Santana and I weren't technically a couple, but I wasn't with Artie anymore, so I'm not sure on what my relationship status with Santana was. It confused me but I was just happy that I got to spend almost all of my free time with her. "I saw you signed up for the auditions." I say, looking at her. She is sitting on my bed, resting her back up against the headboard.
"Yeah, everyone knows I'm like the best singer in the group so I should have the solo for Nationals." She says slightly smug. I don't respond, thinking for a minute of what to say. She smiles and pats the bed, next to her with her hand.
I sit down next to her; resting my back against the headboard and she lays her head on my shoulder.
"Why didn't you sign up?" She asks after a couple seconds of silence. "You're probably second best at singing, and you are an amazing dancer."
I don't know how to respond, I want to shrug but I know that wouldn't work with her head on my shoulder. "I didn't really think about it." I say, which is true. It hadn't even crossed my mind the idea of trying out. Even though I knew I was better than most of the other kids in glee.
Santana lifts her head and looks at me. "I think you should sign up." I look over and see her facing me and I look into her eyes.
"But then I would be competing against you, and like you said, you're the best in the club." I pause. "I would rather support you singing than be your competition." She smiles and then kisses me. It was just a quick kiss, she knew my parents were only the floor below us and she didn't want to get caught doing something she might regret.
I sneak into the auditorium, and sit in a row where I knew I would not be seen by anyone, not that anyone would look hard into the empty rows of seats. She didn't know that I was here; I didn't want to tell her, I wasn't sure if I was even allowed to sit here during their auditions.
I saw her make her way onto the stage and introduce herself and what song she would be singing. I knew she would kill the song; she always did a great job at Amy Winehouse songs. As she is singing, I can see the passion in her eyes and I know she loves it. She may act as if she doesn't want to be in glee, like it's a club for losers, but I know deep inside she is having an amazing time on that stage. Her song is coming to an end and I refrain myself from standing and applauding; I know she would become somewhat embarrassed and I could get kicked out.
I had started to daydream a little when I heard her voice start to reach the tone that I knew meant she was pissed. While I knew it was just the passion from the song spilling into her defense, I could tell that if Mr. Schue hadn't have stopped her, she might have continued in her Lima Heights Adjacent ways.
Santana goes back angrily and I watch as Kurt comes out and he starts talking about the song he will be singing. He starts to sing some song, probably from a musical, most likely sung by a woman, typical Kurt. I love him, but he should try something new every now and then. I listen to him and he does a good job, but I know Santana did better. After he sings, I hear Jesse make his critical comment about him doing a female song. He stomps off and then I see Jesse stand up: I guess it is time for a quick break.
After the break, Mercedes comes onto the stage and begins to belt out her song. Even though Santana should be picked, Mercedes does a great job as well. She hits all of the notes almost perfectly and I start to get a little nervous for Santana. After the final note, Jesse and Mercedes get into an argument as he calls her lazy or something like that.
Rachel then comes out onto the stage after Mercedes leaves dragging the microphone behind her. Instantly words began to pour out of her mouth and I knew if Santana was here, she would be telling her to stop talking at once. She announces how she will be singing a Barbara Streisand song, what a shock. I suppose she does a good job with the song, but she always seems to sing the same sort of song. My eyes suddenly get distracted from the girl on the stage as I see three figures sitting down in the audience.
I continue to watch the figure that I know to be Santana until Rachel finishes and Kurt stands up applauding, only to be pulled back down by Santana. Jesse instantly congratulates Rachel on the amazing job she has just done. I want to stand up and tell him off but before I can, Santana goes off on how this is fixed. Mr. Schue cuts her off and I quickly sneak out, that way I can be at our lockers to meet Santana.
I wait until I see a figure sulking over from the other side of the hallway and I smile at her. I know she notices me because she instantly stops sulking. Her face seems pretty neutral but I know she is mad.
"Hey." She says to me, not angrily, however, I can't really find any emotion from that word.
"How was it?" I asked, I didn't want her to know yet that I had watched her perform.
"It was completely fixed." She says, still not angry but I know that if I was anyone else, she would be exploding with rage. I take her hand in mine and lace our fingers together. We walk towards the parking lot to go to her car.
We were silent for a little while. "If you want I can try and listen in on their judging." Santana didn't answer, she was concentrating on the road. "I am sure Jesse would love for someone to record their meeting."
"If you want, but I don't want you to get trouble for me though."
"Don't worry, I'll be fine."
I sat on my bed as Santana was pulling my hair up into a pony tail. "Why are you so quiet?" I asked her turning my head to face her.
She turned my head back facing the wall, so she could finish pulling my hair up. "I really don't want to do this." She says sighing.
"I know you and Coach have had problems-" I start.
"Britt, she tried to fire you out of a cannon." She cuts in, as she finishes my hair, then I turn to face her. "Besides I just hate funerals. Everyone is crying, and it's just uncomfortable for me." I bite my lower lip, trying to think of what to say to my best friend. "Look, I'm still going to go, it's just…" her voice trails off.
"What?" I ask confused.
"I sometimes wish I was ready," Santana said quietly. I continue with my look of confusion, hoping she would explain more. "To come out," she says so quietly that I can barely hear her.
"What does that have to do anything?"
"I just feel like it may be easier if I had you."
"You still have me." I say taking her hand in mine.
"It's not the same." She says looking away from me.
"We can still sit next to each other," I say. She looks into my eyes, and I stare into her dark browns.
She doesn't say anything for a minute. She only nods and then hugs me.
Tina begins with the introduction of the song and I look at Santana, I figured she wouldn't be crying, not yet at least. She is staring straight ahead and then looks over at me. Our eyes meet for a second and then she looks away, forcing away a smile that was beginning.
I look into the crowd and down at Coach as Finn begins to sing. I watch as Coach's eyes start to tear up again. I know I should be mad at her; she did try to shoot me out of a cannon, but I felt bad for her. Her sister was the only one she loved and who loved her back. Soon enough, we all started to sing the chorus.
Again I glance over at Santana, seeing her face. Only I knew that face, it meant she was about to cry. She quickly wipes her eyes and I look away, knowing she would look around to make sure that no one saw her crying. I want so badly to go over and hold her hand, to let her rest her head on my shoulder.
But I couldn't. Santana had convinced me not stand next to her while we sang. She had told me that she would be fine, but I knew she was lying. I knew that earlier today and she was proving my point right now.
We sat in Santana's car silently, for a minute; she was checking her make up in the mirror. "I can drive if you want," I suggest quietly, unsure of what her response will be.
"I'm fine." She says turning on the ignition. I look out of the window and see that the parking lot was emptying quickly. A truck was sitting still and it looked familiar. Looking closer I saw that Finn was sitting there by himself, probably waiting for Quinn.
Santana starts to pull out of the space and I can tell she glances over at me. "Look, I swear I am fine."
I look back away from the truck that Quinn has just gotten into. "You were crying."
"What?" She asked, glancing back at me.
"I saw you while we sang." I wasn't looking directly at her; I was looking forward as we left the parking lot.
"Look, like I said I just don't like funerals, there are just so many emotions there." She fell silent, for a moment. "Besides I am sure you were crying."
"Yeah, I was watching Coach the entire time. I know I should be mad at her. But I feel bad; she lost one of the few people in the world she really loved."
"You are one of the sweetest people I have ever met. A woman tries to fire you out of a cannon, and yet you still feel bad for her."
"Well, you can be mean to people but if something happened to me-"
She cuts me off before I can finish, "Don't say that." She takes her hand in mine and I interlock our fingers together. "Nothing is going to happen to you. Not for a long time."
I smile but I still continue. "But if something did, people would still feel bad for you."
"Can we please talk about something else?" She says. I take a deep breath and nod. She squeezes my hand and then pulls hers back and places both of her hands on the steering wheel.
"I love you San." I say after a pause.
"I love you too Britt." She says and I see her smile.
"What did they say?" Santana asks before I walk into her house, let alone say hi to her.
"Hi." I say after a pause, trying to comprehend what she just said.
"Hi." She says after taking a deep breath. I walk into her house and she gives me a hug. "So what did they say?" She asks me again.
"Can we go up to your room?" I asked looking around, trying to put off telling her what Jesse had said. Santana pauses and then makes her way up to her room and I follow her. I sit on her bed as she shuts the door.
Santana looks at me and I instantly look away, I hear her walk over and sit next to me on her bed. I still don't say anything and Santana know exactly why. "They are giving it to Yentl aren't they?" She asks slowly.
"Mr. Schue didn't say who was getting it for sure, but Jesse was only rooting for her."
"What exactly did they say?" I didn't say anything, but I looked at her and her dark brown eyes that were looking right at me. "It's okay; I want to know what they said." She says putting her arm around my shoulder.
"Mr. Schue didn't really say anything. He just thought it was wrong comparing you guys." Again my eyes fell back to my lap. "But Jesse said you were too mean."
I could tell that Santana's eyes moved away from me, and I looked over to see her head turned for a second before she brought it back, facing me. "So you think Rachel is going to get it?" She asks after a minute. I nod and she pulls her arm off of my shoulder.
Santana was trying to act like she wasn't upset. But I knew she was, I knew she secretly loved singing and dancing on that stage and that she really did want that solo. She was staring off into the distance and I sat behind her playing with her hair, when I said, "You should have gotten that solo. You were amazing, the best out of the four."
She turns to me and I stop playing with her hair. "How do you know that?" She asked me, a little confused.
"I watched all four auditions." I said and saw a smile start to form at her lips. "I snuck in and watched all of you." She hugged me and rests her chin on my shoulder.
"Why?" She asks quietly and then sits back upright.
"Because I love you, and I know that if I was auditioning, you would have done the same." Santana can't help but smile, causing a smile to form on my face as well.
"I love you too." Santana says, shaking her head a little. I hug her again; as we pull apart I see her wiping away a tear that must have began to fall down.
"Are you okay?" I asked a little unsure of what type of tear it was.
"Yeah." She says and then stands up and walks over to her desk where she opens a drawer.
"What are you doing?" I ask, curiously looking over at her.
"Just all this emotion, I need a smoke." She says I nod my acknowledgement as she pulls out a liter and a cigar. I watch her walk over to a window that she opens and then lights up the end of the cigar.
"Cigar?" I asked her a little curiously.
She turns around from the window, the cigar in her right hand and she exhales allowing the smoke into her room. "I don't know," she states, "They do something to my singing." She adds. I just shrugged, not really caring, as she turned back around. I had seen her smoke plenty of times, but it was usually just a cigarette, on the rare occasion she would have some weed that Puck had given her, but that was about it.
Mr. Schue dismissed us and I watched everyone stand up and start to walk out of the door. Santana stands up and then turns to me.
"What?" She asks when she sees that I haven't gotten ready to go yet.
"What you said to me before the funeral really had me thinking. I thought of this song and I wanted to sing it to you, so I got the band to stay for a little." I stand up and walk to her and hold her hands. "I know you are not ready, but I think that when you are, people will see how amazing and awesome you are, because you aren't hiding any of your awesomeness anymore." A smile starts to form at the corners of her mouth. I drop her hand and I make my way over to the piano and she sits down in one of the chairs in the front.
Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else
I walk away from the piano and into the center of the room
I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times
But somehow I want more
I don't mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile head, Santana looks down and shakes her when she looks up, there is a big smile on her face.
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore
It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along, yeah
My heart is full and my door's always open
You come anytime you want
I don't mind spending every day
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
I know where you hide alone in your car
I walk to Santana and kneel down in front of her and take her hands
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls, yeah
Tap on my window knock on my door I stand back up and walk towards the piano
I want to make you feel beautiful
I don't mind spending every day I turn and face Santana again, and I see a couple of tears beginning to run down her cheek.
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
And she will be loved
(Please don't try so hard to say goodbye)
And she will be loved
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
(I don't mind spending every day)
(Out on your corner in the pouring rain)
Please don't try so hard to say goodbye
I finish singing and see her wipe her eyes. She stands up and gives me a hug. "Thank you," she whispers into my ear. We pull apart.
"You should have sung that in front of everyone."
"But you're not ready," I say.
"Yeah. But maybe when I am you can sing that again, that time in front of everyone." She says, knitting her left fingers with my right ones. I nod and then we walk hand in hand out of the chorus room.