Title: My Personal Hell

Authors: Lucky Gun and SpenChester

Response to Xenascully's challenge: One day in Sam's hell.

CRACK!FIC

Sam slowly descended into the pit with Lucifer. Seeing the glowing orbs of amber and crimson elicited deep rooted memories of what Dean had only begun to tell him about hell.

Dean had mentioned light and heat and dark, referencing the Easy Bake Oven period of Sam's life that both brothers would just as soon deny ever happened. But still...those were damn good, if slightly whorish, blond brownies.

Sam landed with a painful thud onto the bare bottom of hell. Pausing a moment to gain his senses he realized he was surrounded by walls of cuddly plush animals.

Frowning at the Ty collector's items, Sam realized that half the animals were various sizes, types, and species, while the other half were giant moose-like creatures. And they were eating ice cream.

"So, Sam Winchester! Welcome to my den of iniquity!"

Startled by the voice behind him, Sam jumped to his feet in an attempt to ward off the voice from coming nearer.

Turning, he saw who he assumed was the top demon of the pit. Top demon or not, it still looked like that little cartoon kid from the old Looney Tunes shows, complete with a bib, diaper, cigar, and blue top hat.

"Crowley? Beanie babies? Wwhat the hell is this?" he demanded, staring the demon down. "And please enlighten me on your infatuation with moose."

The demon Crowley took a step closer to Sam. Picking up one of his treasured creatures off a shelf, he said, "Moose, Sam, are very...endowed creatures."

Freaking out immediately, going from zero to sixty in a heartbeat, Sam cried, "Oh please don't rape me incessantly for years upon years upon years!"

Rather annoyed, Crowley bitch slapped Sam and snapped, "That's disgusting!"

Sam responded by immediately bitch slapping Crowley back. "What the hell am I supposed to think? You have a room full of Sasquatch-sized moose and I'm not supposed to assume you want to make me your fun time friend?"

Rubbing the side of his face and whispering reassuring words to his beloved stuffed moose, Crowley complimented, "Nice alliteration there, Sam. Furthest Dean ever got was a hyperbole."

"Hyperbole? Dean shed blood here helping Lilith start the Apocalypse and now I'm stuck here with you in a menagerie of stuffed critters!" Pacing back and forth as Crowley watched on, amused, Sam continued, "This is ridiculous! I should be being tortured and prodded and strung from the rafters, not at tea time with hell's top demon!"

Shrugging, Crowley said, "Well, that can be arranged if you're so inclined. But you see, we like you; you're something of a celebrity around here. Hence the moose. Mooses. Meeses. ...Large deer-like creatures."

Slowing his pace and stopping himself a few feet from the demon, Sam scoffed again. "A celebrity? I'm a celebrity?" he asked in sheer disbelief. If you could make your own heaven then his personal hell could only be more complete with a clown.

As though he read his mind, Crowley turned around and revealed an instant makeover, but Sam didn't cringe away in fear as he'd expected. Instead, the hunter frowned and asked, "Why the hell are you painted up like a juggalo?"

"Why so serious, Sam? You're the famed one down here! We have awaited your arrival! Lighten up a bit!" Slapping a hand on Sam's shoulder he continued leading him around.

Puzzled, and adept at pushing his luck, Sam argued, "I thought that hell was where people were tortured, Satan included. Speaking of, where the hell is the bastard? He kinda vanished from inside me."

"Are you saying Lucy pulled a 'hit it and quit it' on you? Didn't know you were the kinky type. " Crowley laughed heartily as he lead Sam toward a large cage.

Eying the cage dubiously, Sam said, "Look, all I want is to be tortured for my crimes. That's the whole point of hell, right? I mean, that's what I've been psyching myself out for since Dean got sent here. Or was he just a special case?"

Noting Sam's disdain for his humor, Crowley sighed, "Torture is whatever you think it is. Dean was a special case because what he experienced here needed to happen. "

Skeptical, Sam waved a hand in the area behind him and asked, "So, Dean gets put up on meat hooks and skinned alive, while I get the grand tour hosted by a baby Juggalo and stuffed mooses? Meeses? Um...deer thingies?"

Casting an appreciative eye towards his collection, Crowley said, "Horny critters they are. And to answer your question with a question, why do you care?" Motioning toward the cage he continued,"So in we go then?"

Vehemently cursing the hell he was in (literal and figurative), Sam walked into the cage; what other choice did he have? Then, he froze, shocked by what he saw. Whirling, he angrily asked, "What the hell is this? Other than, I mean...hell. You know what I mean!"

"You act as though you've never been involved in a jello cage match, Sam Winchester. I arrange for dear Crowley to get you here and we go all out for you and you act so ungrateful." Sam just stared at the demon who was speaking with his mouth agape.

Sputtering his refusal, Sam watched as Lucifer sauntered around the cage, clad in some ridiculously tight bikini briefs that reminded Sam oh too much of some crazy wrestler he once saw on television. Shaking his head adamantly, Sam shouted, "I am NOT wrestling Lucifer in...LIME GREEN JELLO!"

Lucifer paused and crossed his arms, almost pouting. "I made sure to do lime flavor just for you! I even had Meg make you a pair of these underwear things to match! Don't ruin this whole experience Winchester!"

His mouth gaping like a dying fish, Sam stammered, "Ruin WHAT experience, exactly? This is some crazy homoerotic wrestling match in a vat of lime jello in the pit of hell after I died while possessed by Satan! This is screwed the hell up!"

Lucifer approached Sam and put his hands on his shoulders, squaring their stances before speaking again, "This is YOUR hell, Sam. We just play along and roll out the nines for our special guests."

Frowning, Sam said, "Wait...so this is my hell. You guys respond directly to what I least want to do, right?" Suddenly nervous, the two demons glanced at each other before nodding. Grinning widely, Sam flashed an evil smile and said, "Then let's get this hell shit started!"

Suddenly the lights dimmed save for one spotlight on the cage. Overhead a voice boomed from hidden speakers, "In this corner we have Lucifer and challenging him tonight Sam 'cries after sex' Winchester!"

Chuckling, Lucifer held up his hands in mock terror and asked, "Oh no! Are you going to get out your ruler, Sam? Or are you just going to throw your makeup kit at me?"

Sam didn't respond by words; instead he leveled himself with Lucifer and let out a yell. Running forward Sam lunged and tackled both Crowley and Lucifer knocking them into the jello pit

Abruptly, the entire area was lit up and there were demons jumping around the cage, cheering and jeering the fighters on. Sam froze for a second in his current pummeling of Lucy's face as he saw a ridiculously unattractive demon swig its hips and sashay around the edge of the cage, holding up a large #1 sign.

A little too caught up with watching the female demon, Sam's attention to the match came back by being met by a sharp right hook to his jaw. "You've got to pay more attention, Sam. What would your father think of you getting your ass kicked by me?" Lucifer asked, flipping Sam onto his back with renewed vigor.

Blinking up at the bright lights, Sam said, "Well, I'm wrestling Satan in a pit of lime green jello while a demon baby with a cigar and top hat takes bets. I think he'd be too busy hitting the crack pipe to say much of anything."

Lucifer stopped his fist inches from Sam's nose, pausing momentarily to respond to what Sam had said. "Sam, Crowley told you we've been waiting for this," Hitting Sam's nose again, Lucifer continued,, "You are the famed Sam Winchester. We love you here. I'm just a little heart sick you didn't want to be my meat suit. You fought it." He added another blow to the left side of Sam's off the pain from the injuries he was getting, Sam pushed Lucifer off of him, knocking the demon into one of the walls of the cage. Dusting himself off and getting up to the sound of the crowd both cheering and booing the fight equally, he approached Lucifer and pulled him up off of the floor of the cage and held him against the wall. "I don't get this..any of this insanity! How is this my hell? As much as I'm loving beating the piss out of you and the banter, what gives? What's the catch?" Exasperated he continued frustration and weariness weighing in his tone, "You're the prince of darkness. Why...this?" Waving his hand toward the crowd.

Shrugging a little, Lucifer wiped some green jello off his face and sighed, "Sam, think about it. I've been locked in hell for just short of ETERNITY. We get a little bored, a little punch drunk. And despite all the times we've sent out requisition forms to heaven, we've never gotten a karaoke machine. Or the fog machine." Jumping up from his semi-sweet chocolate dot encrusted throne to the side, Crowley shouted, "And the disco ball! They wouldn't even give us a damned disco ball!"

Shaking his head at what he just hear Sam continued questioning, "So this is all...You want a rave or something? That's why you wanted me to be your vessel? That's the role I'm supposed to play? You did everything possible to get me here...for a FOG MACHINE?""When you say it like that it's sounds kind of silly, but we really enjoy karaoke! We can't go up there on earth all the time to do it." Lucifer sighed, "You know I have a way of destroying meat suits. Can't do that but so often before it gets suspicious. Just play along and have some fun!" Dancing a bit underneath Sam's grasp he continued, "Party time!"

Groaning at the insane weirdness that enveloped him, Sam asked, "Please, just let me out of here! No freaking karaoke machine is worth this!" Considering this, Lucy and Crowley looked at each other, having an unspoken conversation. Finally, Lucy said, "Very well, Samuel Winchester. You may leave. On ONE condition!"

"One condition? Huh. Like that's totally unexpected." Releasing Lucifer from his grasp he turned from them running a hand through his hair and evaluating whatever could possibly go wrong. Slowly, he turned back toward both of the demons and stared them down. "What's the deal?"Crowley stood from his throne, plucking a chocolate chip off of the arm rest and eating it before responding. "We keep your soul. You get to go upstairs and reconnect with your male model brother and have wonderful homoerotic lives across the road together, but we get your soul."Sam's jaw gaped open before he snapped it shut, a slight pout forming on his face. Furrowing his brows he squared his glance with Lucifer. "Sam, I recognize your pain. This is a difficult choi-"Cutting him off mid sentence Sam answered, "I'll do it. You send me back, you keep my soul, and I swear to God if Dean gets hurt I will come back and kill you myself!"Lucifer smiled and wiped away a false tear from his cheek. Enveloping Sam into a hug he whispered in his ear, "You brave little soldier!" Releasing his grasp on Sam he shouted to the crowd, "We get to keep the soul! We get the karaoke machine! Finally that bastard God will answer one of our damned requests! Stupid requisition forms!"Suddenly everything went black and Sam felt a sharp blow to his head. Everything closed off around him. After what felt like a short eternity Sam woke to the sound of cars driving by and a single street light over his head. Holding his head as he got up slowly, he glanced toward a house ahead. Moving toward it slowly he looked inside the window and saw Dean sitting at a dinner table with a woman and a young boy. Apple pie life. He tried to remember anything from before he had fallen into the pit and his current state but memory evaded him. Retreating from his spot he steadied himself and walked down the road abandoning every lost memory.

While craving lime green jello.