Goblin Holly Daze and Mistletoe Madness
Ch. 1 – 'Sex Rhymes'
Author's Note: My muse up and left me in August and I have no inspiration on '50 Shades of Fey' right now. That said, I wanted to give my loyal (and new) readers a bit of a Christmas treat to say thank you for all of the 'likes', 'favourites', comments and love over the past 4 years. So here a special little Christmas story just for you. I have it plotted out (mostly) and plan to write for an hour each day, and post every couple of days through New Years.
HAPPY HOLIDAYS! (and as always…please review…it will motivate me to write faster )
You can expect: UST (lots)…silliness…goblin mayhem…romance… and of course smut! (Cuz this is a pressie for my readers after all ;) ) Mixed together liberally, baked in the heat of passion and served up with lashings of Southern charm. If you liked 'Dreams, Wishes and Plain Brown Wrappers' you should like this one :)
~'*'~J/S~'*'~~J/S~'*'~~J/S~'*'~~J/S~'*'~~J/S~'*'~~J/S~'*'~~J/S~'*'~~J/S~'*'~
Looking out the open balcony doors of the throne room, Jareth stretched, tossing one leather clad leg over the curved arm of his casual throne and lightly tapped his crystal topped crop against the side of his boot. Lost in his own thoughts, he leaned back, staring at the Labyrinth's sky which glowed the iridescent pink and orange of the early morning hour. At the realization that the sun was already firmly in the sky, Jareth glanced at the ornately carved, 13-hour clock that hung in the Goblin Throne Room, then frowned as he realized it was nearly 8 in the morning and there wasn't a goblin to be seen. Ordinarily he might be glad of the respite, but since there were some goblins that practically lived in the throne room, their absence was both notable and worrisome.
"Rene," he called, looking toward the curtained doorway at the side of the room as the tall elf who served as the chamberlain for the castle slipped into the throne room. Rene strode quietly across the stones, his dark hair pulled back in a long braid that fell over his shoulder and down his chest, appearing glossy against the purple brocade waistcoat that bore the insignia of the Goblin Court.
"Yes, Sire?" Rene asked, stopping at the side of the throne, a leather bound book and quill appearing in his hands.
"Correct me if I am wrong, but isn't nearly time for the servants and castle minions to break their fast?" Jareth commented in a matter-of-fact tone. Rene nodded, checking the golden pocketwatch hanging from the finely woven chain attached to the deep purple vest he wore over a simple white linen shirt and leather breeches like Jareth's.
"It is, Sire. The dining hall for staff and minions opened ten minutes ago. I have checked with Aurelia in the kitchen. Most of the Goblin Court members have departed to their homes in preparation for the Yule season at the High Court, so she has arranged for those left to have private breakfast trays taken to their rooms," Rene replied.
The Goblin King shook his head, unconcerned for the location or breakfast preparations meant for the members of the Goblin Court. To be honest, if he could run the kingdom without the hassle of having to deal with the formalities of having a court, he would be far happier. More troubling was the absence of the castle goblins. Their primary motivation in life was to cause mischief, so to have them unaccounted for was a concern. Twisting his hand, a crystal orb materialized, balancing perfectly upon his fingertips. Inside the orb swirled shimmering mist that slowly faded to show him the servant dining hall bustling with activity as servants enjoyed their breakfast. But like his throne room, the dining hall was missing a key population – goblins.
"What the blazes is going on this morning. Where are my goblins?" Jareth grumbled, his frown deepening as he sat up in the throne. His boots made a hollow thumping sound as they hit the slate stones in front of the throne. Twisting his hand once more, the view in the crystal changed, showing that the Goblin City was bustling with goblin citizens as it should be, yet except for a few goblin guards doing patrols and the higher ranked goblin staff, the castle minions were missing.
Rene looked thoughtful then pursed his lips, nodding quietly. "I hadn't thought anything of it, Sire, but you are right. While I completed my morning tasks throughout the castle, I don't recall seeing any of the goblin horde, which is rather odd actually. I've never known them to miss a meal – that's the one thing they are always on time for."
Jareth's pale eyes narrowed as he continued to search the orb for his minions. "Indeed, they are rather like Hobbits that way."
"You don't suppose someone has taken them, do you?" Rene asked.
The king shook his head, mystified by the lack of minions throughout the castle and Goblin City. "Not if they had any sense. The minions have no power and their magic is only granted when there is a wisher. Besides, the only thing the little louts are good for is causing trouble." Despite the fact that the castle horde served no official purpose outside of collecting the wished away, their disappearance worried the king, not that he would ever let them know it.
"Then where could they be?" Rene mused, checking his pocket-watch against the large clock on the wall, the ticking sound seeming far too loud in the empty throne room.
Before the words were fully out of his mouth, a rag-tag group of goblins burst through the heavy wooden doors of the throne room, grinning inanely and dancing as they sang – loudly and unfortunately, off-key. Some had ropes of brightly colored fluffy tinsel wrapped around their necks like scarves, others had thin strands of tinsel draped atop their helms. One was wearing a furry red mitten on his head like a hat, with a fluffy white chicken feathers stuck to his chin with what appeared to be tar. Rene blinked in disbelief, while the Goblin King leaned forward, his chin resting upon his hand as he watched the group move further into the room.
"Sex rhymes….SEX rhymes….SEX RHYMES! Tapping that…hitting that…make the beast that has two backs," several of them sang, only to have the skinny little goblin wearing the mitten hat and feathers on his face smack two of them up the back of the head and shout.
"No… no beasties has two backs!" he protested, then muttered. "Get it right."
"Fireys can have two backs…two fronts too," one of the giggled, as two more continued to sing. "Knocking boots, rooting down…"
"King gots boots…lets go get some," one of the mob piped up. The others apparently thought this was an excellent idea as they veered off course toward the side door of the throne room that led toward the main hall.
"Bumping uglies, fool around…" continued the singers as they danced and wiggled across the throne room.
"Youz ugly," laughed Splut, only to be shoved by Dent who protested. "No…you iz!"
"Choking chicken…." Shouted the 'singers' as they gave up on any pretence of actual singing.
"Why they choke chickens? Chickens is good…" questioned Meep, pushing a mess of silvery tinsel out of his face while trying to avoid running into Dent who had been knocked over by Splut.
"Cuz the chickens likes it," suggested Splut, as he tried to kick Dent only to howl when he missed and kicked the stone step in front of the throne.
And still the 'singers' shouted, wiggling their hips in a lewd display, made even more disturbing when Jareth realized that one of the group appeared to have a small red flannel stuffed elf stuck down the front of his trousers, the body of the toy flopping up and down with each thrust of the goblins hips.
"Flicking bean, DTF, DP and CBT, ATM, Bondage and discipline, scissoring, S&M, masturbation, gagging, facial…."
"Scissors doan work…use a knife," added Blot, despite the fact that he was shouted down by the singers, who seemed to be getting louder with each added 'verse'. "Fisting and spanking and an enema with cham-pag-kneee, gooey, hoo-ha ah…whips and chains… underwater gangbang!"
Finally realizing what the goblins were shouting, Jareth stood and roared, "ENOUGH!"
As one the goblins froze, googly eyes blinking silently at their king.
Jareth glared at them, his usually pale eyes black. "What are you doing?!" demanded, the Goblin King, stalking toward the huddled bunch of goblins, waves of irritation pouring off him.
"Singing," replied Blot as if the answer was perfectly obvious.
Frowning, Jareth shut his eyes and pinched the bridge of his nose, trying to control his mounting anger. Ordinarily he would have bogged the lot of them for a fortnight and been done with it, but if he did that, he'd never find out where they learned a song of such a 'dubious' nature.
"First of all, what you idiots do isn't 'singing' by any stretch of the imagination," Jareth growled, pleased when several of the goblins shrunk back from him, leaving the one wearing the mitten hat and feathers on his face to be the spokes-goblin for the group. "Just what is that song you are singing?"
"Sex Rhymes," explained the mitten-wearing goblin, who Jareth recalled was named Snot. "Iz Santy Claws song."
At that, Jareth arched an eyebrow in surprise. Given that his duty was to collect wished away mortals, he was familiar with their customs, holidays and slang. This song however, was new to him. "I may be unfamiliar with some of the terms used in that 'song' you were bellowing, but many of them are known to me, and I can assure you, it has nothing to do with Santa Clause."
"Yes it does," protested Blot, then poked the one wearing the mitten. "Tell him."
The grey goblin wearing the mitten stood up straighter, with his hands on his hips. "Uh huh! Sarah said she's packing for Santy Claws trip…and listening to musics."
Sarah.
That explained some of it, but Jareth had his doubts as to her teaching them such an inappropriate song. Then again, it wouldn't be the first time she taught them something obnoxious in order to torment him. He frowned slightly as his mind vividly recalled when she taught the goblins Nanny Ogg's favourite song about the wizard's knob. Jareth bit his lip to suppress the dark grin at the memory of Sarah showing up drunk in his study singing that song at the top of her lips and making lewd suggestions about his wizard's knob. Knave though he may be, even he wouldn't dare take advantage of her in that state, although he would have dearly loved to see the look on her face when she saw what his did when rubbed.
Jareth shook his head and stood up. "Get out of my sight," he ordered, waving the goblins away. As they scattered, he frowned again and grabbed the nearest one, who just happened to be the one wearing the mitten on his head. "You said Sarah is packing? Why?"
The goblin merely shrugged. "Dunno… she says she gots to go on holly daze. But I din see no holly in her suitcase."
Sighing at the uselessness of his minions, Jareth dropped Snot to the stone floor, not even noticing when he skittered away after his mates. "Rene… I'll be gone for a few hours," the Goblin King said, pulling a glowing purple orb from the air and dropping it at his feet where it burst in a swirl of purple smoke.
Rene sighed and watched as the smoke cleared, the fine sheen of glitter still hanging in the air being the only sign that the Goblin King had been there only moments before. From down the hall he could hear the goblins starting up their 'singing' once more, this time attempting a round with half of them singing this 'Sex Rhymes' song and the other half shouting about the wizard's knob.
"It's going to be a long day," he muttered as he left the throne room.
~'*'~J/S~'*'~~J/S~'*'~~J/S~'*'~~J/S~'*'~~J/S~'*'~~J/S~'*'~~J/S~'*'~~J/S~'*'~
Author's Note: And there you go… the first chapter. You can expect another chapter in a couple of days. Since I am limiting my writing time while trying to get my writing mojo back, the chapters for this story will be on the short side.
Also…Yes, the song in this chapter is a real thing. 'Sex Rhymes' is a new song by Schaffer the Darklord (on the EP of the same name). It's hysterical. You can listen to it on YouTube if you want to hear the whole thing.
As to '50 Shades of Fey'…I will get back to writing on that one eventually. I've got about 4 new story ideas these days, which may get written while I work on getting my '50 Shades' mojo back.