Disclaimer: I don't own HP and anything you recognize is not mine.
BOXERS OR BRIEFS?
Chapter One: The Plan
What was with the lot of them? Girls are supposed to thrive on gossip, aren't they? You'd think only one or two girls would ask him, three tops, and then it would be all over the school and no one would need to ask him ever again. Right? No, that just couldn't happen to Remus J. Lupin. He was never that lucky.
And they say boys are the only ones who think with their hormones, he thought with disgust, rolling his eyes. I mean, really, who bloody cares anyway? It's not like they want him fully dressed and studying, for Merlin's beard! And why, oh why, the poor werewolf mused, is it that they only ask me? Those crazy girls could at least ask James or Peter or Sirius himself if they were so interested.
But why ask the sex deities or puttering little Peter when they could ask Remus Lupin? The quiet one, the one who always pays attention to details, the one who wouldn't joke about those same pitiful love-struck girls behind their backs. And how many times have I been asked? he wondered. Not just today, not just this week, not just this year, no- how many times have I been asked in the entirety that I have known Sirius? He attempted to compile a list of the never-ending fawners, a list that quickly began to escalate in his mind as he tried to total them up. In the end, he was both too dizzy and too horror-struck to finish counting and gave up completely.
Good god, today alone I've been asked at least twelve times, and-"Excuse me, um, Remus? Do you have a moment?" A shy, timid little fourth year approached him, nervously twirling a chestnut strand of hair.
Please don't ask me, he begged silently, a mantra formulating in his head. Please don't ask me, please don't ask me, please don't ask me, please don't ask me, please don't- "Sure, Tiffany, what's on your mind?" the tawny-eyed young man inquired pleasantly, somewhat putting the girl at ease.
"Well, I was wondering…" she paused, nibbling her lip as she screwed up her courage. Oh? You want help on the Defense homework Professor Hawkins assigned today? Of course… "I was just curious if, um, Sirius-" Here she blushed, and Remus' chant returned with tenfold of his original fervor. "If Sirius Black wore boxers or briefs?" she finished in a quick rush.
Remus groaned mentally, struggling to keep the amiable expression in place. Did I say twelve times? Make that thirteen. He sighed, managing to keep his lips from curving cruelly at the terrible irony of it all as he answered solemnly, "Boxers, Tiff. Most definitely boxers."
"Ah, thanks Remus. Thank you so much." The fourth year girl skipped away from him, hurrying to class, a triumphant flush filling her cheeks. Remus waited until she turned the corner before he slapped a hand to his face, using the other to rub his tense shoulders as he boiled in aggravation.
I don't care if they want to be fucking obsessed with the bloody git, he decided darkly, stomping off to class himself. But this is the last straw! It's got to stop!
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Plopping down in the Gryffindor common room after Herbology, Remus brushed a few shaggy golden locks out of his eyes, feeling drained. What to do? he asked himself. What can I possibly do to get them to stop asking? I know what I can-
"Hullo Moony my lad, how dost thou fare?"
Ah, the man of the hour. "Bugger off, Sirius, I'm trying to think."
"Well, sheesh! Jimmy and I were going to dignify you with an invitation to the kitchens, but if you're not going to be gracious about it-" the raven-haired boy sniffed dramatically, "-then I'm not going to ask you!"
"Good, I don't want to go anyway. Bye bye now," Remus replied, letting his eyes fall shut as he sprawled out on the couch he was occupying. He listened to the boy huff, but didn't hear him move away. Sneaking a peek, he sighed, irritated. "I thought you were going to the kitchens?"
"Why don't you want to come?" the other whined, looking determined that Remus go. "It'll be fun," he added coaxingly when Remus raised an eyebrow incredulously.
"No. Now go away. I'm worn out, Sirius," he continued when he saw the slightly hurt expression fill his friend's eyes. Sirius never was good at disguising his emotions. "Please, please just go without me. You and James will have fun, you always do."
"Fine. But we're going to make you help us prank someone later whether you like it or not!" Satisfied with his exit line, Sirius stuck his tongue out at the werewolf and then flounced away. Remus groaned aloud, allowing his eyes to fall shut once more. Nope. Getting them to stop isn't good enough…new plan, he decided deviously. Operation Show Sirius How It Feels! He blinked at his own lack of eloquence, and groaned again. Note to self- work on a more dignified mission name.
"Now," he muttered. "To formulate the plan." Hmmm…'the plan' sounds a lot better than OSSHIF…yeah, let's call it the plan. "Now that I've got a semi-course of action, what I need is-" his molten gold gaze raked the room, zoning in on one particular fellow seventh year. Lily Evans, desperately trying to get two third years to stop disturbing the fifth years studying for their OWLs (it was, after all, March), was unaware of the feral smirk that lit up Remus' features. "And we have an accomplice!"
The Head Girl marched his way, her frustration with the lack of cooperation apparent. Remus stood up and fell into step with the fuming redhead, smiling winningly. He was, after all, a Marauder at heart. "Good evening Lily, how are you?"
The harried girl spared him a quick, slightly curious glance. It wasn't everyday that Remus Lupin, renowned Gryffindor recluse, spoke to someone outside of a few students at the school, mainly sticking with his little band of friends and sometimes with those he tutored. "I'm quite busy actually," she replied, still walking at a fast pace. If he wanted to speak with her badly enough, she reasoned, he'd keep up. "What can I do for you Mr. Lupin?"
Another peculiarity about Lily Evans, Remus mused, she never used anyone's first name, outside of Minerva McGonagall, the transfiguration teacher, and Snape, the sniveling Slytherin. When the emerald-eyed girl cleared her throat and shot him an irritated look, he hurriedly spoke up. "Well, um, Miss Evans-" He decided that was a safe way to address her, ignoring the arched brow. "-I was wondering if you'd like some help. I know the Easter Hols are coming up, and the March Mingler," a dance, "and of course graduation, and NEWTS, and the graduation ball…and you just seem kind of swamped. I'm offering my assistance."
The girl stared at him, puzzled, and bumped absently into a student, muttering an apology as she appraised his innocent expression. "And what do you want in return?" she demanded shrewdly.
Remus sighed. "You caught me. Look, I know you're overworked, and I need a little help planning something, and you're the best. Plus, it'll be fun. Don't you need a little fun in your life, Miss Evans?"
The girl looked surprised at his honesty, then aggravated by his audacity, then intrigued. She finally slowed to a halt, drawing Remus aside in the deserted hallway. "What did you have in mind?" she asked after a moment.
"A trade off," he replied, hoping his tangible enthusiasm was as catching as Sirius' usually was. "You help me, and I help you."
"I'm interested," she decided finally, after a few moments of silence. "So, what do you 'need a little help planning'?" Remus explained the situation, making Lily laugh until tears poured down her cheeks, leaving the redhead clutching her stomach as she tried to control herself. Calming down to a few giggles here and there, she straightened, looking him straight in the eye. "Let me get this straight. You want me to help you get a bunch of people to ask Black whether you wear boxers or briefs and pretend to be in love with you until he gets so fed up he explodes, and then you can laugh in his face…is that correct?"
"You put it succinctly," Remus purred, reveling in her delight. "So, are you in?"
"Are you kidding?" she countered, looking animated and energized for the first time in months. "I wouldn't miss this for the world!"
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The morning following this encounter, girls all over the school received secret
calling cards, all with the same thing engraved upon the parchments.
You are cordially invited to a secret meeting in which a prank soon to be administered will be discussed. Please be present at said confidential meeting to be held tomorrow in the deserted classroom on floor five. Your attendance is looked forward to with great anticipation. If, however, you try to inform anyone of said meeting, your tongue will tie itself into a rather painful knot by a curse only removable by Madam Pomfrey. Should this punishment fail to dissuade you from speaking of said event, all that will emerge from your lips will be pure gibberish. For your own safety, please be discreet about this event. Your cooperation is greatly appreciated,
Sincerely,
The Plot CommitteeAll at once, parchments around the Great Hall exploded, ashes curling up into nothing and all evidence of their secret meeting vanished. Lily looked up from her previously blazing letter, and smirked at Remus, shooting him a wink. He arched a brow in return before turning to his friends, who all looked bewildered, as well as many others in the Hall.
"What the bloody dickens was that about?" Remus demanded, trying to sound genuinely interested.
"Beats me," Peter replied.
"Me thinks a plot is afoot," Sirius announced, looking grave.
"Do you really?" James inquired.
"Yup."
"Well, that doesn't mean a thing because you always think that!" James finished, smirking. "I highly doubt that there's anything going down myself. It's just some club initiation or what not."
"Yes," Remus mused, amused, "a club initiation." In a sense.
"Ah, well this is probably nothing to worry about. We've got other things to lose sleep over," Sirius declared. "Like Potions," he added with a shudder as he stood, the other three rising as well. Nothing to worry about? Oh, how little you know, Remus thought.
Following his friends to his first class, Remus glanced around at the girls passing him in the hallway, wondering which ones would come to the meeting and which ones would try to blab about it. He was so lost in his thoughts on his way to Potions that he didn't notice when his friends abruptly stopped right in the middle of the hall. Slamming into them, he fell backward onto the dank dungeon floor, his head cracking loudly as it made contact with the heavy stones.
"Shit! Oh god Remus, are you okay?" Sirius rushed to his side, followed by Peter. James glanced down at him, concerned, before turning to glare at the two offenders blocking their path.
"Lily, what is the meaning of this?" the Head Boy demanded, incensed.
The redhead didn't hear him though. She was staring openly at Remus, a foreign emotion swirling in the pit of her stomach. The crimson wave of blood oozing from the werewolf's head jerked her back to the present, and she flipped her wand out, ignoring James as he yanked his own out in reply. "Accio gloves," she mumbled, sliding on the floating pair that appeared almost immediately. She stepped forwards only to be stopped by the blazing chocolate gaze.
"What are you doing?" the other hissed, fear swallowing his eyes up whole.
"I'm going to help him, Mr. Potter. That is, if you'll let me."
There was a long pause, filled by Sirius' yells for Remus to stay awake, and Remus' sweet melodious voice murmuring something back, something that sounded suspiciously like 'but I'm so sleepy.'
James finally stepped away, letting her pass. Her companion tried to follow, but James stood firm, his glare returning. "Sorry Snape, but there's no way in hell I'm letting you through." The black-eyed boy stepped back, merely shrugging, his look of indifference never wavering.
"Oh, Mr. Potter, now is not the time to bring up childish differences," Lily interrupted, looking up from her now bandaged patient. "Severus is bound to have some potion or another that will help alleviate Mr. Lupin's pain."
Growling, Sirius stood up, placing a gentle hand on his best friend's shoulder. "Come on, James, let him help. We may not like him, but if Lily believes he'll help, then he'll help."
James' eyes clouded over with hatred, but he backed away. "If anything happens to him," he hissed as the Slytherin swept past him, "I'll kill you."
Rolling his eyes, Snape stepped forward, wand at the ready. "What do you think he'll suffer from, Lily? Headaches, obviously, and probably some pain where he smashed his skull."
"Let's just go for a small pain killer," Lily decided, still inspecting Remus with pokes and prods.
Nodding, Snape reached into the folds of his robes and pulled out a small box, which he quickly enlarged to original size. Rummaging through the various containers, he pulled out two bottles containing a translucent potion each, both without labels. Biting his lip, he gazed from one to the other, a small bit of uncertainty hovering in his chest. Finally, the boy shoved both potions into Lily's hands, eyes filled with dark malice.
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INSERT EVIL LAUGHTER HERE…
This idea was popping around in my head right before I fell asleep and I just HAD to indulge it.
Feedback is an ideal concept.
-the author