The Most Powerful Jutsu Ever!
Disclaimer: Naruto belongs to Masashi Kishimoto.
Iruka should have known it was going to be "one of those days" (being interesting yet full of anguish) when an excited Naruto came rushing into the Ninja Academy staff room with his loud boasts of defeating yet another opponent with his (in)famous oiroke no jutsu. Being the patient teacher that he was, he listened to Naruto's play-by-play retell of his heroic victory.
"He thought he had me cornered, and then... wham! That pervert didn't stand a chance! Oiroke no jutsu is the most powerful jutsu in the world!" Naruto finished with raucous laughter.
As a teacher, Iruka felt that it was his duty to avert Naruto's further delusions of invincibility. He placed a gentle hand on the jumping boy's shoulder, and said, "Naruto, oiroke no jutsu is not the most powerful jutsu in the world..."
"Wasn't old man Hokage the most powerful ninja in Konoha?" Naruto squinted at Iruka.
"Yes, he was..."
"And I defeated him with it! And I've defeated Ebisu! And that ninja today! And don't forget, I defeated you with this jutsu before I even graduated!"
Iruka pinched his nose, "you did not 'defeat me', I was simply surprised, and will not be caught off guard again. Now, to qualify as the 'Most Powerful Jutsu in the World', that jutsu must defeat every opponent on every occasion. Your jutsu would not work on everyone."
"I'll prove it!" Naruto screamed for the whole of Konoha to hear. Birds rose from their nests, disturbed by the noise.
Thus the beginning of another "one of those days".
oOo
NARUTO VS. SASUKE
The streets were quiet as Sasuke made his way to the training grounds for his afternoon exercises. Today, he felt, he could get that new jutsu down and start on some of the more powerful techniques in the Uchiha scrolls.
"You bastard! I challenge you to a fight!"
Trying not to betray his excitement at a challenge to test his new skills, he arranged his face into a look of boredom as he turned to face his team-mate.
"You think you can beat me, dobe?" Sasuke said, using a disinterested tone of voice he was sure would rile his opponent up.
"Yeah, and I'll do it in one move, right here, right now!" Naruto yelled.
Sasuke was a bit concerned at his team-mate's confidence, but held up his hands in a loose fighting stance. He smirked, "Bring it on!"
"Oiroke no jutsu!"
He had seen this move before, of course, during a class back in the academy days. It was ineffective back then, but now he was older, and the effect was obvious. Blood flowed freely from his nose as he fell on his back in a dead faint.
"Haha, take that!" Naruto said as he returned to himself with a pop.
Naruto 1 : Konoha ninja 0
oOo
NARUTO VS. SAKURA
"Sakura-chan! Fight me!"
Sakura, who had been walking down the street and minding her own business, was more than a little annoyed at the demand.
"Why would I want to do that?"
Naruto couldn't tell her that she was fodder in his quest to prove oiroke no jutsu was the most powerful jutsu ever, so he improvised, "if you can beat me, then Sasuke would be impressed."
So the two team-mates found themselves facing each other across the training ground. The breeze ruffled the leaves in the trees surrounding the grounds, providing the only sound as the two ninja remained still. Then a bird flew from the trees, and Naruto yelled,
"Oiroke no jutsu!"
Only to be hit over the head by an angry Sakura, popping back into his usual self, "did you think that perverted jutsu would work on me!" Sakura yelled, fist raised in anger.
Naruto frowned, wondering why the jutsu didn't effect her. He punched a fist in his palm as a lightbulb flashed above his head.
"Yeah? Well take this then... oiroke no jutsu- Sasuke version!"
And in Naruto's placed popped a very underdressed and very realistic Sasuke. Sakura didn't stand a chance.
Naruto 2 : Konoha ninja 0
oOo
NARUTO VS. KAKASHI
"Kakashi sensei! I challenge you to a fight!"
One eye looked up from the little orange book, and the genius ninja sighed. He had been reading next to the Hokage statues, knowing it was a place where he would not likely to be disturbed. It bothered him how Naruto had found him so easily, and he knew that there was no way he could get out of something once his stubborn student had made up his mind.
His one eye returned to the pages, and he stood up, "whenever you're ready."
Naruto knew this was a sure-win; his teacher was a pervert, after all.
"Oiroke no jutsu!"
Everyone in Konoha had heard of the jutsu, although this was the first time Kakashi had faced it. He looked up interestedly, and understood why ninja have fallen before the jutsu. Not him, though, he was better than that, and he said so.
"You'll have to do better than that if you want to beat me, Naruto," he said calmly.
Girl-Naruto's face flushed with embarrassment at not taking his teacher out in one go. He'll show him!
"You're a tough one, sensei. See if you can beat this... harem no jutsu!"
What looked like twenty girl-Narutos appeared, surrounding his sensei. Kakashi still had his book in one hand, but his eye was now roaming the girl-Naruto-filled area. His eye glinted as he looked at a girl-Naruto in the eye.
"Do you have any idea what a guy like me could do to so many girls like you?" Kakashi said, voice dangerously low.
All of the girl-Narutos took a step back as they started to sweat nervously.
"Umm, what?" Naruto asked with a nervous laugh.
Kakashi closed his book with a thump, rubbed his hands together, and began to descend on the closest girl-Naruto...
Naruto 2 : Konoha ninja 1
NOTE: Don't worry, Kakashi didn't do anything naughty, just scare tactics!
oOo
NARUTO VS. NEJI
The Hyuuga compound was huge, with not only living quarters but spacious training areas. These areas were off-limits to outsiders, so Neji was surprised that Naruto had wormed his way into the Hyuuga residence and into the training area where he was, well, training.
"Neji, I challenge you to a fight!"
With one look at Naruto, Neji turned to face him. His face stoic as usual, he said, "as you wish."
With no warning, Naruto yelled, "oiroke no jutsu!"
There was no reaction. Neji was still standing, face stoic, byakugan unactivated.
Naruto, still in girl form, was concerned by the lack of reaction, and walked up to Neji, "hey Neji, how's my jutsu? Neji?"
Naruto 3 : Konoha ninja 1
oOo
NARUTO VS. SHINO
"Shino, I challenge you to a fight!"
Shino silently studied Naruto, his sunglasses revealing nothing of his thoughts. Meanwhile Naruto, unnerved, began to rethink his challenge.
"I accept your challenge," Shino finally said after some time.
The moment Shino stood up and was ready, Naruto yelled, "orioke no jutsu!"
Whether or not Shino was effected by the jutsu remained unclear, as at the precise moment Naruto transformed, a swarm of bugs had already surrounded him, cutting him off from view. Terrified by the thought of burial by bugs, Naruto ceded.
Naruto 3 : Konoha ninja 2
oOo
NARUTO VS. INO
"Ino, I challenge you to a fight!"
There were times when Ino found shopkeeping boring, and that moment was one of those times. So without hesitation, Ino threw a 'back in 10' sign on the door, and followed Naruto to the training grounds.
"Bring it on, Naruto!"
Having defeated Sakura, Naruto knew exactly how to defeat Ino.
"Oiroke no jutsu- Sasuke version!"
Ino never stood a chance.
Naruto replaced the sign on the door with 'closed for the day'.
Naruto 4 : Konoha ninja 2
oOo
NARUTO VS. GAI
"Naruto-kun! I challenge you to a fight!"
Now that was something Naruto wanted to avoid, and quickly came up with an excuse.
"But I'm just a gennin, why would you want to fight me?" The overenthusiasm seen in the spandex-clad adult scared him.
In his usual bellowing voice, Gai explained, "I heard that you, in all your youthfulness, challenged Kakashi-san in order to prove that your oiroke no jutsu was the most powerful jutsu in the world. I would like to test my own youthfulness by seeing how I fare against such a youthful jutsu!"
Gai was known to be one of the fittest ninja in Konoha, and Naruto knew that it was impossible to outrun him.
"Okay, here goes..."
When both ninja were in a fighting stance, Naruto said unenthusiastically, "oiroke no jutsu!"
Naruto waited in anticipation for Gai's inevitable over-reaction, and he was not disappointed.
"That is so youthful! I can see why other men have fallen before your jutsu, but not me!" Naruto had no chance to scream in fear as a red faced, teary eyed Gai seemingly appeared before Naruto, promptly knocking him out.
Naruto 4 : Konoha ninja 3
oOo
NARUTO VS. ANKO
"Anko, I challenge you to a fight!"
Determined to defeat a jounin with his jutsu, Naruto challenged the first jounin to come across his path. He was perhaps too rash though, declaring his challenge before thinking about who his opponent was to be. However, he was going to be the Rokudaime, he couldn't be frightened by the jounin, even if the jounin wore weird netting, and looked at him as though she was going to eat him. The jounin finished off her last dango, and threw the skewer at his feet.
"I accept your challenge," Anko said with a toothy smile that unnerved him.
Without further ado, Naruto performed his signature technique, eager to finish this quickly.
"Oiroke no jutsu!"
And he became afraid when he saw the glint in Anko's eyes, reminiscent of Kakashi's glint. Anko smirked. In a rush, Naruto tried a different tack.
"Oiroke no jutsu- male version!"
Smirk still in place, Anko made her way towards her prey, licking her lips.
Naruto 4 : Konoha ninja 4
NOTE: again, just scare tactics!
oOo
NARUTO VS. TSUNADE
Since losing to the jounin, Naruto decided it was high time he beat some more powerful ninja.
"Old hag, I challenge you to a fight!"
His initial challenge delivered, Naruto flew through the skies of Konoha (courtesy of the Super-Powerful-Finger-Flick). After recovery, Naruto and Tsunade faced each other in the training grounds.
"I don't know what you're thinking brat, we've done this before and it didn't end well for you," Tsunade said, arms crossed and frowning.
"I have an ultimate-all-powerful jutsu that I will use to defeat you!" Naruto said, lowering himself into a fighting stance.
Tsunade yawned, "I'll make this quick, I have a lot of work to get back to."
"Since when do you care about work? It'll only take one move to take you down, Old Hag! Oiroke no jutsu!"
With a pop, a buxom blonde replaced Naruto.
"Was that supposed to impress me? It's nothing I've never seen before," said Tsunade, one eyebrow raised, unimpressed.
"Oh yeah! Well take this! Oiroke no jutsu- male version!" Naruto yelled. Before he transformed, however, the Hokage slammed a foot on the ground. A crack carved it's way towards Naruto, and the ground swallowed him up.
"That's two moves, brat," Tsunade turned with a swish of her pig tails, walking back to the Hokage tower.
Naruto 4 : Konoha ninja 5
oOo
NARUTO VS. OROCHIMARU
"Orochimaru, I challenge you to a fight!"
He had been confident in his ability to hide; his lair was underground, with multiple traps and jutsu protecting it from unwanted visitors. Therefore, it was a surprised Orochimaru who looked up at the orange eye-sore.
"Ku ku ku, Naruto-kun, I will have to interrogate you about how you found me. Now, though, are you sure that's a wise idea? You are now in my territory, and in the improbable event that you do defeat me, I will not let you escape so easily." He stood up from his sofa, and faced Naruto.
"Are you ready snake-face?" Naruto ignored the notion of his possible capture, "oiroke no jutsu!"
Orochimaru could only stare at the very-underdressed blonde girl standing before him, and then burst out laughing, "ku ku ku! You think to defeat me with such a useless jutsu?"
Breaking out in a nervous sweat, Naruto began to fear his imminent capture. Wracking his brain, the literal light bulb finally flashed above his head.
"Take this then... oiroke no jutsu- Sasuke version!"
Orochimaru fell in a river of blood.
Naruto 5 : Konoha ninja 5 : former Konoha ninja 0
oOo
BACK AT THE NINJA ACADEMY
"See Iruka sensei? I beat so many ninja with my jutsu, I'm so good!" Naruto said with no small amount of pride, obviously suffering from selective memory.
"But you also lost to as many ninja," Iruka felt he should point out.
Naruto screwed up his face in concentration, and then seemed to brighten, "that just means my jutsu isn't perverted enough! I need to come up with something even more perverted!"
Iruka's attempts to divert Naruto from his venture were useless. He had unknowingly unleashed Naruto and his jutsu on the Konoha ninja.
Outside the Academy Jiraiya, having stalked Naruto all day, just laughed.
The End