An Unexpected Visitor

By Ellipsis Black
Rating: PG-13/R
Disclaimer: If these characters were mine, then this would be canon.
Pairing: Sirius/Lucius
Notes: My attempt at dialogue only. Great fun to write, I hope it's also great fun to read!
Concept was originally developed to answer the question born of OoTP: how did Lucius Malfoy recognize Sirius' Animagus form at Platform 9.75?
Summary: Lucius finds a very unexpected visitor running around in the Manor.

~~~~~~

"Why is there a huge black dog running loose in the hou—oh for the love of—Black?"

"Hello Malfoy."

"What the hell are you doing here?"

~

"Sirius?"

"Narcissa. A pleasure to see you again."

"Lucius, what's he doing here?"

"As if I'd know."

"Don't listen to him, cousin. He knows exactly why I'm here."

~

"Dinner?"

"I'd love some… it isn't poisoned, is it?"

"Of course not. How gauche."

"Trust you to be up-to-date on the most fashionable murder methods, Malfoy."

"Well, one must keep up appearances. Garroting is very popular in Paris this year."

"Is it now?"

~

"I'm going to bed. Good night."

"Good night, my dear."

"Good night, Narcissa"

~

"Are you expecting us to provide you with a bed tonight?"

"Oh, I don't know… you're not going to garrote me in my sleep, are you?"

"Hah."

~

"We're still enemies, Black."

"Oh course Malfo—oh fuck, right there—aaaahhh…"

~

"You want to do the honours, or shall I?"

"So civil, Malfoy. You can."

"All right, bend over then."

"What, doggie style?"

"Hah hah."

~

"I've been needing that for years."

"Really?"

"Well, I have been stuck in Godric's Hollow with the Potters and their heterosexual romance for company."

"That is a very good point."

"Thank you."

"So, did you think of me since we last met, Black?"

"Do you really want to know the answer to that question?"

~

"You know, Black, you could make a killing as a prostitute."
"Why, because I'm sexy and supremely talented in bed?"

"No, fool. And besides, that talent is all thanks to me. No, you'd be a good prostitute because you're an Animagus."

"Why, have you got a secret hankering for my hot doggieflesh? Ew. I can't believe I just said that."

"Everyone has their kink."

"And that's yours?"

"No."

"What is yours?"

~

 "Fuuuuuuuuuuuck."

~

"You know, my moralistic Gryffindor side should be rebelling against fucking my cousin's husband."

"Must be incredibly boring to be a moralistic Gryffindor."

"Oh, it is. Why do you think I came to visit you so often?"

"Well, I hardly think it was because of our state-of-the-art torture chamber."

"No, more like all those lovely labyrinthine passages to get lost in. Anyone who was anyone visited the Slytherin dungeons at least once."

"Whereas with you it was more like 'at least once a day'. "

"Well, I could hardly invite you to bunk with me, could I?"

"I shudder at the mere thought of entering the Gryffindor Common Room. How unsanitary."

"Hence my point."

"Point conceded."

~

"I've got to go. James is expecting me at nine."

"Huh. Nine. An uncivilised hour for an uncivilised man."

"Hey, James is a good man. Unlike you."

"Well, what am I, then?"

"You're fucking sexy that's what."

"Hmmm."

"James can wait."

"Lovely."

"Aaaaaaaaah…"

~

"We must do this again sometime, Malfoy."

"How about right now? Potter has waited an hour; another won't do him any harm…"

"No, I have to go. Really, truly."

"Ah, well."

"Oh, fuck it."

~

"Okay. I'm going this time. Don't you dare stop me again."

"You stopped yourself, Black."

"Fuck you, Malfoy."

"Fuck me, Black."

"Don't tempt me!"

~

"Goodbye, Black."

"Goodbye, Malfoy."