Will the Real Joker Please Stand Up?
"Pour the drinks, Harley – Selina and I need something to celebrate!" said Poison Ivy as she and Selina Kyle entered Harley Quinn's hideout.
"Oh yeah? Me too, gals!" said Harley, emerging from the kitchen with a tray of glasses and a pitcher of margaritas. "But you go first."
"Both Ivy and me are free and single once more," said Selina, rolling her eyes. "I'm not sure it's a cause for celebration, but Ivy thinks it is."
"Of course it is," said Ivy. "What could be better than a couple of free, independent single women? We can have our pick of all the men in Gotham!"
"If you can find one you haven't dated yet, Ivy," retorted Selina.
"You really can be catty sometimes, can't you, Selina?" said Ivy. "I guess that's where your name comes from. Don't blame me because you can't make things work with the Bat."
"I don't wanna talk about him, all right?" snapped Selina, grabbing her margarita. "I just wanna move on as soon as possible."
"That's certainly the healthiest thing to do," agreed Ivy, nodding as she took her cocktail.
"I dunno, gals - I think leaping from man to man is often just a way of masking your pain, rather than dealing with it," said Harley.
"Thank you, Little Miss Shrink," retorted Ivy. "Forgive me if I don't take relationship advice from the woman dating the Joker."
"Hey, maybe we can learn something from Harley and J's relationship," said Selina, shrugging.
"Yeah. What not to do," agreed Ivy.
"I'm serious, Ivy," replied Selina. "I mean, I don't personally understand what's attractive about J, but it's enough to make Harley see past his superficial ugliness and love the beauty within. Whatever that is."
"Whaddya mean?" asked Harley, eyebrows narrowing. "Mr. J's the most gorgeous man in the world."
"C'mon, Harley, he looks like a clown," retorted Selina. "Clowns aren't sexy. But I'm complimenting you for being able to see beyond that – Ivy and me usually go for looks over substance, and it's pretty obvious you don't."
"Mr. J's a sex bomb!" shrieked Harley. "He's got the face and body of a god, on top of all his other attractive qualities!"
"Yeah, he looks like one of those Mexican death gods," agreed Ivy. "You know the ones with the skull faces?"
"I think you gals are just jealous that I hit the jackpot," sniffed Harley. "Stunning good looks, sense of humor, talent, intelligence, and every other attractive thing about a man all rolled into one gorgeous package! And speaking of his package, that's gorgeous too, and huge…"
"All right, Harley, shut up," interrupted Selina. "Nobody wants to know. Forget I said anything – I'll never try to compliment you again."
"See that you don't," retorted Harley. "I'm suspicious of compliments – Mr. J usually only gives 'em when he's setting me up for a fall."
"What a catch," said Ivy sarcastically, rolling her eyes. "Anyway, what was your good news, Harley?"
"Oh yeah. Mr. J and me are heading off on vacation next week," said Harley, cheering up instantly.
"That is good news," agreed Ivy. "Anything that gets the Joker far away from me is an occasion worth celebrating."
"I hope you don't mind postponing these girly evenings for a few weeks until I'm back," continued Harley.
Ivy and Selina shared a look. They had no intention of postponing their cocktail and gossip evenings just because Harley was out of town – they intended just to continue to have them and add Harley and her toxic relationship with the Joker to their list of things to complain about while getting progressively more drunk. But of course they had no intention of telling her this.
"No problem at all, Harley," said Selina, smiling at her. "We'll look forward to all meeting up again when you return."
"You and J got any big plans for this vacation, or is it more of a relaxing getaway?" asked Ivy.
"Well, it's meant to be a romantic getaway with just the two of us," said Harley. "There'll be no Batman to come between us since we're going far away from Gotham. But if I know Mr. J, he'll still find a way to pull some gag or joke or scheme or something," she sighed.
"Do I sense a hint of dissatisfaction about your relationship with the clown?" asked Ivy, eagerly.
"It's nothing, Red," said Harley, shaking her head. "I'm just being silly. But lately…he's just seemed even more emotionally distant than usual."
"I'm really struggling to imagine J even more emotionally distant than usual," said Selina, thoughtfully.
"I think it's just the Bat bothering him," continued Harley, ignoring her. "He's managed to foil Mr. J's past three schemes before he could even pull a gag, and Mr. J is worried he's becoming predictable. That's why I'm hoping when we're away from Gotham, it'll cheer him up a bit. I don't like seeing him unhappy. It's so wrong seeing Mr. J without his smile."
She forced a smile of her own. "So in that vein, since you gals are…y'know…more experienced than me, do you have any tips on things guys love a gal to do to them in the bedroom? Something that will really perk him up and drive him crazy?"
Ivy and Selina shared another look, and smiled at each other. "Oh yes, Harley," murmured Ivy. "I'm sure we could give you some advice that would really drive J wild."
It was sweet that Harley trusted her friends – it was also incredibly naïve of her. For although Ivy and Selina really did value Harley's friendship, what they both valued even more was making the Joker suffer. And what better way to do that than to practice on Harley's relative sexual inexperience and tell her some things that all men enjoyed, which really would make most men never trust a woman in bed again?
Harley, unfortunately for the Joker, took the bait, and one evening a few days later, Ivy was woken up by her phone ringing.
"Mmm…hello?" she murmured, sleepily.
"Red, how could you do this to me?!" shrieked Harley. Ivy heard angry shouting and roars of pain in the background, which she recognized as Joker's voice.
"I'm bleeding! I think I'm actually bleeding! You nearly ripped them off, you stupid girl! And how would you have had kids then, huh?!"
"Hang on, Harley – I wanna get Selina on the line for this," said Ivy, beaming. "She'll wanna hear the clown in pain too!"
"This was a horrible thing to do to me, Red!" shrieked Harley. "I told you we were going through a rough patch as a couple, and this ain't gonna make things any better! You think I don't get sex as it is?! Now hell is gonna have to get a visit from Mr. Freeze before Mr. J lets me near him again! I trusted you both, and you go and pull a stunt like this!"
Ivy couldn't resist responding with, "Well, actually, you're the one who pulled stuff, Harley."
Harley didn't respond except to shriek in fury and throw the phone against the wall, shattering it. Harley immediately burst into tears, burying her face in her hands.
"I'm the one who should be crying, you dumb blonde!" shouted Joker from the bathroom. "You nearly ripped my cojones off! But instead I'm gonna kill you, and then I'm gonna kill your stupid gal pals! Oh God, this is the worst pain ever!"
"Puddin', where are you going?" asked Harley as he stormed from the bathroom, fully dressed and grabbing his suitcase.
"I'm going back to Gotham!" he growled. "This whole trip was a terrible idea! Why would anyone wanna be stuck alone with you for a couple weeks?! I'm going back to Bats, who understands me, and who doesn't fight dirty, unlike some people!"
"Puddin', please, I won't listen to anything Red and Selina say ever again!" cried Harley.
"It's too late, Harley – this is the second time in recent memory that you've seriously hurt me during sex, and not in a fun way!" shouted Joker. "I enjoy pain, a lotta pain, but there are certain lines you must not cross! And until you wise up and learn what those are, you're not coming anywhere near me! In fact, just stay away from me! Go find a place of your own! If I want you back, I'll come find you, but don't you dare come find me!"
"Puddin', please don't throw me out!" she whispered, tears streaming down her cheeks. "Please don't break up with me again! I love you, and I can't bear to be away from you…"
"I need space, Harl," he growled, shoving stuff in his suitcase. "I feel…dried up and uninspired."
"Lemme try to inspire you, puddin'," she whispered. "That's what I wanted this vacation to be about – you and me, but more importantly, you. Whatever it is that's wrong, I just wanna help make it right."
"There's nothing you can do, Harley," he retorted. "It's not something you can fix. I just need to be alone for a while. I need to be the Joker, without anyone else interfering."
"You are the Joker, puddin'," she said, puzzled.
He shook his head. "If Bats can figure out my schemes, I ain't the Joker. The Joker ain't predictable like that. I'm having an identity crisis or something, and I can't work it out with you around. I don't need to be part of a couple right now – I need to be the Joker. And he doesn't need anyone."
He looked at her. "If you love me, you'll let me go," he murmured.
"I do love you," she whispered, tears trailing down her cheeks. "And if you need to go…you go, puddin'. I'll wait for you to take me back. You…you will take me back, won't you?"
He shrugged. "Well, eventually I'll probably get bored of having to do errands and chores myself," he said, smiling at her.
She smiled back. "I love you, puddin'," she whispered, kissing him. "I'll see you soon, when you feel like your old self again."