child, Hassan. She's quick and charming, and every bit like you. She's a someone not a something... and you just can't pawn her off like you do me and all the other-"

"I have enough children by my wife." He didn't even bat an eye at the remark. "Legitimate children. The ones you ask for. I told you I didn't want another, and that's exactly what I meant."

"How can you say that! How can you say that about your own flesh and blood?"

"I told you how I felt from the beginning. But did you listen? No. She should have never been born, Adara, but instead you insisted on having your way...and look where it's got you."

"Do you think I wanted to get pregnant? Do you think I planned to have her?"

"Y'know, I've often wondered. Especially when I arranged a way out of the situation for you and you refused. The doctor I sent you would have taken care of the whole mess. He would've gotten rid of-"

"I couldn't do it!" Mama's voice quivered. Jade saw her Mama clutch her thin stomach. "How could you expect me to kill my unborn child? Don't you understand? It's a immoral sin."

"You've spent too much time in those Temples," he said derisively. "Have you ever thought that you wouldn't have had the problems you do now if you had gotten rid of her the way I told you. It would've been easy. But you ran out."

"I wanted her!" Mama said brokenly. Her words sputtering together through her sobs and gasps for air. "She was part of you, Hassan, and part of me. I wanted her even if you didn't..."

"Is that the real reason?"

"Hassan, you're hurting me!"

Jade flinched as something shattered loudly. "Is that the real reason, Adara? Or did you have her because you though bearing my child would give you a hold over me you otherwise lacked?"

"You can't believe that!" Mama winced. "You do, don't you? Oh you're a fool, Hassan! Oh gods, what have I done? I gave up everything for you! My family, my friends, my self-respect, everything I believed in, every hope I ever had..."

"I built you this manor when I could have easily not looked your way ever again! I give you all the things you could possibly need, and yet, this is how you repay me?"

Mama's voice rose strangely. "Do you know what it's like for me to walk down the street of this town? You come and you go when and as you please. No, don't you dare give me that look! You have the image of a perfect life with a perfect little family and everyone knows who you are and they all know what I am. No one looks at me! No one speaks to me... Jade feels it, she's not stupid, she knows! She asked me about it once, all I told her is that we're different from other people. I didn't know what else to say." Her voice broke. "I'm sure to go to the Void for what I've become."

"I'm sick of your guilt and I'm sick of hearing about that child. She's ruining everything between us. Do you remember how happy we were? We never argued. I couldn't wait to come to you, to be with you."

"Don't-"

"And how much time do I have left with you today? Enough? You've used it up on her. I told you what would happen, didn't I? I wish she had never been born!"

Mama cried out a terrible name. There was a deafening shout and a loud crash followed. Terrified, Jade got up and ran. She raced through Mama's garden and across the hills onto the pathway and through the trees. Crashing through branches and being picked by thorns, she ran in the cold that was burning in her lungs, until she couldn't run anymore. Gasping, her sides burning, she dropped down into the dead leaves, her shoulders heaving with sobs, her face streaked with tears. She heard a horse galloping toward he outside of the woodwork. Scrambling in the thick bushes for a better hiding place, she peered out and saw her father ride by on his great black horse with it's strange glowing eyes. Ducking down, she huddled there, crying, and waited for Mama to come fetch her.

But Mama didn't come and she didn't call. Jade sat there and waited, even while the silent snow started to pile up on the tall trees of Falkreath. By the time Mama came, it was dark out, and the warmth of her torch was enough refuge to stop Jade's insides from their shaking. She dried her tears silently in her mother's large shawl.

Mama was very pale, her eyes dull and red rimmed. There was a blue mark on the side of her face of what Jade could tell. She had taken the time and tried covering it with powder. She smiled, but it wasn't like her usual smile.

"I've been looking and looking everywhere for you." Jade knew she hadn't. She had been watching for her. Mama put the entire shawl over her, wrapping it twice and hoisting her up. "Your father was called suddenly on business."

"Is he coming back?" Jade was afraid. She never wanted to see him again. He had hurt Mama and made her cry.

"Maybe not for a long time. We'll have to just wait and see. He's a very busy and important man." Jade said nothing, only hugged her mother tightly, hoping she'd never let go. "Hey, it's alright," She brought her head back to get a better look at her, to look straight into her jade orbs. "We'll go home, I'll put on a pot of tea and you'll help me bake a nice Crostata. Does that sound lovely, my dove?"

Jade nodded and put her arms around Mama's neck. Her mouth trembled, and it wasn't because of the chill anymore. She tried her hardest not to cry. If she cried, Mama might guess she's been eavesdropping and then she'd be angry with her too.

Mama held her tightly, her face buried in Jade's ebony hair. "We'll make it through this, sweetheart, don't you worry. We will."

Hassan didn't come back, and Mama grew thin and wan. She stayed in her bed too late, and when she got up, she didn't bother with getting herself washed or dressed. She didn't want to go on any walks the way she used to, and used the wintry weather as an excuse. When she smiled, her eyes didn't light up. Clarice said she needed to eat more. Clarice said a lot of things, carelessly, with Jade close enough to hear.

"He's still sending you money, Miss Adara. That's something."

"I don't care about the money." Mama's eyes filled up. "I've never cared about any of that."

"Yeah, but you'd care if you didn't have any."

Jade tried everything to cheer Mama up. She'd bring her bouquets of her favorite flowers. She found pretty stones and washed them, giving them to her as presents. Mama always smiled and thanked her, but there was no sparkle in her eyes. Jade sang the songs Mama had taught her, the sad Morrowind ballads and a tale of heroism from the Dragonborn's return. But Hassan was no Hero...

"Mama, why don't you sing anymore?" Jade asked, climbing up onto the bed with her and setting her doll down in rumpled covers. "I know you'll start feeling better if you'd just sing."

Mama brushed her long coal-black hair slowly. "I don't feel much like singing, darling. Mama has a lot on her mind right now."

Jade felt a heaviness growing inside of her. It was all her fault. All her fault. If she hadn't been born, Mama would sing. She'd be happy and lively. "Will Hassan come back, Mama?"

Mama looked at her, but Jade didn't care. She wouldn't call him Papa anymore. He had hurt Mama and made her sad. Ever since he'd left, Mama had scarcely paid attention to her. Jade even heard her tell Clarice that love wasn't a blessing, it was a curse. Jade glanced at Mama's face, and her heart sank. She looked so sad. Her thoughts were far away again, and Jade knew it was him on her mind. Mama wanted him to come back. Mama cried at night because he didn't. Mama pressed her face into her pillow at night, but Jade still heard her sobs.

She chewed on her lip and lowered her head, playing distractedly with her doll. "What if I got sick and died, Mama?"

"You won't get sick," Mama said, glancing at her. She smiled. "You're far too young and healthy to die."

Jade watched her mother brush her hair, an ebony mane rippling down her pale shoulders. She was so beautiful. How could he not love her? "But if I did, Mama, would he come back to be with you?"

Mama went very still. She turned and stared at Jade, and the horrified look in her eyes frightened her. She shouldn't have said that. Now Mama might guess she heard their fight... "Don't you ever think that, my gem."

"But-"

"No! Don't you ever ask such a question like that again. Do you understand?"

Mama had never raised her voice before, especially to her; Jade felt her chin quiver and she fought the tears with all her might. "Yes, Mama."

"Never again," Mama said more gently. "Promise me. None of this has anything to do with you, Jade." Mama reached for her and pulled her into her arms. She began to stroke her hair gently. "I love you so much, Jade. More than anything on this world."

Except for him, Jade thought. Except for Hassan. What if he did come back? What if he made Mama choose? What would Mama do then? Afraid, Jade clung to her mother and prayed he would stay away.