"I can already fight, you know!"

Dwalin looked down at the little Hobbit who was gazing up, arms crossed, green eyes narrowed. He leaned on his axe and glared back. "Thorin insists."

"Well," said Bilbo. "Thorin also insists that he practise fighting even though a Warg chewed on him not a day before now!"

"Halfling, that is why he wishes you to learn. Should you ever try and kill yourself again-"

Bilbo spluttered. "Kill myself?!"

Dwalin ignored Bilbo's indignant outburst. "-then at least you will be prepared."

Bilbo uncrossed his arms, though his glare didn't so much as waver. "Look here, Master Dwalin, I have no need. Tell Thorin I don't need his concern and thank you very much."

"Well," Dwalin said, "I wouldn't like to be you when our king discovers his burglar has disobeyed his orders."

"Oh, for-"

"I remember," Dwalin went on, "when Fili and Kili decided to skip their weaponry lessons." He sighed and shook his head. "Poor lads..."

"For pity's sake," Bilbo sighed. "You are all the most ridiculous, shameless, most awful Dwarfs I have ever had the misfortune to meet."

"Yes, but you care for us and you know it."

"Curse you all."

"Come on, now. You're the one who feels it is better to be safe than sorry."

"Fine." Bilbo could see there would be no getting away from Dwalin's intention of turning him into a warrior-if he survived this 'lesson', that was.

"Spread your legs wide apart-"

"That's what Uncle would certainly like!" Kili hollered from where he watched them. Beside him, Fili doubled over laughing.

"And ignore those two."

"Gladly." Bilbo muttered. "Ori, do you have to draw this?"

"Yes!"

"Hold your sword up, a bit more to the left.." Dwalin continued.

"Hey, Bilbo, Uncle would like to stick his sword in you!"

"SHUT UP, FILI!" Dwalin roared. "Now, Bilbo, hold yourself a little straighter-"

"After a night with Uncle, he'd certainly be doing that!" Kili called out.

"WILL YOU TWO SHUT IT!" Dwalin bellowed again. "OK, now you show me how hard-"

"Uncle's hard for you, alright!"

"FILI!" Dwalin glared at the two and turned his attentions back to Bilbo. "Just swing your sword-"

"Right into Uncle's mouth." Kili muttered.

Dwalin growled. "Swing the sword," he said through gritted teeth, "as ferociously as you can."

Bilbo lifted the sword and wildly swung it, inadvertenently inviting more jeering and innuendo from the two trouble-makers. Apparently, he had good aim, so Dwalin simply taught him a few stances to adopt should he ever need to fight again and then produced a small branch.

"Sometimes you might lose your sword. A good replacement is a simple tree branch. You hold it the way you would a sword, but you've got to make sure it's sturdy and strong."

"Like Thorin's shield?"

"Aye. But you can clobber your enemy a nasty one on his head if you try hard enough." Dwalin unsheathed his sword. "Let's practise now."

Dwalin showed no mercy. He fought the way he did in the midst of a fight, but was careful not to cause any harm to the smaller being. Bilbo attempted to reach his branch to the tattooed scalp, but just kept missing.

"Go on, Mister Baggins!" Ori cheered.

"Get some head!" Fili cackled.

"Now, look here, you two!" Dwalin stopped fighting and turned to the heirs of his king. Bilbo didn't stop.

In his nearly two centuries of life, Thorin had seen plenty of interesting things. None compared to the sight of one of his more hardened warriors being helped in by his two nephews, an excited Ori and ashen-faced Bilbo following him.

"Bonk! Right on the head!" Ori said. "It was amazing."

"I'm so sorry." Bilbo kept saying. "Really, I am."

Gandalf took one look and bustled off outside, though they could all hear him wheezing with laughter.

"Oh dear ." Oin pulled Dwalin down to have a closer look. "Nasty bruise that. You should be alright, though."

"Knocked him right out." Kili chortled. "Ah, poor uncle. Dwalin got Bilbo's wood first."

"You two are awful!" Bilbo scolded. "If you hadn't distracted Dwalin, I never would have hurt him!"

"I am not badly hurt, lad." Dwalin said, patting Bilbo's shoulder.

"Well, you could have been." Bilbo snapped. "And I refuse to take another fighting lesson if things like this will happen." And with that, he padded off outside to join Gandalf.

There was silence, broken by Thorin saying, "Why did Dwalin get Bilbo's wood?"