DISCLAIMER: GA clearly isn't mine.
:)
Unmasked
It was too much.
And yet, she says "I'm fine."
I could never truly understand her but the moment she smiles I know all she needs was someone to listen.
And despite the label she'd established between us.
I could never be that someone.
I've watched her grow. I was there.
From that little town she truly loved, the only place that she thought existed, 'til she ventured and disappointed her own knowledge after knowing that such places like the academy also did exist.
I've seen her through everything; I never thought she could go this far even after what they put her through. Clearly, she was the optimist. Always smiling, always rainbows and butterflies, always fine. That's what they thought. That's what we see
-but I know better.
Mikan Sakura is long gone.
:::::::
It was classified they say.
The dirty jobs, illicit interrogations, under the table operations and clandestine missions, all those we're classified.
The moment you ask, they keep an eye on you. You persist, they forewarn you. But the moment you doubt, the moment you cross the line, they dismiss you.
It was ironic though, they claimed to be an academy who advocates peace and justice and an institution that upholds and protects all students' rights. It was damn ironic.
I remember my first day, the day when the higher-ups took their place on the stage. "This academy is your haven, it may seem like you're miles away from home but in the friends you'll find, in your teachers and in us… you'll find home and you'll never have to feel alone. This academy is your home and we are your family."
I remember those words like my ABCs, like my evening prayer, like the picture inside my locket. It got me through the early days. I put my trust in this place, I felt safe. But now, when I see her, when I see her eyes…. I remember those words… and then, my trust begins to waver.
:::::::
One time, she comes to me. Bouncing off her tracks and twirling her pigtails. She is ten. She is happy.
"Hotaru! I never ever thought I'd see you again!"
Her attempt to wrap those bony arms around me is futile because before she could take a step closer I send her flying across the room.
"Go away. Go home." I momentarily scan her gawky position. She is fine. I am certain about that. So I step out the room and walk through the hallways.
It was rude, I know that. It is her first day after all, after days of searching for me. I should cut her some slack. So I make my way to my locker, but before I could lift an arm, she had her body thrown on my back, sniffing and whining about my actions.
"You mean! I only wanted to hug my friend what's so bad about that!" She rubs her almost swollen eyes and sniffs. But she doesn't move away from me.
I push her, but she won't budge even a little so finally I face her and softly I say,
"Mikan. Nice to see you."
She smiles. I smile too. And together we walk the hallways.
That day I had my first best friend.
:::::::
The second time she comes to me, she is confused and dazed. I am not surprised by her condition though, given the fact that she is young, innocent and 14.
Involuntarily, her eyes blinks as her legs swings back and forth enjoying the leisure of sitting two feet above the ground.
She is here, inside my laboratory but her head was anywhere but in this room. I could certainly tell this: she clearly is dazing off.
I know why. I am quite sure.
I put on my welding mask. I had to put some pieces together, but the truth is, I am actually waiting for her to speak because anytime soon, I knew I had to tell her something about this concern of hers and I cringe at the idea of it.
She gasps. "Hotaru… can I ask you something?"
"No." I don't meet her eyes when she looks at me. I carry on with what I am doing because whether I say yes or no, she'd still ask me her damned question.
She bites her lip. I see it from the farthest corner of my eye. Again she draws in breath. "Do you…- erm… do you feel uneasy around Natsume?"
I shrug. "Everybody does."
"Right." She nods her head, I could tell she tries to convince herself. But then she creases her eyebrows and opens her mouth, yet no words come out. Once again she bites her lips and finally asks me.
"I mean Hotaru, uneasy like… you stutter or sometimes your heart beats fast… or like… you- you can't hold his stare when he looks at you… that was what I meant. Do you feel that?"
"Never." I take off my mask as I take hold of some screws.
"You don't feel any of that around him?"
"No."
"I mean… around, Natsume?"
"No."
"Never?"
"Never."
"Okay." She looks away quite dissatisfied at the same time perplexed by my answers.
Once again she asks me. "Are you sure?"
"Yes."
She again nods her head convincingly and stares at the distant skies. I tighten some loose screws and then I ask her.
"Do you?"
Immediately, her head bolts to my direction and if I am not mistaken, I see red shades creep up to her cheeks.
"Well…"
"Well?"
"Erm… I do occasionally but I don't think I do I mean, no, definitely not but yeah sometimes but only sometimes and It's not like I think of him all the time, I don't even think of him anytime. Not at all, Why would I right… and really I don't feel uneasy… I'm just… you know.. I'm just-
She closes her eyes between the rush of words in her mind and finally flutters them open then she breathes.
"I'm just-
so confused."
And for the first in my entire existence, I mentioned the word "love".
:::::::
To be continued.
:)