Hi guys! I felt like writing this for a while. It's based on the song Terrible Things by Mayday Parade. If you ever want a good cry, I suggest that song. Anyway, I apologize in advance for this, but I had to write this!
"Mom, you forgot the bread! For the ducks!" Emily is jerking at Beca's skinny jeans and pointing at the pond across the field.
"Em, easy, please." Beca wasn't the best in multitasking and with two dogs running around, getting their leashes caught like usual, and Emily nagging at her over ducks, she definitely needed to multitask. "How about this honey, we go back later today to feed the ducks, okay?"
"Okay, mom! Because the ducks need food. If they don't get food, they have to eat the fish and we don't want that." The six year old tells her mother while they approach the pond.
Beca giggles. "No, we don't want that, honey. But look, there's a little boy over there feeding the ducks right now. Why don't you go ask if you can help him?"
"Okay mom!" Emily yells while running towards the boy.
"Be careful, please, honey!" Beca yells back, knowing the girl wouldn't listen anyway. The little girl was so crazy over ducks, she'd occasionally hop into the water to try and pet them. It never worked though, and then Beca had to deal with a soaking wet girl with tears streaming down her face, because "the ducks didn't like her". Beca lets out a smile at the thought of that. She takes a seat at one of the park benches and fills a plastic cup with water for the dogs. She takes a zip out of the bottle herself. It was a warm day.
Beca follows her daughter's every movement and occasionally yells at her to get back a little. She relaxes when she sees her sitting down on the grass, together with the little boy, throwing pieces of bread in the water from a distance. Beca takes a moment to enjoy the view and instantly Chloe pops into her head. "It's beautiful today, Chlo. I wish you were here with me." Beca whispers to herself.
A few minutes later Beca sees her daughter and the boy running her way. "Hey mom!" Emily brings out gasping for air. "Can I share my candies with Benji?" The girl asks while already going through her mother's purse.
"Only if you share equally." Beca just smiles.
"Oh Benji, this is my mom." Emily points while still looking for her sweets.
"Hi Benji, nice to meet you, I'm Beca." She shakes the nice boy's hand and is returned with an awkward smile.
"And these are my dogs Billy and Bogus." Emily laughs while sharing the sweets with Benji. "I picked the name Bogus, right mom?"
"Well I sure didn't!" Beca pokes her daughter causing a high pitched scream.
"Here you have this one, mom. Then it's fair." Emily hands a lollipop over to her mother and Beca accepts with a smile. "We're gonna check to see if the ducks are full!" And with that the two kids run off again.
"No sweets for the ducks, okay Em?!" Beca yells in despair again. She watches her daughter trying to grab one of the ducks that was walking on the grass, but the little girl only chased the animal into the water. "She's just like you, Chlo." Beca whispered again with a smile on her face.
Another few minutes went by and then Beca witnessed a lady talking to Benji and Emily and eventually left with the little boy. She watches her little girl coming back to her with a sad face.
"Did Benji have to go home?" Beca asks when Emily sits down next to her.
"Yes. He didn't want to, but his mom made him." She replies sad.
"Why are you sad, baby?" Beca rest a hand on her daughter's shoulder.
"Because I like him, mom. But you wouldn't understand, because you've never liked anyone." Emily says cocky.
"Well, actually I did, once." Beca tells her daughter. "It was long before you were born that I met a girl."
"Was she a pretty girl, mom?" Emily asks excited.
"Yes, she was a very pretty girl." Beca smiles at the thought of Chloe.
"Well, tell me about her, mommy!"
"Okay, okay." Beca smiles. "Me and her met in college, which is a school for more grown up people." She explains to the little girl who is watching her with those big, blue eyes. "We liked each other very much, but mommy was with a boy back then."
"Oh no, not a boy!" Emily says dramatically while throwing her hands up.
"Yes, a boy." Beca laughs. "But mom would always look and stare at the girl, because secretly mom really wanted to be with the girl. So one day, the girl came up to me and told me that she noticed I was staring a lot at her." Beca paused to take in her daughter's shock face. "And she asked if I wanted her to be my girlfriend."
"Well mom, what did you say! Did the boy understand you liked the girl more?" Emily says impatience.
"Well, it was a little bit more complicated, but yes. Mom said yes and was then with the girl." Beca laughs.
"This is such a fun story, go on mom!" Emily was jumping up and down with excitement.
"Well honey, this is not really a fun story." Beca knows she has to tell Emily it won't be a happy ending, but she struggles finding the words. "I'm only telling you this so you'll know sometimes bad things happen in life. Terrible things." Beca says firm.
Emily nods a few times before speaking again. "I know mom, because she's not with you right now. So, something went wrong."
Beca feels a lump in her throat building and she quickly swallows. Her daughter was so smart. She just smiles at the little girl before she continues. "A few summers later, mom and the girl were still very happy. We had a small apartment and we even had little Billy here."
"Billy knew the girl?" Emily sounds both jealous and excited.
"Yes, Billy knew her. And one day we went to a park with Billy, it looked a little bit like this park actually. And I asked the girl if she would marry me and be happy forever together. But mommy didn't have a lot of money back then, so I didn't have a real ring, but it was made from paper." Beca laughed.
"Oh mom! No one says yes to a paper ring!" Emily shrieks.
"Actually, this girl did." Beca smiles proudly remembering the moment. "We married each other the following spring. Your pops was there, too, you know."
"Pops was there, too?! Well where was I?" Emily says with a pout.
"Hold on, honey, hold on." Beca smiles while bringing her girl closer to her. "So me and the girl were married for about two years. And mom was doing better at work, so she bought her a real ring and a big house. But, there was one thing the girl wanted that I couldn't buy her." Beca stops to see if Emily wants to guess, but she just stays looking up to her mom, waiting for her to continue. "She wanted a baby. And mom could never say no to the girl, so after a lot of visits to the hospital, the doctors told the girl and mom we were gonna have a baby. And mom and the girl were really happy about getting a baby. And, you know it takes nine months until you actually get the baby, right?"
"Yes, nine months." Emily didn't know, but she says it now so she'll remember.
"Nine months. But after six months the girl came to mommy. And she told mommy she was very sick." Beca feels her eyes water, but she pulls herself together.
"How sick, mom?"
"Very sick. She told me that she did not have a lot of time here left. And the angels in heaven were gonna come for her soon."
"What did you do then, mom?" Emily almost whispers.
"Well I was obviously very sad, because I didn't want the girl to be with the angels, but I wanted her to be with me. But she told me not to be sad, because I was the greatest thing that ever happened to her." Beca struggles to continue. It was so hard to tell this to her daughter. "And the girl spent all her days from then on with mom and the little baby that was in mom's belly. And she would sing songs to the baby. And when the girl would fall asleep late at night, mommy would ask the angels to pick someone else to come with them to heaven. But the angels always pick other angels, and the angels picked my angel a few weeks after." Beca has tears rolling down her face, but she needs to finish the story.
"Mommy?" Emily interrupts Beca who wanted to continue her story.
"Yes, honey?"
"Was I the baby in the belly?" Emily asks sad, looking down on her hands.
"Yes, honey. You were. You were born 18 days after your other mommy died. She tried so hard to hold on for you, to meet you." Beca's daughter collapses into her arms while she keeps talking. "Her name was Chloe and she loved you very much, Emily. You must always remember that. She loved you so much and she wanted nothing more than to hold you just one time. She was so strong, but she couldn't-" Beca's cries are now too much and she can't form words anymore. Her limbs feel heavy and her eyes feel weak.
It's been so long since she last told someone Chloe passed. When it just happened, she had to tell so many people. And every single person she called, she'd spent at least an hour with on the phone. Beca hated it. She didn't wanna talk to people, she just wanted Chloe back. She missed her the second she left Beca, and this world, behind in that hospital. Beca remembers screaming at the doctors to do something, but the sound of that flat line still plays in Beca's mind every day. Like a background noise to everything.
Beca never thought she had to plan her wife's funeral. And honestly, she couldn't. She tried to, but their college friends did most the work. Beca was broken. While the girls were setting up everything on the day itself, Beca was mostly crying every time she passed the big picture the girls had hung up of Chloe. It was one of the pictures Beca had secretly taken of her girl, a close up. Surrounding that big picture were smaller ones; college ones, wedding ones, pictures of their group of friends, pictures of her and Beca. A lot of pictures of her and Beca.
The first months after Chloe's passing were hard. Beca was angry. At the world, at God if there is one, and at herself. And she sure was angry at this baby, because she didn't want it. Chloe did and now she's gone and left Beca with a kid. A damn kid. Beca struggled to find love within herself to care for this little creature.
"Mommy, are you okay?" Emily releases herself out of Beca's grip. "Do you want my napkin?"
"No, honey, I'm fine." Beca smiles at her daughter. "I'm happy you now know you will always have two mommies."
"Two mommies!" Emily says excited. "My mommies are Beca and Chloe, right mom?"
Beca feels her eyes watering again, but she will not let herself cry again. "Yes, baby" is all Beca can bring out.
The two girls get up from the park bench and walk with the dogs back home. Somewhere along the road Emily asks if Beca will tell her more about her mom. Beca tells her she'll tell her one story each day.
Chloe bursts through the front door. "Honey! Where are you?"
"Very funny." A grumpy Beca replies from out the living room. "As if I'd be anywhere else than on this couch."
Chloe stops at the door entrance and just stares at her wife. "You look beautiful, babe."
"I look fat." Beca complains. "I know you really want one of those monsters, but couldn't we have just gotten one at like a shelter?"
"Stop it! It's not a dog, Becs." Chloe jumps onto the couch next to Beca and instinctively puts her hand on the brunette's belly. "Hey little baby, you're not a dog, are you? Are you?" Chloe giggles.
Beca tries to think of anything cuter than her wife talking in a cartoon voice to the creature inside her belly. She fails to.
"Seriously Becs, I know you wanted to adopt, but this little one is gonna be half me, half you. How amazing is that?!" Chloe excitingly places kisses all over her wife's face.
"Ugh get off of me." Beca tries to push the girl off of her, but gives up almost instantly. "Why can't babies be born in like, let's say five months. That would be great."
"Just four more months, babe. I'm so proud of you." Chloe quickly pecks Beca's lips. "Oh!" And with that she's off the couch. "Guess what I got you?"
"Chocolate chip ice cream?" Beca yells back. "Tell me it's chocolate chip!" Beca pushes herself off of the couch and goes after the giggles she hears coming from the kitchen.
"Come and get it." Chloe deviously smiles with the ice cream in her hand.